Late last night I was sitting outside looking at the night sky and I bagan to have a train of thought about how I've been living my life. I've never thought about my life in these terms before and found it interesting so I thought I'd share it.

I have spent a lot of time and energy actively engaging in the flight or fight response without really realizing it. I've been thrilled to take on a difficult project at work that nobody else thinks is possible (fight), I am painfully quiet in group situations (flight). Most of the responses that I have with people throughout the day typically involve either the fight or flight response for me. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't dream actually fighting - that would be rude (hee, hee)... I simply get all wrapped up in things and get very emotionally attached to creating change - to be a bit more honest, I get plain, old stubborn. It's very exhausting behavior and frustrating to boot.

When I realized the truth in my thought process, I decided to explore these feeling further to imagine what I would feel like if I didn't need to fight and didn't need to flee. Once I tried to imagine that, I suddenly couldn't imagine why I've been feeling the need to fight everyone about everything. What, I thought, is the big deal about having to take on everything to make it right - maybe if I could let it be, I could just be ME... and what would that feel like? I have to say - I don't know if it was the late night hour, the fresh air, the quiet woods all around me or what, but in that moment, I felt what it was like to just be me - no self doubt, no rightious thoughts, no feelings of being overwhelmed - I just plain sat there and was happy in that one moment. Gives me hope that there's more to come for all of us :-) Ann

That's awesome Taifun.
Keep that night special in your mind and take it where ever you go.

Best wishes

Hi Taifun, I can't wait until I can feel that way.....you give us all hope. nlou

I also have those moments. I also have lived my life fight or flight. I am in one at this very moment with my living arrangements ... again.
Its not PERFECT, they don't APPRECIATE ME,I'm leaving.
I have no place to go.I started going on sugardaddie sites thinking I could find a well off guy to "take care of me".
It is just another way to run run run TO someone else to ask for approval, to ask if I am doing ok,everything Lucinda talks about in session 3.
Don't get me wrong. I've been on my own since 12th grade, never had any assistance & just turned 50. I would love a SUGARDADDIE. A real live one that could just pick up the tab and LOVE , WORSHIP, ADORE & allow me to ADORE HIM!!!
But I am seeking this fantasy relationship out of fear. My own fear of so many years of failure from being bi-polar, add, recovering alcoholic,and this anxiety, panic disorder.If I found a sugardaddie at this time in my life he would probably be a pretty sick puppy.
I've still got work to do. This program is going to address so many issues for me that have "falling through the cracks" with all the other disorders I
I've needed to address.
I want to be 100% myself. I am so talented. I have so much to offer. Thanks everyone.

susie wrenn, I have to say after going through a divorce I too went on sites to meet someone special. At the time I didn't have the panic attacks they had been gone for a very long time. I could do and go anywhere. Well, I finally met someone special and we are together. The one negative to this is that after 2 years that we were together my panic attacks and all the fears came back. You would think I would be in a calm place now. My relationship with him is a really good one.

Karen

At first I didn't quite follow your post, I read it fast (as I do most things) and wasn't quite sure what I just read. Then I took a moment and re-read it and realized something - I am the same way.

I can's say no to anyone regarding a project. I take it, disassemble it, see what is going on, and then implement a solution, log the results, and recap daily on an Excel spreadsheet (Definitely OCD). I bury myself in the stress, fight back when I get resistance, argue my points, and then, when it doesn't become 100%, get quiet, sulk, get frustrated, and get consumed in anger and frustration.

As an aside, when the homework requested we write down our angry thoughts, I struggled, and still am, with that. Why? Because as I looked at my thoughts, I realized that I would wind up spending my entire day writing. I have very few positive thoughts. Ask me for an example of a negative thought, and I would struggle to pick just the right one - there are so many. Awsk me for a positive one, and I will tell you I can't think of one.

I understand the lesson for this week, but I am having trouble with the content. I know it is right, but I don't believe it.

Sorry, I got off the point of your post. I wish I could get to the point you have with that experience at night. When I get quiet, my mind fills the void, unfortunately with less than pleasant thoughts.

Jim