Hello:

I now realize that due to factors in my upbringing (physical and emotional abuse, instability, etc.) and my own emotional makeup which the concensus has always been that I'm "overly sensitive", I've suffered from anxiety and depression to an extreme degree my entire life. I just thought there was some innate weakness in me, some character defect, that prohibited me from following through in any number of areas, a sabotage or self destructive strain, that have laid to waste any measure of success I have worked toward and hoped for. Its a relief to know WHAT it is.

After a notable amount of therapy and a stint on anxiety and depression meds that helped me through a tremendously horrible period with anxiety, uncertainty and wild thoughts, I've realized its do or die. Either I get control of and heal myself of this stuff or be filled with regret and heartache over a life missed and unfullfilled potential.

To top it off I was diagnosed with what should have been a death sentence in 1989 and must live with the very real possiblity of a shorter lifespan. The psychological toll this has taken, I can even begin to quantify.

The problem I'm faced with is that now that I'm at midlife and my identity has been in many ways who I am as this anxious and depressed person, I don't know what I want or in some ways who I am outside of the condition. I'm finding it all very hard. Maybe I'm still trying to control things and over intellectualize things.

What I'm throwing out there for discussion is does it matter what has caused the anxiety and depression? For those with more time in this program, does it just start subsiding? Is it realistic given numerous sources to expect a full recovery? A therapist once told me that I could only expect to function at 80% given my life experience. Thanks for any feedback and best wishes to all.

Life is full of stresses and pressures. I think people are born with an innate ability to deal with them. Some people deal with things better naturally, some dont. There is obviously a breaking point for all people. For those like us, maybe we were born a little more sensitive, a little less naturally able to deal with things. However naturally ability whether its dealing iwth anxiety or getting a degree or being a baseball player, will never be more valuable that hardwork. So what does this mean for you? I think it means that while bad things have happened, and they are harder for you to deal with, that hard work can overcome them. The good things about learning skills, rather than being naturally less anxious, is that if something really bad happens, the person who relied on thier natural calmness all thier lives won't know how to deal with a crisis, while an anxious person that has learned coping skills will. I think if you keep working hard, and trying, things will get better. Just putting an effort in makes a difference. Even if its just a little at a time, eventaully things build up, and improve.
As for the therapist, What does 80% functional mean? Whenever I feel bad about myself or about my ability to recover (and believe me, I feel like this and nothing really that bad has ever happened to me), I think of stories about people who were refugees, have had thier parents killed, have had horrible lives, but rise above it all and become healthy happy adults. There are these people out there. If they can do it, we all can do it. Just by reckognizing you need help and getting it, your already on your path to living a beter life. THe point is, As long as you keep putting effort in, things will eventually improve.

Thank you so much for the encouragement...and for taking the time to read what I wrote..I think one of the problems with me is that my anxiety often KEEPS me from sticking with things...but I'm determined to see this program through.

I loved what you said about hardwork...that's so true...

I really liked two of the things that both of you said:

"Either I get control of and heal myself of this stuff or be filled with regret and heartache over a life missed and unfullfilled potential."

"The good things about learning skills, rather than being naturally less anxious, is that if something really bad happens, the person who relied on thier natural calmness all thier lives won't know how to deal with a crisis, while an anxious person that has learned coping skills will."

These two statements resonated with me SO much. I'm on Session 6, really enjoying and learning from it, and I think that it is possible to learn more effective skills and improve one's life. In addition to the program, I have also been reading the "Self Talk" books by Shad Helmstetter, and I have been LOVING them!! In fact, I want to try recording some self talk statements that I can play to myself during the day. I bought a tape recorder/player and blank tapes and, as time has permitted, I have been writing statements that I think will work well for me, as well as writing down statements I read and hear that I particularly like. One that I seems to run through my head (which I haven't even written down yet) that seems to be helping diffuse some of my social anxiety is: "You can always simply communitcate with the person if something is wrong. You have good communication skills." (I should write that down *grins*). I also believe that we're all works in progress, and that nothing ever really stays constant (chalk that up to my interest in Buddhism *big smile*).

Who needs a therapist with folks like you guys!!

Its so insidious how my negativity creeps in there...we are all works in progress...a beautiful point...

I guess I tend to judge my past harshly because I've got that perfectionistic and if only if and what if thing going on...

Thanks for your comments and help....