I know that EVERYONE gets angry sometimes, but I think my LEVEL of anger gets too high sometimes, and it brings on anxiety. My anger has '' themes '' too [ like the program mentions.]Sometimes I wish I could be like one of those people who are so laid back and peaceful about things who are unaffected by other people's actions. I just don't see how to NOT get angry at certain people over certain things. I think it has something to do with wanting to be in control. Any imput ?

quote:

Originally posted by becbeliever:
[qb]I know that EVERYONE gets angry sometimes, but I think my LEVEL of anger gets too high sometimes, and it brings on anxiety. My anger has '' themes '' too [ like the program mentions.]Sometimes I wish I could be like one of those people who are so laid back and peaceful about things who are unaffected by other people's actions. I just don't see how to NOT get angry at certain people over certain things. I think it has something to do with wanting to be in control. Any imput ?[/qb]

Anger comes from many different sources. It says in the workbook: Anger comes from fear. Deal with the fear. When I was getting excessively angry with other people's actions(like it was interfereing with my functioning at times) I could not see how to NOT get angry either. The thing that helped me was to see what anger was doing to me and that I was keeping the anger alive - which is not a compassionate act toward ones self. My fear was rejection and loneliness if I exposed my true feelings to certain people about certain things. I needed them to like me and accept me. The only way to have any control in the situation was to not make waves and just stuff my anger and anxiety.

Now I get more love and acceptance from myself. I'm not an island. I need others. But I can speak my mind to the person making me angry without too much fear or anxiety about losing the relationship.

You said: "Sometimes I wish I could be like one of those people who are so laid back and peaceful about things who are unaffected by other people's actions." Be careful what you wish for. There is self confidence and then there is denile. "Cool" might mean ignoring the situation and then going home and eating a whole chocolate cake. Not everyone who looks in control of their emotions is dealing with anger effectively - processing it, understanding it, and learning from it. It takes practice and very few folks are doing it in a healthy way. If you know someone you think is genuinely good at dealing with frustrating people and situations, ask them how they do it. I've learned a lot from people who are "cool" in hot situations. You might even find out that you deal with your anger better than others deal with theirs!

Stay cool!
Tammy

i am now on this lesson, and am having a difficult time. i am one of those 'laid back' people...things roll off of me, and RARELY, IF EVER do i get angry. therein lies the problem. it may take me several days to figure out why i'm mad, and even then it is extremely difficult to express it. i grew up in an environment where i never saw conflict, or arguments..i was always the sweet one. never wanted to make waves. just want everyone to get along. i'm now realizing that, although those are good virtues, it's not healthy to hold in my anger. kudos to you for being able to express your anger...all you need to learn is control. i how the other hand, need to learn how to let it out. it's all relative, and it's a continual learning process. through this program i hope to learn how to show and control my anger...among everything else!

im not writing to anyone specifically, i just wanted to get some things out and see if maybe other people are the same way. i think i have a lot of anger inside me and i dont know from what it originated. i havent been as bad as i used to be, after starting the program. i used to get overwhelmed by anger at just about anything. i used to look for things to be angry about then dwell onit even tho there was no solution. and i misplaced my anger, trying to put blame somewhere for why i was agoraphobic and depressed. that obviously didnt work. but with the program i started to step back and look at what was ans wasnt really affecting me and that other peoples problems werent mine and that its not worth it to get that angry. i still get mad or hurt by peoples actions but i try to realize that when they do things that hurt me, theyre lacking something and i have to accept them for how they are and what theyre capable of. im just starting lesson 6, ive only listened to the tape so far and during it i wished i could have been there at that meeting to talk about anger, so i guess thats why im writing this. but from the tape i realized that when i was hurt or angry i would purposefully find ways of hurting anyone else around me because if i hurt, i felt they should too. im glad i dont do that anymore. my anger has been in check except for one slip here or there but then it doesnt last long and im able to see what was really going on. and it used to be that when i was angry at someone i locked myself in my room and just stewed in anger and thought about hurting myself to relieve the anger, but the last time i blew up, i didnt do that instead i wasnt quiet, i went and told the people i was mad at what i was feeling and why, and it felt better than wht i used to do. lately though, i havent been doing my program stuff, i guess i got lazt when i got the flu, but i see that im having irrational anger. i get really mad if i hurt myself, like stubbing a toe, and i get mad when the pets are making a mess, even when its not in my room. i also get really irritated when my mom says something to me like did i change the channel on the tv. i know its false, but at that moment i feel like im being attacked and interrogated, like i did something wrong when i kno i didnt. hmm well i guess thats all, i kno this is alot to read and im not expecting anyone to want to read something so long winded, but i just had to get this all out so i can examine some things. if anyone did read this, thanks and i'll check in again to see if theres a reply.

This is not for anybody in general but just personal experience which i hope could help someone

when i was younger i was an agressive person and then later that agressiveness got my into alot of physical fights which i lost and then i became passive so i know both sides. I figure what most people want deep down is closure. The aggressive ones think that the only way to get closure is by over powering the other person but if your getting yelled at chances are your either looking for a defence or your worrying if its going to become pysical. On the other hand i think Passive people are afraid of going for that closure so they try justifying it in a way that it puts the blame on themselves and if they were to deal with it they would feel that they were too harsh or they were wrong or they'd feel bad for the other person. Its hard to figure out what assertive means. To me it means saying what you mean without trying to guilt the other person or accuse them of anything. It means to lay down the facts and to ask questions instead of assuming and finding out ways to correct the error if need be with the other person or people involved. What it comes down to is the fact that you don't need full control but you do need some and always tell yourself you cannot control what others say or do but you can control how you react to it.

Mike

quote:

Originally posted by hoping to be better:
[qb]i am now on this lesson, and am having a difficult time. i am one of those 'laid back' people...things roll off of me, and RARELY, IF EVER do i get angry. therein lies the problem. it may take me several days to figure out why i'm mad, and even then it is extremely difficult to express it. i grew up in an environment where i never saw conflict, or arguments..i was always the sweet one. never wanted to make waves. just want everyone to get along. i'm now realizing that, although those are good virtues, it's not healthy to hold in my anger. kudos to you for being able to express your anger...all you need to learn is control. i how the other hand, need to learn how to let it out. it's all relative, and it's a continual learning process. through this program i hope to learn how to show and control my anger...among everything else![/qb]

I can totally relate to you!! I am the exact same way.....always the easy going one....ppl often rely on me to be that nice...easy going girl, letting everything roll off your back and I sometimes think ppl can take advantage of this too! Lately I have been getting very irritated with every little thing or with ppl I am around on a daily basis. I know that they are sensing something wrong with me and that gets me even more upset. I am trying my best to acknowledge my behaviour and trying to relax...this is definitely weird for me cuz normally I am the one trying to avoid confrontation andor making waves but I feel like I am beginning to make them. I think what is more frustrating is the fact I am normally not an angry person and I am seeing something in me that normally doesn't exist!!

cdngurl, it is nice to know i'm not the only one! i am still doing this. i hold in my anger. yesterday, my mother did something to make me angry. in my head, i kept thinking, "choose your battles...it's not worth it to bring it up. but after thinking about it, i'm going to call her on it. it's still not 'at the moment', but i think i will feel better if i say something. i listen to these tapes, and think, 'that's me!' i stay on some lessons longer than others, so these ideas will stick in my head. some places i feel so confident, assertive; however, put me back with relatives or the people where i may not feel sure of myself, and i cower away like i've always been. i too, find myself getting angry at some of the smallest things...although, i think after holding it in for so long, i'm almost like a volcano ready to erupt!! i'm learning to have boundaries to do what i want, and what is best for me. now if i can learn to deal with my family, then i can do anything!! thanks for the response...

quote:

I can totally relate to you!! I am the exact same way.....always the easy going one....ppl often rely on me to be that nice...easy going , letting everything roll off your back and I sometimes think ppl can take advantage of this too! Lately I have been getting very irritated with every little thing or with ppl I am around on a daily basis. I know that they are sensing something wrong with me and that gets me even more upset. I am trying my best to acknowledge my behaviour and trying to relax...this is definitely weird for me cuz normally I am the one trying to avoid confrontation andor making waves but I feel like I am beginning to make them. I think what is more frustrating is the fact I am normally not an angry person and I am seeing something in me that normally doesn't exist!!

You say your an easy going laid back person. Yes people can take advantage of that but you can still be laid back while dealing with the issue. Be calm about dealing with it. Let yourself feel good for simply trying even if you don't get the outcome you were expecting and simply let those feelings of before you delt with the problem roll off your back. Also those waves you speak of. They're always going to be there, when people take advantage of you that creates a wave right. It is you that decides if you want to continue that wave by not dealing with the problem. When you do deal with it everything can go back to its same calmness again.

I used to be a very angry person. Do you have the program? If you do you will gradually learn to control your anger. I did. Honestly, I think I am a little too passive now. There is such a fine line. I am stil trying to find the balance. Remember this is very important. When you get angry forgive yourself and tell yourself you will do better next time. You will fall back a lot, but it will get better. It takes time.

i agree jen. I think the key thing is to allow yourself some time to cool down instead of reacting quickly