Well, I never would have believed that I would be posting something to an electronic bulletin board but now is the time!

I am in a wonderful marriage to a terrific man who treats me like a princess. I have five children who love me and three step-children that love me as well.

The problem... My husband wants to move over 1000 miles away from where we are now and I'm afraid that I'll be blamed by his family for the move since I lived where we are going to. He says it's not because of me but I fear that I am the major cause for the move.

I don't much care for the cold weather and I have many heartbreaks that haunt me where we are currently. All but one of our kids live elsewhere since there isn't a very good job market here and the one that's left is thinking about leaving.

I've made so many mistakes in my life that I suffer almost daily with guilt and "What-if" thinking. I guess I haven't learned to forgive myself yet.

I was always the confident one, the one with good grades and who could master anything. Then just over a year ago this anxiety/depression took over my life. I hate it and can't seem to get over the top.

I bought the system and made it through the first five tapes/lessons and then felt so good I didn't think I needed to go on. I also went through biofeedback and stress management sessions at the suggestion of my doctor. However, I still don't drive alone, am afraid and nervous when I'm alone and take prescription medication for anxiety.

Sometimes I don't want to leave the house to go to work. I do go and after I'm there for awhile the anxiety leaves but I find myself being more angry and hostile than I ever was in my life which makes me even more upset.

I'm just so confused. I want to move but I don't want to hurt anyone in his family and yet I don't want to move because I know things won't be the same as they were when I lived there before even though I have a few friends that are "excited" that I will be returning.

I suppose I should also say that my husband was once my best friends husband. She died in my arms four years ago and through email and phone calls the two of us gravitated to each other. There had never been anything before but it does sometimes bother me that I somehow (in my mind) betrayed her. Others have told me that she would have been happy that I was here to take care of her family and in my heart I'm sure they're right but sometimes it just upsets me.

I guess to sum it up, I just don't know what to think or do anymore. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!

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BP

Hello BethP,

Would moving be good for your husband, your children and step children, and most importantly, for you? If so, please do.

Moving away should never hurt any relationship. If a relationship cannot stand the test of distance, there is something foundamentally wrong with the relationship. The distance just brings the problems into the surface.

I am glad you are realistic that things will not be the same as before in your 'hometown' (perhaps?)

Good luck,

drop

Hi Beth,
My heart goes out to you. You must do what you feel is right for you. Who cares what everyone else thinks anyways? Talk to your husband and your family and see how they really feel about the move. I think that you are right... your best friend would be happy that you are caring for her children and that you got married. She wouldn't want anyone to be unhappy. Life is tough enough. I am glad that you have the program. Have to tried listening to the tapes again? Don't beat yourself up for having to take medication for your anxiety. I think that it is great that there are medications that can help us when we need it.
Most of all, know that you are not alone. This forum is a great source of comfort and information.
God
Bless!
Lora

Most likely the move would be good for my husband and I. As for the kids, the last two are entering grad school this fall. The area we are planning on relocating to would be one with lots for all of the kids/grandkids to do. So, yes, it would be a good move as far as bringing the kids back for visits.

Thanks for reminding me that distance should not have an effect on a relationship if it is a solid one. There have been people that I have been "friends" with that have dropped out of my life and then there are the ones that you don't see for years and it's as though it was just yesterday!

I appreciate your wisdom.

quote:

Originally posted by drop:
Hello BethP,

Would moving be good for your husband, your children and step children, and most importantly, for you? If so, please do.

Moving away should never hurt any relationship. If a relationship cannot stand the test of distance, there is something foundamentally wrong with the relationship. The distance just brings the problems into the surface.

I am glad you are realistic that things will not be the same as before in your 'hometown' (perhaps?)

Good luck,

drop

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BP

Dear Beth,
I know having anxiety is very tough. I'd suggest you start the program over. Do what the tapes suggest. Eating right, exercising, replacing thoughts, etc. Just take it one tape at a time. Take your life one day at a time. It is time for you to take care of yourself. Sounds like you have a plate full of taking care of alot of others. When ever a thought pops in your head about what someone else is thinking put up your giant stop sign. First, you don't know what anyone else actually thinks, and second, you can do nothing about what they think anyways. So why stress over that! Let it go and realize you and your husband are making decisions for yourselves. No one else has that right, and only you two will have to really live with those decisions. What ever you both decide will be fine. If you don'tlike where you move to you can always move again. Its more important that you take care of yourself and love your family, not where you do that at. Don't try to please others-there are too many opinions out there to please everyone. The program has some great tapes on guilt and what if thinking. Its time to put yourself first and enjoy the process. You can get over this. It will take work and patience and determination to continue the program. I know moving is a big thing, but try to what if in the positive. What if I love where I'm going to live? What if the kids and grandkids love it too? What if I meet wonderful people? What if my husbands job is great? What if I can get over this anxiety and depression? Take care, Reena

Reena,

Thanks for giving me a "light bulb moment"! By reminding me to change my "What ifs" to positives instead of negatives.

I have started the tapes over and am determined to make it through this time. My family will just have to realize that I need time outs to do it and respect that. Which, I believe they will.

Putting myself first is not something I've done too often in my life but those times that I have it's felt wonderful. So... I'm going to give it a shot and try to remember that I'm worth it!

Thanks for your advice and input!

Beth

quote:

Originally posted by Reena:
Dear Beth,
I know having anxiety is very tough. I'd suggest you start the program over. Do what the tapes suggest. Eating right, exercising, replacing thoughts, etc. Just take it one tape at a time. Take your life one day at a time. It is time for you to take care of yourself. Sounds like you have a plate full of taking care of alot of others. When ever a thought pops in your head about what someone else is thinking put up your giant stop sign. First, you don't know what anyone else actually thinks, and second, you can do nothing about what they think anyways. So why stress over that! Let it go and realize you and your husband are making decisions for yourselves. No one else has that right, and only you two will have to really live with those decisions. What ever you both decide will be fine. If you don'tlike where you move to you can always move again. Its more important that you take care of yourself and love your family, not where you do that at. Don't try to please others-there are too many opinions out there to please everyone. The program has some great tapes on guilt and what if thinking. Its time to put yourself first and enjoy the process. You can get over this. It will take work and patience and determination to continue the program. I know moving is a big thing, but try to what if in the positive. What if I love where I'm going to live? What if the kids and grandkids love it too? What if I meet wonderful people? What if my husbands job is great? What if I can get over this anxiety and depression? Take care, Reena

You are so worth it. My family respects that when I'm laying down to let me be. I told them don't bother me unless the house is on fire! You have to just take that time to listen to your relaxation tape and to exercise. At first I felt like all I was doing was my anxiety work. I felt awkward doing things for me. I'm better at it now, but still let things keep me from it. Let go of the guilt. Other people do what they want so I can too!!! Anyways, hope you have a good day. Reena