I have a friend? that likes to throw her kids on me and I love her kids but, she doesn't care how rude or inconvient it is for me. I have told her in some round about ways that it's crowding me. She is also a big reason for my panic attacks. She doesn't seem to mind that it is making life for me so hard. I don't like to disappoint people but, she's not a very good mother and it's her kids that I feel the obligation to. So, how do I deal with her without hurting the children?

Candis

Hello,

People like that will take advatange of you if you continue to let them. Sometimes its hard to tell if youre being taken advantage of. If you feel this woman is pushing her kids on you..ou can kindly tell her "I can't babysit right now" or find a time later to talk to her and let her know how you feel using "I" messages..and if she doesnt want to listen...walk away. Hope this helped.

We are born people pleasers. That's good and it's bad. The good is that we care about others feelings. The bad is that we don't know when it's in our best interests to take care of ourselves instead of trying to take care of others. Assertiveness training is finding that balance and being willing to risk losing others approval for our own good and well being. it's not a perfect world and there may be times when things don't work out perfectly or the way we would like them to work out, i.e. without hurting someone.

Hi,

What would happen if you weren't available? Let's say you were out of town...how would she handle it? Or, let's say you had plans. What would she do? It's comfortable to know there is someone to rely on. It enables all of us to never think out of the box. Certainly, I don't know what the situation is but I imagine that she would find another solution. It's wonderful to have that level of compassion for others but unless you take care of you, you won't have anything to offer anyone else. This is all easy to say and hard to do but without boundaries you'll never have time/space for you. One thing that has worked for me is when I say no I don't give a lot of explanation why. The more and more I try to explain the harder it gets and the more tangled to conversation gets. "I'm really sorry but I am busy. I have things to do that night" no more explanation or repetition. Short and sweet - if she is a true friend it will end there. Are you afraid what might happen if you set some limits, i.e. if it will affect your friendship? There is also the possibility of being honest and saying that while you love to help the responsibility is becoming too great and she will need to find another solution. That's certainly more risky - and for anxiety sufferers, risk can be terrifying. But, like they say, the truth will set you free. Good luck.