I started on session 3 today because I thought I was ready to move on and I am, BUT, I have a major problem. I think one of the reasons I am like I am is because every word out of my husbands mouth is negative. All day today I was turning his negatives into possitives I got totally exhausted. Finally i started yelling at him, thats the only way to shut him up. Its hard because we work together and it seems like I do all the work and he sits back. Don't even get me started with that. Back to the problem:
I can't do this for him all day I have to do this for me so what do i do ignore him? The first few hours was fun but towards the end of the day it was torture for me to keep possitive about anything he said. And yes we own a business together so we have to work together. I told him today that I quit beccause he drags me down. Deep down inside I know if I quit we will lose the business. As far as myself every time I got anxious which was every 15 minutes I talked myself down or started my breathing excerise. I am well on my way to beating this monster after 12 years . But now I have to figure out a way to climb this husband obsticle.
Any adice would be appreciated

When I began the program I was around one of these people, too. This person added insults to the chronic negative stuff. I decided, I cannot fix their head or their mouth. I certainly don't want to bog down in trying to tweak their brain. I will do this program. I will tune them out. Carolyn offered me excellent responses (to their negativity) on another post. Go over to the Depression Forum. Look up the post about responding to someone who says negative things about you, to you. It might help you, too. As for bogging down trying to help your husband, you CANNOT change him. Do the program. Stay with it. Change yourself. Help yourself. In the end of 15 weeks, your head will be in a different place, and it will be healthier. He is mostly an obstacle to himself. Don't let him be a rock in your road. Best of luck.

It is so hard when all he does is complain about his life and others. I myself chuckle within because he is the way he is. But when you have to live with such a miserable person it is soo hard to stay happy. I tell myself all the time, when I get better I can leave. I tried to reinforce the household rule.
1. be nice to each other
2. always compliment ones achievements
3. No yelling use our inside voice
4. make time for eachother
5. no selfish acts
My 14 years old and I have become alot closer and kinder to each other. My husband is a hard example of pure selfishness. I am not going down this road with him anymore. Its time for me now. Thats my possitive thought for the moment

Good Morning spun2tite and Pecos,

Great advice from Pecos as always.

I really feel you are thinking the right way about getting away from your unhappy husband even though there are some complications about the business falling apart. You must come first and sounds like you do know that and are really working hard at self improvement..congrats on that!!

If you have a joint bank account and no separate money for you I think if it were me I would be opening my own account and putting money away for what you will need to make it on your own. Most women don't do this and end up with no way to leave. I understand about the business not making a go without you there as my husband and I had our own business for 8 years. I did all the office work, orders, shipping, payed the bills, did the tax payments, etc. My husband did a lot of the physical work but had no idea how to run the business in too many ways. We closed it many years ago and now he works for a company. He's a hard worker and always has been but just not a busines man.

Anyway enough about that. If you can't get to a point of mutual peace and get him into counselling or somehow make him see the light and how his behaviour is affecting you and the marriage then do what you have to do to find inner peace. Life is too short to let someone else drag you into their pit of darkness. Can you sell the buiness?
If you want to divorce him then likely that will be done anyways unless he can buy you out or vice versa as it's community property I would think. Laws are different in various areas.

I will end this novel by wishing YOU much success in what ever road you take.

God Bless and Good Luck

Great advice Monty's Mom.

I don't have to worry about bank accounts I have 1 bank account that he knows about and 2 he dosen't. He is not on any of the accounts or the houses. I figured out along time ago that he is incapable of holding onto money. As far as the business it is in my name only, he basically works for me. LOL. I keep telling him to find another job and go off on his own. Another thing I came to notice is I know he likes me depending on him. As far as counseling he doesn't feel there is any thing wrong with our marriage, HA. He is blind to all that. He doesn't want to hear it. Some days are good and some are bad. I will get through this, expecially with the help of this site.
Thanks again

Goood Morning spun2tite,

Wow that is great that you have control over the money and business. So many (mainly women ) don't even have a dime put away just in case there is a problem and they need to get out of a relationship or marriage, Good For You!!

It's funny how so many( men especially ) don't think there is any problems within a marriage. Are thry wearing rose colored glasses or what!

I was married to one who never saw any problems in our relationship even after I left him. I spent the last 5 years of that marriage trying to get him to see there were many problems.

I guess it's that women and men just really don't think the same...any thought's on anything so far??

Well you are doing such a good thing for yourself by using the program and I know you will be okay and likely will have grown so much and have the self esteem and skills to handle everything and anything during the rest of your happy life.

I wish you all the best...do what it takes to be kind and think of yourself.

God Bless,
Deborah

spun2tite,
I can totally relate to u. My husband is the exact same way. He is a very negative person, and tends to deal with his problems through alcohol. I always try to use postive reinforcement with him, yet sometimes it seems hopeless. When we are in that situation, it does tend to bring us down, doesn't it? However, we have recently begun marriage counseling, and he has been going to church with me on a regular basis. It does seem to be helping. One thing I have learned is: if you keep being positive and he sees that joy you have about you, it will rub off on him. Trust me, you can lead by example. Good luck and stay focused!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by linz360:
spun2tite,
I can totally relate to u. My husband is the exact same way. He is a very negative person, and tends to deal with his problems through alcohol.
just a little from my past can't do much till he gets off the alcohol! anything that u try to do other then help get him off the alcohol is a waste of time. I have been there so i can say this to you