I have a problem that's been going on most of my marriage. We've been married for 13 years. The first few years were pretty great, then, we had a child and so many things changed. My husband never thought our lives would be changed that much and I think it was a shock for him. He lost the one on one attention he was so used to getting. I devoted much of my time and attention to our son. He didn't know how to compete or step in and be involved. We fought over that. I felt very guilty, but also felt that our baby needed us-our time and attention. Then, he started to complain over problems with my parents. My mother in particular. She is a very loving person, but she is also head strong, a worrier and negative about others. It bugged my husband immensely when she came and stayed with us for a few days when my son was born. She adjusted the thermosthat without asking my husband, she complained that the water heater was too hot when washing her hands, she denied that she was trying to get my son to suck his thumb when he was first born. He exploded on her and told her he never wanted to see her again. All hell broke lose back then and it continues off and on to this day. I am continuously caught in the middle of this. (My parents have lived out of state since my son Charlie was 6 months old). My husbands lived in our basement off and on for the first 3-4 years because of our arguements. He told me I always had an excuse for everything. Be it for my son's behavior, my spending too much on groceries or why something was the way it was. Sometimes he wouldn't speak to me for days. We were very close to divorce back then. Somehow, we made it past that point and things have gotten better, but life still tends to be a roller coaster when it comes to my husband. He tends to be the hard ass and I am more laid back. He can be very loving, but his temper really gets the better of me. This causes a lot of stress and anxiety for me. My parents were here for a visit a couple weeks ago. He is very apprehensive whenever they are coming for a visit. He says I hope everything goes good and we don't get into a pissing contest. He says I never stand up to them. They like to sleep in our camper so we hooked that all up for them. The second day they were here, we went garage sale-ing. This guy wanted $2.00 for this little oil decanter. I thought to myself that was too much and wasn't going to buy it, but ended up buying it. (Yes, assertiveness with some things is a down fall of mine). We all got back into the truck and my mom gave me I shouldn't have bought that talk. I told her that I guess I shouldn't have, but said guess I'll have to work a little more on that! (My husband was angry at that). Then, we got home and my son had a punching balloon in the kitchen. He was punching it and my husband and dad were watching TV. My husband, Mark, turned up the TV. I said to Charlie, oh, I think that they can't hear the TV. My mom picks the ballon up and starts to punch on it. Mark got up and went up stairs and laid down. The next morning they were leaving. My dad unplugged the power cord and rolled it up, shut off the water heater and put the hose away-locked everything up and gave me the keys. It was a rainy day. That night when Mark got home. He says "why didn't they put the lawn chairs away?" (These were chairs I'd taken off the bed in the trailer and set them out leaning against the trailer) I said I don't know, it was raining and maybe my dad didn't see them. He says "yeah, right." I told him everybody's not perfect and stuff happens. He says "and why did your mom continue to punch that balloon after she knew I couldn't hear to TV? She looked right at me and did it!" I didn't see any "looK" on her face. I said I didn't know. I told her to stop and she did. He thinks she deliberately did it to tick him off. He also said "She is so negative! Is that all she does is talk bad about other people? I can't stand to listen to her and if you don't talk to her I will" If he talks to her, he won't be very nice. He'll yell and cuss at her. She is always helpful whenever she is here. I have to admit that since I've been taking this program, that I do notice more of her negativity, but she's been this way for 62 years and who am I to change her?? To me, this is my mother and I love her dearly. I can over look things and let it roll off, but he cannot. I feel that he is being immature and could stand not to be so critical. What can I do? I don't know what to do about any of this? Any advise you can offer would be helpful on how to handle this? Thanks!

I know how it is to have a negative, critical mother! I grew up with that, which is why I'm that way today. She used to yell at me all the time. She claimed it was always because of my "tone of voice" even when I KNEW I'd done nothing wrong. I grew extremely defensive and angry and I doubted myself all the time. I also blamed myself ENTIRELY for HER anger! My mother did change, however, WHEN I CHANGED! I set new, and healthy, boundries for our relationship. She was mad at first. She even hung up on me several times after I moved out. And when she got to angry on the phone after that, I would say, "I'm not going to have a fight with you. I'm going to hang up and I will call you back when I feel ready to talk to you." And I hung up! Guess what? She doesn't yell on the phone anymore. I even told her I didn't want to hear all the negative things she says about my Dad (who divorced her several years ago). Whenever she'd say them, I'd say very calmly, "I don't want to hear all that negative talk. You didn't have to say that." After a while, she responded, "You're right. I didn't have to say that." ---Bottom line is: I set the boundries and she had no choice but to adhere. If she didn't, I wouldn't talk to her.

I agree that it would be hard for her to change, but she's not the only one who should. It sounds like your husband needs to identify his anger and deal with that on his own. Like when he asked YOU why your father didn't put away the chairs or why your mother punched the bag... How are you suppossed to know? He seemed to be taking his anger towards them out on you because he apparently thinks you can, or should, control them.

Maybe you could explain to him that you cannot control what they do or say just like he can't. Ask him why the punching on the bag and leaving the chairs out angered him so much. Is it because he felt it was thoughtless of them and therefore disrespectful? Did he think they did it on purpose? What if it was an accident? Is there really cause for so much anger? Ask him why he asked you about their actions? Did he think it was your idea? Did he think they came to you and said, "I'm gonna leave these chairs out in the rain to make him mad!"? Once he's identified why it angered him so much (Like, he thought they did it on purpose, which showed a lack of respect) he could talk to them about it! You'd have to be there to mediate, I think, but he could say, "I feel like you did those things on purpose, which made me feel like you don't respect me."

Explain to him that his anger shouldn't be directed at you. And if it is truly directed at them, ANALYZE IT! I tell the kids to fill in the sentence, "I feel ________ because..." Tell him he needs to express his anger in words and in a calm manner so you two can work them through. Once you've identified the reasons, ask him what he expected. Did he expect them to remember to put the chairs away? Why not give your father credit for taking care of everything else? He took care of disconnecting that stuff and shutting it down so HE wouldn't have to. That was an act of generosity.

*** This would even be an excellent thing to bring your child in on! (If he's old enough). Let him watch you two discussing Dad's anger so he can learn to express his in an appropriate way. You'll be SHOCKED how much of your conversations he'll memorize AND use at appropriate times! You'll find him saying, "Tommy, you made me feel mad when you took my toy away without asking." This HEALTHY behavior will really sink in!

Explain to your husband that you are learning a lot of new things in this program that have helped you calm down and be happy and you want that for him, too. He doesn't have to do the whole program, but you could use it as a guide to help him through rough patches. (You could even make up an excuse, like, "I've noticed our son gets angry and screams and yells. I know he looks up to you, so I thought you could teach him how to handle his anger better."

Before you see your parents next, ask him what he expects to happen and why. Help him make positive and realistic expectations for THEIR behavior as well as his reactions. He can expect them to "do something to make him mad" (purposely or not). How will he expect himself to react? Give examples of good and bad reactions. Lay out a plan for what he can do when he feels the anger building up and how he can release it. Maybe he could ask to see you in the next room and you could help him release his anger. You could ask him why he feels that way, what did he expect to happen, and what can be done about it without anger. Or you could come up with a code. When you see him getting angry you could cue him to calm down by touching him on the shoulder.

When he's ready, you could even bring your parents in on this plan. When they arrive, you could sit down for talk to say, "I know there have been many rough patches for all of us, but we need to work them out NOW." You could even say it's all for YOU! Explain how hard it is to be stuck in the middle and find yourself having to choose sides. Tell them it's time to put an end to it, and they are ALL going to have to try. I did that when my parents got divorced. My Mom was using me to communicate to my Dad, but when I put my foot down and said, "You want to talk to him? You do it. I'm sick of being in the middle, so I'm not anymore." AND IT WORKED! Tell them this is really hard for you and it's making your anxiety worse instead of better, so if they want YOU to be happy, they need to participate to the best of their abilities.

I'd love to keep typing, but this is so long. Let me know if you need any more tips. I'm a teacher, so I'd love to help you teach your family to be nice! I also kinda want to know how it works out!

Best wishes! And don't let them treat you or each other like this anymore. Just say, "That's it. It changes now!" And make it happen!

Ms. Purple

Wow! That was my longest post EVER!!!!

Hi Ms. Purple, Sorry for taking so long to respond. Thank you for your response. You were the only one who did. The thought of this whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. I do think that my parents have made some positive changes over the last few years such as asking to help or asking if they can do something before they just do it and also like my dad trying to be helpful like with the trailer. My husband seems to think I always have an excuse for everything. I think it's only natural to have a response to every situation and to try and look for the positive in it. It is defeating to me when he says that and you can see the disapproval in his eyes and actions. It's not fun. It's quite stressful and I feel resentful towards him often. I feel discredited by him by what I feel or say. I wish this side of him never existed, but it does. He always wonders why he has to be the bigger person. I say it's not about being the bigger person, it's about being able to handle things in a lighter way/tone and still being able to get your point across.

He sees them 2-3 times a year for about 3-4 days at a time. I think he can change a little too.

I'll have to print out your response so I can take some pointer from you and try to make a plan. Thank you so much for your response.

Jodi,

You ar trying to please everyone here and THAT will not happen...everyone is NOT going to have it "there way!". Your mom may be like my grandmother with regards to doing something when she KNOWS it will be annoying, she just does it for attention whether positive or negative.It can seem so very innocent, but we all know her too well and there usually is nothing innocent about it.

Ms. Purple has a great idea, all need to sit down and air things out. Your husband has some greivances with your mother and your mom seems to know what buttons to puch to get your husband going. Maybe both like control? Whatever the case, you are not the middle man needing to please all involved. You husband probably could stand to be a bit more tolerant of her and she probably could stand to be understanding of him. This may be hard because each of them may have an idea of what they expect from the other. In any case, your husabd needs to understand that you do not control you mother and if he has issue, he should take it up with her in a calm, adult manner. Getting all bent at her is not going to gain any points from her, in fact it just may give her more reason to do the things she does that irritate your husband. We also will never get along 100% with everyone, so I would not hope for a loving, hugs and cuddle relationship...but it could happen. Respect and understand extended to those that do not demonstrate it may go a long way in mending this relationship.

Their stay is so very short, and the fact they even want to visit your son is more than my dads parents ever did for us. He should be exstatic at that fact! Do not take it to heart, you cannot change how people are. If neither budge, both are stubborn and need to grow up. I lost my father 3 years ago when he was 58. If I could go back and not be so darn stubborn, I would have. Time is so short, why quibble over stuff that really does not matter. If I saw my father for an hour or two here and there (or until he got drunk and out of control) I know that would have meant so much to him and maybe I could have seen some positive change in him. He still drank, but maybe there was something...something I will never see. Like that book, DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!", that is SO true! Also, my MIL is very controlling, domineering, not too pleased I am not German, and is not the nicest person to me, not warm, very clinical and always "better" than me. It used to get me, but now I just do not care, that stuff she gets all weird about and tried to get everyone else all worked up is just NOT worth it, I have learned to tune it out. I laugh about it just to get through sometimes, but she does not control what I think about myself, she can say things that make me feel bad NO MORE! I just shoot it right back at her and let her know that I am a person and I am not going to be treated that way. It worked! I hope things work out for you too!

Jodi,

I agree with schnauzermom that you don't have to please everybody. I think that's what my advice earlier was aimed at. I was thinking, "How could she help smooth things over between them so they can be happier?" It's only now I realize you DON'T have to please everybody. (That's such a knee-jerk reaction for me, I tend to forget.)

I still stand by my advice from earlier, and I would say to let them work it out themselves, but you have not only one power-hungry family member, but two! I think you should help them both through this so they can find a common, middle ground. If you just let them go at it, someone will end up in the hospital!

Also, your answer to your husband's question, "Why do I always have to be the bigger person?" could be, "because adults should be the bigger people. My mother's acting like a child, trying to push your buttons to get you to react the way she wants. You can show her you're the adult and you won't let her childish behavior affect you any longer." Maybe it would help him to view her as a child. Honestly, that has helped me greatly when dealing with my own mother. I say to my fiance, "why does she call me and ask me why her life is so bad? I can't do anything about it!" He says, "it's because she's a child. She wants you to take care of her." And actually, I think your mother sees him as a child because he lets her push his buttons.

Schnauzermom,

I'm a little confused about when you said that if you could have been less stubborn you would have spent more time with your father because it could have changed his life for the better. I'm having a problem with my Dad at the moment. He left my family (after being with my Mom for 29 years) when I started college. He cut my Mom, my sister and I from his life and I got angry. He got a new family and to this day does not understand why what he did would have an effect on my sister and I. He says, "I left your mother, not you." But he did leave us! I started talking to him about 4 years later (so, last year) when he finally told me the truth and said, "I miss you" which I had NEVER heard him say. I started telling him the truth and we started talking through emails.

The serious-issue talking ceased, however, when he could not admit that what he did hurt me. That's all I want him to understand, and since he can't, I don't see that our serious talks can progress. He wants to see me, but I don't want to see him. We're basically the same person, so I know he just wants validation. He wants approval from me, the most important of his original family because we're so much alike, that his choice was OK and that I approve of his new family. I won't give him that approval, because I don't feel what he did was right.

Anyway, my question is, am I just being stubborn? Should I set aside my feelings and try to do what's best for him by seeing him and spending time with his new family? Should I do that for him even though I don't want that for me? 'Cause you said seeing your father could have improved his life. I know it would improve my father's life, but I've cut people out of my life for hurting me WAY LESS than he did, so why should he get such special treatement from me? I don't feel that he treats me like a father should, and I don't want him in my life really. What do you think? Would you mind telling me the situation between you and your father so I can better understand what you meant by being stubborn? I'm just looking for some guidance in the "parents" category! I've even tried Tarrot cards! (which say to cut out the relationships that have a negative influence)