My step son is getting married in Sept. He has excluded my brother and sister who have tried LONG and hard to treat him as their own blood relation, 18 years as a matter of fact. I spoke my mind, bringing up the hopeful 'oversight' but they said he didn't feel he had a relationship with them. Upsetting to me of course because they've done their share, but I tried to let it go.

Now I find that my PARENTS who have gone SO FAR out of their way to do EVERYTHING possible to show them they are part of our family have also been excluded.

I've spoken with my husband and asked him to speak to his son, I doubt he did. I've vented this with my husband's sister who totally agrees with me that it is very disprespectful 1, to me but mostly 2, to my parents. I have to say, my parents claim to not be bothered by it. I believe they are but are putting on a show for me to make me relax about it because it feels like such a direct arrow at MY heart and they know I feel that way.

Can you tell me your opinions on this, whether ettiquette gives me the right to be upset, and that they have done things incorrectly. How can I get past this hurt/anger. I'm carrying 18 years of hurt, because of the things that have happened throughout the past 18 years; little support from my husband, different rules and expectations for his sons vs OUR kids (they get crapped on too). I've dealt the best I could.

Thoughts on my 'right' to feel so hurt and betrayed? Thoughts on healing and forgiving? I did the phoney baloney thing quite well at the bridal shower Sunday

DianeB:

For years, my husband and I sat back and allowed family to place us on a back burner. To make a 5 hour drive to sit and listen to them talk about everyone in their area was truly a waste of time for us.

When you allow others to pull the strings, that is leaving you open to whatever they throw your way. My husband and I took the ToughLove approach many years ago with our 2 adult children. This doesn't mean that we don't love them or care what happens to them. It just means that we cannot control how they react or the actions they take. We are only responsible for our own.

Many family members will find this a difficult approach, but ask yourself, 'Has there been a change in the situation?' If this is something that has been going on for years and nothing has changed, it is likely that it won't.

Our approach has been a change in the 'traditional' holidays. For YEARS we were expected to drive that 4-5 hours for Christmas. The last 3 years we have traveled to the coast and stayed there for a week. It has been wonderful. No stress, no anxiety about what is going to happen while visiting, no more smilling and nodding as everyone else talks about people we don't even know. (Sort of like a Quipie (sp) doll that nods when prompted). =)

Now, this has not been an easy move. We are continually getting messages from the family who wants us to come back and tolerate what was allowed for years. So this can truly be a test, but we tolerated a great deal for years and needed to take this action.

Hang in there!

Pooh36

Thank you Pooh, I'm trying hard to just accept that thye are dumb kids as they are only 20 and 21 years old. And Yes, it HAS been happening FOREVER so it will NEVER change.

You may be in the right but still can't control another person and what they do. You can talk to your stepson and tell him how you feel about it not being right to exclude family members, but bottom like, he makes the decision. I would feel as you do too. Angry, upset, hurt, etc. I could see if this was a small wedding, sometimes those decision need to be made. But, understanding that he is not doing it to intentionally hurt others would help. People do things out of ignorance all the time. Or selfishness.

Reena

Reena,
Thanks for your reassurance. Talking to them is useless as they don't care about MY feelings. I've decided to draw some lines though and to NOT cross them at any time. Thanks for your help.
Di

I own a Flower Shop and the worse wedding I ever did was my own son's. Everything went from bad to worse from the beginning. The children had dated for 10 years and my DIL was already very much part of our family. The wedding brought the beast out of everyone. Unfortunately 7 years later, the atmosphere is still rough and I still feel as though I am walking on eggs. I commend the parents that did"ToughLove" and made a life of their own. I seriously think we will try it this year and relieve some of the anxiety of making everything look"alright". Wish I could help, but I have no solutions but wanted you to know that it happens.

Ettie,
Being reminded that it happens to a lot of people and that I'm not alone DOES help! Thanks

Pooh
I want to thank you for posting about TOUGH LOVE.
We are now in a situation with two out of three of our sons. Our oldest son and his wife have used us and treated us like dirt for a good while. They never call unless they want something and we are (9 times out of 10) excluded from any family functions. Our middle son is an alcoholic, who is in big denial, and doesn't want to hear anything you have to say. All I hear from my daughter in law is what he has or hasn't done. I guess she thinks I can snap my fingers and change him.
We do worry about him, especially the thought of him driving under the influence. In the back of our minds the thought of getting a call that something has happened to him is always there. It is only natural response, but in the process it is killing us. In the early stages, I kept calling him everyday and at night to see if I could hear any slurred speech, but that has stopped. I don't call anymore, I let him call me. My husband is a recovering alcoholic himself, so he knows what is going on in our son's mind and the main thing is he does not want someone trying to control him. My husband and I are now putting up boundaries in both situations, which we hope will cut down on our stress. We don't have any control over these things. Tough Love is hard, but we have to press forward with this because neither situation can be controlled by us. Wish us luck on our journey.
Again thanks for posting.

Smama,

I absolutely wish you and your husband all the luck you deserve. I want to add that my younger sister was a drug addict for 30 years in and out of rehab and she was a nurse. If our family would have used ToughLove, we all would have been healthier and happier. I know what you mean, we used to live for the phone calls,the slurred speech, the wobbly walk . this is the little sister that became Pregnant with Breast Cancer, when she became so sick, her tolerance to painkilling drugs was so high they had a very difficult time keeping her comfortable. I am not only heartbroken from losing her, but watching my poor parents suffer too. Please take care be well
and Stay Strong!!1

love, Ettie

Sorry gang,
meant to address Pooh........

My mind was in the past for a minute there

Ettie

Hi everyone,

More stupid things have happened with regard to my step-son's wedding. I've been frustrated - anxious - stressed - angry.

I've been the one (not my husband-his FATHER) dealing with all the arrangements for our family to go to this wedding. That includes hotel reservations (for his neice & her husband as well as his parents too), getting my daughter all set up with her dress and stuff, making hair appts for us for the wedding, calling and setting up the suit rentals and doing what can be done from this end for the rehearsal dinner (the wedding is 3-1/2 hours away), I was SUPPOSED to cook for the dinner too.

So anyway, the other night I arranged for the guys to get fitted, called the bride to find out about colors so that my son's will someone match as they wanted them to be ushers. She didn't answer, so I thought I might catch her at her parent's - wrong. Her bro told me to call their mom's cell, which I did and she gave me info. A few minutes later the bride calls me back. She's a bit short with me as we discussed the colors. I said it would be fine for us to change the tie colors, etc. if she wanted us to. "No, no, just do whatever you want." was her response. Kind of snotty, but I thought it was all ok. When we got home that night, my step had called and left ME a message. Told me he didn't want me calling 'other people', that it was their wedding and they'd make the decisions, that it 'should have been thought of sooner' and if it's last minute 'too bad'.

Now mind you, I only called the mom because I was told to do so. I had only called the mom's house in hopes of finding the bride there. I was only making an honest effort to get nice colors for their wedding and as for being 'last minute', I had been reminding my husband for WEEKS to go get fitted and it wasn't until I called the tux shop myself that it got done.

My frustration and anger with that is that I am the only one doing anything for this portion of his family to make things good for the wedding, and I'm the one getting crapped on. After all that's gone on, not just with the wedding, but with my whole married life, I've just about had enough of their crap! He and his bride are being so inconsiderate, thoughtless and unappreciative. I told my husband he could handle all that stuff from now on and that I was not helping with the rehearsal dinner since they don't appreciate me anyway.

A few days later, the bride called me saying that she hadn't received my parent's RSVP. If you remember, THAT is the subject that started this post. I said "they weren't invited, why would they send an RSVP?" She went on to say that she told me 3-4 times that they were, but she didn't. She mentioned my husband talking to my step about it and that he had let my husband know that they were indeed invited. That he had even spoken with my husband again just a few days earlier and asked if my parent's had received the invite yet. I told her I never heard any of that, that her father in law had not informed of that. Of course my husband claims he did tell me, TWICE, and she claims she told me 3-4 times. I am NOT nuts! I am not THAT foregetful that I'd forget being told something SO important to me anywhere from 2-7 times! My gosh, what kind of idiot do I appear to be?!

I am not upset about my parent's not being invited anymore as they claim they were and were going to call them to explain or apologize or something. I AM upset that these people want me to think I'm crazy and extremely forgetful and just won't take responsibility for their own actions and inactions.

I guess I just needed to spill my guts again, and say "I'M NOT NUTS!" Thanks for listening

Do I know how difficult weddings are!!! Eight years later my son and his wife and us still have bad feelings from things said or not said . things done or not done. We too had family not invited but said they were. I can go on and on and it does make you feel absolutely crazy. I don't know about you but it put me in tears.Now the married couple had a baby and I have had difficulty with that too, they set so many rules and boundaries I just couldn't keep up with them. So now we have grown pretty distant and they only live 2 miles away. I have apologized for things I haven't done, called e-mailed , whatever.
After some therapy I will tell you.....don't try so hard try and be yourself and just let things fall where they may. They too told us it was"their day" so let it be.We aren't nuts!!!!

Thanks again Ettie. I AM trying to let it go, gosh I have such a hard time with that! Thanks for reassuring me that I am NOT nuts! I'll keep you guys informed...lucky you.

Hi Diane,

Sounds like the kids heard that you were upset about your parents not being invited and they made up the fact that they sent an invitation. My husband and I have a blended family as well and it was extremely difficult at first but right from the start he was totally supportive of me as his wife and told the kids that. It is so important to have the support of your husband because I think it does become more divided if you don't. They should be treating you and your family with more respect, no doubt about it. Unfortunately, this hurt is going to affect your future relationship with these kids, so I hope your parents do come to the wedding. Sometimes I think kids just don't think. It is so hard for a stepmom, which I am also, because these kids still have a devotion to their own mom no matter how long or how much you've done for them. Hope things work out for you. I certainly don't think you're nuts for having perfectly normal feelings. Keep in touch, Noel

Thanks Noel. That's right, they will probably never realize all I"ve done for them. And you hit the nail on the head...my husband has never shown me enough support and backing. THAT has led directly to where we are now and what happens. To this day, he doesn't defend me, he takes their sides of things, and they are 20 & 23! It's way too late for my situation to get better, I only hope others are smarter than I was and are extremely careful getting into a relationship like this.