IF YOU CANNOT AGREE WITH OTHERS, YOU CAN AT LEAST REFRAIN FROM QUARRELING WITH THEM.
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>When you are involved in a dispute with someone else, it may be the only time doing nothing is better than doing something. There's a practical reason for this: When you quarrel with others-even if you win the argument-you place a great deal of unnecessary stress upon yourself. It is impossible to maintain a Positive Mental Attitude when you allow negative emotions such as anger or hate to dominate your thoughts. No one can upset you or make you angry unless you allow them to do so. Instead of arguing with others, try asking non threatening questions such as: "Why do you feel this way? What have I done to make you angry? What can I do to help?" You may find that the entire situation has resulted from a simple misunderstanding that can be quickly rectified. Even if problems are more serious, your positive behavior will go a long way toward helping resolve them.
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>This positive message is brought to you by the Napoleon Hill Foundation. Visit us at www.naphill.org. We encourage you to forward this to friends and family. They can sign up for this free service at our web site.

quote:

Originally posted by Victoria:
[qb]IF YOU CANNOT AGREE WITH OTHERS, YOU CAN AT LEAST REFRAIN FROM QUARRELING WITH THEM.
>
>When you are involved in a dispute with someone else, it may be the only time doing nothing is better than doing something. There's a practical reason for this: When you quarrel with others-even if you win the argument-you place a great deal of unnecessary stress upon yourself. It is impossible to maintain a Positive Mental Attitude when you allow negative emotions such as anger or hate to dominate your thoughts. No one can upset you or make you angry unless you allow them to do so. Instead of arguing with others, try asking non threatening questions such as: "Why do you feel this way? What have I done to make you angry? What can I do to help?" You may find that the entire situation has resulted from a simple misunderstanding that can be quickly rectified. Even if problems are more serious, your positive behavior will go a long way toward helping resolve them.
>
>This positive message is brought to you by the Napoleon Hill Foundation. Visit us at www.naphill.org. We encourage you to forward this to friends and family. They can sign up for this free service at our web site.[/qb]

For the most part I agree with what they are saying, but I also know that people with anxiety need to practice interacting and being okay with upsetting others. I remember keeping my anger too much to myself. I began to let it out a little at a time when I would feel it coming on. I wanted to handle it quickly and in a healthy way rather than keep it in and let it fester into panic or anxiety. I felt I needed to place some stress upon myself in order to get comfortable in dealing with my anger and other people's anger. I did not like the way I would always be the one to back down and shut up. I want to be heard. Not more than others, but equal to others. There had to be times when I pressed my point of view without fear and intimidation. Especially when I feel very strongly about something. I needed to learn HOW to quarrel with others. I don't promote quarreling as a sport, but I'm glad I can hold my own with quarrelsome people.

I apologize if I misunderstood the point of the quote. There are many ways to look at it.

Let's not get into a quarrel, Victoria. (ha ha)
Tammy

To quote you:
"I began to let it out a little at a time when I would feel it coming on. I wanted to handle it quickly and in a healthy way rather than keep it in and let it fester into panic or anxiety."

No quarreling here. LOL. The Bible says to do as you suggest. "Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with YOU in a provoked state . . ." --Eph. 4:6. Also, 23,��If . . . you there remember that your brother has something against you . . . first make your peace . . . " -Ma 5:23, 24

Obviously even with the best people communicating skills and application of the above - there will still be those that will get upset and will get angry. Nevertheless, I think what you have in mind is talking things out rather than letting them fester within which is key to healing and perhaps gaining the other person, straightening out a misunderstanding, or likewise. Thanks for adding further insight into this post. And I like your sence of humor.

Victoria

I think about the story of when Jesus upset the tables in the marketplace. I believe he was demonstrating his anger for a good reason. I think there are times when it is necessary and appropriate to display anger. But I also gather from the story that Jesus was not regretful about his outburst of anger because it was in line with the word and work of God. He was confident in his thinking and action. I don't think you would find him apologizing to the people in the marketplace, rather, it was those people that he was trying to reach. It was the sinners he came to save. (which includes us all!)

I suspect many of us know that our anger is not directed toward helping others be better people. It is more selfish. We want them to agree with us. We are not interested in their eternal salvation. Jesus was so secure in his relationship with the Father that he knew he (like God) loved the sinners even if he rebuked their practices. How many of us can say that?

I'm not sure where the line between anger and quarreling lies. Seems that some people who are quarrelsome have a lot of anger inside. I believe it's ok to express our anger in a healthy productive way - but quarreling does not seem to solve anything or be productive. I am just thinking out loud and trying to make a distinction about when to shut up and when to speak up. I would say that distinction should be made based on the intent behind the anger.

Tammy

when i am finished with an arguement and i have acted like an idiot then i feel like I total jerk and i feel guilty and awful. If i controlled myself and my anger and was assertive in what and how i said it then i feel good about myself.
Unfortunately I have alot of anger inside. I do tend to fight alot with my husband and have outburts of anger which i am working on daily.
Lori

Hi everyone I really was interested in this post because I am so quick to get angry!!I am always so ready to fight with my husband then afterwards I feel awful, stressed, drained!!I really need helf with this one even when he is being a jerk which is most of the time. He really knows how to push my buttons and he acts like he likes for me to get mad so he can ruin my day!! He knows how long I dwell on arguments for that matter anything. Then he always throws the anxiety up in my face. If we fight in front of the kids I feel guilty forever!! Good luck to everyone!!

quote:

Originally posted by LorisNewLife:
[qb]when i am finished with an arguement and i have acted like an idiot then i feel like I total jerk and i feel guilty and awful. If i controlled myself and my anger and was assertive in what and how i said it then i feel good about myself.
Unfortunately I have alot of anger inside. I do tend to fight alot with my husband and have outburts of anger which i am working on daily.
Lori[/qb]

I understand Lori that you are having a difficult time and are trying. It makes it hard when the other party does put in the same effort. And of course when anyone of us slip and show our anger we generally feel bad especially when that isn't who we really are.

Quarreling destroys a peaceful atmosphere even in a marriage (Pr 17:1) and may cause even the meekest of persons to lose self-control. What helps me is knowing the detrimental effect of quarreling, the proverb counsels: �Before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.� (Pr 17:14.

When marriage mates have problems getting along together, what helps is when both can try to apply Bible counsel. The Bible urges us to show love and to be forgiving. (Colossians 3:12-14).

I'm so very sorry Lori for the difficult times you are going thru. It is so difficult when you don't feel well. I'm send you my very best and prayers.

Victoria

quote:

Originally posted by kurstin:
[qb]Hi everyone I really was interested in this post because I am so quick to get angry . . . Then he always throws the anxiety up in my face. If we fight in front of the kids I feel guilty forever!! Good luck to everyone!![/qb]

Greetings Kurstin,
I think that it is a good thing that you see the need to get past the anger. I'm so sorry that you are living with a man that seems to lack understanding in this regard. Please see how I replied above to Lori.

The skills from the MW Center are very helpful. For me also the Bibical scriptures help me understand the place for anger in my life. There's a place for anger if it is based on principle. One may rightly express righteous indignation. We are commanded to �abhor what is wicked.� (Ro 12:9) The Bible provides numerous examples of righteous indignation.

I've found that I do well when I place the anger on the action of the other rather than on them. In marriage you have every right to be angry if you are not treated well as the wife and mother of your children. Yet, for the sake of the children especially they need to see more communication and less arguing. They can see that although parents may not agree on everything that they can peacefully talk it out.

I understand that this may not be easy when you are not treated lovingly. I'm so sorry.
Wishing yo well,
Victoria