Did anyone else start realizing after starting this program and changing that your friends really aren't good for you? I had a really bad weekend with my best friends negative style. My husband has tried to tell me before that my friends use me. It seems like I'm changing and I'm trying to get the negative out, but now I realize I only have one true friend. I'm changing and their not. I'm thirty years old I don't want to go to bars,party and get trashed, but my friends still want me to. I can still be goofy and fun sober! I was really down today because I realize I'm losing my friends. Did anyone else go through this? I really love my friends I can't see not being around them.

Yes. I know where you are coming from. My old friends--all they did was party, but ive never really been into that. I lost their friendship because of it, they thought I was boring. But it doesnt matter, soon we will both meet people that are mature and can have fun without being drunk. I promise you that.

wow... its not funny that you are going through this but its funny that i have realized the very thing this weekend with my bestfriend. it was about partying and all that same stuff.... wow so yes i can definately say that i know what you are going through. hang in there and you will learn to meet new people who are better for your life.

Vivian, I can relate to what you said. I've had a couple of friends that I spent a lot of time with and now I can see just how very, very bad they are for me to be around. Not only are they negative themselves, but they are turning on me when I try to assert myself if they've done something to make me mad. It's a no-win situation. I guess part of making ourselves better includes breaking attachments that are hindering our success. Best of luck to you.

I have al-ways been there for my friends. Yes, the relationships are changing because I am turning their negative statements into positive statements. I can actually see humor in my quirks. One friend is e-mailing me funny attachments because I am now open to funny. Another was crying on the phone about finances and instead of giving her a loan I gave her some solutions and offered her a job. (Have not heard back from her). We can either better our relationships with the friends we have or attract new ones that are meaningful to our lives.

Hi there purrrfect,

You are very right in what you are saying about how you changed from being a negative person to a positive person. Your family and friends that knew you before the program will see a change of attitude in you. I know with myself I am not the same person as I was today I have a different attitude on things and sometimes my family and even my husband does not like the new me.

I am more outspoken and I stand up for myself more today than I did. Before I was a shy, not outspoken kind of person I would allow people to walk all over me, to use me and I would be afraid to tell people what I really think about a situation.

Because of the program I am a LEADER TODAY!!! My life has really changed for the better.

Dona Dry

Hi Vivian,

Anytime you change how you are in life, the dynamics of your relationships change. Sometimes they can change for the better, and sometimes you will find that things just aren't going to work between you anymore.

I can give you some examples of this that I have observed in my life: a very overweight woman loses her extra weight and gets into a healthy lifestyle and all of her fellow heavy friends get mad and jealous and think she's stuck up now because she doesn't behave the way she used to, which was to eat with them and dislike skinny people. A problem drinker goes to AA and gets clean and sober, all his drinking buddies think he's boring and a "square" now. A man stops his overspending, gets out of debt, starts his own business, and finds big success: people talk about him behind his back that he's gotten too big for his britches and thinks he's better than them, yet....they love it when he treats them to a fancy dinner or a weekend trip.

So what should these people have done? Stayed obese and unhealthy so that they could keep their friends? Stayed drunk? Stayed in debt and unhappy?

People want you to stay the same. Sometimes it's because they don't want to face their own shortcomings, and the shared behavior validates them, like the examples above. Or sometimes people just drift apart because one of them becomes different, like you're doing.

I remember packing for our move some months ago and came across my old yearbooks. I couldn't believe how many people wrote "Stay the Same!" in those pages. I just turned 45...imagine if I'd stayed the same person as I was at 17!!!

Those who like you for who you are might not include you in their partying all the time because they know you're not into that anymore, but you'll still be friends. The ones that can't handle you being different...well, those you might have to let go. You can't stay the way they want you to be for them, because that wouldn't be being true to yourself.

Maybe you'll inspire your best friend to see how negative she is and start changing herself into a happier and more positive person. Or maybe she'll be threatened by the positive changes in you and you'll want to let her go.

You will make new friends, really! One time I had to literally get rid of my so called best friend because the relationship had become so toxic. At first it was hard, because we were so much part of one anothers lives. But after awhile, I realized that it was the right thing to do for myself. Maybe for her, too, I don't know!

Keep going and make yourself happy

Jeri

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. It just seems like so much is changing and I'm scared! I'm kind of afraid to let my walls down and be happy. I was starting to think maybe I should stop the program to stop the changing. I'm so afraid of change. But I have to continue so I can be happy. Thank You!

About 4 years ago, WAY before this program, I noticed how negative the people around me were and I started cutting them out. I had one friend at another college that would always call me and tell me the latest story about one of her pets dying! I knew the second I hung up the phone I never wanted to hear that again! But that's the kind of person she was. She wasn't open to change, so I cut her out of my life.

Another friend was a drug addict and engaged in dangerous behavior on a daily basis. She got so bad all her other friends backed away and I was the only one left. She then started using me to come over and cheer her up. But simply being around her made me anxious and depressed. So I recently cut her out as well.

I also moved away from my family. My mother and sister are worse than I am with anxiety and depression and my Mom wants to dump it all on me. She'd call me to complain about her life and ask me why this stuff is hapening to her. I would cry after I talked to her almost every time. My finace finally said, "I don't know why you still talk to that woman."

I haven't cut my Mom out of my life, and I don't plan to, but I have severely limited my contact with her. I talk to her once every 2 weeks or so and I try to keep the conversation light. When it gets depressing, I say, "I'm sorry you're going through this." And I try to make suggestions as to how she could go about fixing some of the problems. When I get off the phone, I say to myself, "That is her life and her problems. Not mine." and I go about my day.

The point is, I'm left with 4 friends:
1. My fiance - my best friend who I can't wait to see every day!
2. A friend from college who is so laid back, she doesn't seem to have any problems! But she never calls me back.
3. A friend who lives in another city, so I barely get to see or talk to her.
4. Another friend who lives in another city.

I get depressed because I don't have friends, but I find comfort in the fact that I am no longer bogged down with their problems.

As I tell the kids - "I've been alive for 25 years and you know how many good friends I've been able to find? 1. And I'm going to marry him."

I just wanted to let you guys know that this thread and the great advice on it has really helped me.

I sometimes feel so guilty for "dumping" my friends, or feel bad bc ppl I was "friends" with won't have anything to do with me now...

And it IS lonely. But it won't be that way forever, and I'm not going to stay miserable bc some other person prefers it. I have to live with myself 24 hours a day-- they see me an hour a day or less. Who has proirity here?? (I try to remember that.)