Hi Everyone,

Okay, heres my problem, I get angry about things I can't control, A LOT of things.

First of all, my boyfriend is such an airhead. He CONSTANTLY forgets everything. I get up in the morning, which is the worst part of the day for me, and he has left coffee all over the counter, or he forgot once again to take out the garbage, or feed the cats. Which are the only two chores he has to do around here. He left a bunch of crap on the side of the house,(tires, coolers from his hunting trip last November, about 20 break drums from his work ect..) and as a result of this the city ticketed us and we had to have my car towed because I couldn't afford to put tabs on it. I know he doesn't do this stuff on purpose, he is a nice guy. He feels bad when I bring this stuff to his attention, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to have to remind him of things over and over again. Of course I HAVE TO remind him, or I end up doing what he's supposed to do myself.

Also, when I'm driving, I get SOOOO iritated when people in front of me drive too slow. There are alot of eldely folks in my nieghborhood, so this happens to me alot. But once again, I have no control over this. I can't tell you how many times I have called very sweet people "freaks" and "idiots" (not so they could hear me of course) because they wern't driving up to my standards. You'd think I owned the roads.

I also get irritated if someone parks a little to far out in the street (like Iv'e never done that before) or if the layout of a parking lot is bad, or if my cats start meowing first thing in the morning, or if the phone rings and I don't want to be botherd at that particular time, ect...,ect...,ect...

Basically, I'm a bonified CRAB ASS.

This totally adds to my level of anxiety. I get headaches, anxiety attacks, and just an overwhelming feeling of frustration as a result. I'm not on lesson 6 yet, so I don't know what the program says to do about this, and I don't want to skip ahead. But I need HELP!

ANY advice would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!
Mellie

(or should I sign with Mellie , because apparently, I'm not so cool after all)

[This message has been edited by mellie (edited 05-22-2001).]

Mellie: I am not a grumpy or crabby person, but when anxiety is creeping in on me, that is the first thing I notice about myself. I want to rip people's heads off! A continual challenge for me is my 11-yr old daughter, Kayla. I love her desperately but she has ADD with all the behaviors. She can't help it, I know. But she cannot close a drawer, wipe a counter or anything without constant reminders. She can't remember 2 things in a row if you tell her them both at the same time. I have to constantly remind myself that she can't help herself anymore than I can help being susceptible to anxiety, but I know that feeling of anger that churns up inside of you, frustration and anger that leave you feeling just plain worn down. Some people like my husband can just see right past these situations without any arousal at all. I envy him. I want to learn to be like him. Isn't control an issue? We want everything to be right, and we expect everyone else to fall into line and get with the program. That usually doesn't happen, so we experience anxiety due to our own inability to LET GO. Get Oprah's new June issue. I mentioned it in another posting. It is an issue all about Letting GO. Also a great article on depression and anxiety, meds, etc. called Breaking the Fall. We both need to learn to let go, breathe, exhale and reframe the situation in our minds. Get the magazine, pour yourself something refreshing to drink, put your feet up and enjoy.
ajmoon

quote:

Originally posted by mellie:
Hi Everyone,

Okay, heres my problem, I get angry about things I can't control, A LOT of things.

First of all, my boyfriend is such an airhead. He CONSTANTLY forgets everything. I get up in the morning, which is the worst part of the day for me, and he has left coffee all over the counter, or he forgot once again to take out the garbage, or feed the cats. Which are the only two chores he has to do around here. He left a bunch of crap on the side of the house,(tires, coolers from his hunting trip last November, about 20 break drums from his work ect..) and as a result of this the city ticketed us and we had to have my car towed because I couldn't afford to put tabs on it. I know he doesn't do this stuff on purpose, he is a nice guy. He feels bad when I bring this stuff to his attention, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to have to remind him of things over and over again. Of course I HAVE TO remind him, or I end up doing what he's supposed to do myself.

Also, when I'm driving, I get SOOOO iritated when people in front of me drive too slow. There are alot of eldely folks in my nieghborhood, so this happens to me alot. But once again, I have no control over this. I can't tell you how many times I have called very sweet people "freaks" and "idiots" (not so they could hear me of course) because they wern't driving up to my standards. You'd think I owned the roads.

I also get irritated if someone parks a little to far out in the street (like Iv'e never done that before) or if the layout of a parking lot is bad, or if my cats start meowing first thing in the morning, or if the phone rings and I don't want to be botherd at that particular time, ect...,ect...,ect...

Basically, I'm a bonified CRAB ASS.

This totally adds to my level of anxiety. I get headaches, anxiety attacks, and just an overwhelming feeling of frustration as a result. I'm not on lesson 6 yet, so I don't know what the program says to do about this, and I don't want to skip ahead. But I need HELP!

ANY advice would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!
Mellie

(or should I sign with Mellie , because apparently, I'm not so cool after all)

[This message has been edited by mellie (edited 05-22-2001).]

Hi CRAB ASS-- I mean Mellie,
I do the exact same thing. I can get so angry about nothing. Just the other day I got behind some blue hairs in the left lane and could not pass them. It made me so mad. I get upset with left laners anyway. Now I don't know about where you live, but down here I do own the road and if people can't drive in the proper lane at the proper speed thay should just get the heck out of my way! Ok, I said that to make a point. One thing I have been doing is trying to catch myself before the anger grows. Like the blue hairs in the left lane. I ask myself is it worth getting so upset about? What impact on my life will following these people a few minutes before I can get around them have on the rest of my life? Why can't they be as good a driver as me? The answer to these questions, except for the last on of course, usually has a calming effect if you answer the questions honestly. The hard part is stopping the anger or cabbiness as soon as it starts. You have to be on constant alert for those feeling as they have a way of sneaking up on you. But, if you catch these feeling early enough, you can divert them and at least try to calm down before something small grows into something much more unmanageable.

I too make a mess around the house. I have been out of work since I came back from the hospital about 3 weeks ago and my wife does not understand how I can make a mess and just leave it. Believe me it is not intentional. I don't think your boyfriend intentionally does things to upset you, and if you calmly tell him you need his help around there I bet he will understand. I don't get offended when my wife points out things I do that upset her. I would rather her do that than steam about it and let it grow into something bigger.

You know what? I think crankiness and anger are part of this whole thing we are going through. Maybe look at it as another thing you are working so hard to change. Look at yourself not as a CRAB ASS, but as a person working on making positive changes in your life and that this along with the anxiety and depression will be defeated.

I believe in you. Now you have to do the same thing, believe in yourself.


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A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others...Oz to the Tin Man, 1939
Wishing you peace,
Charmsdad

Oh, forgot to ask-How do you like the new signature line? It is my favorite quote from my favorite movie.

------------------
A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others...Oz to the Tin Man, 1939
Wishing you peace,
Charmsdad

THANKS YOU GUYS

Bonified crab ass here.

Ajmoon

My boyfriend also has ADD, He was in special classes all through out school. I know this about him, and like I said he IS a really nice guy, I know he doesn't forget things on purpose. He just doesn't have an attention span. He is REALLY CUTE though . Unfortunatly, it doesn't make it any less frustrating. Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. I will take your advice and try to be more understanding. Lord knows he puts up with enough from me as well. This anxiety stuff isn't easy for him either.

Charmsdad

Once again, I can totally relate. I own the road here too. By the way, I live in Minnesota, the Twin cities to be excact.

I realize my boyfriend doesn't do this stuff on purpose, but it's not just normal, I left my dishes on the living room table stuff. It has to be seen to be belived. Anyway, I will definitly take what you said into consideration. You are so right, it does creep up on you, and you can make an effort to change your attitude if you catch it quickly enough.

LOVE the new signature by the way. You're right, that is a great saying (I love that movie).

Thanks again guys, Mellie



[This message has been edited by mellie (edited 05-22-2001).]

Dear 'Mad Mellie-Crabass'! Never heard that expression before: crabass....made me laugh aloud. I identify with what you're describing 100%...at those times, i refer to myself as a certifiable Lunatic!! I have been carrying SOOO much anger within me, my entire life and it can come out all over the place! (I've 'tempered' it alot recently) Allow me to give you some 'hints' for Lesson 6. I got myself into a 4-day depression with that one and discovered why that happened. (i think i have a posting on this lesson about that) So, in the hope to save you needless self-recrimination.... just attempt to change a little bit at a time! The essence of how to work with all this irritation, anger,etc. is about 'resolving it OR dissolving it'. Alot of my automatic 'reactions' are worth 'dissolving' and CAN be dissolved on the spot....with practice....using the steps for panic. However, i know, instinctively, that much of my feelings of extreme irritation are because i am unhappy with the way 'certain things' are in my life....my relationship for one. Also, there is probably alot of really 'old' anger from SOOO long ago, which operates outside of my conscious awareness....and THAT has alot to do with this thing i would call 'powerless rage'. You talked about becoming angry at what you cannot control...it's a powerlessness. I can certainly relate to that. So, since alot of these feelings have been 'in place' since very early on in our lives, it's SO important to understand that we are not going to be able to change this overnight or even in a few weeks. In understanding this, i was able to lift myself out of that 4-day depressed state i found myself in. I had been trying TOO hard and coming face-to-face with so many areas in my life, where i was unable to use these tools (in lesson 6) with success. After realizing how deeply embedded my reactions were, i was able to treat myself with alot more compassion and PATIENCE and love. I took all the pressure off myself. When i find i'm reacting in the 'same old way', i have developed a much 'lighter' attitude toward myself......"okay, so there it is again...no big deal" I tell myself "it'll take time to change this, so just relax, you're doing just fine". So, what i am saying is that in the area of dealing with anger, i have found it is mandatory that i treat myself very respectfully and drastically lower my expectations of myself....regarding 'instant change'! "Over-reacting" always indicates that this is the way we dealt with things when we were children. It no longer makes sense...it's no longer necessary, and yet it is still in operation, BIG TIME. So, sometimes this cannot just be 'dissolved' and needs time and our attention, to be worked through. I honestly have no idea how anyone simply works through each lesson for just One Week and completes the program in 16 weeks, and then states that they've finished it!! I see this as a lifetime endeavour, so what i'm saying is TAKE YOUR TIME, especially with the anger. One more thing...as i referred to at the beginning.....i DO see that much of my present-day irritation is happening when i am doing something i really DON'T want to do....being with someone who is wrong for me.... whatever it may be, if i am not following my better instincts about something, and i am compromising myself and not being True to myself.....oboy....anger sure comes through. Okay Mellie....one day you'll be posting: Mellow Mellie!!! And instead of Lunatic Linda.....i'll be Laid-back Linda...ha! See ya later.

Dear Lindi

Or should I say Lunatic. That whole sentance really made me laugh.

Where do I begin to respond to your post. I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about getting angry because your not happy on your own life. I'm not talking about the anxiety here, I'm talking about my relationship. Not to get to personal but, Iv'e had my share of "disfunctional" patners and Rick (my now boyfriend) is the first guy Iv'e ever been with that actually treats me with respect. However, I really don't belive we are right for eachother. He's kind of like living with a rock that goes to work. No real conversation, he hardly laughs at any thing and he's not excactly a "passion jockey" if you get my drift. I have told other people this and they say things like "you're just not used to being treated well", or "you must prefer it when a guy is mean to you" or the famous "you must not want to have a guy that respects you". I just want to say to these people " yeah, okay, you're right, I suppose the fact that we have nothing in common has absolutly nothing to do with it". Apparently, I can't find a guy that not only I can have fun with, but is also going to treat me with respect. That is at least according to my wonderful family. They are just a few more reasons why I'm pissed of all the time. Anyway, I TOTALLY AGREE. Thanks so much for the insight, feel free to post me anytime.

Your Crab ass buddy, Mellie

Hi CrabbyAss!! It's Linda, the part-time Lunatic. Thank God for humour, huh?? I've been crying my eyes out all day long and when i read your recent reply to me, i laughed so hard through the tears. "like living with a rock that goes to work"...love your sense of humour, but i know that IT'S NOT FUNNY!! I am in the same situation as you described! Why is it that some of us will NOT listen to our instincts....you said you know this relationship is 'not right' for you. It doesn't matter about your friend's opinions....the thing is, you KNOW in your heart when something isn't right for you. You have nothing in common! (this is too familiar to me) If you listen to Helmstetter (i've been listening to a tape of his called "choices") he talks about the difference between Conscious choices and making decisons where you really HAVEN'T 'chosen' (with all your marbles in tact!) but rather something from deep within you just 'takes over' and leads you in a wrong direction. Well, i could write a book (easily) on this topic...i understand it SO WELL! I KNOW that my old habits and my NEEDS 'drive' me to do things or get involved with someone, when i KNOW i should not! It could be the need to feel SPECIAL, or be needed, or God knows what else...it's like 'selling your soul' for some form of emotional security. And it doesn't work!! I have no doubt you've asked yourself WHY you're with this person if you can sense he's wrong for you. And i can guess what you might come up with. The thing is, i believe that when we finally care so much about ourselves, when we REALLY feel our own sense of self-worth,etc.. we become ready to let go! I know that for me....being in a relationship that's wrong for me, prevents me from moving ahead at the rate i could! And it uses up SO MUCH ENERGY which i ought to be spending on my growth. It provides enormous distraction and alot of pain. It's the old way. I'm not saying this as articulately as i could....i'm kinda distracted with other thoughts today...have been SO SAD and it's not really about one thing. Alot of very upsetting news these last few days...a friend's husband died (fault of a doctor's neglect...really horrible story) and someone else took their life and now a very close friend had a severe heart attack yesterday.....so i'm just feeling how very vulnerable we all are and today it feels like a lifetime of sadness has taken me over. I'm not upset about this and i know it will pass. It's one of those days when i haven't been able to force myself to attend to ANYTHING. So i was writing on Andrew's post....he's going through deep depression due to his dad's death....and then i came to this post and you had me laughing so hard!!! All these feelings!! Much better than feeling nothing at all, right? Okay Monster Mellie, i'll let you go now. Love Rage Queen!! When i used to get really angry, my friend used to say (he's a British man)..."Oh, are we getting stampy-footy now?") Okay,enough...toodles

I don't have any good advice for this issue 'cuz I have the world's shortest temper. I can go from 0-ballistic in nanoseconds. I am constantly amazed, however, at how much better I feel just from cruising the boards, hearing about all the same struggles I'm going through.

I just wanted to thank you all for your honesty and sincerety when talking about things that I'm sure are painful for you. It's somehow reassuring and therapeutic. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing a world of good for at least one person.

Thanks and take care,
Frank

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"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional."

Dear Frank,

Awe, thanks. It's hard for me to belive you have such a bad temper because your nice-ness (for lack of a better word) never ceases to amaze me. Thanks so much for the vote of confidence, I really appreciate it.

I great man once said to me "it's nice to know I gots friends"

Best Wishes Always, Mellie

quote:

Originally posted by watajob:
I don't have any good advice for this issue 'cuz I have the world's shortest temper. I can go from 0-ballistic in nanoseconds. I am constantly amazed, however, at how much better I feel just from cruising the boards, hearing about all the same struggles I'm going through.

I just wanted to thank you all for your honesty and sincerety when talking about things that I'm sure are painful for you. It's somehow reassuring and therapeutic. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing a world of good for at least one person.

Thanks and take care,
Frank

Hi Crabb and Looney! I'm sorry, but I just left Andrew's/Lindi's topic on depression, posted there about my own troubles, and then came here to read Mellie's post and LAUGHED MY CRABBY ASS OFF! Again, I'm sorry, I know how you feel with the anger, been there with the not right for you boyfriends, but I had a good laugh, and I sure needed it and wanted to say thanks. I think there should be a forum for humor/funny stories in here. JBean

Dear Jbean64

No need to apoligize, we are glad you thought it was funny. Any time anybody laughs it's a good thing, especially considering the problems we are all going through. By the way, I agree with you about the funny stories, Great idea.

"You have to laugh at yourself because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't" Quote-Emily Saliers, Indigo Girls.

Mellie

[This message has been edited by mellie (edited 05-24-2001).]

Dear Mellie and Lindi: (and everybody)
I have been reading your postings on the relationship thing. I want you to know that there is hope also in that department. I married very young at 18 and it was a miserable marriage for 5 years. I finally had it and bailed with a 2 year old son. I was single for 2 years, working and raising my son and met a guy 7 years older who pursued me very aggressively, promising to take care of us, etc. etc. I married him and for 8 years, it was worse than the first marriage, yet had 2 more sons, one with serious birth defects. I stayed in this marriage way too long because I didn't want to admit defeat a 2nd time, because husband no. 2 had undermined my self-confidence and self-esteem, and because I spent 2 years of that marriage with my son in hospitals. He thought I would never have the guts to leave him, and he told me so many times. But I did! By this time, I was 32 with 3 kids, one with problems, living in the Keys. I didn't see any kind of relationship possibilities in the future for me under these circumstances and I was okay with it.
Then something happened that usually only happens once in a lifetime. I opened myself up to new chances by agreeing to meet someone that a friend was urging me to meet. The first time I saw him, I had real rushes all over my body. I was not expecting this. This had never happened to me before, even with the first 2 marriages. He was not a likely prospect......
he lived in his van (yes, I said lived in his van!). He kind of drifted around, had had lots of relationships, I was wary. That was 17 years ago. We lived together for 2 years to make sure it was "right", then married. He still gives me serious rushes every time I'm near him. I knew when I saw him that he was my true soul mate, and he tells me the same. He has been a wonderful husband and father in every way. There IS someone right for you out there. Don't settle. My odds didn't look too good,did they? And look what happened to me. If you feel that the person you are with is not right for you, then you're probably right! Listen to your gut!!!!
ajmoon

Dear Ajmoon

What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing that with us. Iv'e always been a hopeless romantic but lately have been dismising that notion as an unrealistic expectation. Not to mention the fact that my low self-esteem also made me feel like I was dreaming. I will definatly keep your story in mind the next time I start doubting my romantic inclinations.

Thanks Agian, Mellie

quote:

Originally posted by mellie:
Dear Ajmoon

What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing that with us. Iv'e always been a hopeless romantic but lately have been dismising that notion as an unrealistic expectation. Not to mention the fact that my low self-esteem also made me feel like I was dreaming. I will definatly keep your story in mind the next time I start doubting my romantic inclinations.

Thanks Agian, Mellie

AJmoon, thanks for sharing your story! It really lifted me up! When my anxiety started last year, I was in a relationship with a guy who was not right for me. But my self-esteem was so low at that point, that I clearly remember saying to myself "well, you better grab onto him, because this is about as good as you're going to get!" Before I met him, I was feeling very insecure about myself in all areas. But my anxiety really started because I was FAKING IT! I pretended to be happy, I pretended that my life was going to be great with this man. Well, it ended thank goodness and I am slowly re-learning that I don't have to feel desperate. I'm still a viable person even though time marches on and I'm still single. Thanks for your story, it gave me hope and I don't feel like I have a time limit. JBean