I have a question for Lucinda or Carol after listening to the sessions on anger and assertive behavior. Let's say I manage to keep my cool in a heated discussion with someone. Let's say he turns more and more nasty and I decide to take the high road and keep it civil and by doing that he shouts over my "even-toned responses" or interrupts me again and again. I have not being heard at all. His idea of winning a fight is to talk so loud and so long that his opponent quits the field, so to speak. So, I did. And I left the situation, which in this specific case was my cousin's house. And as I drove away, I questioned whether I had really stood up for my beliefs or did I just cower, and cut and run like everyone else in the family from this person my cousin married. I got madder, not better, because I felt I had not fought him hard enough.

So, what is the best response when dealing with someone like that--they interrupt your reponses, shout you down and then insult you. Tell me why I shouldn't deck him the next time? He's a big guy, but I think I could take him.

Well, I'm not Lucinda or Carolyn, but here goes.
Know the Kenny Roger's song about "know when to fold 'em and know when to hold 'em?"(cards)
Same thing with some heated discussions, occasionally AKA arguments. If every card dealt is a joker, and you have no choice but to keep it, end it as soon as possible. Walk away and don't even try to "win". It's useless. It's pointless. It's aggravating and it's not a "win or lose" situation. Who the heck can ever get a point across to someone who isn't even listening?
If we're having a conversation, debate, argument, whatever and the other person is simply concentrating on how to retaliate with his responses, and shouting over ours' what's the point in continuing?
Drop it, move on. If the other person is interrupting "again and again" - well, he was never listening from your first word forward, and you stuck around too long.
You spent too much time trying to make it into an actual discussion.
Personally, I don't bother with people like that. Waste of time and effort.
Quick and less frustrating ending - " Hmmm, we're not going to get anywhere with this, so let's end it now" Then walk away.
Again, walk away. After all, he's only looking for attention and obviously puts a great deal of volume and effort into making sure he does.
Being assertive is also when we-----
CHOOSE not to participate in the discussion.
Make a CHOICE to walk away from it.
Have CHOSEN not to allow ourselves to get frustrated and angry.
Not all assertiveness is verbal.
Hope this is some help for you.
Hey, he's a jerk, simple as that.

Hugs to you!!!

This is the best advice I can give you:

In my fiance's family growing up there was a rule - "Once you raise your voice, the conversation is over." My family was always yelling and I really enjoy this new rule! This is a rule for our house now and I think it's really helped me be assertive because I can't yell!

I think that you did the right thing by leaving. You weren't running away. You WERE standing up for yourself! You were saying, "I won't stand here and be yelled at especially when my voice is not being heard." You drew a line and when that person crossed it, you left. That's exactly what you should have done!

Next time you're in that situation, let the person know, "If you continue to yell, I won't be able to continue having the conversation with you." This trick even works on the phone. That way, the other person knows where your boundries are and when they yell and you leave, you're proving you will stick to your convictions.

Way to go! Keep up the good work! It sounds to me like you're being VERY assertive!

I also wanted to say -

He's acting like a child. He's trying to yell and insult you to provoke you into having a fight with him. If you punch him, he wins. You'll be giving him exactly what he wants.

What's the best way to end a fight with someone who so clearly wants one? Don't fight him. Refuse to play his games and he won't be able to suck you into them. It's a childish game for childish people, but you are learning to be an adult. Adults use assertive behavior to resolve differences because we're too smart to believe yelling and name calling will solve anything.

You're smarter and more assertive than he is and you don't need to play his games!

Thanks to both of you for your imput. I should point out that I didn't end the situation then. He had his final say, someone else changed the subject, I hung around for several more minutes and left, at which point The Jerk called me a "left-wing liberal" and kissed me (which is something else I have to put a stop to. He wants to kiss me on the mouth whenever we part, even with his wife (my cousin) standing right there! Yuck!) Anyway, I made no impact or gesture that would have led anyone to think I was being "assertive." I was just beaten down because I chose not to go to absolute "war" with him in their home. I was their guest and my momma taught me better manners. Still, this is just a situation in which I feel helpless and have a really hard time "letting it go." I actually get madder about it later, thinking about all the things I should have said. I have no problem being assertive enough to state my views. What I do have a hard time with is when others use their "guerilla tactics" of debate rather than engaging in more conventional contentive behavior. People like him are driven to "win" these situations and when someone walks away, they claim victory. I do plan to avoid him as much as I can, but he's in the family and I do enjoy my cousin's company.

I would say you are trying hard not to be angry - but you have every right to be angry - it's what you do with your anger that makes you assertive. Once you allow yourself to feel your feelings, I think the answer will come to you. I am very much like this also so I know how it feels, and I would tell your cousin that you enjoy her company however you would prefer to spend time with her when her husband isn't around because he isn't respecting you. If she says that isn't possible, then you have a choice to make. Maybe you can limit the time you spend there so you aren't being subjected to his abuse - how much fun is that anyway?

Good luck.

about the "loud" guy your cousin married....
try to learn one other thing from that confrontational behavior; that who ever hangs with a guy like that is being abused on a daily basis. If children are at issue here, they are abused children. They will copy this behavior to their detriment! I have first hand experience