I would like some advice on how to deal with my friend's small white lie. The other day I asked my friend (James) if he had watched a particular TV show. He said that he hadn't watched it. I then responded, "Oh well, I guess I can't discuss it with you then." He said, "Nope, not until I see it."
Later I was talking to a mutual friend of ours (Dave) about the same TV show and he told me that he hadn't caught the whole show due to some TV problems. I asked him if he caught the end of the show and he said, "No, I had to ask James about it."
So, now I know that James lied to me about not seeing the show. He must have watched it, since he could talk to Dave about it.
Now I know that we are black and white thinkers (i.e. If you lie, you're a lier). I want to confront him about it, but I don't want to cause his defenses to go up. I just listened to Session 6 and got some good tips, but I'm not sure if it's worth the confrontation. I want to build and develope trust between us, but this kind of behavior seems to only destroy the process.
I would just bring it up in conversation like hey James, I was talking to Dave about the TV show and he said you did watch it. and see what he say's. I think we have to pick our battles and I wouldent go to war over this. He might have a good explanation.
Good Luck, Debbie
Posts: 374 | Location: Rhode Island | Registered: January 07, 2007
jeff, i can honestly say i often have so much on my mind (OR my mind elsewhere) that i "forget" stuff...maybe your friend is like that too. i have often said "no, i didn't read or see or know that"..then it comes back to me..and low and behold i know alot more upon reflection than i thought. besides, how important is this in the scheme of things ask yourself. yes, people can disappoint...and part of our life lessons is not putting so much stock in others...."being less affected"...worse, people can lie and "make up personas"-even be different with different folks..hey=the list goes on. but, we truly need to learn to not "SHOULD" all over others as we really don't need their standards "SHOULDING" all over us. i know it hurts jeff...we often are honest sensitive types...but do try to remember, that whats "honest" to us, may not be a "big world" perspective...and people are sooooo imperfect/not able to be all they "should" be. so, as i see it=the "healing" growing is about us feeling "good enough"--without others having to validate us or understand us or "carry us"/support us, interract with us, invite us, share with us etc... and learning to create our own lives and fulfill our own responsibilities, and if we "connect" be so grateful considering the vast amount of imperfections and differences among all of us, and even the "forgetfulnesses"... hugs to you jeff
This strikes me as quite funny. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry got busted for telling a cop he didn't watch Melrose place -- she made him take a lie detector test and he broke down! Really, though, your friend probably had a reason for saying he didn't watch it: he didn't feel like talking about it at the time, he was strongly affected by the show and still working it out inside, he feels like everyone but him loved the episode and is tired of hearing about it; there are hundreds of possibilities! I doubt it has anything to do with you at all. It's a funny thing to lie about, but you've got better things to spend your time thinking about. When dealing with him in the future, you'll remember this about him and probably be better able to judge your relationship with him -- or you could challenge him to a lie detector test!!
OMG Beth - Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I have been struggling with this since it first happened Thursday morning. Your words have reminded me of so many principles that I'm learning, and yet somehow forgot. In the big scheme of things it IS minor and I should focus on the connection my friend and I have. My expectations of him are way too high and I was SHOULDING all over him. Good thing he doesn't have those expectations and shoulds of me. I will let it go and accept him for who he is. Someday, I will share with him my realistic expectations of our relationship - after I'm done with the program.
Thanks Again! I truly appreciate you!!
Jeff
quote:
Originally posted by h.beth: jeff, i can honestly say i often have so much on my mind (OR my mind elsewhere) that i "forget" stuff...maybe your friend is like that too. i have often said "no, i didn't read or see or know that"..then it comes back to me..and low and behold i know alot more upon reflection than i thought. besides, how important is this in the scheme of things ask yourself. yes, people can disappoint...and part of our life lessons is not putting so much stock in others...."being less affected"...worse, people can lie and "make up personas"-even be different with different folks..hey=the list goes on. but, we truly need to learn to not "SHOULD" all over others as we really don't need their standards "SHOULDING" all over us. i know it hurts jeff...we often are honest sensitive types...but do try to remember, that whats "honest" to us, may not be a "big world" perspective...and people are sooooo imperfect/not able to be all they "should" be. so, as i see it=the "healing" growing is about us feeling "good enough"--without others having to validate us or understand us or "carry us"/support us, interract with us, invite us, share with us etc... and learning to create our own lives and fulfill our own responsibilities, and if we "connect" be so grateful considering the vast amount of imperfections and differences among all of us, and even the "forgetfulnesses"... hugs to you jeff
Gena - Thank you for helping laugh at myself! I don't remember that episode, but it sure brings perspective to the whole situation, doesn't it? I think I could speculate all day about why he did it and never figure it out. I guess I just need to put it behind me and let it go. I do have better things to worry about, like my own mental health. I need to stop taking myself so serious and learn to laugh at myself. How silly I've been.
Thanks Again! Keep helping us laugh!!
Jeff
quote:
Originally posted by Gena72: This strikes me as quite funny. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry got busted for telling a cop he didn't watch Melrose place -- she made him take a lie detector test and he broke down! Really, though, your friend probably had a reason for saying he didn't watch it: he didn't feel like talking about it at the time, he was strongly affected by the show and still working it out inside, he feels like everyone but him loved the episode and is tired of hearing about it; there are hundreds of possibilities! I doubt it has anything to do with you at all. It's a funny thing to lie about, but you've got better things to spend your time thinking about. When dealing with him in the future, you'll remember this about him and probably be better able to judge your relationship with him -- or you could challenge him to a lie detector test!!
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