I've been going out with my girlfriend now for 5 months or more, and what keeps happening is that we keep getting into fights, very frequently. I just spent 3 weeks with her living at her dads house to visit over winter break (from college). And we had more fights during that, a few very bad ones. Most of the time it has been me getting upset over things. I've gotten better at controlling my voice level, I used to raise my voice when I was upset, not to yell at her, but just because I felt so much anxiety I didn't know what else to do. I would get upset. I don't know if its just that me and her don't get along , but I haven't ever been in a relationship before. It's my first, and its hard. I don't know what to do. We haven't talked much since we got back. She has told me several times that she thinks i have something more than anxiety, like bipolar disorder, but I'm not sure about that. I have gotten irrationally paranoid about things before though. I had a friend with whom I had frequent arguments with, but we are no longer friends, we just don't like eachother though. I'm not even sure if we still love eachother (me and my g/f). Any advice?

Hi there!
I would not accept a diagosis made by my girl friend if I were you.
You are probably okay.
Do you have this program?
If so begin to work the program.
And maybe you should cool it with the girl friend for awhile.
There is plenty of time for relationships after you work the program and get to know yourself better.
You need to be comfortable with yourself before you can become comfortable with anyone else.
So perhaps the both of you should just slow down for awhile. You are both still very young.
Hope everything gets better for you.
MJ

Hey, Cornflower,

Is this program supposed to help you get to know yourself? That would be great. Guayhumanperson, I can relate and I am OLD. I keep hearing and reading that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I have had problems with relationships all my life. I don't allow anyone to get close and I am married with children! Take Cornflower's advice, work the program and hopefully that will help you with your relationships with others. I'm right there with you, buddy! We can do this.

guayhumanperson, realtionships are not the easiest thing in the world. I always found that if you argue, fight, and have constant shouting battles, then you need to step back and see if this is all worth it. The chemisrty may be there but all else is a mess and that is not a bad thing. Step back, concentrate on your studies and stick with the program. You may learn why all this is happening. Don't always blame yourself because it does take two to end up where you are, and by trying this program it looks as though you are trying.

ugh. I'm talking to her right now. She's not taking very well that we should 'cool off'. She says running away from problems doesn't help. But it does help me. She's been sick and wants me to be there for her, but I don't have a car and her place is a decent walk from mine. And the weather sucks it has been snowing. We just spent all that time together in the same house, and she doesn't understand that I think we need to cool off. She thinks I don't want to see her. She thinks I don't care about her feelings. She thinks I'm bi-polar, or something, crazy. She used to say 'i have a friend who has anxiety and he doesnt get angry and flip out like you'. And I just don't get it. What do I do?

She says whats the point of dating you if you don't see me. It's like shes anxious to date someone else. I don't see the big deal, if she wants me to work on myself she has to allow me space right? She calls me self-absorbed because I want to work on myself and I need space to do it. She apparently wants me to force myself to go down there cause im 'so bad to her'. I haven't even wanted to talk to her the past week because we always fight. Maybe the love has been drained from us.

Hello Human Person:
I still say slow down with this relationship.
She seems to demand more than you can give right now.
Realize that you can't make anyone happy. Contentment and happiness comes from within the person.
It sounds like she is in bad need of the program also.
It is not my intentions to break you two up.
I just think that you need time to work the program.
And you can't let your girl friend keep you from this goal.
Only you know your heart in this matter.
You must examine your heart and act in your own best interest. You can't or shouldn't try to force yourself to like someone because they want you to.
As I said earlier, you are rather young yet.
There is time.
MJ

I would be leery of a person who kept telling me I was Bi-Polar.
Only a good doctor can tell you this.
And half of them just guess.

I wouldn't know if you are or are not.
But I sure wouldn't take a girls accusing word on it.
I'd run from her.
MJ

WOW! I thought I was the only one going through this type of stuff the past year. I have been in a very on/off relationship with a girl for 1 1/2 years that I really do care for. Let me tell you, the advice I have read tonight on pulling back and examining ourselves and putting time to working your program rings loud. Time really works for your best interest. I have been emotionally unstable seems like ever I met her. I always have had depression that I am back into working on right now. But this relationship I have been in supercharged it!!! I drew a line in the sand around Thanksgiving with her and she still does not give up trying to guilt me and hurt me via texting, email. I told her I can only work on me and it is her responsibility to work on herself. It did bring offense. Regardless, time always heals! However I am feeling and doing better by drawing that line. My closest friends always told me to back off and draw the line in the sand along time ago. By not doing so I missed a lot of potential good days. There are plenty of fish in the sea that will understand!

To summarize further. I did try to hang on. I did become the scape goat for everything about the relationship being so down hill. It just continued to drive me crazy just when everything seemed to be fine, days later I was back on the hot seat. It was turning into pure insanity. By all means this might not be your case. I just feel ya. I was in a 18 year marriage previously that really was healthy for maybe 10 of those years. As some more advice read here tonight goes, I don't believe I ever really got to that place of knowing my depression and how it works and reacting to it and truly loving me. That may have made the full 18 years a success. I'm determined this time before I lose the next possible mate of my dreams. I relate to what your feeling!

I kind of know where your comming from,
If you love her, and what to work it out, start by not sweating the small stuff, try not to get to so work up, stay calm, and approach it in a cool manner. Good luck!

Yeah.. to mhaz, the thing is, it doesn't seem like I can help very much that I get upset. And when I do, it ruins her life and she gets upset, doesn't wanna even look at me. I mean I can help that I get upset, it's not like I'm just using anxiety as an excuse to yell as much as I want, but that's how she treats me. She's said to me several times, You must want to fight with me cause I can't see any other reason. And she says she always believes me but if she says stuff like that I don't understand how she can. And no, I don't like being called bi-polar, but if I am bi-polar, why would I only be that way around her sometimes? My moods change probably as much as anyone on this forum. And I always feel really bad about upsetting her, and I've made her cry several times before. I didn't mean to, and the thing is she frequently sounds like shes being mean or nasty, and I take it as being that way, and then get upset and she says I have no reason for being upset. But no matter what its very hard for me to not ever react to her tone of voice at least sometimes. It's just so frustrating. I don't know what to do. For like a week now I haven't really wanted to go over and see her, or talk to her that much. I don't know if that's because I don't love her like I used to, or because of our rough time on vacation. She wants me to talk to a counselor about my problems, but this is what it feels like to me. I feel really bad about upsetting her, but the way she reacts sometimes it feels like I can't help it. She got mad at me for not visiting her this past week and said 'my friends care about me and come visit me' and it really does feel like a guilt-trip.

Cornflower has given some very wise counsel. Some of us, maybe most of us with emotional problems, are very needy. That usually means our needs have not been met as children and we still don't know how to meet them as adults. This results in low-self esteem which shows up in the form of seeking to inappropriately control everyone and everything in our environment. We can be too dependent on people and circumstances, external forces, for our self esteem. It has to be internally generated for us to be stable and emotionally balanced and not so dependent upon external forces, people and circumstances. The program teaches how to develop internally generated self-esteem and a lot more.

One other thing. In today's society sex is over rated. You don't need to sleep with someone in a relationship to care about them or get to know them. My parents were good models in that respect, married for 60 years until their death. I've managed 31 years thus far myself and never had sex with anyone but my wife. I am very thankful to the girlfriends I dated before marriage. They kept sex out of the relationship. I didn't particulary like it at the time, but can see the wisdom of it from hindsite and am grateful for their committment to abstinence. Today's society, in my opinion, is being sold a bill of goods, a dog that won't hunt, when it comes to sex. You don't need it before marriage, that's a lie. And if you break up and have had sex, it has the potential to only compound the emotional problems. I realize there is a difference of opinion on this. That's simply mine based on practical experience that has worked for me.

We had dinner today and talked a little, and we seemed to have come to an agreement of sorts. She was upset cause she just thought I didn't want to see her and didn't see why. I told her I need to sort things out on my own, so hopefully things work out. She also said that maybe if we both really try things will fix, but I know that can't really happen cause we've tried it before. As long as she gives me enough space to figure this out I think we will be fine. We had just been fighting so much that it was hard to even see back to why we loved eachother or how much I loved her in the first place. I think that I used to push myself to always go over her place, and deep down I didn't really want to be over that often. I think she just wanted to get a lot more serious a lot sooner than me, and being that its my first relationship it just seems like I shouldn't rush things. I already know what happens with that. Thanks you guys for your advice. Hopefully things work out.

Hey just wanted to update this...
we broke up this week only a few days ago actually... I think it was sunday. It seemed like all of a sudden I was just like... this isn't worth it. I just can't help expressing myself when I'm upset or feel insulted. A lot of the things she has said over the course of our relationship has hurt me because they seem sarcastic, or mean, or just hurtful. Usually not mean, but just little things that really add up over time. One thing I had asked her about was, what are you going to the store for?
she responded: groceries, obviously
I ask any of you, how would you interpret that?
Especially since our relationship was hurting for awhile? I asked her was she being sarcastic or something and she said no, and later said i was 'picking a fight' by asking that. A LOT of stuff like that. I can't help it if I feel offended, i have to ask if she meant it that way at least. Anyway, i was a bit upset off and on the past couple days, but not too sad to be honest. It feels like a weight is off my shoulders now, and I feel more relaxed, and less stressed out. I thought it was all college and classes that was stressing me out but it was the relationship. I just don't get her and can't stand being called crazy or that im always starting fights. Thanks guys for your advice. I've been listening a lot to the tapes and it has also really been helping.