I know this has been asked in some form or another many times in the past. But I still struggle with this. How do you not be affected by something you feel strongly about? When you have marital problems, for example, and your husband is saying things that are hurtful or speaking to you in a way that is very upsetting...I am learning how to react without so much anger and how to be calmly assertive, but inside I'm still a wreck by the experience. I may be effective on the outside (at least on my end), but I'm still very affected on the inside. How do you choose to not have strong feelings about something you DO feel strongly about? You may tell yourself that's just the way that person is or whatever, but it's still hurtful, especially when we're talking about family. And what if you are calm and assertive and they still come back with hurtful and condescending remarks and no understanding, and you can't just cut yourself off emotionally because this is your family, these people are your life (especially when it's a spouse)? How do you not let people push your buttons? How do you just cut off your feelings? Some things are just hurtful and it's not a choice. How do you make yourself feel differently? Sometimes no matter what I tell myself about a situation, no matter how I rationalize it, I still FEEL bad. If you give a damn, you're going to feel bad, no matter what kind of positive self-talk you use...that's been my experience. I need more advice on this one!

Hi DTC,

I know how you feel. It's impossible not to hurt and not to care. But, what you do have control of is how you react. If you tell someone and they still do not understand, they don't. Even if it is your husband, he will not understand everything. You can take the negative energy and even when you hurt put it to positive use. For example, walk, swim, and get fit lifting weights. Then, at least, you got something positive out of the day. Writing in a journal helps. You can understand yourself better. Spend time finding out who you are. Don't punish people you love for making you angry. I mean don't ignore them, swallow the feelings, you can say plainly, "that hurts and I think you misunderstood me." You can still act in love, but with control and don't pretend everything is okay with you to get out of conflict. Act differently, and definitely take incredible care of yourself when you have been hurt by family. Forgive yourself, rest, take it easy, so you won't explode! I doubt anyone can feel good about their relationships all the time. I never seem to get what I expect. After trying this program, and reading a lot the last couple months, I feel that bottling up feelings is what hurts the most, expressing them somehow even through walking it off, talking to someone, sending time with someone else, writing, all makes the hurt not so hurtful. Definitely, get as much support in your life as you can. Put your love and passion into projects.
take care,
Kris

I am having the same difficulties in my relationship with male companion of five years. I feel he doesn't mean harm by his comments, but they hurt me and my self esteem seems to come down, then resentful and angry feelings take over. I am more assertive now, but that seems to put a wedge between us. We are both resentful then and guard our words. This is changing my feelings towards him. I don't feel as close and less love. He also does not seem to comprehend that some of his remarks are hurtful at times, and tends to want to blame me for everything, like my feelings don't count for anything. I feel sad about this. I see our relationship going down the tubes sometimes. We are just going thru the motions right in order to try to keep this relationship going, but sometimes I wonder if I personally would be better off without him. Oh, I love him and I would miss him terribly, and he is a good man, but I am getting sick of his comments. He seems to be guarding his comments also, so maybe this will pass. I don't know. I get confushed with this issue. I wish I could just ditch him and learn how to be happy without a man in my life. Keep in mind, we do not live together, but on the telephone on a daily basis. I am in a stuck mode and have been for some time. Sometimes, things are okay, but lately we have been commenting back and forth because I am finally standing up for my feelings. I may have to let him go. This is sad and depressing for me.

Dear Patty:
I can relate to your story. In my case i finally realized that i was the one being abusive to my boyfriend.Every time that the anxiety led me to mood changes i would attack him and tell him how bad of a boyfriend i thought he was. It was not until i got sick and was bed ridden that i realized what i was doing. Then after seeing how he looked after me. I decided to apologize and explain to him about my anxiety. His anwer was,"if you weren't anxious you will be perfect and there is no perfect people" I just want to say take your time in making decisions and ensure not to let the angry feelings take over. Good luck.