In lesson 8, one of the action assignments is to notice when we use circular thinking and to jump out of it. Does anyone really know what this means? I think it means stop dwelling on the same thought over and over with no resolution to the thought. If so, how do you stop thinking about something that really bothers you and stresses you out. I don't really know how to jump out of it.

I'll tell you guys what's going on. 2 days ago, the tenant below us in our apartment building knocked on our door and told us to stop banging the walls every 15 minutes. We told him that we weren't making any noise. We were quietly sitting watching tv. I had a migraine that night as well and wanted everything quiet and dark. It pissed us off so much that he was accusing us of these things and threatening to call the police when we were doing absolutely nothing. Anyway, this guy has been hearing noises for a year now and keeps blaming us for them. Even when we are not home, he's blaming us. The building supervisors believe us and think the guy downstairs is a little nuts since he's the only one in the building hearing these noises. I think it is a plumbing issue( rattling pipes etc.) Anyway, this issue is not being resolved by management. They've had 3 different plumbers in and nothing has been resolved.

I just can't stop thinking about the guy downstairs and it's giving me tension headaches. I think I can't take the fact that he dislikes me. I guess I still want everyone to like
me. I know I've done nothing wrong and it seems like no matter what I say, he doesn't believe me. It's so frustrating. How do I stop thinking about this guy? I don't want to give him any power in my life or my thoughts yet I keep reliving the whole situation 2 days ago in my head.

TRICIA, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I CANT STAND WHEN SOMEONE ACCUSES ME OF SOMETHING THAT I DIDNT DO. AS LONG AS THE MANAGERS KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE CLEAR THAN IT IS HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. THE NEXT TIME HE COMES TO YOUR DOOR I WOULD JUST TELL HIM VERY NICELY, THAT YOU ARE NOT MAKING THE NOISES HE IS HEARING AND THAT HE NEEDS TO STOP BOTHERING YOU OR YOU WILL START COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS HARRASSING YOU. WHEN YOU START TO THINK ABOUT IT PUT THAT STOP SIGN IN FRONT OF YOU MENTALLY AND TELL YOURSELF EVEN OUTLOUD, I DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM, THEN THINK OF SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND JUST REALLY THINK ABOUT THE HAPPY THING TILL THE OTHER THOUGHT PASSES. REMEMBER NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE US IN THIS LIFE AND IT DOSENT MATTER ANYWAY. AS LONG AS WE LIKE OURSELVES AND KNOW THAT WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

DONT LET HIM GET TO YOU. YOU CAN FIND THAT PEACE WITHIN YOU. BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT. GOOD LUCK! LC

Since we are analytical people, we tend to dwell on things more than others. I have this same problem, but I have really gotten better at letting these draining overwhelming thoughts just 'float' away. Just imagine your brain as having two doors letting these thoughts that make you feel uncomfortable just go in and out the other. This helps me a lot. I still have these scary unrealistic thoughts that like to haunt me for weeks sometimes but I tell myself aloud,"I'm not scared of these thoughts, they will go away and no matter how long this will take I will overcome this fear these are only thoughts just thoughts." And thats what they are, just thoughts not reality. Hope the best for you!
Take care!
Angelkeys

Tricia,
I had the same thing happen to me the other day. Some guy who doesn't even know me accusing me of something without having all the facts. At first, I felt just awful about it. Upset that this guy could think such terrible things about me and not understand that I was just trying to help someone else. Then, I got angry. What the heck is wrong with this guy that he could just lash out angrily at me for no reason?! I wanted to respond and set the guy straight.

Then, something magical happened. I suddenly realized (as a result of the AA&D program) that I was obsessing about someone I had never met and that my thoughts were, like you said, circular, spinning faster and faster with each moment that passed. As a result of this realization, I started to question my motives.

I turned my irrational thinking into rational thinking. This was the key for me.

After thinking hard about it for a little while, I realized that I was placing unrealistic expectations on both myself and this guy I had never even met. I also questioned my need to have the last word. Why? I don't need the last word. I already expressed what I wanted to express. Its his problem if he misinterpretted my good intentions. (Mind you, this is a HUGE breakthrough for me -- the realization that I don't own others reactions.)

Not everyone is going to like us and that's okay. And, we have no control over others... only control over ourselves... and that's okay, too.

You might just tell the guy to take it up with the landlord the next time he knocks on your door, or you might even ask your landlord if either you or he can be moved to a different location the next time something opens up - if that is an option for you. (shrug)

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. Try to keep your thoughts rational/truthful and don't beat yourself up for the thoughts you ARE having.

Take care!
Zair

PS. I also used the relaxation tape as a means to "break up" my circular, obsessive thoughts. It really helped. Or you might try the just plain, ole' distraction technique to break the cycle.

LC- I use what you say quite often -

"I DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM." I really find that it helps to put a perspective on the situation. Especially if I say it out loud.

Angelkeys - I like what you said about thoughts -

"thoughts just thoughts." I think that I constantly need to remind myself that thoughts aren't neccesarily real. I notice that I can stop my rambling thoughts easier than I used to, but it still takes some work.

Zair- This is a huge statement-

"Not everyone is going to like us and that's okay. And, we have no control over others." In fact, I used this way of thinking today at work when I was talking to an upset fellow employee. It made me feel so much stronger to say these things to her instead of complaining or whining along with her.

Tricia
Thanks for the good post topic! I can so relate to this. I used to live in the middle apt. sandwiched between two others. Below me was a woman on disability and I think she was very lonely. Have you ever noticed how construction companies put absolutely no insulation in multi-apt. complexes?

Anyway, this gal would grab a broom or something and pound on her ceiling (my floor) whenever she thought I was making too much noise. Once she did that when I was cooking and hit my spoon on the pan to clean it off.

She also smoked a great deal and one day she put her live cigarette ashes into her bathroom wastecan and started a fire. Her smoke alarm (which each apt. had) went off and woke me up at 8 am on New Year's Day. Needless to say, I did not get much sleep and I was pissed! I tried to wake my boyfriend up thinking "fire" - "get the hell out!", but he's a sound sleeper and would barely move. So I threw on some clothes only to go down to that scene. This silliness plus her always banging on my floor, really ticked me off. Management knew about her, but apparently didn't feel they had enough grounds to move her out. She was renting one of the low-income apts.

I used to get so mad at her that I would shake. In retrospect, I needed to let go with her more. I wasted valuable energy getting worked up about her.

I liked what LC, Angelkeys and Zair put. I also ask myself if I want to give this person "free rent" in my head and take my peace of mind. I remember to "let go and let God" and "easy does it".

To get out of circular thinking I need to repeat some affirmations to myself. I may need to do some thought replacement for 10-15 minutes if I'm really stuck, but I can't just say one thing and expect my circular thinking to stop.

Also, I notice there are certain issues I tend to do circular thinking about, and I know once those pop in my head that I need to let them go like angelkeys was talking about with the two doors.

I struggle with wanting EVERYONE to like me and am getting better at it because I've lowered my expectations. I let go of that by remembering to make sure I'm liking myself. Oftentimes when I am trying so hard to make others like me, I'm selling myself out in the process. I find that I am really ok if someone doesn't like me - chances are I'm not hot on them either!

Doing the relaxation tape and thought replacements helps me. Getting exercise and doing something I enjoy helps me too. I like to create things or look at art, books, home decorations, anything visually appealing to me helps distract me.

I think it's great that you recognize you are wanting this guy to like you! In my world, awareness is the first step to growth! I hope you have been able to find peace with this gentleman and that the situation will be resolved soon. Remember to love yourself bunches!
Patti