Why does depression make me not want to live, and to experience life to it's fullest? I know how! I know what makes me laugh, what makes me smile and be happy. Or feel that I do. But I just hide. I just don't want to be seen. I work nights and I function well. People think I'm the most out going and productive person they know. But when I leave from work in the mornings I just run and hide. Why? Then I just set at home and beat myself up because I know the things that I'm capable of doing and i just set. Just getting by. Just existing. Is it because I know the answers? I'm not stupid, I'm intelligent, I've read the books, I've seen the doctors, I've taken the med's but I always end up back in this hole. I know it's hard for a person to read these few words and intelligently come up with some answer. There's 40 + years of life that you don't have a clie about. But still I look for the answers from someone. Some miracle answer that will set me free and life will be just the way it's supposed to be. What ever that is. But I know that's horse shit too. There is no miracle answers. So what is it that I serch for?What does it take to get me back into the light again?
I know you can't truly answer these questions, but I just wonder if any of you have had similar thoughts, experiences or if you feel like your wasting the best part of your personal experiences,(life) or talents. Or have you ever just felt like me at times? I would like to hear your stories. Maybe they will bring a little light to mine. Thank you for sharing your time with me.
jwh

jwh...depression is just what you described and yes I can relate. All I can say is that I have made leaps and bounds compared to this time last year. Let me ask you, are you working with this program? Depression is a vicious cycle one that we ourselves peddle. We can talk ourselves up just as fast as we can talk ourselves down. YOU and no one else holds the key that can unlock the world you want. You have to just keep in mind and tell yourself that you are worthy of happiness. You deserve it. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, hang in there and smile.

jwh,
i know exactly what your talking about and how you feel!!! been there and done that for many years, but anxiety/depression go hand in hand. First of all, if your depression is clinical, you can get meds to help you. This program is great also. Setting a goal everyday , no matter how small is important. I know you work nights, so you have to sleep in the day, but try to make an effort to go and do something OUT of your comfort zone when you can, also exercise is awesome for depression. Actually the exercise helped me tremendously. Take carenelly

A lot of people I know (including myself) have been inspired by a book called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Another one I like is called is "Self Matters" by Phil McGraw. The first is a spiritual perspective on God's plan for us, etc. and the second is about getting more meaning out of your life instead of merely existing. Together these two books helped me identify the things that were missing from my life and take action to become more fulfilled and start enjoying life again. They might inspire you as well.

~peace~

Jen

First I want to thank everyone for your replies. And Believe me you don't know how much it touches me to actually hear from people that know what I'm talking about when it comes to my feelings. I didn't realize that I had been suffering from depression for most of my life until just a few years back. But after doing a lot of reading and recalling a lot of my past and also doing a lot of talking with my family doctor that I've had some kind of depression since my mother died in Dec. of 86. And I also can see now that she suffered from it as well.
But in Dec. of 99 is when the really big depression came in. Starting with losing my dad earlier in the year, a back injury at work that left me almost restricted to bed for 3 months, my wife walking out while I was in the hospital at Christmas time and my baby brother having to take care of me, to a divorce that wasn't pretty having to sell my new home, a car wreck and then my brother was killed that Aug. 2 days after my birthday, all this in less than a year, and thats just hitting the high lights. And not counting all the legal troubles I was going through during this time. Needless to say my mind became nothing but a shit and jelly sandwich. Then all the med's came, the one's everybody said I was needing. Which did nothing but put me into a downward spiral that lead to me getting a DUI and losing my licence for a year that lead to even greater depression. So med's are a no for me since it took a year to wean myself off them. The withdraw's (DT's) sucked!! Don't want any part of that again.
I don't know if telling you all this is for any good reason. But it does feel kinda good to get it off my chest. But maybe you can see the reason or some of the depth's to my depression. And one though that I had and maybe this is something that maybe (or maybe not) you can relate to is I feel that I still have so much anger still inside for all that'ss happened. So here's the question; can anger and not being able to forgive (people, God, etc), or just the inter-hatred that I have toward some people and myself be the reasons for my continuing bouts of depression? And why can't I just let it go?
I know that you are asking, have I been through the program, yes! For the past two years it has been a part of my life. And believe me it has helped me get through a lot. But I still feel like I've missed something or maybe something's missed me.......LOL.
I'm sorry for such a long post and just rattling on but these are just a few things that's been on my heart for a long time and they just started flowing out.
Again I want to thank you for your time reading, and for your replies. You really don't know how much it touches me.
Bless you all,
jwh5532

"And one though that I had and maybe this is something that maybe (or maybe not) you can relate to is I feel that I still have so much anger still inside for all that'ss happened. So here's the question; can anger and not being able to forgive (people, God, etc), or just the inter-hatred that I have toward some people and myself be the reasons for my continuing bouts of depression? And why can't I just let it go?"
jwh5532 the answer to your question is absolutely. This anger definitely is negative. I am sorry for all you have been through I truely am...my thoughts and prayers are with you. Now for my harsh talk this anger your hanging onto...who is it hurting? If you said "ME" you are right!!! Believe me I know how hard it is just to let the anger go but it is that simple. When you learn that by holding onto this anger is only depressing you and keeping you from being happy...you will be more than willing to let it go. Just know you deserve to be happy...believe that jwh5532 you do. I wish you only the best and hope that you find that peace we all so desire. Take care my friend.

No wonder you are feeling down! That's a lot for a person to go through in such a short amount of time. I experienced a similar situation in my twenties, with a number of stressful events occurring simultaneously; and that's when my anxiety and depression really kicked in. Medications (Prozac and later Celexa) helped me get back on my feet so I could function again, and now I am learning cognitive behavioral therapy (the Attacking Anxiety program) in the hopes I can wean off the Celexa completely by next spring.

Considering all you have been through, your anger and inability to forgive is quite understandable; but I agree with the previous post... the only person you are hurting by hanging onto your anger and unforgiveness is yourself, and this can most definitely contribute to depression. Have you ever been through grief counseling? Talking to someone who is experienced in this area might help you release those negative feelings so you can move on.

Something from the program that has helped me tremendously is the chapter on unrealistic expectations. I think subconsiously I have always expected that life should be easy and I should always be as happy and carefree as I was when I was a child; but this is unrealistic. Life is stressful and bad things happen to everyone. What we must do is learn how to enjoy life despite the bad things, which means choosing how we think and react to them. That's where replacing negative thoughts with positive ones comes in, and this takes a lot of practice.

Another thing that has helped me is to view everything "in light of eternity." Our time here on earth is so very brief, and our struggles and losses are only temporary. Being a Christian, I am able to take comfort in the fact that one day there will be an end to all the suffering and I will be reunited with my loved ones who have passed before me, as well as the ones to come after. I struggled with my faith for years before finally just letting go of all my doubts and trusting in God, and what a relief it has been! There is a lot that still doesn't make sense to me, but I am learning to accept it. I don't need to have all the answers, I only need to have faith. And faith, I have come to realize, is a choice. It's being able to say, "God, I don't like what's going on and I don't understand it, but I trust in your goodness and love." I compare it to my six-year-old son who -- in his youthful ignorance -- doesn't always like or understand the rules I have set for him, but he needs to trust that I love him and always have his best interests at heart. Likewise, there is much that our human minds with their limited perspectives cannot understand, and we must trust in God's omniscience. I think this is more difficult for people with anxiety to do because it requires us to do the very thing that scares us the most... relinquish control. But, oh what freedom there is in doing so!

I hope you can find a way to release your negative feelings so that you may experience peace of mind and find renewed joy in life.

~ peace ~

Jen

First I just want to thank everyone again. The response's that I have recived have just touched me so much. I've never been one to let my emotions show let alone to spill them to the world like this. But I want to tell you that last night as I was driving to work I was thinking about all the great advice I'd recived and I just thought I'm not going to let these things get me down. And I had a super night. The people that work for me seen it and one even made a comment, that I look better for some reason. So from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you, optimiatic pessimist,jee, mello nello (nelly), your words "DO" make a difference. And "please don't stop". Maybe it was just one day, but it was one great day that I probably would not have had.
Bless you all,
James

James I am glad you had a wonderful evening!!! Remember the positive self talk, it does wonders and makes so much sense. We deserve happiness just as much as the next. When your depressed and fighting anxiety it is so easy to get caught up with negative thoughts that it can pull you into the "hole of hell". With all you have been through you are going to feel sadness and that is understandable but do not let that lead to your unhappiness. I hope this make sense...I just wanted to respond and say again you are not alone. Take care James keep in touch.

Yes your making total since. And that all to familiar "hole of hell" is a place I've found myself a lot. But I keep pushing on. And with the skills and the encouragement I (we) receive here on these forms I know great things are ahead. Again thank you, and just to let you know, I will be staying in touch.
James