Can someone please help me with my ordeal I have tomorrow? I have to basically tell
someone off at 9am. I have permission from my boss and immediate supervisor to put her
in her place. They are actually on my side to do this! I emailed her alot of angry thoughts about something she emailed me about (she always tries to belittle me in her emails). We agreed to meet first thing in the morning to get some things off our chests. But when I get angry I get shaky and lose my thoughts alot. Plus, when I interrupt her when she's talking to me, she gets uptight about me letting her finish. (We've done this before, before I got to Lesson 7). How can I tell her what I need to tell her without coming across as being timid? I want to sound confident but she has the power to make me feel small and lost for words. I literally get nervous when she walks my way. She doesn't even have the power to hire or fire me! I want to be assertive with her. I'm angry with myself for letting her screw me over so many times because I hate confrontations, but enough is enough. Please help because I'm mad as heck and I can't take it anymore!


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It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice.

[This message has been edited by Nay (edited 01-23-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Nay (edited 01-23-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Nay (edited 01-23-2002).]

I hate confrontations too (I don't think they are on anyones favorite to do list).

What I would do is write down all of the things that you want to discuss, and try to keep the emotional (anger) side out of your writing. Be very clear on what it is that is bothering you. Remove the 'you' statements, example "you do this to make me mad..." Change it around to 'I' statements, "I feel very upset when...". This way you won't make her feel on the defensive. When you start this meeting with her, you may want to say that you would really like to talk with her and would appreciate it if she would give the courtesy of just listening without interruption, and when you are done you will give her the same courtesy. Just try and concentrate on what you wrote down and move through your list.

I do have a question for you, why is your immediate supervisor and boss not talking to her for you? If she is sending nasty grams to you via email, then it is company resources that she is using to do this. Most companies will not tolerate that.

I hope I have helped you a little. Good luck to you tomorrow and let us know how it goes.

I also dislike confrontations, but I have had them.

My advice would be to just relax. I know it's hard but is there going to be a "mediator"? Maybe your boss or another person mediating this discussion between you and this other employer? If so, then let them start this confrontation. Speak when spoken to and only when it's your turn.

If it's just face to face without any mediator, then I would suggest starting out the discussion by asking her why she treats you the way she does? If she acts stupid like she doesn't know what you are talking about then explain yourself.

You must remember that even if you become shakey and your heart races...you'll be fine. You won't lose it. These feelings are natural and NORMAL. She can't see how you are feeling. Only you know how you feel. We tend to think that people can see our anxiety and they can't. So be confident that you won't look timid. Instead look at it this way.....you are CALM and COLLECTIVE!! Take your time to say what you want even when you want to just let it all pour out...DONT! Just take your time, accept your nervous feelings as normal (because they are...we all get them....AND YES SHE WILL PROBABLY HAVE THEM TOO......people who are nasty are usually nasty and angry because deep down they have a problem with FEAR!!)

You'll be fine. It's better to say less than to say TOO MUCH!!

Thanks for the suggestions. Usually this woman would say mean, demeaning remarks to my face. But today she wrote something that I took as condescending because she literally insulted my intelligence. My supervisor and boss have already spoken to her about her attitude problem, but they feel that if I tell her myself to stop screwing me around she'll back off. She's the kind of person that backs off when the person she attacks tells her to get off their case. They also want me to show some backbone because it will make me feel better if I tell her myself. They know that she thinks she can get away with what she does because I avoid confrontations. They want me to strenghthen my skills when it comes to dealing with people of this sort. I have written down what I plan to say as I've been documenting everything she's done to me since I started this job in August. I will change some of my statements around so she won't get defensive, and I was going to ask her if she'd listen to me first and I'd do the same for her. Of course, I think it's also a great idea if I have my supervisor or boss sit in with me on the meeting because she's a boldface liar and will deny she said certain things if if I have to point it out to her later. Y'all have been a big help. Thanks again.

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It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice.

[This message has been edited by Nay (edited 01-23-2002).]

Nay,
I feel for you, and know how hard it can be to deal with annoying co-workers. My suggestion, is yes, tell them that they're bothering you, and try and come up with a solution. But don't get too bent out of shape, you need to confront her to talk about your feelings and the way that the situation is effecting you. Try and look at it like something that you want to get, what do you want to get out of the situation, and try and go easy on yourself if you feel shakey or unhappy about the outcome, try and realize that this is the way they are and your just trying to do what it is you need to do to make the situation better.