I am an assertive person. Partly because of my cultural background, (no, I'm not Italian! ) and assertive genes passed on to me by my grandmother. Partly because I have learned to stand up for myself and others. But sometimes it can be misunderstood. Sometimes I am misunderstood.

Assertiveness is a wonderful thing. I have learned to be more discerning and make solid decisions on who I want in my life and who I don't. What I am willing to participate in and what I won't. And so forth. I don't waste precious, valuable time and emotional energy anymore.

I make these decision based on guidance from the scriptures, (Proverbs 13:20; Proverbs 9:8; 2Timothy 3:5), and God's spirit, and what is best for me and my family. It has made my life much simpler, and has prevented me from getting bogged down in negativity and frustration. It has allowed me to separate myself from people who thrive on drama.

Another wonderful pay-off is that it has inspired others to be more assertive with me. I have had beautiful, touching, honest, open, heart-to-heart, discussions with friends and family that I love. It has brought us closer together. It has helped me to understand how my words and actions effect them, and it has helped them to understand my motives, and vice-versa.

However, I have had to deal with people not understanding and being put-off by my assertiveness. I'm sure I'm partly to blame. I'm still working on expressing myself appropriately and can at times come across as aggressive, hostile, or unforgiving. But, it is still worth it. The good results have by far outweighed the bad.

The other bad thing that I've noticed is that people will sometimes put me on the front lines and hide behind me. So, it's had it's drawbacks.

It happened to me as a girl in school. Other girls wanted me to stick up for them. Not because I was bigger or stronger, but because I was bolder. Then I'd be left alone to take whatever abuse came as a result. I stuck up for them, but no one had my back!

It happened to me starting off in the business world. Coworkers came to me and asked me to present a list of complaints to our bosses. I agreed with the complaints and thought they were very reasonable. So I presented them. When the boss cursed me out, no one else said a word in my defense.

It happened to me as a young, brand-new wife when my husband hid behind me rather than stand up to a false minister. (He has since learned to be more assertive himself and protect me. Yay!)

But I've also had wonderful friends stick their neck out for me and prove their loyalty to me, because I've done it for them, and they know they can count on me. That feels good.



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~~Lovejoy
The fruitage of God's spirit - Galatians 5:22,23

When I first posted this, (yesterday, under General), I hadn't yet listened to Session 7. I was going by personal experience. But, even though I'm on Lesson 4, I decided to skip ahead last night and watch Session 7, since it's been on my mind. I loved it when (?) said that she used to be intimidated by assertive people. That helped me so much! I know I intimidate people. Not because I want to or am trying to. But once we make friends, they tell me that I seem so confident. Hah! It's not really confidence. But I do know how to protect and take care of myself. I had to learn early, because no one else was doing it!

I felt that the things Lucinda was saying confirmed so much of what I posted. I know I need some work on being appropriately assertive, but the lesson made me feel that, for the most part, I'm doing very well in that department.

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~~Lovejoy
The fruitage of God's spirit - Galatians 5:22,23

Hi Lovejoy,
I understand and appreciate your post.

I own a business in consumer protection. Its specific goals is helping consumers and companies get along and work together amicably. We write educational consumer material.

I cannot be passive to run this business. Neither can I be agressive because it could cause legal problems. Thus, I have to be assertive when I speak up for the party that was wronged. At the same time I have to do so as nicely as possible in order to get them to amicably resolve the issue.

Because I am a writer of books, articles and do public speaking I have to use this assertiveness in view of the topics such as scams and other. Having been trained in public speaking and writing for years I have learned that the title and the first lines are very important to capture your audiance.
For the most part I have been successful with this skill and used it for this reason.

I have learned a valuable lesson for me. To me more thoughtful of your audiance and how they might react to a title although I meant well. There are certain times for me now that I will need to be more passive in this area with the respect of others feelings.

The way you describe yourself lovejoy makes me want to know you better. I think you would make a great and loyal friend to know in person.

Yes, lesson 7 is an excellant lesson which I too appreciated and recall well.

Wishing you well,

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Victoria

Victoria, I get the sense that you may be beating up on yourself. Please don't do that. We all make errors in judgement. It is part of being human and imperfect. Who can say that they've never gotten a little overzealous or stepped out of line? You handled the situation very well by acknowledging the feelings of others, apologizing, and making a correction. You did the right thing. That wins you a lot of respect in my book. I hope that you can feel proud of yourself for that, and let it go now. Don't be discouraged.

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~~Lovejoy
The fruitage of God's spirit - Galatians 5:22,23

[This message has been edited by lovejoy522 (edited 08-04-2002).]

Hi Lovejoy,
Thank you for your understanding and kind words.
Victoria