Hi
My name is Amber, and I've been dealing with anxiety/depression for about 8 years. Well, probaby most of my life, but I started getting treated about 8 years ago. I was doing well for the most of the 8 years... the happiest day of mt life was my wedding last year. Recently we've been planning to start a family, so with the help of my doctor, I started weaning off of my meds (I wanted to try my best to not be on meds while pregnant). Well, about 4 days after I was off my meds completely, I had a relapse, probably the worst one yet. I'm depressed, anxious, and disappointed that it didn't work. My symptoms this time around are all centered around dying. It's pretty much an obsessive thought process that invades my mind every day... "Why does life matter if we're all going to die? What's the point? Why do I have to die someday...it's not fair, I want to live. Why have a baby if it will eventually grow old and die anyway? Christmas gifts are nice now, but once I'm dead, they can't do anything for me..." and it goes on and on and ON. It's not suicidal thoughts, it's thoughts on mortality. In the past, sure, these thoughts would pop up, as I'm sure they do for everbody, but I was able to put them aside and get back to focusing on the life at hand. Well now, I can't enjoy the present because I'm dwelling on the future. I don't want to die. It's not fair... and I want to learn how to accept it, like many of my loved ones seem to be able to do because I've talked to them about it, enjoy the rest of my life. I want life to no longer feel pointless, just a journey to the end. I want to be excited again to have a baby! Any advice would be greatly welcomed.
God bless,
Amber

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think we all have had those thoughts. I had a really bad anxiety attack and I could think about was dying. But i am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. God put you on this earth for a reason. We'll just have to have faith. Have you ever heard of the phrase Let go and let God? And having a baby would be such a blessing. You will get through this. Think postive. Do you go to church? I feel like that has helped me a whole lot. God Bless.

Thank you for your support Brandie, it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I guess my purpose here is still a mystery to me, but maybe this is my test so that I can discover it. I do go to church, and it does bring me some comfort. I guess I just need to fight through this fog to hear what God is trying to tell me. Thank you again
Amber

In the CDs or tapes, you'll hear lessons on dealing with obsessive, scary thoughts like the ones you've been having. However, you need help now, and though I wouldn't suggest leaping ahead of your starting point, I would like to offer some suggestions.
First, anytime the thoughts start, use the image of a traffic stop sign and "pop" it up in your mind. Then, take a deep breath and repeat to yourself "thoughts...only thoughts" and focus on that until they go away. If that doesn't work, get busy with something, focus on a friend who's talking, focus on your work, focus on the television...anything to get your mind off the thoughts rolling through your head. A great idea would be to come onto the website and go into the chatroom and talk to other people. You'll find a lot of help and wisdom there.
Best of luck to you.
~Lynnier

OH MY GOSH Amber you sound just like me!!!!! I think that way too and that's what leads me into depression and anxiety! I want to figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head! Please e mail or oM me sometime so we could talk. My e mail address is paintsincerely@yahoo.com

Thank you for your helpful words, Lynnier. I am trying to find ways to slow down those thoughts and make them less scary. Still, I'm still having some trouble getting over the thought that while they are just thoughts, they are aren't "false" thoughts. Meaning, it's based in truth... so I guess that this is a harder than some of my past irrational thoughts, because with those I was able to eventually see that they were stupid. But this is a scary one because, in the long run, it's TRUE. So I'm just trying to figure out how to reconcile this and find peace and acceptance over it. This is a heavy one! Thank you for your post, and I tried out the chat room here, and liked it a lot. I think I will go there often.
Peace and God Bless!
~Amber

AMBER, I AGREE THAT IF YOU WANT TO GET PREGNANT THE MEDS. SHOULD GO. ASK YOUR DR. ABOUT TAKING SOMETHING NATURAL. I TAKE SOMETHING THAT BEGINS WITH AN 'S' I TAKE IT ONLY IF I FEEL ANXIOUS. IT WORKED FOR ME. GOOD LUCK.

Amber,

I totally understand where you're coming from. I was with my momlast Christmas when she died. It was unexpected, and I was very traumatized. Then this past April, I ended up in the emergency room and had to ahve a heart cath, which ended up putting me in the hospital for 4 days. Then I found out I have sleep apnea and have to sleep with a cpap machine. Ever since I have has a terrible fear of dying. I am a Christian and believe I'm going to heaven because Jesus died for my sins. I'm just not ready to go yet. That is my biggest cause of my anxiety. I didn't start experiencing anxiety until after I got my cpap machine. That was back in August, and I have been having anxiety/panic attacks everyday since then. I take Xanax everyday, and I'm still able to work, but have alot of anxiety throughout the day. I am on week 4 of the program, and I have been able to talk myself down from a few attacks, which is great. I plan on finishing this program, and with God's help I WILL conquer this problem and so will you. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk send me a private message. Good luck and God Bless, Lori

quote:

Originally posted by puppcake:
I was doing well for the most of the 8 years... Well, about 4 days after I was off my meds completely, I had a relapse, probably the worst one yet. I'm depressed, anxious, and disappointed that it didn't work.

What meds did you take?

I have been on meds for almost 7 years and am really scared to stop them.

I really believe that if we just hang in there and do everything we can to beat this, we can do it!

I a;so understand the fear of dying. As I get older I realize death comes closer. I also am a Christian and believe my life is never over, that it is eternal but I am human and understand the tangible. I have not got the program in my hands yet but believe that God has given me this great opportunity. I have used other workbooks and they help while I am using them. I have a relapse and it takes a while to go back to the information that helps. I do hope this program will be different.

missgsr:
I have been on Effexor XR. My doses have been up and down, depending on circumstances and the time of the year. I have been as low as 37.5mg and as high as 150mg. Like I mentioned, I weaned myself down for about a month and was completely off for about 4 days before I got really bad again. I am now gradually up to 75mg. HOWEVER don't take my story as proof it can't happen... every person is different, and if you talk to your doctor, you may be successful. Many factors may have played a part in why my attempt wasn't very successful... time of year (winter=less sunlight) and just the wrong random thought at the wrong time that took hold and wouldn't let go. But whatever you do, do it with the help of your doctor. I did not just stop cold turkey, I had my doctor working with me. Best of luck!
PEACE and God Bless
~Amber

i don't know what i'm doing right now or what i'm suppose to say well i am here to get some help i use to be a free person now i got this monkey on my back that fills my head with negative thoughts and makes me fear everything sometimes even my own son i use to think that i might heart him even though i know i would never do that i just thought i was going crazy and afraid i might lose it anybody ever feel this ???

Yes, I can relate. It's scary how not in control I am when it comes to my thoughts in the middle of an anxiety attack. I once woke up from a bad dream where a stranger was hurting someone with a knife, and I was jolted awake so badly, with my heart racing, feeling like it was happening to me. Then my racing thoughs started, and I began thinking "What if I ever hurt somebody with a knife... is that what that dream means?" And it wasn't even me in the dream... not the person with the knife, nor the person being hurt! I had nothing to do with that dream at all! Yet here I was, worrying about it. And it was just a dream, not even real! But the panic went away, and I realized it was irrational. But the fear took my control away from me. I hope this helps!
PEACE and God Bless!
~Amber