An issue that gives me a lot of boiling resentment and frustration is that I have to cook for my mother-in-law every week, and twice every other week. Oh, and she eats lunch here once a week too. She moved just down the road 3 years ago to be close to her grandkids (my kids are 3 and 7), and since I work part-time during the week, she has worked "play time" with my kids at our house into her schedule one day a week, and she stays thru dinner and reads them stories. My oldest gets off the bus at 4:15 so I don't think it's fair to him to send her home 1 hour later. She spends her weekends doing her personal things, so she doesn't see the kids on the weekend when it would be easier to have her over without feeding her, or have them to her house which almost never happens. Let me start by saying how grateful I am that their grandmother is involved and close by. BUT why do I have to feed her all the time? She eats a lot , too. She rarely babysits for us (like 4 times a year) and has us over to her house for dinner maybe 3-4 times a year including Christmas, and feeds us frozen lasagne or orders pizza. She owns her own cleaning business and every other week she cleans for us one day (we pay her) but she gets her day started so late, that I work late to stay out of her way, and to keep the kids out of her hair, and then I have to pick up takeout on my way home from work and she never chips in $$. Tonight I spent a frantic hour making a fantastic pesto linguine with fresh broccoli, sundried tomatoes, pine nuts, red pepper, and artichoke hearts, and she finishes cleaning, and my husband walks in the door and they sit down and start eating. I am not crazy about cooking. It was 10 minutes before either of them even said it was good, and she rarely says thank you. I felt like I had to cook tonight, because I already bought her dinner on Monday and didn't want to spend the $$ twice in one week. I realize I have a lot of anger, and next week I want to plop down a loaf of bread and peanut butter and say enjoy! Her other playtime with my younger son starts at 11 am one day a week, and of course, overlaps with lunch. I feel that I am being taken advantage of, and this has been going on for three years. Please offer suggestions. I try telling myself "In the scheme of things, It's no big deal", and focus on how much worse it would be if she didn't live here, but I feel that I am taken advantage of.

quote:

sleeplessMom

sleeplessMom.
Hello.
I was wondering, Who's should is this any way.
Someone isn't shoulding on you are they?
How about sending your kids to her house for them to visit her. Why that would kill two birds with one stone. Get her not shoulding on you and geting some time to yourself to should with. Should on her. It's her turn for a while.
Penut butter sounds good.
Glen

Sleeplessmom,

Repeat after me...Less affected, More effective. Again, and louder this time!!! Less affected, More effective. I understand the need to vent out our frustration from time to time. But, I would give anything just to have my child's grandmother purposely, actively and instrumentally involved in the life of my son he's 7 years old.

Unfortunately my mother is decease and my son's, father, mother is busy working as a nurse and she takes care of her sickly daughter who is on dialysis and has sickle cell anemia...basically her daughter is dying. To date her daugther, my son's only aunt has been in the hospital 18 times this year and it's only March.

Sleeplessmom in case you forgot or maybe you haven't heard or just never thought about it...but I got a news flash for you.... YOU ARE BLESSED!!! AND VERY FORTUNATE!! YOU, YOUR KIDS AND HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you tried explaining to both your husband and Mother-in-law that it would help you out alot if they would express their appreciation to you for the meal's you prepared. Just ask them to be sensitive to your need to feel appreciated and ask them to practice being your cheerleader by complimenting your williness and efforts to cook delicious healthy meals for them.

Even ask grandma...your mother-in-law to join in and help you. Create some memories of your own with her...to share with your children once they are older and perhaps even... with their kids...your own grand kids someday...because one day she'll be gone.

Also, maybe your mother-in-law just enjoys all of the love that you put into your meals. I have heard that the way to a person's heart is through their stomach. Keeping cooking with LOVE as the main ingredient. God Bless You and you family.

Pumpkin

Pumpkin - THANK YOU THANK YOU!! For reminding me of things I need to be grateful for. You are so smart. I can be so negative, when so many people have truly difficult situations like you do with your in-laws.

Glenn - You have a good point too about Whose "should" is this anyway? It reminds me of the tape (maybe it's Assertiveness) when the guy says he helps his mother on his terms now, not hers. And that he found it freeing, but it can feel selfish.

I guess the key is to achieve some balance...I want to prepare and enjoy meals together because I WANT to, not because I feel I HAVE to. I like the idea of sending them over to her house once in a while, or maybe they could order pizza and my husband and I go out on a date? (Now there's an idea).

Thank you for allowing me to hear your different perspectives...my mother-in-law cleans for most of my friends so I have to watch what I say about her! I am lucky to have help when I need it.

Sleepless,
I adored my mother in law!! She was awesome in everyway. She is gone now, died in 2005. She loved our children, and never minded giving of herself. I was always trying to figure out ways of giving back to her. I hate cooking to, but it was such a joy to have her around. She was always willing to help in any way she could.
I know for a mom, cause i am one, sometimes, we feel taken advantage of. There seems so much that mom has to do, take care of kids, husband, work, laundry, cleaning.
I would give anything to have my mother in law back, i still pick up the phone during a hectic day and think ill call her. After over a year of her being gone. She is giving of herself the only way she knows how. Your children will love her as grandmother because she gives to them of herself.
I know how tired you must be, and it sometimes seems like what you have to do for is out of the way and inconvient, but she still works, and she is giving your children, some kids never get, quality , loving time with a grandparent..... Take Care NElly
Try to get some quality time to unwind, relax and take care of YOU also..

sleepmom,
if they ate for 10 minutes before they said a word..did they have a look of ummmmm that was such a good meal...
i agree with what pumpkin said..my ex mother in law is such a sweet person i have gone by there a couple of times. she is alone and she cooks so good. i will take my wife next week when she has a dr appt to meet her...i know that your kids love her.. i do not know her age. but i would talk to your husband and tell him that it would be nice to have a little help fixing dinner and clearing the table. it is not all womens work. men can do things as well. tell him that on his way home from work one night a week to pick up dinner on the way. and that you will have the table sit..take care and good luck to you....hang in there and we will have you in our prayers. GOD BLESS....
if you knew me before i met him.(GOD).then you would know why i love him...
DON

I'm sorry to change the topic, I just have a quick question. Do any of you ever just find yourselves getting really ngry and frustrated for "no reason" or basically because you are just really sick of feeling conflicted and all of these thoughts coming in and out with seeminly no control. I find that I direct it at my boyfriend more than anyone else. I kind of focus all of the energy onto him and almost thing he is the cause of it. I have come to focus on him as the reason for the anxiety, but down deep I know it's not. I am projecting so much onto him from within me, the mistakes I have made with men in the past (which are many), and all of the realy difficult relationships and times I have had in relation to men (which have been almost all). I don't want to fasley focus my energy and put it on him when I don't think he deserves it. I have been struggling with this relationship for a few months, but we have also had a lot of terrific times. If any of you have ever read Lucinda's From Panic to Power, she talks about a night she had with David and how she almost broke up with him, et cetera. I feel very similarly, but I think my man is great. It's so many things. It's become my new obsession, and I mean OBSESSION. I am CONSTANTLY focused on how I'm feeling toward him, how I am thinking about him, my expectations, all of it. yet, I think I love him. I feel like jekyll and Hyde. This is getting long. I'm sorry. Anyway, any thoughts are welcome. I have posted about this before, but the whole anger thing is an issue I haven't really talked about. Thanks, guys. All of you who are struggling, hang in there. We can all conquer this.
peace be with you all.

Maybe your mother in law is lonely. I wouldn't break my back trying to make a meal pleasing to her. Don't go out of your way to make someone else happy. Take care of yourself first. Make a meal or eat what you would on any other night. If she doesn't like it she should eat at her own house. We are poeple pleasers it's hard not to be. But you need to give your self a break. Don't worry what other people think .

I don't blame you for being angry cooking for her. It does appear she is purposely visiting at times meals are provided for her. She appartenly enjoys your cooking. I know this doesn't make it easier on you fighting the anger or resentment you feel toward her. I really liked the suggestion of letting the kids go to her house but she would probably return them just as you are getting supper on the table and you would feel obiligated to invite her. It also sounds like you cook to please her. Do you cook such great meals when she is not going to be there to eat? Perhaps a few nights of peanut butter would stop her from staying. Or the other option is explain to her you can not afford the extra person at the table and it is to much for you to take care of one more person.
My kids grandparents could care less about them. It would be nice if they did care. Sometimes we need to change our view to change our world. Good luck! Remember you are not a horrible person for being angry at her. You feel angry because you feel violated.