I am struggling and really need some support. It takes a lot for me to ask, so I know this program is working.

The reason I got into this program, was that for nearly 40 years I was able to manage depression and anxiety (that I really never called by either name)with exercise and good eating and my faith. I was a battered woman, have PTSD, and was in NYC on 9-11. I had a few years of calm but after I got married to a fine man, 3 years of hell broke loose for us both. We moved for his job to a new town, and got suckered. We made a so called friend who becamse like an uncle to us. We bought our home from him. We had no family our friends and both went 1000 miles away for this job. Well, he defraud us out of all we had. We trusted him too much. So many other things happened steming from this, but we moved 4 times in 3 years, lost our home, down to bare bones living, my husband left me while pregnant with no income because he was so upset, but thankfully we worked it out. The stressors are too many to mention... it is too pathetic.

Anyway, my parents came to see me about 8 weeks ago, after not seeing them for a year. We live 2000 miles apart. This was big because they were finally coming to see my new baby who is 6 months, it was a big step because they did not come to my wedding because they were angry we were moving. However it was painfully apparent that their real interest was to see my eldest son, and they took him out all day while they were here and met the rest of us for dinner only. Then they both said that they have more feelings for him than their own kids. And on the last day, my dad was so angry at me for moving and getting into the financial mess, that he didn't want to spend the day with me even though I asked. I know I am rambling, but I am giving up my guts so you get the picture.

Okay, so I decide that I have to do something, because as strong as I am the accumulated stress of my life is getting the best of me. My wonderful kids and husband need a happy mommie and I want through so much just to be a stay at home mom, that I was not going to lose these precious moments to my messed up state of emotions. I hear about the program, and it has been very helpful so far. I am on week 6.

THEN, just yesterday something difficult happened that is really shaking me up. It makes all of the gushing emotions of the horrific past 3 years come back. This:

My son and our neighbor boy had been training for a track meet. I was training them. We did this almost daily for 2 months. I actually got my 6 month old and 2 year old out to the park many mornings to train these boys. They had another trainer for a while as well..They worked and ran SO HARd. We had a schedule. My son was eating better, drinkign lots of water..etc. Then the big day comes and we travel to the track meet and take a hotel because it is far away. We are on a tight budget. My husband takes off from work. We were given a letter that said he could choose one track and one field event. However, when we got there (the notice letter said also that it started at 7 when in act athletes were to be there at 6 for opening ceremonies), we were told that he could not be in any track (running) event, only in a long jump. We were floored. He did not even train for that. The director admitted at first that the letter we got was wrong and misleading, but then when other parents heard us asking if they could make an exception for these two 9 year old boys who had trained so hard, he flat out lied and said that all the other parents understood the letter. However, our letter had been different and he saw that right away. He said that the author was wrong and he was sorry. But he would not say that once other parents started hearing it.

Anyway, my son's friend got to run in an event he had not trained for, but at least it was running. And then my son was strong and said he wanted to see his friend run. So we were not out of there until 10:30 pm, and my friend had my two babies and my husband was upset with me for not planning better about where the kids would be and thought I had imposed on my friend. I don't feel that I had because she had agreed ti watch them and I took her two kids the track meet.

Anyway..I am feeling this flood of anguish about the way these boys were treated. It was so unfair. It brings back the flood of feelings we went through when we were losing our home after we had just poured most of our savings into renovating it...about the promises were given (20-30 times), that we would be getting our money back we had given to a trusted friend to buy another piece of real estate. He lied and kept lying to us weekly. He would say " I will have your money 99% on Saturday at noon," and then he would be no where to be found.

I am so upset about what happened to these boys, and feel helpless. I spoke appropriately and stood up for them and tried my level best to get this man to make an exception, but he said he could not. He was rude to me over the phone as well, when I had called him before the meet.

My son is handling it better, but he does occasionally say that all that hard training (it is HOT here, we live in 3 digit temperatures) was for nothing. Of course we say all the right things in reply, and he is now watching Rocky with my husband....

The reason I am seeking some words of support is that tonight (this all happened last night), I went shopping and went to two stores. I left my 6 month old in the car by mistake!!! When I got home I asked my husband where the baby was...Then he reminded me I took her with me. I freaked. She is fine, but if it had been during hte day, she would not have been fine. I am so ashamed of myself and feel terrible. I just hugged her for an hour.

If anyone wants to say those positive things that I should be able to say to myself, or anything else, I welcome it. Thanks