Have had negative thoughts last couple of weeks. Thinking of my son, Daniel, who is now in college at Southwest Texas State in San Marcos.

One of the highlights of my life was playing high school basketball for a coach by the name of Bobby Ray. To me he's somewhat of a legend in this part of Texas. He instilled in me confidence and self esteem. I only played for him two years, but I will love him 'til the day I die for what he did for me. To this day I still have that belief in myself on the court. But, in my real life it's really never been that way.

So, I thought, as my son was growing up, that the most valuable thing that I could give him would be my time and, if he enjoyed it, I would try to pass on to him what Coach Ray had given me. Daniel is the sweetest child I have ever known. I suppose every parent would say that, but that's the way he was. From two to twelve I spent as much time with him as I could, and then some. My wife, Lynda, Daniel, and myself did so many things together. At two and three we played with blocks in our den and I was the bucking horsee that he loved to ride. He giggled so much as I played like I was trying to buck him off. We went to the park a lot and fed the ducks. As the years past blocks became legos and then came Nintendo. Daniel did well in school. My wife was and still is a 4th grade teacher where Daniel attended elementary through the sixth grade. It was a very secure and solid experience for Daniel. We took short summer vacations going to Six Flags, Wet'N Wild, the Fort Worth Zoo, the International Wilfelife Park, fishing and swimming.

In 4th grade he started playing basketball in the YMCA league. From that time on I spent time with him on the court as well as off. I never tried to coach him during this time. It was just for fun. Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls were winning NBA Championships during this time. Daniel, I could tell, was really enjoying this. We went to his elementary school, Crockett, a lot on the weekends and played ball. Some of the time there were other kids there and we picked up games. One of his best friends at that time would come along and some of the time his dad would come also. It was fun, win or lose.

Then came junior high. Seventh grade came and half way through I lost my job as a pharmacist tech/bookkeeper. I had had a problem with being able to get up every day and function for about 14 years. I lost my job because of my unreliability.

In eighth grade I thought it was time to begin to start to develop him as an athlete. I filmed all his games. I had started filming his sixth grade year. I should have seen what I was doing, but, I didn't. I critiqued his games, showing him mistakes from the film. Coach Ray did this with me too, but I was a sophomore in high school when he started with me. What I didn't realize was that I was creating a rift in our relationship. Daniel had a very good coach his eigth grade year. He did very well.

He made the 9th grade freshman team and showed a lot of promise. He did very well academically in the 9th and 10th grades. At the start of his sophomore season, he asked me not to film anymore and I complied with his request. His 10th grade year he got a chance to start on the junior varsity team and his talent combined with his intelligence stood out to me and to the coaches. He was placed in who's who in athletics by one of the coaches. This was a large 4A Texas school. I thought that he was on his way and that Coach Ray's impact in my life had been passed on in a positive way. All this time I remained unemployed, unable to dependably get up in the morning. But, I was able to get out and shoot with him and made it to almost every game. I realized that much of my problem may be psychologically based.

Daniel's junior year started. On the first day of regular basketball season he had run the mile under six minutes which meant he didn't have to run it anymore. Then on the 3rd day of regular practice he quit. I was disappointed, thinking that his considerable talent would never be put to use. But, I wasn't negative about it. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I felt sorry for him. I think he thought that I might get mad about it, but it didn't happen. Lynda and I, from elementary on, had always told him, son, if it ever stops being fun, it'll be time to quit. So, he quit playing his junior year.

All this time, my heart was the same. He was my little boy, though now he was growing up fast. I loved him so deeply, so very much. When he quit basketball, his behavior changed some. He changed friends and started staying out very late on the weekends. He hardly ever stayed home. He was gone all the time.

I was having a difficult time shortly before that. There were times when I felt totally worthless to anyone. I felt unloved, although that wasn't true. I felt alienated and different from everyone. There were times in Daniel's freshman and sophomore years when I had periods of total nonfunctionaing, staying in bed for days. In the last couple of months of his sophomore year I began an 18 month period of getting upset and then leaving Lynda and Daniel, sometimes for the night, sometimes coming back the same night. Each time I did this, it tore me up because I couldn't seem to control it and I was afraid of losing both of them.

At the end of January of Daniel's junior year we received a failure notice from the school. It was a shock. At about the same time I was showing him how to change oil in his truck that we had bought for him that same year. I noticed that he had some cds which had parental warnings on them. That kind of surprised me. I went into his room one day while he was in school to look at his cds. I was shocked at what I found. He had bands I had never heard of. Full of self destructive lyrics and other stuff I don't want to mention.

I discussed this with Lynda and we decided to sit down with him and talk about it. When we did, I could tell that he didn't feel understood. I made some mistakes during all his growing up years, losing my temper sometimes, not at Daniel, but Lynda and one individual that I worked for. It was enough that Daniel never felt he could place his total trust in me, though he did tell me things when I asked.

At the start of May of his junior year we received another failure notice. I had opened it about 10 minutes before Daniel came home at lunch. I was still upset, hurt, and confused when he walked into the house. I lost my temper with him. He went back to school. After school when he was in his room, I went in to talk to him calmly. He was still upset and started telling me that he felt that he had to play basketball from 7th grade on. He said that in high school the practices became so strenuous he wasn't sure he could get through them. He gave all he had almost every practice and the stress that puts on an individual to keep up that level of performance day in and day out is overwhelming. He said he had times that he wanted to run away or kill himself. He also felt the same way with academics. My little boy was in so much pain during this time and neither Lynda nor I knew. This was overwhelming to me and the emotional pain seemed like too much to keep on living. I was going to leave again. Then I said to Lynda that I was going to kill myself. She called the police and I spent the night at a state facility here in town. The next morning I was released.

Daniel told me a couple of years ago that he wishes that he had grown up in someone elses house. He said he could put up with it until he went away to college.

From that time to now I have had difficulty putting this in the past and leaving it there. Thanks to the Midwest's program, this past summer, I was able to pull myself out of the hole that I had been for so long. I forgave myself for all of this and it helped put me in a much better frame of mind. I was much better for Lynda and Daniel. But, I still live with the shame of being a failure as a Dad and husband.

To have failed this child is still difficult to live with. That's what's been bugging me the last couple of weeks. I believe he's still going through pain, though how much I don't know. He doesn't feel that I love and accept him unconditionally. He's still listening to bands that I consider to be self-destructive, I think he may drink occassionally, but I have no idea how much.

The good that I meant for him playing basketball turned out to be very destructive for him. But that wasn't my motivation, nevertheless, that's how it turned out. Then my leaving a dozen times added to it. It seems like whatever I touch gets destroyed.

Last night this was bothering me and I wanted to be rid of it. I tried to tell Lynda about it, but she's a very stable person and told me that it was the past and to leave it in the past. I told her that it's not the past because Daniel is still hurting today. She said that he wasn't hurting, he is doing fine at school. From there the tone of my voice escalated and we got into an argument.

I love this child so much, and I know that he still loves me. He's more grownup than me in some ways. He can get on with his life and try and put this behind him. I don't know if I can do that. This wasn't supposed to happen. The love that I had for him as a little boy is still there. I want him to be okay. I wanted to have a close relationship with him. He never brings friends over I assume because of me. He has his social life and his home life and both are kept seperate.

I hope that with the help of the program I can get to a stable point and work again. I feel empty because the child that I loved so much, who wanted me to spend time with him so much is now a different person who is trying to get on with his life. I think I'm stuck. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I don't know if I can pick myself up and get on with my life. What I do recognize is that my emotional stability is dependent upon Daniel and how I "think" he is doing and how I "think" he views me. Try as I did, I feel that I lost the love of that little boy and it seems that I can never be good enough to get it back.

Don
You recognize you have trouble controling your anger. I'd say that's a positive step. Not wanting to hurt yourself or your family is positive too. Sounds like you're figuring out the problem and interventions. It's a tough condition. Let us know how you're doing.
Tammy

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am not sure if you are just venting or looking for advice, so if you are, here is my 2 cents worth. When I read through your post, a couple of things stand out to me. It appears that you are stuck in a circle of being angry and then regretting that you got angry. You also obviously love your wife and son.

Anger can be a very difficult thing to deal with because it is so powerful but with it balanced against the love you have for your family (which is more powerful), I think you could get it under control, if you want to bad enough. Unfortunately, I am not a doctor and therefore can't give you any specifics of how to deal with it (maybe there is a medical reason????). I can, however, keep you in my prayers and know that I hope you fight this and get rid of your pain.

Don,

Along with this program, I highly recommend a book called Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. Read it through. Ask your son if he is willing to do a workshop (three days only) with you. The workshop is called Shadow Processing and its effects are amazing. Just three days, Don - three powerful days with your son. Her website is (so you can check her schedule as to when the next workshop is)www.fordsisters.com

Accepting yourself, all of yourself, is so important to your healing. Work on this. Be patient with the process. Every step you take is a step forward.

Blessings,
Bon

Tammy,

Thanks, for your response. The program has given me success in dealing with hurts of the past for whatever reason and I am hopeful that going back to the tapes and journaling will enable me to work out of my current thought patterns and get me back to stable ground again. Thank God for this program. Thanks, again, I appreciate your response. God bless you.

phoenix,

I think I simply need to get back into the program and relearn what's available from it. I'm a sensitive person, overly sensitive, and I hate to hurt anyone, but especially my wife. Last night scared me and when I spilled the paint all over the rug, I just crumbled. I don't want to hurt her or my son anymore. I want this to stop. But it keeps happening. Thanks very much for your reply and your prayers. God bless.

grateful,

Thank you for your post. I can identify with seeing things through dark glasses. This last summer and into the fall the program pulled me out of a hole that I had been in for a long time. At that point I realized that my negative thinking and not loving and forgiving myself had a lot more power over me than I had realized. The dark glasses filter was removed at that point. But, now it seems to be back. I agree with what you say about being my own best friend and relearning to think positively about myself. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm going to go back and go through the tapes again and start journaling again. I quit when I got to a point of stability and functioning that was so much better. A couple of times I have written long replies to someone's post only to lose them. Thanks for the time you put into it. I understand that you spent a considerable amount of time on it and lost all of it. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. And thank God for this program. God bless you and your family.

Bon,

Thank you for your concern. I agree, accepting and loving and forgiving me is crucial to healing, as is getting rid of guilt. I guess I'm beginning to view the Midwest's program the same way that someone would view Alcoholics Anonymous. I've got to stay with and work the program continually, every day. Thank God for it. I will look up the website and give it consideration. Thanks for your reply. God bless you.

Everyone,

I think what I have written is lengthy and could be a trigger for some. I think that I will remove it very soon. Thanks for your help and replies.