Hello--I write this with my tail between my legs ...but does anyone else find that they take out the majority of their anger/frustration/rage/etc. on their "safe" people, specifically, spouses?

I think it is progress that I am realizing it, but I think, no I know, since all of this anxiety hit I've been using my husband as a punching bag, cause he is "safe" and isn't going to leave me.

My question is, does anyone else do this and if so, how are you addressing it with your spouse as well as with yourself??

hey there tara, omg yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i did that for years. trying to be nicer now.

Tara,
Yes i found myself doing that all the time!!! I was so angry at ME!!! cause i couldnt DO anything, and HE could do anything he wanted, with or without ME!!
Problem was he was making the living and doing all the outside stuff i should of been doing for years, cause i couldnt cause of anxiety. But, i didnt get that at the time.
I was jealous and resentful that I couldnt participate and so HE GOT my Anger! Personally i dont know how he stood it! Now he says , it was cause he Loves me, but i think it would of been hard to love ME at all the way I WAS!!
Now, it has all changed, and im so grateful!!!
I know you cant make up for time lost,, but we are giving it the best try we can!! Love ya Nelly

KP so good to find you are still on here.

Bttrfly; you are lucky to believe your spouse won't leave you. I never took mine for granted like that, I alsws believe that if I ever pushed him away there would be at least 3 women out there that would make it hard for him to come back.

I always took it out on me! makeing me difficult to live with, even worse while I was going through the program, as things were surfacing I had been hidding, and simmering over. Now I have most of that out, and I am happyer, I am able to enjoy my life more, I fined my husband is more able to enjoy his life too. it has been a win win program for us. In the beginning the comunication with my spouse and I was a big part of the problem,

"how are you addressing it with your spouse as well as with yourself??"

I never used him as a punching bag, I touched him with kid gloves. now we can be more open and honest with each other than ever before. I feel more charished, and loved than I ever have.

He has stoped ignoring me, because I asked him to. He never ralized how miserable I was before, now he is paying attention to me. I learned the power of askeing for what I needed, with out attacking him in the process.

Mary Kay's dialogue of respect helped me with that it goes like this.
first of all Never say the words always, and never!
Speak to him when he is not involved in someting else, say;

When you...... about the last thing he did or said that up set you. and only that one, now the history of it.

I feel..... be sure you know what you are feeling narow it down to a short fact, like; hurt, disrespected, inloved, etc.

Because.... be sure you know why you feel that way, it could be something in your past, some eppasode in you child hood, the program so good at helping you to pin point just what brings you to the feeling you experience in your life.

Therefore..... only go this far if you are willing and able to back it up. don't threten, don't backdown. or don't say therefor.
I have never said therefore to my husband, I have while practicing with friends, witch I highly recomend, but with my husband, well since most of the problems are mine after all, and his, well I love him to much to hold any of them against him, I make excues for him to some extent, but I never let him get away with "thats just how I am" I quickly point out that he isn't that way when he is with his frinds! and he can't argue with that.

This is a process, "don't should on yourself, and don't should on any one else" Lucinda. I love that one, it has helped me to change more than any other thing I think. I can bearly make since of many of the things I feel, I certainly can't dictate to others how they should feel. It all boilb down to forgiveing, or compassion, it is eaiser to have compassion for others, I find, compassion for my faults the hardest to come up with. but I am doing it with my new attitude of grattitude. You are doing fine just realizing you have been treating your spouse wrong, you can always start with an appoligie, I have actually gotten 2 appoligies from my husband since I started appoligising to him. a first in the 37 years we have been married. Keep it up and you to will find how great life can be open and honest with your best friend.

it's them or us my husband won't leave me either

Thanks, guys. I should have clarified that I meant "emotional" punching bag, not physical, but I think you all knew what I meant.

Yes, I am blessed that my husband would not leave...to an extent. I'm sure everyone has their end point, but his is further than even I could push, I think. This gives me hope...

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has taken out all my shortcomings and frustrations on my spouse.

Yup, did that Bttrfly,
Thank God my hubby understood and now my marriage is so much better!!! I was very open with my hubby about my frustrations and allowed him to share in my accomplishments while working on the program. I was a bit protective of some of my personal "problems" but he understood that it was important to me to work on these by myself.
Keep the faith and keep moving forward. The end result is so worth it!!!
Hugs and prayers for you.
Cindylou

BTW Kp,
You always incite a good laugh from me and I appreciate your honest humor!!!
Keep being you!

thank you cindylou

You're welcome. you're a breath of fresh air with a hint of mischief in it, thank you!!!!!!

I used to take my anger out on my "safe person". Now I'm divorced and my safe people are my 2 kids. Talk about guilt !!! You would think I would have learned that safe may not be permanate.

John,
Im hoping you are working on making "yourself" your OWN safe person!!
It makes it difficult to depend on someone else to make you feel safe,,, Hope you see that with this program!!! Take care

so yea, I am so frustrated and depressed about my recurrence of anxiety and depression and extremely obsessive habits that I am losing my temper and getting overly angry all the time. I am in an almost constant state of frustration and being on edge. I am so sick of it all. I take it out on my boyfriend a lot and harbor resentment and anger toward him for no reason. I assume somehow it's his fault. This crap has to stop. I am very irritated right now because my gd dvd player won't work. Ridiculous that it should make me this angry, I know, but nonetheless. And then all that energy goes into obsessing over my relationship. This has been going on way too long. I could really use some help with this. I have no idea how to deal with my anger and frustration. It comes on so incredibly fast and strong. I am constantly losing it at work. I do NOT want to be this way, and I was getting so much better, but then regressed enormously. I really want to do the personal coaching but can't afford it, considering medication for the first time but money and not sure which one to take, I'm just-I don't know, so incredibly frustrated, guys. I want so badly to figure this out, but it's not happening. Or maybe I am just being way to impatient. Sorry for rambling, but I have to get this out. I don't know how to love someone and yet allow myself to be my safe person, et cetera. I just feel very lost right now, and I really don't want to make other people my scapegoats, but I don't know where to put the anger and channel the frustration. Wanna hear the kicker? I'm an actress/singer! HA! You would think I would have a better outlet, but it's freezing me up creatively, too. It's zapping my confidence and motivation. I have a wonderful man (when I let it happen and get the hell out of my head-even then he is a great man), a wonderful family, things are really starting to happen in my career, what is wrong with me???!!! ARGH! Sorry, guys, but anything you know that may enlighten me would help. even then though I can't stop putting it through the meatgrinder-as my therapist says-freaking OCD. I hate it so much! Well, I am going to watch some everybody loves raymond and try to breathe and get some sleep. Be well, everyone. Again, I apologize for the length and scatterbrained nature of this posting If there is anywhere I can feel that I can safely be nutty, it's here. thank you, and I hope that you all find the peace you desire. God bless

Sarah Anne; I take it out on my boyfriend a lot and harbor resentment and anger toward him for no reason. I assume somehow it's his fault. This crap has to stop.

You are seeing what you are doing that is a big step forward, "You can be powerfull or you cand be pittiful, but you can't be both" Joyce Meyer. That statement has helped me to stop the pitty party blame game. I am my owne safe person, and I am my owne worst enemy, when I let my flesh blame other people for my problem of perceiving the negative. Lucinda writes be Less affected, and more effective, it means the smae thing, when I slip back in to my olld habit of making a list of why I hate me life, and usualy my husband is my target, I just STOP, and start a list of why I love him, I turn the negative habbit in to a positibve habbit, This helpes me so much when I am going through a growth spurt. Have you compleeted the corse?

Sarah Anne; I do NOT want to be this way, and I was getting so much better

You have been better, and you can get it back turning your negative words to positive words, is the best practice I have found to do that. You mite want to repeat chapter 10, and do the jurnalling, that will help like a coach does, re-reading your thoughts and re-writing them in a positive way is a great exercise to becomeiming a person with an attitude of grattitude.

Sarah Anne; Sorry for rambling, but I have to get this out. I don't know how to love someone and yet allow myself to be my safe person,

That is what the forum is for a great place to releas your fears, and get help dispelling them, Loveing your slef, and accepting your flaws, with compassion is the fist step to doing that, Remembering God loves you unconditionaly, and that He is not expecting perfection from you or anyone else, like Lucinda says Don't should on yourslef and don't should on any one else, you only have control of yourself, (once you practice to get that control, right now your flesh has control not your heart) or you would not even see what you are doing to scuttle your happyness.

Sarah Anne; I don't know where to put the anger and channel the frustration.

put it down on paper. do what I just did, write it on every other line so you can go back and write your positive thoughts about that under your negative feelings. Like Lucinda tells us feelings are just that they are not proof, or exact, and usualy they are not even true, just feelings that come and go, so breath. rest, and let them pass, without harming others. as much as you can, Also feelings can be triggered by outside influences, like your diet, Sugar, is my downfall, my Holistic Dr. tells me I am alerjic to it, and my adrenal glands are exhosted, if I eat sugar my moods swing like a pendulum. I have almost elliminated sugar from my diet, and my feelings are on an eaven keel, each time I feel sad, and irrational, I can ususaly trace it back to a sweet thing I ate a few hours ago. Treating your food like your medicin, is much cheeper, than buying medicin, to counteract what you are eating.

Sarah Anne; I have a wonderful man (when I let it happen and get the hell out of my head-even then he is a great man), a wonderful family, things are really starting to happen in my career, what is wrong with me???!!!

Week 11 "Depression can be a defens against hurt" and week 12 says "what if" changeing leads to happiness". I don't know wear you are in the course but these ideas are repeated in diffrent ways all thought the course. We are more affraid of succes, than failure, success tips our world! we can not believe in ourselfes enough to let ourselves be succesfull. So we scuttle our own lives with our habbit of negative. circular thinking. just STOP it, and replace the negative with positive.

Sarah Anne; thank you, and I hope that you all find the peace you desire. God bless

You must Know God wants to Bless You, his daugher, He knited you togeter in your mothers woumb, He went to the trouble to make you so entirely diffrent from any one else, He pattened your finger prints, He loves you! and wants you to know Him, He is just waiting for you to accept His love, and His help, to give you Joy, and the Peace that passes all understanding in this world. This world has molded you in to it's negative habbits! In my case My mom was a people pleaser, and I am, and my daughter is, it is a generational curse, I am brakeing free of, and I gave the course to my daughter, and she is braking free of it, and now she is living with my mother and prying her free of it too. You must Love your God, with all your strength, He can help you to Love and Respect, and have Compassion for youself, then when your cup is running over, you can give love to your neighbors. Without letting it suck you dry, because you will have His love to share, and His love never runs drys, and cracks into negative feelings. Don't get down on yourself, for slipping back in to your old habbits, it happens and it is no surprise to God, he filled his love letters (the Bible) with examples of back sliding people He loves) so we would not feel we were the only one that ever dissapointed Him, I look at David, He was so succesfull, He went through the up's and down's we do, and He wrote about his trials, he broke all the comandments, yet God made him King. he wrote about his feeling in the Psalms. God knowes He has asked you to bloom in a fallen world, and He is near you and waiting for your permission to hlep, you do it. grab on, and let Him carry you, a while so you can gain strength, and walk along beside Him.