I have a sister who I have had a bad relationship with all my life. I am a nice person who respects each and everybody I meet like I want to be respected. But as long as I remeber she has had a terrible temper and now she has a litreally won my parents over. Sometimes I might have a conversation w/ her out of nowhere she has this attitude or gets angry. It absolutely kills me inside and frustrates me b/c I don't deserve to be respected like that. Also when she uses that attitude it makes me feel so stupid and more depressed. I mentioned earlier she has a temper problem and maybe I thought that's what causes this...like a little conversation that is not intended to make her angry, in her mind she blows out of proportion. Or it might be like an advantage for her, I mean imagine going around talking to someone however u want all the time. I ask her why she does that and to stop but won't and this causes more issues. I mean I'm sure everybody has run into people like this before-a teacher, a coach, boss but you don't have to live with these people.

I over analyze this situation a lot through out the day and it really bothers me b/c I don't deserve it and I have to deal w/ it everyday. What do u think and what would you do.

Hi Mike...
I have two siblings and I have had times where I did not speak to my sister for a year and 6 months. For the first time in ten years I am building a great relationship with my sister and she actually called me yesterday and asked me.."her younger sister for advice".
My first peice of advice would be stop focusing on your sister. start focusing on yourself. your mental health and happiness. regardless how your sister is..that is her personality. Its not your problem, and you need to become stronger at not letting people affect you. Yeah thats easy to say but you are a speacial person and yes you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Focus on that and when she acts up ..DO NOT RESPOND. DO not feed into it. Get your power back! Focus on sourrounding yourself with positvity. Things have a way of coming together when your foundation (your soul) is together. good luck
Juls

Hi Mike,

Maybe you could approach her in a different way. Let her know how you feel, but don't put all the blame on her. If you do that she is going to react negatively. She doesn't want to hear "you do this or you do that". Maybe if you try saying this is how "I" feel when such-n-such happens.

Good luck with her.

Mike,
Your sister knows you so well she knows what buttons to push to make you react. When you let her upset you you are giving your power away to her. I say you need to start being more loving to yourself and remember who is driving your bus. You sound like a great person and I can tell that what your sister thinks of you is important to you. Seems that she cant feel good about herself until she makes someone else unhappy. You have to stop letting her trap you. Break free.

It sounds like she knows what she can get away with you. Next time she blows her top, if you are in the same room, then leave. If you are on the phone, then hang up. Don't take it personally, it's *her* not you.

When she's ready to treat you with respect she will come back. Once you stop allowing her to treat you that way she will change the way she responds to you. I have had this issue with people, I let them walk all over me, or say something that I'll take very personally, and I'll feel glued to my seat and just allow the person to continue, and feel my face flush.

It really says something when you can walk away or show the person that you will not be treated that way. There may be other responses, and not everyone should be dealt with this way, but it sounds like something needs to be done since she is so comfortable blowing her top with you.

Hi mike2388,
Everyone gave you good advice. I have a question: when your sister is angry do you get angry and yell back at her? All of the suggestions about walking away and not responding are the best advice, especially if she makes you angry in the process. You are learning to control your anger, so try and avoid your sister's temper until you are strong enough to be assertive without being angry. Remember you are not alone in this.

I agree with Chella 100% but we all know the saying "It's easier said than done" all too well. It will take time for you to filter out some or most of what your sister says, but by putting yourself first and realizing that your feelings, emotions and mental health MUST come first, you will succeed with this difficult issue.

I have been my sister's personal punching bag for about 20 years. She is 4 years older then me and although she is bipolar, all of her negativity, name calling, screaming episodes, etc is taken out or piled onto me. For years I lived with this miserable person but I eventually had to just remove myself from the situation by getting out of the house more, avoiding her as best I could, and doing my best not to fight or yell back.

She has received help within the past year and by refusing to submit myself to her behavior, things have been tough but better.

I hope things get better for you and that you can do your best to filter out half of what she says. You are the most important person in your life. Even though she is family, you need to put yourself first and please remember this: You are NOT being selfish.

Goober

Mike,
I have a sister who doesn't want to even deal with the fact that I have an illness. This may not be directly related to what your saying about yours, but that is where the respect issue may come into play. She expects that I should be in the "Norm" whatever that is. It hurts because everyday is a fight and she is my sister.

I have a big poster of this "PEACE is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to handle it effectively, efficiently and respectfully." Knowing when to just walk away before the bad reaction is part of the process. I am working on getting to the point where I know what to say and or to just say nothing as the appropriate response.

I stay away from people who treat me that way. That helps me a lot. I have worked to develop other supportive relationships so that I can avoid people who are rude to me. That helps a lot. It sounds like she bullies you. A lot of families have bullies. I refuse to be around family members who bully me.

Hey Mike
I had to deal with a stepfather who was a pain in the rearend after I got into 12-step
programs & being the family member of an alcoholic doesn't help. Ive been in 2 different 12-step programs over 10 years apiece & it has made a big difference in my life . Is there a problem with alcoholism or drugs in the house ?
I realize this is something I know that's none of my buisness but it might be a contributing factor to why she's being difficult because she may need AA & you at least EA & or Al-Anon which will help both of you as she'll need EA possibly if alcohol isnt involved. My suggestion to you 2 is to see if there's an EA
meeting in your local area that 1 of you can attend as you need to get away from her as much as you can as I want to be there for you but know that emotionsanonymous.com will really help you more than I can as I've been in the program almost 12 years. Hope this is useful to you & I wish you the best of luck.

anyone out there have to deal with a family member who has BPD (borderline personality disorder)???

Hi Mike. I can relate to your story. My father was the one who was always angry and controlling. He would control me through his anger, and I would resent it and be angry--but, of course, I couldn't properly express this anger back because of a fear of the repercussions and also a fear of losing his love. Do you feel like you cannot stand up to your sister because you are afraid of the consequences? You have to say, screw that. You deserve to be treated with respect. What is the worst that could happen? She will no longer talk to you? That might be a good thing. She will make things harder on you at home? Ignore her and eventually, her tactics will no longer work.
With someone like that, you cannot start yelling back--that just continues the cycle of that person pushing your buttons. Like Lucinda says in the CDs, when they are angry at you, be calm, non-responsive, and assertive. That person wont know what to do with you!