Hi,

I'm still having occassional explosive anger over an affair my spouse had five years ago. If I get scared that it will happen again, I just verbally rip him apart. I want to keep the relationship because we have a small child...and because I love him anyway. Any ideas?

Carolineoregon,
I can relate to your post. Are you saying the anger surfaces during times of insecurity?

Thanks for responding cowgirl. YES, it happens when I feel insecure, which is a lot.

Carolineoregon,
Closure, forgiveness. That's what is required. How to obtain it. That is the question.
We went to counseling and she identified that I wasn't getting closure because he wouldn't admit or apologize for any wrong doing. His opinion and stance was it was all my fault that he did what he did. I pleaded, begged, threatened, ranted and raved for so long and finally gave up that his ego would not allow him to admit or be willing to discuss it. So, how do I forgive became my journey. He didn't 'do it to me', he was satisfying his own needs. He isn't a bad person. He's human. I can't change anything or anyone but myself. Codependeny is a term used when we rely on another for our security, happiness, etc. Once we recognize we're codependent it is common to become angry towards the other person, especially if they broke a trust, but I think we're most angry with ourselves for becoming dependent, if that makes any sense. Hopefully this program will give us the tools to overcome the anger and bitterness because that leads to a very hurtful, unhappy life. I watched it unfold in my parents' lives. The day (2 years ago today) my father put a gun to his head his parting words to my mom was it was all her fault because of the affair she'd had years ago. (Mind you, he was unfaithful thru the years as well). I don't say this to depress you but to illustrate time doesn't heal. We heal.
I wish you well and speedy resolution so you can be happy, joyful and trusting that you are on the right path towards living life to its fullest and letting go of resentment and anger. You mentioned a child. That child is learning from you. Become what you want to be to show that child what a nurturing, happy relationship is.
Alot of words, easy to say, harder to achieve but worth the effort and work.

hey there girls,cowgirl just said it. you must be independent. he loves you. he will not own it,he is afraid to own it.mine would never own it either. he was controlling and verbal abusive. 40 yrs ago. he will not own it. oh yea he has apoligized. but he is not really sorry. i stopped allowing him to control or abuse me.became very independent.whatever the anger is about when it happens it is hard to get rid of.this program did help me with it. i would right down something bad,then something good.there was more good. try it.love you more than you love him.it does work.
cowgirl,bless your heart.that was a bad thing,i'm so sorry that happened to your family. you are welcome to pm me any time.my uncle did that to my aunt.he was mad because she went to a yard sale. he controled her for 50yrs. before he did it. peace n love,anita

Thank you SO MUCH for your responses. You have already helped me with this incredibly painful issue. I appreciate the time you took to write to me. That means a lot as well. This is a lonely position to be in. Not many people understand what it's like. I have tried so hard to forgive him, but I think you hit it on the head...I felt that he did it to me, when it was just a lack of maturity on his part. He has apologized. In fact, he became suicidal because he had hurt me and our son. It IS time to forgive.

quote:

cowgirl,bless your heart.that was a bad thing,i'm so sorry that happened to your family. you are welcome to pm me any time.my uncle did that to my aunt.he was mad because she went to a yard sale. he controled her for 50yrs. before he did it. peace n love,anita

kp,
thank you woman! Alot of people don't like to acknowledge or discuss suicide. I felt so alone during a very tramatic time. The police actually investigated the incident as if it was homicide and suspected my mother! I was in such an adreneline (sp?) shock of it all I think it has taken me these 2 yrs to process it and try to find peace with it. It helps to know I am not the only one from such family dynamics! My father's grandfather also killed himself, his mother made several attempts and I didn't know that until walking thru 'history' with mom. Sometimes I think I'm destined to carry out the legacy but that's just the dark place talking. Appreciate your words of encouragement and offer to pm anytime and I'd like to extend that to you as well.