for some things, i can be assertive, but sometimes, with friends, i dont feel comfortable being assertive. i let my friend borrow my most prized book and thought she'd return it but its been almost 2 yrs and she wont return it. i asked for my books(i lent her 3) a couple times and still havent gotten them back. she found one of them, but not the others. which really upset me. i wanted the original books back, but now i'd settle for new copies. but how do i ask for them again and actually get them? i feel like im being whiney or stupid or something, but i deserve to have my books. she said she'd replace them but hasnt. shes away at college in the next state over from me but she comes home on weekends, the problem is that i could probly get them back, but i'd have to see her to get them but im not ready to see her yet. i really dont kno wht to do.

Hi,
I had a similar experience with some books of music (I'm a church musician) I lent to a friend. Never got them back and it hurt. After that, I resolved to set some boundaries. Now I lend music books to friends with the condition that I get the item back within a specified amount of time because I value them so much. When you let people know upfront how much you value something they usually respect you for telling them.

Take care,
Vin

I had two books that were signed by the author that I lent out and I still have yet to see either of them. They went to two different friends. I still see my friends too. I just figure that its just an object and they have apologized for losing them. I am trying to not let things get to me for too long. Its not worth the energy worrying about stuff when there isnt anything I can do about it. I figure if its not replaceable then I dont lend it out. I had a friend ask to borrow something one time that I couldnt replace if she lost it and she couldnt either and it was very important at that time that I have this item and I actually told her no. I still feel bad for saying no (good 'ol guilt) but at that time it was what I did. So be it. But now, most things arent that important to me. Anyways, if you can, find some way to replace the item as a gift for yourself. YOu deserve to have the things you love around you. And forgive your friend as she doesnt understand. The forgiveness is for YOU to feel better, not the friend. She doesnt even have to know anything about it.

Reena