Hi everybody! I haven't posted anything new since early August...the one about my 'possible' trip to Montreal, which never did happen. Oh, that's not exactly true...there is the post on Quitting Smoking which has turned into SUCH a lengthy thread!! I'm now finishing up on my Day 10 without a cigarette! YEAH ME!!!There is enough said about THAT topic on the other thread. Right now, and throughout much of yesterday and today, i am feeling RESTLESS, IRRITABLE AND DISCONTENT. This particular description is one that is used in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the reason i'm familiar with it, is because i was involved in another program (based on the A.A.program) for many years. These 3 words so aptly describe how i have felt, throughout my entire life, on and off...now and then. When i have felt this way, i USED TO turn to food, or hours of T.V. or smoke more cigarettes...or,taking it a bit further, get myself involved in a relationship which wasn't 'right for me', but which would successfully camoflague what i REALLY needed to pay attention to. These are 'old behaviours'. The eating disorder has been really fine, for a long time now. I got rid of cable T.V. 4 years ago. I stopped smoking 10 days ago. Without getting into any detail, i haven't yet done what's absolutely best for me in the 'relationship department'. (not comfortable talking about that via the computer - No, i'm not afflicted with paranoia!) Well, this topic seems to be completely 'unfocused'! Sorry about that. I know how to 'control' the irritation (most of the time) although very often the lesson on 'how to deal with anger,etc.' simply isn't enough! I know too well that whatever is bothering me will only come back, as long as i'm not dealing with it. The thing is, i really do KNOW what i must do in order to feel happier, calmer,etc.. Yet, in this one area which i must change, my resistance is SO HUGE. Does anyone relate to this...is there any area in your life where you KNOW intuitively what it is you have to do, and yet the fear of moving in that direction is still too great? I am having an enormous struggle with this right now. I KNOW i have to take a leap of faith, trust that all will be well, stop going over this thing in my mind, stop struggling with it.....JUST DO IT! As long as i remain on the fence, the frustration, irritation, and discontent keeps surfacing. Please forgive me for the most 'scattered' topic i have EVER posted on this Forum!! (it's very possible that the absence of cigarettes is still causing me to feel pretty 'spacey'. I smoked for 37 years!) Okay, enough said for now, hugs to all, Lindi

I know what your talking about Lindi, it's all part of the growing process. And I think I understand your fear also, I have these thoughts too and they're discouraging, but the more I realize that I'm moving in the right direction, foward not backward, the less I'm concerned about it naturally because I know that even if I do have a setback it doesn't mean that I'm going to be crippled for life. I think its good to keep in mind that when you find yourself in a situation where you need to grow or stand up for yourself, to do it, but also realize that you don't have to overreact, and even an attempt to do what you really wanted to do is OK. And if you do or say something that people don't like, you talking about it, I found it very useful to keep on yappin, because then you have a chance to explain yourself or hear your thoughts out loud. Silence can be deadly! So just when you say something to someone that bothers you, say exactly what you want and keep working the situation until your satisfied with it, and if you walk away a little unsatisfied which you probly will most the time I think you need to understand that you had a lot of courage to stand up for yourself in the first place, but that by doing it your allowing yourself to realize that you can do it and get through it. I hope I've helped some, sorry if I wrote too much. It may not be short and sweet but I think the concepts for positive self dialogue is what this program's all about and there's plenty of them out there, the more you read and listen to them the better you'll get. Oh ya, and one more thing, about being afraid to take a chance or just do it, part of my secret arsenal is preparing myself before hand by continually learning what the tapes are trying to teach me and trying to work out thoughts in my head so they're positive, its almost like you can deal with the problem in your head even though your not there, but of course its better if your there in the situation because you can hear, feel, taste, whatever the situation, not just in your head, but still anways. OK, enough for now, well, I just wrote a bunch more after I apologized for writing so much, oh well, you'll live, have fun, bye.

-Michael

Hi Michael, you're adorable....you don't have to apologize for writing too much...EVER!!! I appreciated everything you wrote. In truth, it doesn't really apply to the situation i was thinking about (i was very,very vague about what that is, so not your fault!). However, it DOES APPLY to another situation which will soon be coming up for me, so THANK'S!! I so much appreciate you're taking the time to offer your support, and i agree...that using the tools of this program help enormously! Thank's again, Lindi

Okay, Lindi, I am going to try and give this a shot, too. If I am misunderstanding, then maybe this will help someone else. Anyway, here goes... I have had anxiety for about 5 years, but it has been really severe for only the last few months. Prior to being housebound from having debilitating panic attacks, I was involved in a relationship, not abusive in anyway, but it wasn't good for me. Three weeks or so into my horrible, panicky state I broke up with him...I didn't want to, because I am in love with him and he was my "safe person" but I knew that I had to do it. Our relationship caused me too much guilt and worry, nevermind the fact that it allowed me no time at all to try and understand the things that my body was telling me. Anyway, to make it quick. I miss him a lot, don't get me wrong, he's still in my life, but now it's different...there's no pressure or stress. In fact, sad as it may be, he's the only friend who has really stuck by me during all of this junk. My point? I don't know . But I think it's that, sometimes we just HAVE to do what we have to do in order to make it to the next step of recovery. There are enough things in this world for us to worry about that we can't change without adding the extra stress of what we can change.
Anyway, I hope that helps. Like I said, I am not sure if this is what you needed, but even if it's not hopefully somebody needed it! (Maybe even if it was just me that needed the reminder! ) Well, I wish you great successes. Ariana

Dear Ariana, (what a beautiful name!) You were not off-topic at all! What you described about the relationship you felt you HAD to leave (and did) is so similar to what i went through about four years ago. I had lived with this man for 13 years, knew i HAD to leave in order to 'be true to myself' and i loved him (still do, but in a different way now) SO, SO MUCH. It was such an unbelievably painful thing to do...to leave. And i finally did, after being so sick over it for too long. We have remained such close friends, he calls us soul-mates, we just couldn't be together in that way anymore. The relationship i was SO VAGUELY referring to...is another one! But Ariana, you are right 'on track' with my present struggle, and you are right ~ there is so much in this world we cannot change, and i need to muster the courage to change what i really CAN, so as to drop unnecessary stress from my life. **You have my sincere empathy regarding those debilitating panic attacks. Are you housebound now? I discovered (through many,many years of learning, some therapy, dreams, meditation,etc..) that at the very core of my fear (panic) is this feeling of being absolutely STUCK. I wondered if that was what you felt when your panic first began, as you were still with your boyfriend at the time. (it just hit me that way, as i was reading what you wrote) Yes, we "have to do what we have to do" in order to take the next step to recovery. How i know this!! And yet....my wisdom is sometimes quite a distance from how i am living. As long as i stay "on track", on the road of recovery, i'm sure to take the step i have been putting off for a long time. Ariana, thank you so much for your reply. I hope this program is helping you. God bless.....Lindi

Hi Lindi,

I will share something of myself you may have a sense is key. I�ve found the more I let my own unconditional compassion, love and acceptance in for my self, the less restless, irritable and discontent on the journey. I may or may not choose to change somewhat, but that does not mean I am not divine just the way I am.

As always, let your own unconditional compassion, love and acceptance for your self in on the journey.

Dear Dolphin, I have to tell you ~ that your message of the 'wisdom of compassion' (no matter WHERE i find myself) has embedded itself into my every-day consciousness. Of course, i falter sometimes, and bump into my lifetime habits, and then i have to remind myself....about compassion, love, patience. I share this with others who are struggling through different things, and i always recall that this sentence comes from you. I mean, the WAY that particular sentence was formed....made a lasting impression on me. (bringing the wisdom of compassion into yourself, no matter where you may find yourself....to paraphrase!) And Dolphin, thank you for reminding me...again! God bless, Lindi

Aloha Lindi,

Got something to share with you. This was given to me by a fried when I was really at my worst, (you could say)

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It was cool talking with you I really enjoyed the things we shared over the phone. I will call you again soon.
Hang in there, Take care and be well for you!
Hui Hou,
Aloha Girl