I started the program about 15 weeks ago. I am beginning lesson #12. It has been very helpful to me. I have had somewhat of a lag with the program the last week but have been pretty consistent. Now I find myself struggling with the following issue and I'm not sure if it is avoidance.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years. My girlfriend has lived with me during this period and has a boy who is about to turn 13. They are both wonderful people. I am not sure whether or not we should stay together. We have not been intimate for about 2 1/2 years. This has been especially hard on her.

I pulled away from her because I felt that she wasn't listening to me about concerns I had (money issues, space issues, etc.). I kept telling her that I needed her help but felt that she wasn�t helping.

However, as I have gone through the course I can see that it is my responsibility to face these issues and that I can�t blame her if I am not handling money well, or if she�s not sensitive about what she eats when I�m trying to lose weight, etc.. She just may not be motivated the same way and it is my responsibility to determine what I want and to take action and not worry about the problem. If she�s not supportive that way I have to face it and ask if this is what I want in a relationship.

I found that she likes to be isolated and I have given up some friends and moved out into the country and I have felt increasing isolated. And, yet, I appreciate the country living. Then I went through Lesson #4 on expectations and begin to rethink my expectations about her and the relationship.

She is a very loyal and good friend. She isn�t a very motivated and is from a very different cultural background than me. She didn�t graduate high school but was an honor student prior to dropping out. She grew up on a farm in Northern Canada and education was not a strong value.

I also discovered that, like Lucinda, was blaming her for some unhappiness I was experiencing that wasn�t her fault at all.

I am also afraid of being alone. This could very well be my avoidance.

Also, I find myself looking at other girls who I find more attractive and thinking what it would be like to date them. I have always been faithful but find this distracting.

I�m afraid if we break up that it would be difficult to move her back from Maryland to Alberta, Canada. Now, my boss, who has become a close friend, is going to hire my girlfriend. This is very good for my girlfriend because she will be able to work from home and be with Michael and make much more money. My boss asked me to okay it and I did. She is smart and is a good worker.

I think that I�m afraid of marriage as well. I don�t know if the avoidance of intimacy is because I don�t love her and I�m afraid to say goodbye or if I�m afraid of marriage and I�m avoiding it. Either way, I�m �what iffing� and I could use some advice.

I know this is disjointed but this is my first post and I�m struggling with this one. I have been able to let go of some guilt and have had some other triumphs but I feel stuck. Please feel free to suggest other options I haven't thought about.

Thanks very much...

Sounds like you're definitely on the right track taking responsiblity for your own actions and realizing that your problems are just that, "your" problems and no one elses. That's not to say that your partner shouldn't comfort you or support you but it is "your" job to feel better and take action. Maybe, now that you have a different outlook on the things you should refocus and just take it day by day and just really ask yourself if you want to be with this person forever. Sounds like you already know the answer and probably not but it is "easier" to stay. Can you accept settling? Can you accept not having or living the way you really want? Easier said than done yes but just imagine how your new life could be? And you only have one chance to do it the way you want. I think you're off to a great start with your realization of how you are responsible for your own happiness and actions.

All I can say is good job and just start thinking of what is "real" and what you want. Maybe write at night about it. Writing is really helpful in resolving matters you are confused about.

Good luck.

Brigitte...Thanks very much for you reply. This is so helpful. I will continue to work towards being completely responsible to gain my freedom and to do the things I want to do. Thanks Very Much.

You are so welcome. Hey, you might even surprise yourself once you "get out of the fog" and realize, yeah....you do want to stay. Who knows. My favorite quote helps.

You create your thoughts.
Your thoughts create your intentions.
Your intentions create your reality.

=D