I was wondering how many of us suffering from panic attacks have a problem expressing, or even recognizing, anger. Other members of my family were able to express anger but I was the quiet, "even tempered" one. As I've gone through the program and worked with therapists, the issue of anger keeps coming up. I even remember telling one therapist that I didn't really get angry -- I got "frustrated" and "irritated" but not angry. When immediately asked to tell her the difference, I began to understand that I didn't deal with anger very well.

Although I am sooooooo much better now than I was two years ago, I still have a couple of problem areas and have enlisted the aid of a psychologist to help me get past the final hurdles. When discussing a problem I had regarding going out to dinner with co-workers, (the story is too long to relate here), I was asked why I "chose" to panic instead of being angry. At first the question really threw me. I didn't choose panic over anger! But the more I think about it, the more I remember being irritated ( ) that my co-workers all decided to ride in the car with me to the restaurant and that they decided to order dessert when I was feeling anxious and really was looking forward to dinner being over.

The "choosing" panic over anger comment sounded silly to me at first but the more I think about it, the more I think it has some merit. My first big panic attack came in a college classroom and I was sitting in an English class that I didn't want to take but was told that I needed. Misplaced anger? I don't know. Maybe. Has anyone else made a connection between panic attacks and inability to express anger?

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

Hi there Mountaingirl! What a beautiful quote at the end of your post. Good to see your name up there...i think it's been a while. I haven't posted anything myself in many weeks. I wonder if i should be writing now, as i'm half asleep! Just woke up. Yes, what you are looking at makes sense to me. And OF COURSE we didn't CHOOSE panic, we only 'choose' when we are conscious of what's going on inside of us, right? No awareness --- no choice. I just thought about the very first panic attack i ever had (SOOOO many years ago) and i asked myself "was i angry?" I have to say that basically, i was truly terrified of the situation i was in (too long a story for here) AND i was angry at finding myself in such a situation, and angry at some of the people around me because of the way they reacted. (i know how vague i'm being). I certainly have discovered how i can become disheartened or 'down' or just 'give up' INSTEAD of being angry! (you know, how we can turn anger inward instead of getting it OUT of ourselves, and becoming depressed instead)....as for panicking instead of expressing anger....i can see how this too is true. Anger is an emotion that keeps us ALIVE! It keeps us vital, instead of disappearing into fear or depression. I've just now thought of many examples of my feeling fear, rather than anger. I always try to look at the 'bottom line', the underlying theme and i think what it is.....is always Fear! In this case, fear of our own anger....how it will impact on another person or people...fear that we'll be left alone or disliked....i believe this goes back to the very beginning. It's so ingrained in us. Sometimes i'm so angry at MYSELF, for feeling UNABLE to express what i need to, in order to be true to myself. Anger, frustration, irritation....all symptoms of NOT following my own, very healthy INTUITION. I can easily see how this could cause fear and panic....it's very scary to not be able to depend on MYSELF to come through for me!! I'm all alone!! Nobody to help me...a re-enactment of my childhood. I feel POWERLESS when i'm not taking 'care' of myself....i've written so much around this topic on this Forum...how this originates,etc. How we learn to believe certain things about ourselves (a la Helmstetter) and then act out of those beliefs. And if i believe i'm threatened when i feel and express my anger (and whatever else) then i disallow myself....i treat myself EXACTLY as i was treated when i was little, becoming a pretty 'dysfuntional' parent (caretaker) for my own self. Well, that's scary....when i (the adult) won't take care of me (the child). Mountaingirl, i feel that i'm being inarticulate right now....i probably AM too sleepy to be writing this! It sounds to me like you are surely on the right path. I am also thinking about returning to therapy for a while. What i DO know is that however we are doing with this recovery process, however we are feeling.....the one thing we HAVE to keep remembering is to LOVE ourselves, be very patient, kind, respectful....and practice giving ourselves everything that we didn't get at the very start of our lives! I learned to almost 'hate' myself very early on, and i have been practicing loving (unconditionally) every part of me that was wounded in this way. LOVE (at the risk of sounding corny) is the MOST healing power! I just now recalled a Buddhist saying: Hatred is never ceased by hatred, but by Love alone is healed. How is this even relevent to your posting...i'm not sure, but it probably applies somewhere!! I'm going to stop now, please forgive me if i've wandered all over the place....going to wake up now! Have a fabulous day....God bless, Lindi

Hi Lindi! Thanks for responding to my post (and no -- I didn't think you were incoherent!) My therapist's comments really had me spinning for a while. It makes more sense to me now, though. I don't think I ever learned how to deal with anger and really didn't know how to be assertive until the last couple of years. Other members of my family knew how to express anger but I never felt comfortable with it. Even when I did start expressing my anger, it felt funny. It didn't feel like "me." It felt like I was out of control. And you know how we panic attack sufferers like control!!!!

I'm going to get the hang of this yet! I am determined to be panic free!

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

Hi mountaingirl and Lindi,

gosh, can I join your club. ! I just posted something similar under "what to do?"
Reading what you have written has made me feel understand since I can relate. Thank you.
I'm so embarrased about anger. I know since I never knew how to deal with it, that it has caused me so much hurt and incredible depression. Thank goodness to be able to change.
I've never been angery, why should I have a problem with anger. That's an terrible attempt at a joke. haha. . Now, I'm getting giddy and need to sleep.
Wishing you self love and peace,
Kris

HI Kris! Sure, you can join our club. I'll be sending out membership cards by the end of the week!

This anger thing has caused many hours of reflection and the idea that I would "choose" panic over anger just blew me away. It does make some sense though. I know how to deal with the panic since I've been battling panic attacks since 1986. The anger thing is more difficult though because I have always been the calm, sensible, rational person in my family and in most of my relationships. I'm realizing that the lack of anger "facade" does not mean that I handle anger well. Dealing with anger constructively is the key. Gee -- more practice opportunities!

Good luck to you Kris. Have a great day!

Mountaingirl

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

Hey, I will take one of those club memberships .. Mountaingirl, I can truely relate to this.. I have been going threw the samething with my therapist. He tells me thatI have so much repressed anger and that I turn it into panic and anxiety. At first I didn't get it(still trying to actually) but it does make alot of sense. I like you am the calm one, I was always told your my good child. I guess I must have been told this so often that I taken that emotion and repressed it. But emotions do need to come out and ours is coming out in anxiety and panic because like everyone in our new club we do not know how to deal with anger. For me I think If I feel it It will scare me and I may feel as though I am a bad person??? I don't know!! I don't know how to let myself feel it.. I think we are on to something here. Hope this helped. What a funny thought that getting angry might actually help free us Love and peace Rebe

Hi,

wow, thinking about it. Each time, I feel too much anxiety, panic, hurt, it starts with anger. Anger at myself for being emotional, anger at something being unfair.
Even writing about anger, I'm getting a head ache. Thank you all. I'm going to keep researching this connection.
Kris

No problem, Rebe -- I'll make sure to put your name on the membership list! Your post really hit home with me. I was the good daughter, teacher's pet, etc. My poor sister had to endure comments such as "why can't you be like your sister?" Although it was unfair to her, it also took a toll on me. When you are "perfect", you have no place to go but down! Showing anger was not good. Besides, there were enough people in my family who wore their feelings on their sleeves and could fly off of the handle. Someone had to be the calm rational one.

Kris, I hope your headache has gone away.

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Mountaingirl
come forth into the light of things ~ let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

Good morning mountaingirl,

My headache has gone away, and what I was soooo angry about was a complete over-reaction. 48 hours later, listening to the same person, and not taking anything personally in that time, I realised that there was no ill intent towards me, only they were odd at coping, and had an issue. I now understand. I still don't like it, but it wasn't about me, and it feels great that it's not my business.
It's amazing that I took it personally, so badly. Now, my theory is to find ways of thinking and coping with angry for 48 hours to understand myself, instead of imediately self bashing myself. It's no way to live.
I can't control angery feelings, but do know now that I overreact, since I don't know skills to cope with the feeling.
I was a good girl too. Let's be bad (in a good way). !
Kris