I spent the first 24 years of my life living with a father who drank every night and said and did terrible, abusive things after that. Needless to say, I was SO glad to finally escape that hell and come to America, where I've made a life for myself over the past 7 years. I'm almost 31 now, and in the seven years since leaving home I have put myself through a Master's and PhD program, graduated without student loans or any other kind of debt, and have started life as a college professor shortly after turning 30. I think it is probably time now to let go of my old anger and resentment towards my dad and just flush it down the toilet, figuratively speaking, but WHY OH WHY am I finding it SO HARD to let go of all those awful memories??? I am still tormented by nightmares of the man, and deep inside me there is still this subconscious fear of someday failing and having to go back to India to face him again (although I know I will never let that happen, I will kill myself it my life ever came to that). Someobody on this forum once said "bearing resentment towards somebody else is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die" ... I completely agree, and I know I will be so much better off if I get this poisonous hatred of my dad out of my system. But why is it SO GOSH DARNED HARD to let go??? Oh God, I wish somebody has some insights to share in this regard...

You are totally entitled to your feelings. But you must realize that your feelings are holding you back!!! You must forgive yourself for being hurt.. you must forgive your father for hurting you and see that it ismaking you stronger... You ARE on your way. Just float through it and you will feel better soon.

Laura

Hi, Borealis. I agree with Laura. Forgiveness is the key. It's sometimes very hard to do, though. But, don't give up. Think of all the marvelous accomplishments you've made happen in your life. Keep thinking positive and know that you will get through this. It would probably be helpful in the process to quit being afraid of failure and of seeing your dad. That may be the key to letting go of the anger. My ex-husband abused me for 18 years before I threw him out and he divorced me. For a long time I was afraid of him. So, I had to get over the fear and forgive him and forgive myself for our failed marriage. Hang in there! I will pray for you to be able to let go of the anger. Take care.

I had the similar situation with my mom, she had a horrible temper and no patience with me. She hit and screamed when she was angry until I went completely numb, aside from this seething anger, and I took off for good. I had nightmares that she was coming after me well into my early 30's, thanks to paxil I don't have those anymore.

I like you achieved alot of great things on my own, the only thing I wish now is that I hadnt done them as an "F you, I'll show how stupid and useless I am".

I think the trouble with being so far away from your dad is that as you grow older and can't see that they are the ones who have a hard time getting along in life, you realize how little thier behaviour actually had to do with YOU.

Knowing that has helped me immesely and while I do still have this terrible fear of making mistakes and doing things wrong, that fact has really empowered me and made me feel very strong. I stick to that when Im having trouble with her, just remember that situation is not really your problem at all, its theirs!

FB

Anger with my father. Lord where do I begin? I can tell you that I can only remember one time he whaled into me and my brother but the one thing that he nailed in me was no matter what I accomplished it never would take away the fact that I was no darn good to anybody including my family. So I have this condition of feeling that I'm effective and broken and now that he's gone from this world I'll never get to hear him say that he was proud of me for being his son. But this is what the program is telling me that I should be able to do this for myself enstead of waiting to get it from the world in general. If it wasn't for my father's verbal assaults on my character I would of turned out alot differently than I am now. The experience with living in close proximity with him helped me to become the person I am today. Good or bad it just works out that way. Of course I'm still mad at him and mostly at myself but the more I peel away at that Onion the more I cry and heal all at the same time.

I'm a couple of hours away from picking up my very first Tasty Toons from the baker to take to the Jim Click's broadroom meeting, and I'm worried that I'll make a bad impression on myself with him. When I awoke this morning 11-8-07 the negativity started in on me. Although to feel home with it I welcomed it with open arms. I just wanted to feel my security blanket, and my neg attitude was my ticket. But as the day went on I showered and redressed into my fine duds and then I went to pick up my mom to have her hold the cake once we picked it up. Then I drove us over to JC's office and dropped it off. Oh, I also was told to bring along some of my Kachina masks which I did to show the board members as well as Jim Click. Anyhow I kept my calm about myself as all this was going on. It was great to not be freaking out at this time. Some hours later I'm sitting in the board room talking to one of its members and slowly the room starts to fill up and I'm still talking to people who are willing to talk to me on a one to one level. It was so neat. So then as the meeting commenced I was able to show everyone the cartoon I had done on Mr. Click's cake and they all had wonderful comments to on the good job I did on it. If you bother to read any of my old e-mails you'll discover that this was a major turning point in my day. To have this many people tell me this I was blown away and then they passed around my Kachina masks and was discussing where I could go around town to put them up for sale on consignment. When it was all over and I packed my things to go Mr. Click shook my hand and wished me well on my future endeavors. And I left them feeling Fantastic too. I plan to network with some of the folks I met at the meeting and we'll see where this can go. But I wanted to share this with you all enstead of the usual Gloom and Doom that I've told you about before. Thanx.
Bonus here's the cartoon I placed upon the cake. Let me know what you think of it, ok?

Hey Slim ~

After reading your post, I thought. Well all those years, I guess your Father was totally wrong about you. Look at all those years you bought into it too? Just like I did with my parents. Yes it is too bad your father can't be here today to see how great an artist you are. But you always were a great person, so even if he was alive, he still might not say it. We can't change that, but one thing you can change and that is your perception of yourself. You are changing all those negative thoughts into positive thoughts. It shows! Good for you! The things he told you about yourself were not true. There was a total change from your first post. You talked about your father talking negative to you all his life. Now the next post was about how people at the meeting were seeing you for the great artist you are. Even giving you suggetsions how to market your creations. Cool!

Do you see what Lucinda said about us "buying into our own thoughts". You are already changing those thoughts, just in your two posts.
I think it's great. You made quite an impression with those people and it shows, but the important thing is, what you think of yourself.. We have to believe it, and it sounds like you are beginning to believe more in yourself, and you no longer need your Dad's approval.

Jim, I had the same type of parents so I know what you probably experienced. I raised my daughter totally different, and encouraged her almost daily and told her how proud I was to be her mother. I was a single parent for many years with her. I divorced her father when she was 5, and it was not easy being a single parent. Her father was not around much. I had terrible days, but never tried to let her see that. To this day, she is a very successful Executive at a major well known Corporation. I don't hardly ever miss an opportunity to tell her how proud I am of her still, and she is 32!

My parents are still alive, while I love them both dearly. I am sure they were raised the same way and felt bad/Axious/Depression themselves. the difference is we change the pattern to "Stop" the negative thoughts and stop believing them. Sounds like you are a great Artist. Keep up the great work.
Browneyed.

Wow thanks Browneyed girl. I'm having to deal with a slight crisis right now concerning my ex. But I'm trying to not make her matter my own. It's hard to watch someone you've loved go down. But she's a woman now and I can't be there to bail her out everytime. It's called tough love but I still feel for her deeply. It just she's made so many mistakes concerning her money situations. Glad to hear that you and your daughter have a great relationship with each other and that you've been able to survive without a monkey on either one of your backs. Great to hear this. Say are you artistic as well and will I be able to see any thing you've done, girl? Well gotta go to my Toastmasters meeting but hope to talk to you again. Thanx from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Borealis,
I relate to your post very much. For years I blamed my parents for just about everything that has gone wrong in my life. I am now on session 6 of the program and I am finally realizing that the worst offense is that my father taught me how to think, behave and respond negatively. I can't change the past nor can I change my father, but what I can do is change how I feel about it and react to it. I don't know what part of the program you are on, but I am finding that slowly, I'm breaking this habit of negativity and I am beginning to actually feel better! I tap in to the feeling of beging relaxed and think positive thoughts when I am about to get stressed and it helps tremendously. I have hopes for you that eventually you will get to a postive place, too. Take care!

Hi Clearsky. Actually I just studied week 6 and ready to move on to 7. But I find the farther I move away from week 1 the more I forget what these earily sessions were all about. So I flash card myself on them. And it seems to help somewhat. There's so much to learn and do that I differently feel overwhelemed by it all. Some days I can come up with one neg thought to put in my book yet I'm sooo bombarded by them whenever I'm too busy doing something else and can't find time to write them down. I think my old thinking has alot to do with this. Still one of these days I'm going to give them their walking papers and tell them to hit the road 'cause I really don't need a security blanket anymore.

This time out I'm going to say that I've been studying the flash card on the program and feel that they are indeed helping me get a handle of my negative thinking and my depressive state. I've recently begun to advertise my Tasty Toons at the various Clinics here in town since I've been giving them so much of my business I feel they should be receptive to my needs and business as well. So today I'm going to drop off some fliers on TT and see if anything becomes of it. Cool,Huh?

I too, understood the anger issues. I grew up with a lot of abuse, and until now I never knew how to deal with the guilt and shame. I had to do a lot of soul searching to see that I cannot change what happened in the past, but I have control over tommorrow. I choose to make good choices now. I had to learn the hard way that I had to make my own choices. I had to learn to take responsibility for the choices that I did make: while learning to trust others and cautiously forgive and let go. Only God can help, I think that is why I have found so many wonderful people to share with.

It all seems like a dream anymore of being emotionally attacked by my dad and family. I mean everyone tells me to let lying dogs lie and yet the way I was treated still haunts me to this day. I can be in a room where someone is really mad 'cause I feel I'm somehow responsable for their anger so I literally check out of my body and go numb until the episode is over. In fact I was so nervous at Toastmasters the last time I gave a speech that I feel I checked out and literally left my body. But everyone voted my best speaker that day so I must've said something right at that time. It seems I worry I'll screw things up for myself that I do. Consiously or not I worry myself sick and then kick myself in the mental ass for doing this to me. Stupid I know but most of the time I don't know I'm doing this. So now I'm trying to get my business off the ground and I really don't want it to succeed 'cause I'm afraid I'll wind up dropping the ball like I did in high school when I was running once for a touchdown and there was nobody around to stop me. But something I think told me not to do it so I fumbled the ball. And all I well in Bummerland I tell myself. I keep proving time and time again that I'm not meant to win according to the messages that playing in my head.

I am sorry for your pain. I do know how it feels to be treated that way. I was abused until I was a teen. One of the ways that I got relief was to confront the family members who abused me. I even asked why. No answer on that one, but the satisfaction of letting them know they hurt me really bad. I also did some background work to find out how their family treated them. I was astonished to find a history of abuse. One person's choice affects the whole family. please find anger out-lets and even time outs to think and deal with your anger. I now take teakwondo to relieve stress, while writing about my anger to find why I am angry. I have learn it is ok to calmly relay angry feelings and walk away if I am too angry. We teach our children with what we do not what we say do. If your anger is out of control, it may be best to receive some conseling. It does not mean you are crazy, it means they can give you better suggestions on anger management.

I know what anger means, i really think I hate my father for his mental and sexual abuse, but it helped me a lot to get down my own anger reactions telling him, verbally in front of a psychologist after many years and in letters......He didn't admit it...so, it was like he was dead and me just writing a letter to burn it later but I know I was looking for help myself and I don't need his approval to get better! Appreciate the good times you had with him and take the choice to let go. Every day. Eventually we will let go!!...Hugs