I'll try to keep this short...

12/31/00 I was at a party at my fiance's sisters house, feeling good, social, no anxiety and ready to quit smoking! Know just to brief you all, my fiance's family are big drinkers. His other sister I call D, was pretty loaded and felt comfortable enough to let me know that I had done something 5 months prior that bothered her. So I am trying to take this in stride and I do aplologize for my rudeness regarding a tip issue when we had gone out to dinner, so okay! Then she procedes to tell me that her cousin said I was rude to him and I have only met him once (he's also a drinker) and that she didn't like the way I had said something to my mom-in-law to be, again months ago, and I'm like what the @^%$! So as I am trying to take all of this in and not cry, as there are people all around (New Years Eve Pary)then she bring up the doozie that put me other the edge! You see, I run a landscape company and in June of 2000 we landscaped D's backayrd because they had just put an inground pool in and mind you, we did this job at cost + material= no profit b/c her husband who is a big shot was going to help us get in the right direction for some upcoming big jobs, which never happened. So okay, going back to June 2000, I am on the phone with her at work, trying to get everything organized for her job (like we used about 100 plants and perinnials and lots of other material) and I was also working on 4 other landscape jobs and was rightfully a bit stressed. So I say more in jest to her "I would like to move to Wyoming!" And she says "why, there aren't any people in Wyoming" and I say "that's why I want to go." Buy a ranch, some animals and peace of mind (like I could do this as a have sooo much money!!). Well she must of taken me literally because now come back to the New Years Eve party and she finally say to me that she thought I was "PATHETIC" because I wanted to move to Wyoming and that I didn't know how to handle stress and she thought I should see a shrink and be put on medication! That did it. My skin is sooo thin that I cried all the way home that night (my fiance didn't notice because he was smashed) but the next day he could see something was wrong and I told him what happened and he was furious. But I did handled the situation on my own. I called D a couple of days later to confront her and let her know that she totally hurt my feelings and for some reason, I wish I could go back to that conversation and make her feel as bad as she made me feel (the Italian temper side of myself), instead of re-living the conversation we did have and though I know I handled myself really well, no accusations or anything and I was the better person for it, the fact that she hurt be so bad has made me not want to be around her and when I am we do get along, but it is mostly an act on my part and I feel like I am walking on eggshells and have to be really careful about what I say and how I act for fear of being jujdged by her again. How do I stop this and get some thicker skin? Any adive on letting go?

Silvana

Silvana

Wow Silvy,
I wish I knew what to tell you but I am going through the same exact thing with my mother in law, back last Oct. she said some really hurtful things about me in a e-mail to my husband, I never had the chance to say how I felt about it because she was sick at the time (had just had a hysterectomy). So I continue to feel hurt by it, and when she comes to our house she pretends that she never said a thing and has never even mentioned it...but everytime she leaves I am fuming because I feel like I have to get along with her. If I say something now I know that everyone will just say that I am "making a big deal out of nothing", if I had said something then I would have been "picking" on her when she was sick. Talk about feeling like a real looser in a situation. So I know how you feel completely. I wish I knew what to tell you but I have no clue...I just hope you can feel better about this...and GREAT JOB on calling her and confronting her

------------------
SnowBear

I say, who gives a rat's ass what they say or think. This is back to the issue of needing everyone to like you and approve of you. So, they think you are a whiner, a non-coper, or have some other problem with your personality. What are you going to do..sit around and prove them right? Or worse yet, spend your life trying to prove them wrong at the expense of yourself?

Trying to say smething after the fact and brewing over it is a mistake. Trust me, it only took me 30 years to learn that one. Sometimes I still get it wrong. Now I act that moment, I show people that I want respect or I have better things to do with my time.

When she said you need a therapist and meds...you shold have said, "Excuse me, who are to you say such a thing. Are you qualified to determine this and better yet....have you ever heard of AA meetings..I'm sure there is one in our area." It isn't always necessary to be rude, but I have pms..so that is what comes to my mind at the moment..LOL.

The bottom line is....how much,in the scheme of life, does this really matter? If you love yourself unconditionally, why does the opinion or words of a drunk, insensitive person bother you? Let it go.

Start today to show people how to treat you the way you want to be treated. IF you wear a sign saying .."abuse me, I cry and get hurt easily"..people will take full advantage. If you present yourself in a confident, no nonsense, matter of fact way and stand up for yourself...they will learn to respond differently quicker than you could ever imagine. The secret is to appear calm and sure of yourself...if you get too defensive , you are going from being a victim to being a hell raiser..neither method works.

Stand tall and proud! It takes some practice, but it really does work. Good luck and toughen up, buttercup!! LOL

hi Silvana,
Family disputes can be the most hurtful. I also had some very harsh words said to me ...by my two (so called) brothers. I tried to 'mend' fences with them,,even thought I felt they were the ones who owed me the apology. Needless to say, It caused tremendous anxiety. I finally decided that I would not care so much if these people were not blood related. I learned to put distance between them...for myself and my health. You see, I had brain surgery and a few months before my Dad had died. The most hurtful thing was that I knew in my heart, that I would have never treated my brothers the way they have treated me...especially after my serious health scare.

Distance is the key. I have learned this is the only way to deal with people like this.

Good luck. AND remember you are not alone.

Lora

Silvana,

It can be much harder to let go hurtful things family have said. Couple questions. Would she have said these things if she was sober? Did she genuinely apologize for what she said to you? If she didn't, maybe she is just a b*tch and distance is the key. I think it's unhealthy to have anyone in your life who doesn't add to it in a positive way. Sounds like she was on a mission to be hurtful. If she isn't truly sorry, I would get her out of my life as best I could, even though she is family.

MaggieMay - have you heard of AA meetings. LOL! That's totally something I would say.

Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

well it sounds to me like your first problem is your marrying into a bunch of DRUNKS! know now that you`ll live to regret that! And how would you let something some discusting drunk say to you discourage you?
do you know that alchohol has a big mouth,and an ignorant one too! isnt it just like a drunk or a druggy to criticise someone else to make themself feel better.
sorry for rambling on this subject is just a sore spot for me. ive watched this ignorance for tooooo many years. now i stay clear of it and if your smart you will too. good luck to ya!

SnowBear, Maggiemay, Lora, Girl, Kristen,

Thanks for letting me vent. I know I have to let this one go. Atleast I did confront her and that did help alot. No one is perfect, right.

Silvana

Silvana,
I like you am very sensitive and did they same thing after my sister in law and mother in law was rude to me. She is probably jeolous because you know what you want. It has also been difficult because this side of the family knows more than I do about our child who has been very ill. Many times I have had to lick my wounds alone. It has bothered me immensely. I would urge you to stay away from her or them. Show up occasionally maybe and be ready for your best smile. Next time thank her for her advice and walk away. Like my mom always use to say, "Consider the source". Mary

Silvana I read your post. I have to asks why do you think you need a thicker coat of skin. So stuff that people say about you will roll off like water on a duck's back. It wont work, its just more skin that's going to come off. It's in the past dont dread on it. its done its over with. You said you talked to them. There is no need to mask yourself to please someone. dont associate with them. Stop acting and start realizing

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas