Hi, I have a dilema that hopefully someone can help me with.

My problem revolves around my parents not listening to the word "No".

A little background.....my parents recently moved 5 minutes away from me after living in another state for over 20 years. So after 20 plus years I barely know them. They moved here for 2 reasons, (1) I am an only child and they don't want to live so far away from me, (well, that's what they say), and (2) they want to be around my daughter, their only grandchild.

Now I can understand their reasons, BUT they try and run my life. A day doesn't go by that they don't call me and say "hey, we are around the corner and we are stopping by". They are driving me crazy! I have told them on many of occasions that they are smothering me and they need to back off. Do they listen - NO!

But now the big problem.........my mother has been babysitting a boy since he was 2 weeks old, he is now 17. She is very close to him and adores him. I completely understand and encourage it. But the problem is, is she wants me to adore him too, and of course my daughter. First, I don't know the kid, and second he is 17 and has no business playing with my 4 year old. I don't know anybody else, but that seems really inappropriate to me.

Now I have stood my ground and told them numerous times that I don't want to visit with this kid. When he came last year I went over their house and said hi to him and I think that is all I need to do. I didn't think that it was expected that I visit with him every time he comes. But my parents think that I should.

And not to sound mean, because I don't have anything against the kid, heck it's my parents shoving him down my throat, not him, but to be honest the kid gives me the creeps. He's 17 and has no desire to drive or work or even to have a girlfriend. All he wants to do is to play with his Pokemon toys.

So now he is supposed to be arriving here in a week and already my parents are trying their hardest to bully me. They want me to let them take my daughter and this kid 50 miles away to the zoo. I know my parents wouldn't let anything happen to my daughter intentionally, BUT I think that they are so blinded by their affection towards this 17 year old boy that they may not see what's right in front of their eyes. And not to mention that either one of my parents could chase after my daughter if their lives depended on it. My father is so overweight and has breathing problems, and my mother has a bad knee. So God forbid something should happen to my daughter they couldn't get to her in time.

So back to my dilema. I am not going to change my mind, they are NOT getting my daughter as long as that other kid is visiting. But the problem is, no matter how hard I try and stand up to them I am always the one left feeling horrible. Not guilt, because in this situation I feel I have every right to tell them no, but the overall feeling of frustration, and anger. And when I get this angry the old symptoms return. My anxiety level starts to climb, I'm tired, restless, spacey, and let's not forget jumpy. So I'm not only upset with them but now I'm upset with me, because I let them win. They were able to get to me and send me over the edge of anxiety again. I am not the little girl that left their house many years ago. I am 41, been with my SO for over 20 years, own my own home and have already raised a foster daughter. But to them I am dumber than a tree stump.

Will I ever be able to stop letting them get to me, or is this the curse of an only child?

Thanks so much for listening to me ramble, but I have no where else to vent.

Thanks!
Raven

Hi..ive been in your situation sort of.
My father used to breathe down my back and be domineering...he was grilling me the other day about "being dependant on meds"...this coming from an alcoholic

The next time they want to push themselves on you...you might wanna say "Im kinda busy today"
instead of no...believe when you encounter those people who wont take no for an answer you can't win for losing so you need to distance yourself
and send them the message that you have your own life. When my dad went into his "becoming dependant" mode...i simply nodded like i was interested and walked away...that shut him up fast LOL

Raven, I'm with you -- 17 year old boys have no reason to hang out with 4 year olds -- ever!
We have a known sex offender in our family and everyone wants to pretend they don't know and expect myself and my sister to allow him near our children. He's been ruining our Christmases for years -- but WE are the bad guys. Well, know what, he never got the opportunity to touch my kids. After all this stress and struggle with my family, I recently learned my brother-in-law molested my daughter starting at age 6, right under my nose.
I am not trying to scare you, but NO ONE should be trusted alone with your child, I don't care who they are. Listen to your feelings, maybe the kid gives you the creeps for a reason.
Your child's well being is far more important than a stranger's feelings.
I learned this the hard way.
My brother in law gave me the creeps, but he was a part of our family and I didn't want to be mean when he started paying attention to my little girl...
As for your parents. I have a mother-in-law and grandmother who can't hear the word 'no' or do not seem to comprehend its meaning.
Stop saying no, and start not being home.
If they call from around the corner, say your on your way out. If they ask to come with you, say you are going somewhere private or to an appointment.
If they want to babysit, say your daughter is at a playmate's house.
When that kid comes out to visit, tell your parents you will swing by to say hello and then dash off to some important appointment.
If they bring up the zoo trip (what do 17 year old boys do at the zoo???), reverse things on them and pretend that YOU don't understand.
'What? The zoo? I don't know. We'll see...'
Make your own plans for the day they plan to go.
You don't have to be the bad guy and you don't owe them an explanation, you are a busy woman with a family and home of your own.
Suggest a weekly dinner because of your hectic schedule and invite yourself over for Sunday dinner or something and once you spend a few hours with them, off you go...
What about your SO? Do your parents like them? Take your SO along with you whenever you can. Your parents need to understand that you have a life seperate from theirs.
Try taking control of the situation, YOU do the inviting. Have them over for dinner now and then at a specified time and then say 'well time for bed' to you 4 year old and let them know it's time to leave.
Good luck!
Kim

Thank you so much for your advise. I really needed to know that I wasn't going overboard. But I think in this situation I'm not.

Kim,

I am so glad you understand where I'm coming from. I too, have a child molester in the family. My great uncle just spent many years in prison because he was finally busted. He was caught with child pornography all over his house. At his trial, 15 kids that he babysat over the years, came forward. He also molested many of his own kids. I was never close to him, which now I'm grateful for. He's 80 something now, but I still wouldn't trust him.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. The "wonder" boy is supposed to be arriving, so I'm sure I'm going to be going through hell for the next 2 weeks.

I know I am getting stronger with Lucinda's help, I can feel it everyday, but my parents are the worst for me. I'm sure it has to do with the "only" kid syndrome. But nothing is going to make me change my mind. I will stand up to them no matter what, especially when it comes to the most precious thing in my life, my daughter.

I want my little girl to stay a "little" girl for as long as she can. I want her to be a princess, and ride unicorns and live with fairies. She will learn about "reality" when the time comes, even I can't stop it forever. But I will be damned if I am going to let anyone, even my parents, take away her innocence now. She's only 4.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope something came about prosecuting him for what he did. I pity the SOB that ever dreamed of touching my daughter.

Your ideas and thoughts about not being available were fantastic. I always knew that one of the reasons why they could "get" me, was because I am a sitting duck. I mean, where do agoraphobics go? Nowhere! So I am really trying to change that. Just today I took my daughter out to check into preschool, and then took her for an ice cream, when I got home the answering machine was flasing like crazy. Of course it was my parents. It rocked their world that I wasn't home, AND I took my daughter, like how dare I? But to tell you the truth, it felt fantastic! I loved the fact that I rocked them. And I think I am going to keep on doing it. When I was out with my baby, I didn't think or care about them, I was actually having a wonderful time with my child.

I'm on week 12 now, and sometimes I still have bad days, but now I am starting to have more good than bad. And after having anxiety problems for over 20 years, it feels great!

Thank you again for allowing me to rant, and thank you so much for understanding. And maybe I will use the expression, "Eat my dust" as I drive away and wave to my parents.

Thanks again,
Raven

Raven,
You're welcome and good for you!
I'm SO glad it felt good to get out!
Don't look at the time 'wonder boy' is here as hell for you, because you have the power to change that.
P.S. My brother-in-law shot himself before the abuse came out. He will never hurt another child again.

Thank you for the encouraging pats on the back, I need them. Today I went round 2 with my mother about this kid. She asked me if sometime during his stay, if she could bring him to my house. Unfortunately my old ways crept out, I stammered and said, "maybe, but why?" She said so that this kid could see my daughter. Well then the "new" me came out with both barrels. I told her I don't understand why a 17 year old boy wants to visit with a 4 year old. That made her go crazy, and she turned the whole thing back on me. She said that I am taking this all wrong, and there's nothing wrong with this boy, and on and on.

The conversation ended that she is going to call me in the next 2 weeks to see when she can bring him over, well I think that I am just going to have to be busy every time she asks.

I am going to take this opportunity to do something that I haven't done in years, I am going to have a picnic in the park with my daughter. Heck, we live in Colorado afterall, and there are alot of beautiful places to go. So I think I finally got enough strength to take my anxiety-ridden behind outside and have some much overdue fun!

And I want to thank you guys for giving me the added boost I needed. Your support and your stories help me be stronger.

Thank you!
Raven

Hi Raven,

Sounds like you are doing a great job. I think family is the hardest for most of us to deal with. They can put lots of demands on you. We also get into a certain 'way' of dealing with our family. And now you are changing the game and they don't like it. But they will get used to it. When they see that you are serious and firm they will back down and not be so demanding. Sounds like they could be lonely too. Encourage them to meet more people their own age to do things with and maybe that will take some attention off of you. It also sounds like they just want to show off their adorable granddaughter. They dont get it that you are uncomfortable with the situation but that is their problem. I think its wonderful that you are watching out for you daughter like that. It is so important. I also have a 4 year old daughter and I know how you feel. I also worry about my sons just as much as my daughters. There probably istn anything to worry about as long as you are in the same room with the 17 year old. My middle son (he's 11) loves babies and has since he was a baby himself. He loves to play with them and get them to laugh and he is just drawn to them. Some people are like that. Anyways, trust your gut when it comes to your child as you already are and stick to your guns. Mom and dad will get a clue eventually.

Reena

Reena,

Thanks for the pat on the back, boy do I need it. The "precious" boy is leaving on Tuesday - FINALLY! I have stood my ground and made my feelings heard, but of course I still ended up fighting with my parents. They can not understand why I feel the way I do. And even though I have tried and tried, they just can't get it through their heads. So I decided that I am going to stop trying to make them see my way, they NEVER will. I just won't be around when they want to see me or mine.

I did break down just yesterday and talked to my father on the phone. He started talking about everyday stuff, which is fine, but then of course it got on the topic of this kid. I know that next year my parents are planning a trip back to California to see this kid's graduation from High School, which is fine and dandy, BUT they are also planning on bringing him back here for another 2 week visit. Oh boy, I will have to deal with this again! So I told my dad on the phone that I think it's great that they were going to go out there for his graduation, but that when they bring him back here I would be off-limits to them. So his response was, "Well, that's a whole year away and he'll be a grown up by then." Well now I don't know about you or anyone else, but I certainly was not a grown up at 18, I thought I was, but I was far from it. Now this is coming from a 62 year old man. And what makes him think that I am going to change my mind in a year. He's a creepy kid now and in a year, he is going to be a creepier older kid! I doubt if I am going to wake up one morning thinking how nice it would be to subject my daughter to him - NOT!!!!!!!!

And another reason I don't want my daughter, or me, to see this kid is because of how my mother is with him. She does everything for him. They give him full reign over their house. The TV is his, the menu he picks, where they go, and of course anything he wants at the store he gets. My parents drop about $2000.00 on this kid while he's here. Any new video game, CD, DVD he wants, he gets. And don't think that a 4 year old can understand why he's getting the "Fatted Calf" and she's not. So I think it's better to let her live in her fantasy world that she's the "only" special one in their lives.

And there's a question that I am dying to ask my parents, but I know I will never get the answer I want. I want to know why this kid is so wonderful and amazing that it would cause them to fight with their only daughter? Why is he so special that it would make them disregard my feelings and wishes? But unfortunately I think I already know the answer. This kid means more to them then I do. And boy what a slap in the face that is! But if I look back on my childhood, I should just expect it.

But thank you again, I know I'm rambling, so I will go. Thanks for your support, it means alot!

Raven

Howdy Raven it sounds like you are doing very well. :-) You know what to do know when it comes to your parents. One thing I was going to mention......you might want to look at your parents moving closer to you as something not entirely negative. They probably love you very much and have moved closer to you out of their love for you. I realize it may not seem like love and only that they are pestering you. Have you had a chance to tell them that that it makes you feel uncomfortable about the 17 year old and it that it makes your uncomfortable that they want to come over all the time?

D

It seems like family can push your buttons more than anyone and always think they should always have access to you. If you know that when your mom calls she's going to ask you to do something, don't answer the phone. If you can't avoid them and they try to push things on you come up with one assertive sentence to use and say it no matter what they say. Like, no that's not going to work for me. If you keep repeating the same thing in the same tone, they'll get sick of listening to it and move on. If it goes on for too long, say you have to go and get off the phone or leave. Preferably, if you can even if it's only after a while of dealing with them like this. Sit down and have a talk with them. Once they understand just how hurtful their being they may try to back off.