I am so having a great day today but since I am having some hard thigs going on right now I need all of you to help me out with advice. I think that I am pregnant and I am very happy because we have been taking about starting a family after we get married. I guess that would just push things along but I am confused. My soon to be husband has been acting very funny and saying mean things a lot lately and I have no idea why. I was hanging out at one of our friends house and he got made and said oh don't be so stupid or something to that affect about something that I said and I felt stupid of course but I know how he is and in afew minutes he would be appologizing about it so I walked away like usual. My friend Lori stepped in and chewed his but about it and I didn't know what to think about everything that I was hearing in the other room. He ended up leaving to go pick something up from the store. When he came back I just left and didn't say good bye because I was couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. It was better for me to just let one person know and leave. Well I told Lori to say something after I left. Well she apparently left and never told anyone either cause she was mad that he would say those things about me. She says that I need to stop doing things for him and just do for myself. Well I am lost now and you all probly are too. I just hope that I am pregnant so I can start a familly but I am confused. Lori says that the type of person he is and the way that I am we are made for eachother, and that he loves me but he's never had anyone as nice as me. All his other girlfriends were mean to him and didn't treat him right so he is on gaurd big time...so what do I do. If I am pregnant that changes everything. I just need to know what you guys think I should do.

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Totally Caring,

I think you need to re-listen to the tape on being assertive. And I think when he treats you this way and says mean things you need to say, very calmly, that you do not like to be treated that way and that you deserve better. You HAVE to stick up for yourself. No one else will. And you don't want him treating you like this for the rest of your life.

Also, be your own safe person. Just because he says something (like you're stupid) does not have to be your reality. If he said "You're green," it would not be true. Maybe he feels insecure himself. It doesn't make his nastiness ok, but it could be a reason he doesn't even realize.

Helen

quote:

Originally posted by Helen:
Totally Caring,

I think you need to re-listen to the tape on being assertive. And I think when he treats you this way and says mean things you need to say, very calmly, that you do not like to be treated that way and that you deserve better. You HAVE to stick up for yourself. No one else will. And you don't want him treating you like this for the rest of your life.

Also, be your own safe person. Just because he says something (like you're stupid) does not have to be your reality. If he said "You're green," it would not be true. Maybe he feels insecure himself. It doesn't make his nastiness ok, but it could be a reason he doesn't even realize.

Helen

I thank you for your reply because I guess if I would have taken the time and realized really what was up I could have come to that conclusion. I love this forum because of the fact that if I have a problem and I need help you guy's are here for me. It is easier for me to say what I think others should do with their problems rather than what I should do with my own.

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Sometimes it is easier to help someone else with their problems because you are more objective about their problems so it's easier to see a solution.

Take care!
Helen

Perhaps you will not want to hear the following but I feel that I must say it anyway. I can't pass your post by without commenting... so here it goes.

From my own experience I've learned that people don't usually change their behavior after marriage. Nor may it change with the addition of a child. Although this could happen...

I think that you should also be on guard.
The messages he is now sending you could very well indicate possible 'signs' of things to come.

I know that you have probably invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship. However, this should not be a reason as to why you choose to stay.
When I decided to have my child, I did so under the assumption that I would end up alone (without a partner) at some point in time. Again, being pregnant should not be a reason to stay in a relationship.

Bottom line, you have a lot to think about and ultimately it's your decision to make. I'm only suggesting that you do not ignore your 'gut' instincts. Listen to your intuitive feelings and proceed accordingly.

Thanks for reading.

P.S.
... another thought.
If you are pregnant, your hormones may be acting overtime, increasing your sensitivity levels....

[This message has been edited by cutufa (edited 04-12-2001).]

quote:

Originally posted by cutufa:
Perhaps you will not want to hear the following but I feel that I must say it anyway. I can't pass your post by without commenting... so here it goes.

From my own experience I've learned that people don't usually change their behavior after marriage. Nor may it change with the addition of a child. Although this could happen...

I think that you should also be on guard.
The messages he is now sending you could very well indicate possible 'signs' of things to come.

I know that you have probably invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship. However, this should not be a reason as to why you choose to stay.
When I decided to have my child, I did so under the assumption that I would end up alone (without a partner) at some point in time. Again, being pregnant should not be a reason to stay in a relationship.

Bottom line, you have a lot to think about and ultimately it's your decision to make. I'm only suggesting that you do not ignore your 'gut' instincts. Listen to your intuitive feelings and proceed accordingly.

Thanks for reading.

P.S.
... another thought.
If you are pregnant, your hormones may be acting overtime, increasing your sensitivity levels....

[This message has been edited by cutufa (edited 04-12-2001).]

Thank you for your help...I am so upset though. Not at what you said but for a while now I have been thinking that I am the one who keeps getting hurt because of my anxiety. Whenever he says anything I just try to analyze every little thing that he says because I am so afraid of him just up and leaving me or even worse cheating on me. I know that that is because of the insecurities that I have but the hard thing is that he is insecure to and I can see it. I want to work out our problems but there is so much that I want for us that I don't know where to start. What my problem is is that I can't be happy because of all the things that I went through as a child and I feel it affecting my realationship with him. I want to cry so bad but I am at work right now. I just can't wait to get on with this anxiety because it is really affecting my every step. I obviously need to talk to someone. Thankyou for everything...you guys really make me feel better. Sorry for going on and on.

Because of what you just stated in regards to your insecurities and anxiety, you should really take it slow.

Perhaps concentrating on yourself right now might be a better idea, as oppose to getting married and having children. We all have various issues we need to work on.

In regards to your worries about him cheating... it tells me that you do not completly trust him. You need to have a relationship based on trust and understanding (I would think) for a healthy marriage. Of course this is easier said than done. What I know for sure is that it takes a great deal of committment and effort on all involved for it to work.

Please don't jump into anything, and above all do not make any rush decisions.

Cycle of Abuse:

Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!
Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.
Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!


"Courage lies in not only doing what is best, but what is necessary."


This man is letting you know who he really is. You said that he is this way because all his previous girlfriend's were mean. Did he tell you that? Why does HE pick girls who are mean to him? Why did he suddenly pick a nice girl after picking such mean ones before?

Have you ever asked the ex-girlfriend's their side of the story of their relationship? What makes (ALL of) them so mean? Him, perhaps? Has anyone ever accused him of hitting them?

When two people are dating, both are usually on their best behavior; after the birth of a child or marriage people are not on such good behavior. And you don't seem to like his behavior. Think about how he acts now without the additional stress of a child. He doesn't sound nice. Add a child who cries when he's trying to sleep- - -one can only imagine what he might do. You say that he's impulsive with his words and says mean things to you and then usually comes back and apologizes. Imagine what he would do to an innocent screaming little baby that was keeping him from sleeping, partying, sex, etc. If he hurt the baby with his words or his fist, he can't come back an hour later and make it all better.

Since I know you are online, there are many sites on domestic violence, spousal abuse, etc. I use www.netscape.com for all of my searches.


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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 04-22-2001).]

You never did tell us- - -Are you pregnant?

quote:

Originally posted by EastCobbGABetsyH:
You never did tell us- - -Are you pregnant?

Saturday I finally went to the doctor for the baby and because they thought that I might have something called Indometreosis, I am not even sure how to spell it. I now know that I am not pregnant...kind of an ok thing because of college and work. I guess I really made him sound worse than he is and as I read back parts of what I wrote I now know that I will not write when I am that upset because I really made him look like a monster. He and his ex slept together once and she got pregnant and of course I know first hand that she is just a psycho witch. I could tell you all some stories and I am not even kidding at how crappy she has been and has tried coming after me. I really love him and I know abuse and I know the patterns of abuse...my parents are in and out of love abusive to eachother still to this day and I've been through that since I was a baby. I posted something when I first few times I started this forum but my brother tried to kill me and I have a lot of excess secrets that I have had for a while. I guess I can't take back the way I said things and I can't show you all how wonderfull my life is without the anxiety and all my worry's. I know that I have a lot of work for myself and in fact we are going to relationship counseling and things are going great...I always tell him that we found eachother so that I could show him what true love is. Well I apologize for any confusion as far as looking out for me because anyone might have thought by reading that post that I was in a bad situation. I appreciate all of the help and advice. I hope this kind of clears things up for you I feel bad now because I'm wondering if I talk like that about him to all of my close friends...Now that I am aware of it hopefully I can prevent that.

Sorry and
Thanks again guys

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I'm glad that you are not pregnant, and that things are going so well for you.

We often say things that we don't mean when we are angry. However, when I say things, I know that there is a little bit of truth to them more often times than not. Does the program say anything about this?

quote:

Originally posted by cutufa:
I'm glad that you are not pregnant, and that things are going so well for you.

We often say things that we don't mean when we are angry. However, when I say things, I know that there is a little bit of truth to them more often times than not. Does the program say anything about this?

I am not sure exactly what you mean. I realize that I have many things to think about and I am taking the steps needed to handle what I am struggling with. I guess I want everyone to know that I am trying and I am good for my boyfriend because for the first time he is making changes in his life and realizing that he is important.
I know that for the first time he realizes that love is a lot more precious than he thought before. I know that he has been through a lot in his life and I just want to say that I am proud of the changes he is making for me, himself, and our kids...(my step kids). I have been completely truthfull with ever posting. I just want to make sure that my point gets taken the way I need it to be. It helps me to write to people but I was not exactly blessed with words so the things that I write can be taken many different ways that is why I have replied to each of the times someone has written back..

Anyway...If someone is curious about any of this you are more than welcome to e-mail me.

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