Today is a rough day for me, and my thought journal entry for today clearly shows it. I'd appreciate it ever so if somebody would read it, and then let me know what I can do about my negative thoughts. Thanks in advance!

Entry 4/20/05: Some of my negative thoughts got amplified today, and it seems that they won�t dissipate in strength anytime soon. The thoughts of death still rage on, and I have concluded that it�s because I severely dislike endings. I have trouble playing games or reading books recently because I�m afraid of them ending. I�m also afraid of monotony: of seeing and doing the same things over and over again, day in and day out, which also applies to playing games and reading books. Also, my perfectionism when reading and writing doesn�t help either, and when combined with my fear of endings and of monotony, everything in the universe looks rather bleak. This also causes a near-constant, crippling boredom effect on me, because I am disinterested in the things I once loved. I get so angry with myself recently due to all of these thoughts and feelings that never seem to end, and from comparing myself to other people. I know I was offered the option of taking AP history and English classes my junior year, but I decided that taking Non-Western history and English would be more important. I felt that this, when combined with my past Comparative American Studies history and English classes, and with my past Western Civilization history and English classes, would provide me with a near-complete perspective on the world as a whole. Even though it has, I still feel unworthy, because many juniors (and even some sophomores) at my school are taking AP classes. What especially troubles me is my difficulty of living in the present moment: I am either too far in the past or too ahead in a future that will probably never happen. What will I do when my pets or my parents eventually die? I can�t replace my pets, or my parents, so how will I cope? I need help resolving these issues, but I fear that these issues might never go away, or that they will go away only to come back in the future!

I undrestand obsessive thinking. Its very hard to deal with. But, sounds to me that right now your more depressed than anything. Do you exercise? Exercise really has helped me!! And it gives a better outlook on things to. Also, we cant know what is going to happen in the future.That why TODAY and THESE precious moments are so important. Dont cross bridges before they happen, because we cant know the future. Try to keep your thinking on the present, TODAY!!! If you have a doc, tell them what your experiencing, and maybe they can help also. Hang in there Gaarden, Things DO get better!!! God Bless you

i can totally relate to you gaardn.]

I obsess about my grades, that I am not good enough, or how other people in college are married engaged, or in a relationship and I am not

Comparing ourselves to others, makes us feel inadequate, and puts pressure on us to live up to the SHOULDS.

You are a good writer from what I can see in the forum, and a hard worker because you want to do well.

I still have trouble with the negative comparisons.

My advice is to think of it as there are people that are smarter than you and dumber than you,.
Be proud of your accomplishments, whether it is doing well in school, exercising, doing the MWC program.

I keep a positive data log, with stuff like:
I said hi to so and so
I paid attention in class
I got some exercise
I smiled today or laughed

these are just some examples

hope my rambling helps

Yes, thank you Nervous Nelly and tahirra for both of your inputs. I am currently on an excercize routine, but I think I should perform more than two days a week. Also, I am seeing a psychologist, though only once every two weeks. That data-log entry idea sounds very good, and I'll give it a try. However, I have to find a way to get rid of my obsessional thoughts of monotony and of endings, for both of them cause an increased feeling of boredom and hopelessness. Any recommendations? Thanks in advance!

Gaarden,

Your questions are so similar to mine. I too think about death constantly! I compare myself to others and I dwell on what may happen in the future. These are typical characteristics of obsessive worriers/thinkers. What is so important is that we do not get wrapped up in the question or thoughts. There are many techniques to diffuse the thought...the one that works for me when I remember to do it is to say "STOP..this thought is not productive and it's robbing me of happiness in this moment. I am choosing to not focus on that thought..it is in my best interest to ignore it and know that it is only a thought and it has no power over me" I do this when I'm thinking too much about death. I did detect in your post that you might be feeling a little depressed. You expressed that things were mundane and you said you weren't experiencing joy in things you used to like to do. That can be signs of depression so you might want to see a doctor regarding that. It could also be that your interests have changed. Maybe joining a volunteer group in your community that is involved in things you are passionate about. Maybe you'd like to visit the elderly and read them stories or play games with them. Maybe you'd like to take guitar lessons or join a literary group. Find something you can feel good about...something that brings you life. I'm sure you have many talents you can offer to the world. Find them and share with others...this will bring you an overwhelming sense of joy! Be kind to yourself...you are with you for the rest of your life...talk to yourself like you'd want a loving parent to do. Keep yourself involved in things you enjoy or used to enjoy..do not succumb to the negative feelings you are having..it is very important to have contact with people and be a part of something you believe in. You can overcome this..... As for the fear of things ending it might help you to journal about that. What is it about the book ending or the game ending that is bothering you? Is it a reminder that life ends at some point too? Remember, that things aren't always as they seems. A flower looks dead to us, but it continues on by dropping it's seeds from the bloom and the cycle continues...just as we do. Death and endings are hard for a lot of people (me too!) but the more you look at life and what we perceive as death you will see that death does not exist...the force of life that lives in us continues to recycle. I am very much trying to remember this... We are not our bodies or our minds ... we are the energy/spirit that is housed in them. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a good book out called "The Power of Intention." I believe our beleif system has a lot to do with our anxiety/depression. If a person hits their head and develops amnesia their whole personality changes. Once pessimestic, anxious...turned joyous, happy-go-lucky...why? because all their negative beliefs are removed from memory. Very interesting I think! Best wishes....I hope you can find peace and learn to enjoy each moment of life you are blessed with. Don't let anxious thoughts rob you of your joy (and I'll try and do the same!) ...happiness is our birthright.