Hi everybody! During the first 5 lessons, most of the time i have been feeling so much energy and excitement. With lesson 4 and now lesson 6, something 'else' is happening, the complete opposite. I have examined this, this morning and can 'see' the origin of how badly i am treating myself, but i DO know that 'seeing' it doesn't immediately cause change. So, here it is. I find that compassion, kindness, respectful self-talk and patience with myself is becoming very 'slim'...when i find i am unable to use these tools 'immediately', when these situations (practice opportunities) come up. There are TOO MANY opportunities in one day! TOO MUCH to look at and change. And what is the most disturbing part is: I have TOO MANY 'instructions' in my head, reminding me what to do, what not to do, "what are my expectations of myself right now, my 'should's"....what are my expec. of him/her, etc... on and on. Trying to get it perfect. And THIS mental harrassment (which i can see i put into place very early on in life) exhausts me and causes me to feel discouraged. It beats me down. I end up feeling it's all TOO MUCH and then...despair. This is familiar to me. So, in working the lessons, this comes up regularly. Just now i did some writing, and i can 'see' (as i have before, although perhaps this time it will help on a deeper level) HOW this got started in me. I can see why i did badly in school as a youngster and later on. If i didn't or couldn't get something 'right'...immediately, i would give up. I obviously had negative self-talk even then. Perhaps it went like this: "you can't do this, you'll never get it, something is wrong with you, may as well stop trying." I made myself feel bad for not being perfect or quick enough, for not solving something or understanding some concept 'immediately'. Easy to see how that would be cruelty, emotional abuse, very mean...for a child to receive those messages. It puts a 'hault' to everything! It's having a voice inside that does not believe in you or your abilities. Whose voice is that?? It's clear to me these are the voices of my parents. (i am absolutely, at this point of my life, not interested in 'blame', i only want to heal myself) My father has always been a very impatient man, no patience for listening or for wanting to understand. If i didn't 'get' something immediately, he'd become extremely irate and fed up. I didn't dare ask again! I was scared, intimidated, fearful. Of course, he had no idea the effect he had on me. I've been nervous around him my entire life. My mother was usually tired and fed up and didn't want to spend the time with me. I always felt like a 'burden' and was told so as well. So, i'm sure i didn't feel, or believe, that i was WORTH the time, attention and effort or patience. I can see how this is the origin of my own self-abuse. Two adults, who...without mal-intent, gave me my 'programming'...my belief system....a big lie! This is not new for me, however...working with this day after day is harder than being in therapy once a week! So, my inner self-talk must be: You are not worth the time,patience and effort. You don't 'get it' fast enough. You're not quick enough and i'm not going to repeat this. You don't learn quickly enough. That being the 'thoughts' in my head (although unconscious), this would have to produce very bad feelings in the body: depression, feeling alone, tension, nervousness, alot of upset, fear, intimidation, AND the feeling that i am a Loser!! ALL OF THIS IS A PILE OF CRAP!! I DO KNOW THIS IS NOT WHAT I AM AND NEVER WAS!! Yet, i can see how this is what is creating such havoc, while i attempt to practice these lessons, many,many times throughout each day. It sounds like, within my posting, i have presented a problem AND solved it! But, believe me, i am still finding these practices bring up enormous irritation within me. Dealing with anger just MAKES me feel angry!!!Can anyone realte to that??? Okay, i've said enough for now. Any support or comments appreciated very much. Have a fabulous day everyone!! love......Lindi

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Linda

Lindi or Linda (I'm not sure which is right),

My parents sound like your parents. My time in school is also similar to yours. I've often given up on things before anyone can tell me that I've failed or that I'm doing it wrong.

As you probably know, I don't have the program. I did however read both books by Bassett. In trying to do the strategies in the book "From Panic to Power," I too gave up. I'm sure the book only scratched the surface, and it isn't as in depth enough as what you are dealing with.

Nonetheless, I was very dicouraged. It was too difficult to re-prgram my brain, particularly with the positive thinking area. At one point after reading a chapter or area I would force myself to put the book down for several days. I used this time to applied the little bit that I had learned to small situations. Then I would go back, review, and repeat.

I had to break each step at a time, and one negative thought at a time. Our views seem to be similar, in that we want to get better so badly that we take in too much information and try to apply it all at once.
My motto now is one hour at a time, or less.

Since I don't have the program it is difficult for me to provide any more insight at this time. All I do know is that you've come this far, I'm sure you can do the rest. Apply the same concepts as before to these lessons. You'll do fine.

Dear Cutufa, Thank you so much! You are so right about "taking in so much information and then trying to apply it all at once." After writing what i did on this post, i had alot of clarity about myself, in a way that i believe can help. "Trying to apply it all at once" is SUCH an unrealistic expectation of myself, once i really UNDERSTAND that when trying to apply myself to even a 'small portion'....i am faced with what i described in my posting, irritation with myself, impatience, why aren't you doing this right,etc...(the parental programming which we take into ourselves)Throughout my life, it has always been an enigma to me, why i couldn't seem to 'apply' myself...especially with specific talents i've always had, or a multitude of things i have been very interested in. Why did i keep on, time after time, bumping up against this solid,brick wall! It's been a mystery and i have tried to work with this alot! It couldn't be that i wasn't intelligent enough....i've always been naturally creative,etc. Why did i have almost no attention span, or perhaps it would last for a very short while..why did i feel so inadequate? I can clearly 'see' right now... that it would be impossible to proceed, to teach myself things that 'take time', when i had introjected into myself those beliefs about me...that i'd never 'get it', etc. They 'gave up' on me, and so did i!!! OF COURSE i got 'stuck'! It makes perfect sense. Why begin anything, when you actually believe (however unconscious that belief is) that it won't have a chance to go anywhere!! Anyway, KNOWING this on even a deeper level now, i can see why i must go SO much easier on myself. I am 'reparenting' myself in a way. This kid (me) is not going to move forward in some areas, unless she receives LOVE, patience,etc.. I have always known and understood so well, that LOVE 'has' to be at the foundation, in order for growth and creativity to prosper. I have had amazing insights and other experiences occur during therapy, during meditations,etc... over the years...which 'showed me' that i (the very young me) would not and could not step out into the world in the way she was meant to....until she was loved enough. This came to my attention in so many ways, which would take up too much space. Some of it was through visuals (in meditation) some through dreams....on and on, the message always the same. Okay, i'm rambling on too much. The bottom line is that without this loving-kindness toward self (and with me, i am starting to give it to a very tiny baby, through writings, talking to myself,etc..) that child cannot actually believe that she CAN...that she's SAFE,etc. It's amazing how this process is taking me to a place, where i am continuing the therapy i was in 3 years ago. What a process! When i had left that therapy, i had experienced something undeniable...which showed me that the original panic attack i had many,many years ago was trying to tell me something. We did a kind of 'dialogue' with the fear, and i discovered it was a little child who was saying " Help me, i need someone to hold on to, someone who loves me". I tried to work with that then, but i didn't have the tools. I don't think i usually write at such length here....it's just one insight after another today....like pieces of a puzzle fitting themselves into place. I'm going to sign off now. I thank you again for your wonderful reply. Oh yeah...my real name is Linda. To avoid confusion, i sign Lindi...as there are two Lindas here. God bless and have a wonderful day! L.

Lindi,

After reading the book mentioned above, I did realized also how tough I am on myself. The things that I would expect from myself, I wouldn't expect anyone else to do. So, why are we so tough on ourselves to the point where we give up. We don't easily congratulate ourselves for the small steps we take, as we should.

I have a few theories of my own, some of which I've learned from books read. I'm still learning about myself now, and what makes me tick. For instance, I'm goal & product oriented, and need to always succeed at the goals I set for myself. Should I find that a project isn't going the way I want it to, I quickly leave it, or wont even take the chance to start it.

This is a whole re-programming exercise. One which requires practice. After all practicing our negative attitude is how we ended up like this.

Be good to yourself!

Lindi,

I know you wrote this a while ago, but I feel just like you. How can I change unconscious thoughts, how can I change those feelings that I'm totally unaware of? I feel like giving up, but the anxiety of that is too much. I feel like I'm just learning to live with this, which is not what I want. I want recovery!!!!! Someone tell me that it's worth the effort!!!

Jeanne

Dear Jeanne Beanie, (*i just finished writing this....it's LONG, so get comfortable!) I am telling you that: IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT!!! And these are NOT just empty words!! And coming from me, having lived in a very tiny world due to panic attacks for many, many years.... coming from me, it REALLY MEANS SOMETHING. You have my heart-felt understanding and empathy, because i really do KNOW what it feels like to actually give up! I have done that...again and again throughout the years. Everyone who is doing this program for recovery is at a different place in their own struggle and growth, so sometimes it's hard for us to know what the other person needs to hear at any given time. What i CAN tell you though, is that as you move even just a little bit forward, you will see that what previously FELT 'impossible', no longer is that way anymore! I have come to see, through previous therapy and through working with these lessons, that we can never know WHEN changes deep within will happen. DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! You have to really 'get it'....that YOU ARE WORTH THE JOURNEY...My own deeply-rooted belief in my own lack of worth was a huge cause for my wanting to just give up much of the time.(even though i didn't know that) I always 'gave up' on so many things, because i really believed that i COULDN'T!! And here we come to your questions about "how do we change unconscious thoughts and feelings which are totally out of our awareness??? Good question! It's like...something is 'running us' from within, even if we don't want it to! (i could give so many examples of this in my own life) I believe there are many, many ways to discover what is going on outside of our awareness. And this can take a long time. Since i made this posting, alot has changed within me, which has made it possible for me to approach this program in a different way. When i wrote this posting, i was exhausted from trying. I took a break......but still doing the relax. tapes and writing in my journal. And i re-focused on lessons 2 and 3, taking 'practice walks' every day, rather than 3 x a week. Jeanne, it would take up much too much space here to relate what i've been through during these past two weeks or so. How can i put the crux of this into a few sentences...... I could 'see' how disappointed i would become with myself as i did the lessons, i could 'see' how impatient i was with myself, how irritated i became,etc... And since i had been reading the Helmstetter book, i was looking at the "programming" i received as a child (have done this before, but not in the same way). So, KNOWING that the FIRST thing that happens is that we get 'programmed' by getting the same messages about ourselves over and over again...is very helpful. Then, understanding that this becomes our BELIEF SYSTEM about who and what we are, it is easy to see that whatever we believe is TRUE, we begin to manifest. i.e. If i truly BELIEVE that i CAN'T stick to things, that i am stupid, that i'm 'too expressive', that i'm a burden, a problem, too loud, too this, too that......WHATEVER you heard alot of about yourself, or simply just FELT from your caretakers.....THIS is what we actually believe is true! And 'from this belief system', we operate in the world, and we TREAT OURSELVES in a similar way in which we were treated. It makes perfect sense. It's like we've 'internalized' the parents. When you really see this CLEARLY, you realize that you were fed a pack of LIES. Because the TRUTH is....that you and i were born beautiful, loveable, wondrous, magical, spiritual, intelligent, creative human beings! THAT'S the truth! What i understood two weeks ago, was that if i had a chance in hell to really move ahead with this recovery, i would need to create, within myself, a VERY LOVING, PATIENT, TOLERANT, COMPASSIONATE, KIND, APPRECIATIVE, UNDERSTANDING Parent...or Caretaker, whatever feels right for you. It was so easy for me to see WHY i could not move in the directions i've always yearned for.....with unconscious beliefs that 'drove' me, which had me running into brick walls all the time, i kept getting stuck. I can easily see why anyone who is lacking certain very healthy and positive views about who they are, would be UNABLE to move forward! We can read a whole library of books that tell us...just DO IT.... you can do it,etc... and we keep feeling like failures, cause we 'somehow' find it all just too impossible! But that's because (without realizing it) we are still giving ourselves the exact same self-defeating messages we've been giving ourselves our whole life! Why WOULD anyone want to keep trying something, if they already knew they were going to come up against the same old brick wall??!!! That's why so many therapies don't work! What i did for myself was....i imagined myself as a little kid, or even a baby, and i made another part of me the Adult or the Parent, and i made this parent someone who loves me, unconditionally, who is very,very patient...who UNDERSTANDS that a child who has been damaged or wounded or whatever you want to call it, NEEDS to be given: alot of time, patience, love, very kind and encouraging words, someone who tells her how amazing she is, that she has a beautiful spirit, that she's so smart, everything you need in order to feel SO loved!! It's amazing, cause you are GIVING THIS TO YOURSELF!! **I realize how corny this may sound to you, but i wanted so much to give this to you, just in case you could use it! What i tell myself these days ABOUT myself is far more TRUE than anything else i believed about myself before! It is hard to explain, but receiving this kind of acceptance and total love....makes working this program SO much easier. It's like this kid inside of you has this brand new caretaker (and it's YOU) and you start really feeling more alive!! You start becoming the authentic YOU that you were meant to be, rather than the you that was programmed into believing all kinds of wrong things about yourself. Okay, i cannot believe how long i've been writing here. And that's because i am trying to describe a 'process'. There is so much more to it, but i hope that this piece of my own experience and 'realization' can be used by you. (when all the 'old' habitual reactions and behaviours come up, as they surely do,....rather than get all upset and discouraged now, i just see it as my habit of a lifetime and i know that it takes TIME to change, and i constantly compliment myself for how hard i am trying....and i can FEEL this little kid inside of me....SMILING back! In having 'less expectations' of myself, i can relax, without so much pressure, and then i find myself moving forward.Well, either you think i'm totally nuts, or you can use this. God bless you, and let's never stop. LOVE YOURSELF BACK INTO LIFE!!!! Nobody else can do it for us. Lindi

Lindi,

thank you so much for the encouragement. I have heard of this type of thing before, but never applied it. I realize now that I do need to be the loving parnet that I never had, but what has held me back is the feeling that doing that was somehow all wrong. That I am not suppose to love myself, or whatever. It feels like I'm fighting a huge battle against some creature that doesn't want to give up the fight. Make sense? I need to make friends with that creature cause it needs to know that's ok, and that it has something important to tell me. Does that make sense? Thanks again for being here.

Jeanne

Hi Jeanne, Yes, what you describe makes perfect sense to me. And you're right...that you need to make friends with that creature. I think it's just another aspect of fear, that will do whatever it thinks it has to in order to keep you from moving ahead. Again, fear in another guise! I've had that kind of thing my whole life...that part of me that won't LET me move ahead, and this tends to 'act up' whenever i AM moving ahead. It's just the part of us that doesn't TRUST, that wants things to remain the same. I used to do alot of work with 'dialoguing' with aspects of myself (learned how to do this in my training to be a therapist) a fabulous book to get (can order this from your library or buy it) is: The Voice Dialogue Manual, by Hal Stone and Sidra Winkleman. It explains beautifully the parts of ourselves...which often work outside of our awareness. It SHOWS us HOW to dialogue (sometimes you can just write it out) with these 'parts' and the purpose of this is to learn about the nature of these aspects of ourselves, why we operate as we do, the PURPOSE of having something like your 'creature' getting in your way. This book is excellent and SO helpful. Have a good day and talk with you soon. love.....Lindi P.S. When the 'creature' part acts up, just calmly use the 6 steps from Lesson 2, for panic. Don't fight it, just recognize it, say "Hi there", allow it to be there,etc.. it's only fear.

Lindi,

what great advice, about inviting in that creature. It is a part of me that I think I'm afraid to accept in myself. I'll look into that book, too. My cousin suggested a book called "the dark side of the light chasers" which seems to operate on the same idea. finding those parts of ourselves that scare us, and inviting them in, because they need to be heard and they also have something to teach us. what a great idea, too, to tell myself it's only fear. thanks again, Lindi

Jeanne