The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

"Love in Words and Actions" (page 200)

Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.

Many of us were loved and cared for by others who had discrepancies between what they said and did.

We may have had a mother or father who said, �I love you� to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love � the only love we knew.

Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.

We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It�s time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.

We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.

We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions � not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.

We can give and receive love where behavior matches one�s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.

Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

Hi Dolphin, Wonderful of you to post this book on the Forum!! Have read several of her books, but maybe not this one. But the reading of it goes only so far, the application is what's required (i'm talking to myself here!) Yes, i grew up in a world of 'discrepancies'!! It's amazing what we come to believe Love is, isn't it!! Thank you Dolphin, love and hugs, Lindi

quote:

Originally posted by Lindi:
Hi Dolphin, Wonderful of you to post this book on the Forum!! Have read several of her books, but maybe not this one. But the reading of it goes only so far, the application is what's required (i'm talking to myself here!) Yes, i grew up in a world of 'discrepancies'!! It's amazing what we come to believe Love is, isn't it!! Thank you Dolphin, love and hugs, Lindi

Hi Lindi,

It helped me to become more aware that the bar / threshold for accepting the negative behavior of others was set very high in me. The bar had been set that high because, in order to survive growing up, I knew of no other choice but to believe the negative mind-set of my parents is what it meant to be loved and cared about. As an adult, I came to understand how that childhood survival behavior was still operating in my relations with others on some level. I became aware of the benefits available from relearning and redefining boundaries, and how the height of that bar for determining acceptable behavior had to be consciously lowered within my self. My expectation mantra of others became: �Love in Words and Actions.� Since all of us here often share similar backgrounds, I thought it might be helpful to share this and suggest others pay attention for it in them selves.

I understand how awareness without action may feel like a painfully slow beginning, and that's why I thought it most appropriate to post this here in Forum Seven - Assertive Behavior: Speak Confidently and Gain Respect. I found the skills from this lesson to be most helpful in implementing the mantra: Love in Words and Actions.

As always, let your own unconditional compassion, love and acceptance for your self in no matter where you may find your self on the journey.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

Thank you Dophin for this very enlightening information! I will add this book to my list of those "to read"! I think this would help me in my journey!

quote:

Originally posted by 3hopeful3:
Thank you Dophin for this very enlightening information! I will add this book to my list of those "to read"! I think this would help me in my journey!

Hi 3hopeful3,

What helps make the book more effective for me is the way it's organized as daily meditations: There is a passage to read for each date of the year. It's a wonderful new habit to awake each morning to one of these daily meditations. It's helped to keep me focused on the journey.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

Thanks for sharing Dolphin!

What a great mantra! Especially ACTIONS!

Have a wonderful day!

Diane

quote:

Originally posted by Dolphin:

The Language of Letting Go
By Melody Beattie

"Love in Words and Actions" (page 200)

Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.

Many of us were loved and cared for by others who had discrepancies between what they said and did.

We may have had a mother or father who said, �I love you� to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love � the only love we knew.

Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.

We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It�s time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.

We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.

We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions � not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.

We can give and receive love where behavior matches one�s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.

Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.



[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 10-13-2001).]

quote:

Originally posted by dl:
Thanks for sharing Dolphin!
What a great mantra! Especially ACTIONS!
Have a wonderful day!
Diane

Hi Diane,

Yes, I think it's a "great mantra" too, and generous responses like yours are what make it worth sharing here.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

Dolphin,

Thank you for the great suggestion. I am going to order the book and would like to try the morning meditations (no, I will do the morning meditations!). Thank you for your continued support and inspiration.

Be well,

Wendy

quote:

Originally posted by Wendy:
Dolphin,
Thank you for the great suggestion. I am going to order the book and would like to try the morning meditations (no, I will do the morning meditations!). Thank you for your continued support and inspiration.
Be well,
Wendy

Hi Wendy,

Yes, I believe you will enjoy the meditations each morning.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

quote:

Originally posted by Andrew:
I used to be a real Melody Beattie fanatic. I once wrote her a letter, and she replied! It was so kind of her! I used to read this book everyday.
Take care,
Andrew

Hi Andrew,

I still have the original copy of The Language of Letting Go, and obviously still refer to it. It�s a wonderful way to gently remain vigilant and focused on what is often a life-long road to journey.

The picture of the woods in your post immediately brought to mind The Poetry of Robert Frost:

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I�
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ Dolphin

[This message has been edited by Dolphin (edited 12-19-2001).]

I am so encouraged that so many have read and will read this book (I'm in the latter category).

It's funny to read a topic's title that covers an area my fiancee' wished I was better able to show, although he doesn't doubt my love.

It is also amazing that two of those people I will ALWAYS read topics from are you two, Dolphin and Andrew. I'm sure many people feel the same way. You both encourage and inspire so many. I will be heading down to the "big city" (Indianapolis) tomorrow, so I will be certain to purchase this book.

Thank you so much for sharing it with us, Dolphin.

Thanks for the recommendation Dolphin. I read all about it on Amazon and order myself a copy.

Calico

Hi,

I just got her follow-up book with 366 new daily meditations. It's just as wonderfully inspiring!

Check out 11 sample pages now by clicking onto ---> More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

~ Dolphin