I WAS ALRIGHT IN SO MANY WAYS ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO NOW. I COULD HANDLE THINGS. I WAS OUT OF TOWN JUST FINISHED SWIMMING GOING FOR LUNCH AND VERY COMFORTABLE AND STARTED TO FAINT. THAT WAS 31/2 YEARS AGO. I GOT THE TAPES FIRST AND THEN THE COACHING AND THEN THE COACHING AGAIN. I DUDILIGENTLY DID THE WORK AND I AM STILL EXISTING. I HATE THIS CHANGE. IN ONE SECOND EVERYTHING I EVER DID CAME CRASHING DOWN ON ME. THE COACH WAS WONDERFUL. I CAN'T SEEM TO BEAT THIS THING. MY LIFE IS SLIPPING BY AND I CANT STOP IT. I DON'T ENJOY, LAUGH, SIT COMFORTABLY DRIVE COMFORTABLY AND I HAVE READ AND READ AND PRACTICED AND I CAN'T GET THIS MUCK OFF ME. I FEEL IVE BEEN PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING BUT EVEN THIS HAS A LIMIT. I WANT MY LIFE TO MOVE FORWARD NOT BACKWARDS NOT STAND STILL (AND IT CAN) I WANT TO ENJOY WHAT I HAVE LEFT AND REGRETFULLY I DON'T. PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME. [EMAIL]WWW.STRESSCENTER.COM[/EMAIL]

WHY DON'T I FEEL BETTER

Hello Shari,

I could not help but respond to your email because I think so many of us on this program ask ourselves that question very often. When I was reading your message I could not help but remember when I was listening to the tape on Lesson 2 or 3 regarding self-talk where Lucinda discusses a friend of hers who was struggling with depression and had sort of a "relapse." Her friend was really concerned that she would not be able to bring herself back out of the depression. Lucinda told her to do a "reality check" and told her friend that even though she may be having a depressed morning, afternoon, or day, that did not mean that the rest of her days had to be that way. The truth of the matter is that we are all human and we are all, even those of us who complete the program and improve dramatically, going to have anxious/angry/depressed days or weeks or even months at times. But you know what? We will also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and eventually get on with life. I am sure you have heard that a hundred times but it is true.
I have only been on this program for five weeks and the one thing I have already realized is that what I tell myself is critical to my progress. I remember practicing the positive replacement thoughts in my workbook and I thought to myself "I SHOULD have this down pat by now." And then I realized that my expectations were way too high. I expected a twenty-five year bad habit of negative thinking to magically disappear within a few weeks.
I certainly do not mean to offend you but I would like to suggest that you review your expectations you have for yourself. Perhaps you feel that because you have done this program so many times that you SHOULD NEVER have another angry/anxious/depressed episode again. If so, let me tell you one of the many painful lessons I had to learn about myself and other people ...none of us are perfect. We are all going to have relapses at some point. And you know what else? That is OKAY. Every single person in this world has something that they cannot seem to break off of them whether it is perfectionism, anxiety, depression, anger, lust, substance abuse, cancer, and the list goes on. That is what makes us human. They are lying if they tell you that they have no issues or problems. But through this program I am learning to talk myself out of these episodes.
For me personally, I have had a really tough time with obsessive, negative thinking. I have found that in the midst of these episodes (which I have felt would NEVER go away) I have had to say out loud that this would pass. Believe me, I didn't feel like it would at the time but the more I did that, the better I started to feel. I even had to write it in my journal eight zillion times before it finally started sinking in. Plus I had to breathe for at least ten minutes straight. And eventually I began to feel better but it took a lot of time and practice. But I needed (and still need) to remind myself that I am not perfect and that things WILL get better even if I fall back into my obsessive thinking.
The last thing (and then I will shut-up )I wanted to tell you was that when I found that absolutely positively NOTHING else was working for me, I got on my knees and prayed to God to give me the strength. Looking back now, I realize that this was the first thing I should have done. I do not know if you are a spiritual or religious person but I can tell you that it was at my most desperate hour that He answered me. Now before I even start listening to the tapes I pray and ask God to work with me. Even though I cannot see Him, I know that He is always there.
I know this sounds like a bunch of stuff you've heard before but sometimes we need to hear it again. Review your expectations. You might want to check out lesson four again. Another awesome thing to do is to distract yourself by exercising or taking a nice walk along a beach if you can get to one. For me I found that it was a reminder of the beautiful things in life. I realized that my worries and troubles were so small compared to the beautiful, big ocean. Tell yourself that even though you are going through a rough time, it WILL pass. Eventually you will feel the difference but it's when you're at your darkest hour, that is when you need to do this the most. Take it from someone who knows all too well. Obviously you have to do what works for you. Hopefully this will help you put some things in perspective.

Sheri

I'm having a hard time starting this because I can feel for you so much. For me, and I don't want to sound really negative, but I really had to go really down in the barrel before I decided, or came to the realization that , (excuse my language) but what the f--k. I finally opened up to a therapist. I felt I really had nothing to lose. By doing that I realized also that everyone is really in the same position. Being a sensitive person, which I believe you are also, makes it hard to deal with everyday issues which many people would just pass off. But I personally don't think that anything that is important to you is worth passing off. You may not have solutions to the problems which bother you,but in time you may come to some kind of rationalization about them, or do something to change them. It does take time, and I know how your hurting now, but please try to sit back and concentrate on how to heal yourself first. There are a lot of evils in this world, and we can not take them all on, but by taking care of yourself in the long run you may be able to conquer one of these things which are bothering you. That's a step forward,and thats what counts.

Sander

Shari- Patience is knowing you are on the right path and it takes time to change ones way of thinking and for everyone that is different. Last year I felt I had info overload as I had done the program and did the coaching plus read everything I could so I just settled down and relaxed and let life flow and guess what the skills kicked in when needed. See I was trying too hard and everyones recovery is different one step at a time and there is a time for everything.I also asked God for his guidance threw this process and now everything is falling in to place and has over 2 years for me and we never stop learning about ourselves so just try to relax a bit and go with the flow.There is no such thing as failure only a chance to learn and grow and those of us with aniexty want it done now so we have to learn Patience. Keep the faith and believe in you. Here is a little something for you to read by Emily Matthews about Determination--- WHEN THINGS GO WRONG AS THEY SOMETIMES WILL AND IT SEEMS LIKE LIFE IS ALL UPHILL BUT YOU DO NOT GIVE IN ,YOU JUST GIVE IT TIME SINCE YOU ARE INTENT TO MAKE THE CLIMB THAT IS DETERMINATION. WHEN YOU JUST CAN NOT WIN AS YOU SOMETIMES WONT AND YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING, BUT YOU DONT. WHEN YOU HAVE MET DEFEAT, YET STILL CAN SMILE STOPPING ONLY TO REST AWHILE THAT IS DETERMINATION. In closing Shari remember it is only thoughts and we have control to change them-----timber

Shari

What are you afraid of? Perhaps if you actually made a list of your fears you may have a starting point. Or is it a matter of you don't know what your life's purpose is. These are questions which I had to go thru. They're big questions, and not easy to answer. I had to do a lot of soul searching. Time is sometimes the answer. It's not something that can happen overnight, or in a span of weeks. We develope habits which we need to change, and we need to start new habits and stick to them. It's a battle, but we all know that where we were was not good, so moving ahead can only be an improvement.

Good luck Sander

thank you for responding. i have found that this forum is so helpful. you hit the bullseye. I know that what i feel is pure fear. it is in its rawest form. i am approaching it at this stage dealing with the little one that i think is the source of the fear. little one meaning the litttle me that suffered trauma. This trauma turned me into a survivor which isn't all bad but when you stop and turn around and try to live you can't breath. so what i have done is some soul searhing and figured out that where i must have misssed some critical coping skills at a very critical development stage and was truely surviving she got scared and lost. So this leaves the adult without coping skills. hope you follow. so everything escalated to i don't want to do anything because im afraid. now i am just realizing that the little one steps in with no coping skills as if a child were trying to handle adult problems and just can't but does. So she is pretty courageous. I am trying to reassure that side of myself and take on the responsibilities that i have had all along and claim them. intergrate the two and give the child a break. But since she has been the survivor of us she is strong and wants to handle the situations a child couldn't. Me the adult can for the most part as a learning experience gradually do it. If it could have only happened faster, yesterday, ten years ago etc. It didn't and youre right it does take time patience and hard work. I love telling myself the symptoms wont hurt me. I have spent in excess of 50,000 outside of insurance because i stay so dizzy and fatigued which brings on other symptoms. I can't be medicated because i am so high strung they turn toxic in my system. i am so high strung i am exhausted all the time. I am so worn out from all of this anxiety the days come that I truely feel like I can't fight or float. i am working on acceptance and imperfection. Lowering expectations and realizing that life happens. Giving up that control and hoping that God has a plan for me that I will understand one day. After all if it isn't a struggle or conflict its easy. You don't learn as much when everything is easy and we all know that. I am taking the hardest course in life I have ever had with this debilitating curse. But I am greatful for this forum and knowing that I am not alone and it truely makes a difference to see people who actually have the same issues rather than see someone who has only read about them. I love my doctors but its hard to understand something so hudge if you haven't been there. Thanks for writing and I hope you will write again.

Shari,

Why don't you acknowledge the fact that you have panic attack disorder and that it may flare up from time to time in your life. No one likes this condition, Shari, but accepting it is your best key to healing. I mean accepting it way down deep inside of you.

You may not feel like you have the coping skills but you do have them. They are there in the form of the tapes and workbook. You can now be your own good parent and trust that you are equipped to handle whatever comes your way. You can share this with your inner child. Go over the tapes again - slowly.

This is a great exercise to help further you along on your path. It comes from "Dark Side of the Light Chasers", by Debbie Ford.
Picture what anxiety looks like to you. Give it form. Give it a name so you can address it while visualizing. See yourself wrap your arms around her (like you would your small child) and enveloping her in your love. She comes bearing gifts. Ask her what they are. Thank her for coming into your psyche and let her know that she's welcome to be with you anytime and that you will return to talk to her again. She may not give you a reply right away. After a couple of minutes gently release her and return to the room you are in. Take a nice slow deep breath and make plans to talk to her everyday until you experience peace with her.

You'll learn to BE with what is instead of struggling with what is. This is allowing. This is healing.

Blessings,
Bon

Shari

your words are very familiar to me, in that I have felt the same way. it is comforting to know there are others here who have had the same experiences, yet I know how uncomfortable it still is when we need to keep up the internal battle within ourself to keep "sane". You brought up a very good point in your last post. The very fact that we don't have the answers to all our problems can start us panicking. It's the unknown which truly brings about fear. It could be something as simple as going for a walk at night and worried who may be around the corner, or worrying about going on a plane flight. I found that I was worried about having a heart attack at one time. I read about what caused heart attacks, and started eating a balanced diet and exercising. I was worried about my anxiety, so I read about anxiety and started doing techniques to help adjust my thinking, and feelings. I started taking control of my life in a way which now gives me the opportunity to have a better outlook on what to expect in certain situations. I'm going on a plane flight in two weeks. This I must admit is causing me some anxiety, BUT, when I went on a flight a few years ago I was extremely anxious, plus at that time I was also on anti-anxiety meds. Now I know why I'm feeling anxious, and know that it will pass. The fear of a plane crash has certainly crossed my mind, but I really have no control over that except not going, and I am determined not to loss enjoyment in my life over anxiety.

You talked about going thru drama in your life, and not having the coping skills. I would have to ask myself what possible coping skills can someone have before going into a trauma which they have never experienced before?. Unfortunately we were not born knowing every possible answer to every problem we may encounter. This can only be learned thru life. I do a lot of reading, and search for answers on questions which I find upsetting, or don't understand. By doing this it helps with my fears on these issues. By the very fact that I still run into issues on a daily basis which I still find unsettling, I acknowledge the fact that I will never know everything, but must keep coming up with solutions to problems which I will still encounter in life.

I find that rather then fearing new situations, it's better to try and challenge them. This can be done by looking for answers to those fears. Ask yourself what you would do in a certain situation. Or perhaps go on line and see what others have done. There are sooo many ways people handle the same situation.

I know first hand how much fear can hold us back from trying new things, or even continuing to do the everyday things which we use to do. But at some point it comes down to the point that, in my case, I finally decided that enough was enough, I wanted to get on with my life. I started not caring what others thought of how I looked or what I said. I decided that if I wanted to drive to a place I was afraid to go to I was going to do it because I really did want to go there. One of the greatest things I decided was that there are just some things in life we have no control over, and with these things, I decided not to waste my precious time thinking about them, because whatever will be will be. My greatest fear was of dying, I think this is a big fear for everyone on this forum. I sat down one day and really thought about this, the conclusion I came to was that. I could either waste the rest of my life sitting around fearing when I die, and then when that time comes regret that I hadn't lived my life to the fullest, or I could stop worrying about death, and get on with living. I've choosen the later. Death is definely something I have no control over, but living life I do have control over. Finding peace and happiness is a life long quest. I don't believe it comes easy, and I think that everyone has setbacks along the way. It's how we chose to deal with these set backs which will ultimately determine how happy we will be. I say all this now, but 5 years ago I would not have been thinking like this at all. I truly understand what your going thru, and it is truly a miserable existence. BUT NEVER GIVE UP. It will pass. Keep reaching out and looking for answers, the right person will come along with the answers you need.

Wishing you peace and happiness Sander

Shari

I think alot of people have trouble acknowledging facts about their emotions or physical conditions,or pretty much anything which they don't feel good about. By acknowledging they have a problem, means they then need to do something about it. The doing part can seem too overwhelming, and so we tend to pretend it doesn't exist. Unfortuanately by pretending it doesn't exist gets us no where.

There have been a lot of shows recently on TV about overweight, obese people. Some of these people didn't want to acknowledge the fact that it was not a medical problem, but a problem which they do have control over. (although I find personally that obesity in many cases is brought on by emotional problems). In any case, until they choose to acknowledge that they can take control and change their situation, there is nothing that is going to work for them.

I find it is the same with anxiety. Anxiety is fear, pure and simple. For me, I get anxious when I don't know how to handle a situation. Very much like a child who screams out when frustrated. I think it's the child in us that gets confused, and scared. But, I don't think that there is anything wrong with this, as long as the next step is finding a solution to our fears.

You acknowledged yourself that you feel in your situation you have brought yourself some kind of relief with your past. Guilt can take a big hold on us. It's hard to get closure on issues we know in our hearts we wish had never had to transpire. The mere fact that you hold this guilt is a good sign that you do feel bad about what happened. But the past can't be changed, and life needs to go on. If not for your own sake, perhaps for your daughter you can try to eliminate this guilt. One thing I have learned is that you can't make others happy, and therefore you also can't make others forgive you. It's up to each individual to make themselves happy, and also to forgive themselves. It's tough, but either we decide to live the rest of our lives in a miserable state, or we choose to move on and do the best we can, and perhaps help others who are going thru the same trauma we once went thru.

You know it's interesting you said you lost critical people in your life during your time of need. Perhaps you could be of help to others going thru similiar experiences. You know how critical this can be for someone suffering. Rather then thinking of this as a negative part of your life, perhaps you could inspire others. Isn't this what life is all about. I'm sure Lucinda once thought of her anxiety as the worst curse which could be placed upon an individual, yet by having gone thru what she did, she has inspire many people, and has done very well. There has to be something in what you have gone thru that could help someone else. Perhaps it may be your daughter, perhaps someone you haven't met yet. Please stay positive.
Sander

SANDER THANK YOU. I DO ACCEPT THAT I HAVE THESE FEELINGS MY GOODNESS THEY HAVE THEIR WAY OF DOMINATING A LOT OF MY DAYS AND EVEN THOUGH I JUST WOKE UP I DON'T FEEL SO GREAT AND I THINK PROBABLY BECAUSE I PUT MY FEELINGS OUT THERE AND AM READY FOR THE AX OF JUDGEMENT TO COME DOWN ON ME NOW. BUT AFTER ACCEPTING WHAT THEN WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP. HOW DO I PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE. NOT OVER ANALYZING AND TO NOT CARE WHAT THIS FAMILY THAT I WAS A PART OF FOR SO LONG THINK? I DON'T EVEN SEE THEM OR TALK TO THEM AND IT EATS ME UP. I KNOW THEY HAVE FOUND A WAY TO MOVE ON AND STILL HATE THE WAY THEY DO I CAN'T DO THAT AT THIS POINT. I CANT ACCEPT THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ALL THE FACTS THAT I AM NOT SOME VILLIAN AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME BUT THE EXTREME THEY FEEL IS SO DEVISTATING. I JUST DON'T WANT THAT OUT THERE AND I CANT CHANGE IT. SO HOW DO I MOVE TO THE NEXT STEP.ILL WORK ON AND DO IT ANYWAY TO GET TO THE END IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?............. THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS.

Wow Shari, I know exactly what your saying. What do you think you could do for yourself, that would make you feel better about the situation. Other people are going to believe what they want to believe, even if it's not right. I know this feeling. For me, all I can do is know deep down inside myself that I'm trying to do the right thing. As long as I stick to this it seems to help.

This somewhat relates to what your saying, but certainly on a smaller scale. This morning I took in one of my cats to get spayed. The dr. noticed that the gums were quite red. She told me the cat has a viral condition which she will have for life, there is no vaccine which will change this. I take in cats which need homes. One of the kittens I found as a stray is the culprit of passing on this condition to my other cats. i didn't know this, but felt that I should have, since I've been working with animals for going on 25yrs. I felt terrible. My first though was that I'm useless, I shouldn't take in anymore animals, thats the end of this. I took home some vaccines and vaccinated the other two kittens I have at my place, thinking that they probably will be in the same condition. Fortunately their gums both look OK. Through all this I keep telling myself, I didn't know any better, now I do, and it won't happen again. This really helped, but I still feel bad that I didn't know this before. I feel stupid going back to the vets to pick-up my cat. I'm thinking also, that they'll think I should have known this. It's actually really embarrassing considering the amount of experience I have had working with animals.

So now at this point I need to come to an understanding within myself that I did the best i could have done with the knowledge i had available to me. now that I know this condition exists, I will certainly take care to look for it in the future. But weather the vet thinks I'm totally stupid or what, I can't change their opinion at this point. I can only try to do the best I can do. If they don't like it, I can't let that continue to bother me or I'm just going to become a wreck.

The point being, shit happens, some big, some small. Take the lesson you've learned from it all, use it to better your life. Forgive yourself, but don't expect others to forgive you. Know that you did the best you could have done under the circumstances, and I don't know what happened in your life to creat this crisis your going thru now, but something bad obviously did happen. I'm sure you had reasons for acting the way you did at the time. What else could you have done knowing what you did know then?. Hind sight is 20/20, but we don't live in a world like that, we do what we need to do to survive, and that's all you were trying to do. If the other side of the family can't understand that, then they need to deal with it not you.

Take care.

Sander

SANDER SEE IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH THE WORD SURVIVE. I WAS SURVIVING. PROTECTING EVERYTHING IMPORTANT TO ME AT ALL COST. I WAS REASONABLE IN THE BEGINNING AND IT JUST KEPT ESCALATING AND THINGS WERE HAPPENING TO ME THAT WERE SO HARD TO HANDLE. BIZZAR THINGS. ITS ALWAYS AFTER THE FACT THAT I FALL APART. I HANDLE HUGE ISSUES ON A FAIRLY REGULAR BASIS AND THAT IS A FACT ITS AFTER IT ALL CALMS DOWN AND MY MIND HAS TIME TO THINK THAT I LOSE IT. SERIOUS FIGHT OR FLIGHT. TO FIGHT DOESN'T MEAN GET UGLY IT JUST MEANS HANDLE WITH PROFESSIONAL CLICK INTO THE MORE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE SIDE. THEN JUST FROM THE AFTER MATH OF NOT PLEASING EVERYONE OR ANALYSING EVERY SINGLE PART DISECTING EVERY WORD HOW IT WAS SAID WHY IT WAS SAID ETC. GOES ON AND ON AND ON. FOR DAYS WEEKS OR YEARS. I REPLAY EVERY EVENT EVERY REASON WHY SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS AND JUSTIFY IT AND LIE AND CHEAT ABOUT IT. SEE WHAT I MEAN IT BECOMES OBSESSIVE. THEN I GET SO TIRED I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. THEN I REST OBSESSIVELY THEN THE ADRYNALINE KICKS IN SINCE I HAVE SO MUCH OF IT AND WE START THE CYCLE ALL OVER AGAIN. BUT I GUESS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE PREVIOUS POST THAT DEATH IS A HUGE ISSUE WITH ME AND IT SCARES ME TO THE VERY PIT OF MY SOUL. THERE HAS JUST BEEN SO MUCH OF IT TO DEAL WITH FROM SUCH AN EARLY AGE IN MY LIFE. INEVITABLE YES BUT IN MY FACE SO HEAVILY WITH PEOPLE I WAS SO CLOSE TO ITS SO FREAKIN HARD. THANK YOU AGAIN AND I LOVE READING YOUR KIND AND ENCOURAGING WORDS.........SHARI

Shari

I am also one who can handle most any situation, and look calm and in control. Yet when it's all done and over, thats when I start second guesting myself. I found by being true to my own feelings on a matter, and I mean really being true to how I feel about something, then I don't tend to have to go back over the situation in my mind. There are still times when I wonder if I did the right thing, but it's usually when I've made too quick a descision on a matter. . I can relate to what your saying though. I was faced with a situation which involved my mother. She was not a very kind mother when we were growning up. In fact my sister says she can't remember once getting a hug, or being comforted by her. My sister has a real big problem with the whole situation in her life now. I choose to forgive my mother, I decided my life was more importand, and worth more then what I would get out of continuing to hate her. My sister can't understand my change of heart with my mother, for me it did take time to change, but now I see my mother in a different way, as someone who knew no better then what she knew, and gave to her children. My mother is a very scared, desparate women, you would never know it by looking at her, but her has many problems. I think for someone to continue to hate another is so unfortunate, it takes so much potential happiness away from their lives. Forgiving another is such a big step towards happiness, I hope that your extranged family can get to this point.
Good Luck
Sander