I just finished the program, and I'm in a confusing place. I used to be a doormat, and I got burned quite a few times. I'd go along with things for awhile until it got intolerable, and then I would end it like a snap of the fingers. I'm talking jobs, personal relationships, doing favors for people.
Now I find that if someone leaves me a message concerning a job that they want me to do, and it sounds like a bad deal, I won't call them back. I'm lucky enough to have lots of work opportunities. I feel guilty for not calling. I know, better review the guilt tape.
I find that I get really mad if I feel I've been walked on. Usually its at work. I have a lot of responsibilities, but sometimes not much support or control. I try to think of ways to be assertive instead of blowing up. And I think I've prevented a few yelling matches. (Which I used to start up, I've been through 3 full time jobs in the last 3 years, and 2 of them ended with a blow up) The difference now is that I am self employed, I contract for these jobs, and I usually am not there for more that a couple of months. I know that once my time is up, if the place really stinks, I'll put it on the bottom of my list of places to work, and I'll raise my fees. ;-) Now that I wrote that, I feel better about my current work situation!
I'm confused too, because I used to be a huge people pleaser, and I would stumble on trying to say just the right thing so I would fit in, or wouldn't offend or upset the apple cart. Now I'm short and to the point. How will I know if I really just want to shoot the bull, or if I'm crossing the line into people pleasing? I think I've gone to the other end of the spectrum. Now I'm too quiet. Oh me. I suppose this is a good sign. At least I'm not like I used to be! Anybody else going through this? I'd love to hear from you.

Dear Deb45,

Yes, I know how you feel and I know the scenario you describe very well, that is, w.r.t. feeling like a doormat, ending relationships, etc.

This has been such a hard road for me. . . . i've gone back and forth with self-employment and working for others, and I'm still struggling. The big issue seems to be wanting to be accepted and liked, and balancing that with being too nice and too accommodating. I'm trying to learn where my boundaries are--that is, where I feel comfortable doing things because I genuinely want to do them, and not because I'm expecting anything in return; and also learning when it's okay to say no (and how to say no gracefully).

The problem still remains: I want to be liked and accepted and recognized . . . and when that doesn't happen, it really hurts, and I feel bad, and I become resentful. And so then the question is, How do I get beyond my ego on those basic human needs and desires? And is it then really ego? If it's a basic human need to be accepted and liked, then how is that need satisfied if not in relationship with the people you socialize with daily? It is especially difficult when you don't share your life with a significant other . . .

I suppose it's an ego problem when you expect to feel good . . . rather than allowing the good to arrive when you least expect it.

and so now I think I'm beginning to ramble . . . and I only know my ego wants and needs some unexpected good stuff!!!