If someone did something to your loved one that caused you justifiable anger (it may have destroyed their life) but you would create worse problems talking to them, how do you get past the pain? In other words, talking to them won't solve the problem. It will just create more problems like opening up a can of worms. Since you always have to see the person who hurt your loved one any suggestions on how to get past it? Thanks.

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Victoria

Victoria,

That is a very difficult position to be in. It's hard to answer, without sounding self righteous. It is only normal to be angry. I don't think we are suppose to eliminate anger from our lives. When I am faced with things like that, I pray to God for acceptance of the situation and for guidance. There have been times when I have been so angry, that I could not even make a coherant sentence if I tried. I have found that waiting sometimes though it is hard is very theraputic. It enables us to sort through our feelings and begin to rationally put together a way to confront the person who has hurt us. It is very important that when you do decide to confront the person, that you speak only in terms of yourself. Example, I was very hurt by what you did or said about so and so. It caused me great distress. This way you are addressing your feelings in relationship to the other person's actions or words. Sometimes that enables the person to see what they have done from another angle. Usually it allows a dialogue to begin and not a shouting match. Then from there, hopefully healing can begin.

I hope this helps. Please hang in there. I know it is hard, but the Lord will give you strength if you ask.

DW

Dear DW,
Thank you for taking the time to kindly reply. You show fellow feeling. I totally agree with your suggestions. I have prayed about the problem and can sincerely say that I absolutely do not hate the person. I just do not care for their action. However, I believe for now the answer to my prayers with this situation is to "have my say in my heart." The reason being, from previous experiences with the person, is that I will create a worse problem for my loved one that was hurt and my family. Therefore, the relief I get will only be temporary. It will not lesson the pain, just add to it. The problem that I have to work on is letting go of this feeling while I am faced daily with the damage that one has done to my loved one. However, I still have love for the one that did the wrong as a fellow human being. Therefore, if something bad happened to him I would feel sad. And in spite of my being upset about his action, I could even send a get well card if he were ill.
I think the reason for this anger is, as you say, the need to talk it out with that one regardless of the responce so as to come to closure. But, I have to think of the impact it would have on my loved ones if I did so. It's me I have to continue working on.
Thanks for the great advice. The reminder will most likely come in handy in the future.
Have a wonderful day.


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Victoria

Victoria,

Have you heard of Gestalt therapy? It's the one where you yell at a chair. I wonder if talking this through with a therapist would be helpful? In situations where we are not able to confront someone, therapy and the perspective of a person who is not emotionally involved, can be very healing.

Let us know how you are doing with this...perhaps you will discover something that will help others!

Positively, Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

No, I have not heard of the Gestait therpy.
Fortuantely, my best friend who is my husband of 28 years is a councilor. So, I have been able to tell him everything and anything and get loving logical feed back. He has been a tremendous help and support. I guess he even is my "chair" that I could shout at and he patiently lets me blow off steam. True, he is not an unemotionally envoled party.

I have thought of going to a therapist for this problem - a good suggestion. However, knowing myself, I know that I would not feel free (due to the circumstances)and open and therefore would hinder the help I need. This is not to say that persons that are dealing with serious issues shouldn't go. What bothers me in this situation is words and actions of individual(s). Fortunately, they are nothing of a physical or sexual nature.

When I saw the Midwest Center on TV I asked my husband if I could get it. He was all for it and has supported and encouraged me throughout the lessons. We have been able to discuss and share some of the tapes. We already see changes in me.

I mainly got into the program because of my maternal heart strings. It has helped me understand my grown children better and my reaction to their feelings and things that have happened to them. Therefore, they have become calmer around me. I think it is easier to get past something someone did/does to me because I can learn to control my response to their actions. I can't control the feelings of my adult children. But, when someone has done something that hurts my cubs (so-to-speak) then I find it a bit more difficult. I am working on and slowly progressing because of this wonderful program and the forum.

Thanks a million Carolyn.
With sincere appreciation for your personally taking the time to reply. I enjoy your input in the program. You have a wonderful voice to listen to. Keep up the good work.
Victoria


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Victoria

[This message has been edited by Victoria (edited 03-15-2001).]

Hi,
Thanks. Thinking about cans of worms, hurt, anger, and talking to chairs, makes me think of writing letters expressing anger and what I would say, but for many reasons is not wise, and keeping them, not sending them. I think because people who do not care about how they have hurt others and do not hear, do not deserve words or more attention, more trying to get understanding from bricks. thanks for bringing up the topic...I haven't known what to do about something and like the idea of finding a good place to express my hurt and anger.
Kris

Dear Kris,
Since I first posted the question this is my new outlook on similar situations.

I try to see why the person acted the way they did. From what place are they coming from? Do they have an extreem anxiety disorder of their own that adversely affects their personality? Often the individual that sees the need to hurt the other person has a problem of self-esteem, something they do not recognize and would be in denial about if told.

Writing letters? An interesting thought. Each person would accomplish a different emothional reaction to their writing them. Writing a letter and throwing it way can either enforce your anger or release it --"let it go."

Writing a signed asssertive letter will temporarily get the anger off your chest. But, the risk is making things worse with some people. Is it worth it? Each of us must decide for ourselves.

Send an unsigned letter? What would one accomplish? For each person it is very different.

What I did toward someone that hurt me was buy a very nice greeting card, write a couple of nice lines and send it to them. That was my way of saying I forgive you. They did not say they were sorry or ask for forgiveness. I just determined that their actions were because of their advanced age and health. I felt like a million dollars by showing unrequestied forgiveness.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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Victoria

Victoria,
Thank you for your reply, I had not considered self-esteem and it connection to denial. Thinking about this has helped me with the sense of loss I am feeling. I had thought of backgrounds, but perhaps, they do not feel good enough or able, that helps me to see it from an outside view, and less of a childish way.
I think writing (to oneself-journaling) depends on how deep and long the sense of loss and hurt is and how ready someone is to write. Also, in my case, I am afraid of involvement. Even with nice cards, I'm not sure about cards in return.
I feel forgiveness and understanding, but it is the grief and loss that is still with me.
I'm starting to understand how this is separate from the people, who have aged many years, and how the loss may never go away, but perhaps compassion can take it's place- and, viewing them with understanding as the people they now are (not as those when I was a child), seeing them through adult eyes.
Thanks, and congratulations on your decision!! You are inspiring.
Kris

Dear Kris,
Thanks for writing again. I appreciate all that you wrote. I can see that you are doing well toward healing in this area of pain we experience from other's actions.

One thing that gets me thru the pain another caused is this: "I rather it be me pained by their actions than me hurting them." In other words, I can work on controlling my feelings over the pain they caused, but I would not be able to contol their feelings had I caused them pain.
At least I can live with myself!

Take Care.
Victoria

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Victoria

Dear Victoria,

Having the support of this dicussion has helped me imensely. I too have thought about living with myself, and that I can cause pain too. I thought more and more after writing about how this maybe, for one of the people who have caused me pain, the last time that I have to show them love. I thought about all of the gifts I have in my life, and also the help I have had coping with anxiety, that they have not. I thought about their life, how they have faced many things that may have changed them, that I will never understand unless I experience them. And, amazingly, lots of loss lifted. I realized that it is very important to recognize that even though I didn't get what I needed from them, that I can still give love. And, it may change their lives, and the steps that I have taken towards this can not hurt me, meaning cards in the mail, and there is no longer anything to be afraid of. Forgiveness is not only good for us, but it means letting go of the past.
It's very freeing.
Take care too,
Kris

So true Kris,
It gives us power over the negative action. We do not let their behavior control our thinking. We turn it into goodness by our kind deeds.

Now I have to just practice what we both wrote. Easier to write than apply. But a victory if we do it! If not, certainly not a failure. There'd always oportunities to show love to someone before the negative thinking implants itslelf in our minds.

Sincerely,
Naomi

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Victoria

[This message has been edited by Victoria (edited 04-03-2001).]