Hi,
I have always been an anxious person, never learned to be assertive or that my opinion counts, or how to stand for myself. It was always easy for people to make me feel like crap and convince me I´m a "bad girl" if I don´t do what they want. Being rejected or attacked verbally was hell for me and I was suffering, unable to defend myself.
However, I have to work together with a woman of my age, who is not my boss but some kind of super visor. She has done my job before she got promoted and introduced me inot the work I´m doing now.
She doesn´t like me and ignores me totally, hardly speaks to me, only if it´s about the job. Then she treats me like a doormat, has no respect. Never says "please" or "thank you". Mostly she tells me things I have done wrong, in a way like I was a stupid child, but very often I find out later that I didn´t even make a mistake! or it wasn´t worth to mention or someone elses mistake.
I have always been nice, friendly and helfpul. When she´s offending me, I get half a panic attack and can hardly react, let alone be ASSERTIVE!
I tried to tell her several times that her way of treating me depresses me, we even had a talk with a lady from the personnel staff; but she just shrugs her shoulders, thinking she is nice to me because she doesn´t YELL at me, I think.
She´s gotten used to me being defensive, and when she´s under stress, she treats me poorly and transfers her tension on me, puts me under pressure.
Obviously it´s her satisfaction to treat me like that. (When everything is going well, it´s understood, of course)
Meanwhile I have developed some kind of burn-out because I am going to be divorced and the situation at my job makes me sick. I can´t stay calm, even if there are days when NOTHING happens, I´m under such a tension, I get panic and disgust when she enters my office room, and when I return home I have to fight the symptoms of too much stress hormones for the rest of the day. Anxites, depression, depersonalization, fear of losing control...
What a life is this?
What can I do to get normal, healthy attitude? How can I learn to be assertive to her? I feel so sick and tired of it all, my nerves are oversentizised, anyway. (I can´t change the job, and I don´t have Lucindas program because I live in Germany and can´t afford it, anyway)

Thanks for some replies!!!

Susanne

GardenFairy,
I am reminded of the phrase kill people with kindness but in this case I do not think it will work. This lady knows you are not assertive and is taking pleasure on being mean and using you as a doormat. She has an ego problem too because of her promotion. You have a lot of work to do on gaining your self esteem and finding your inner voice. I used to have low self esteem but am much better and can tell a person off even though I may have anxiety doing it sometimes. I would feel worse if I sit and do nothing. In this case you may have to give her a taste of her own medicine. If she does not say Thank you for something you've done say your welcome sarcastically and if she says something tell her you could have said thank you. Question her judgement. When she tells you you have done something wrong tell her to explain it to you or show you in a manual where it is documented that you have done wrong. If it was not your fault put the document on her desk and tell her to take another look or you can document everything and go back to personnel and be ready to face the HR director and tell her how you are feeling at work and to either transfer you to another dept. or whatever you would like done.Talking to your supervisor is a waste of time, it just adds fuel to the fire especially when you tell her how she treats you is depressing you, it is all a joke to her. I know this may seem harsh but it is the workplace and how some people are. You are worth fighting for so start sticking up for yourself! You may be scared and/or anxious as you do it but when the lady realizes you are serious and she may make comments about you sticking up for yourself too so look out for that but tell her that she can make the work place less stressful for all or she can make it a living hell, it is her choice because you are not going to take her disrespect any longer! You have other things to worry about in your personal life than walking on eggshells to salve someone's ego.
Good luck. You ARE worth fighting for, you ARE a good person and you CAN do this!!

Hi Kumiko,
thank you very much for your comment!
I have been working with her for two years now, and I have always been suffering, but my personal situation was more stable. Meanwhile I am so exhausted and my nerves are so oversensitized that I think I can´t stay there for another day.
Today when I left the office, I had an appointment with my therapist (but I don´t see her often as my health insurance just pays for a few sittings)
I told her about my situation and I was crying all of the time!! She asked me why I don´t stay at home for a certain time and get a sickness cetificate from my doctor, but I have never done that before without being physically ill!otr

I can´t fight with my collegue, and I don´t want to. I should have started earlier to "show my teeth", as we say here, now I´m on the edge of a breakdown. It started when I had to do her work for 3 weeks while she was on vacation. As I´m only working part-time, I could hardly accomplish the job, and I was driven by panic of making mistakes ect. Since then, I´m a nervous wreck. My collegue doesn´t know that, and it was understood that I did a good job during the 3 weeks.
Tomorrow I´ll go to the lady from the personnel staff and tell her to put me somewhere else, if possible.
I´m working in an government authority, so I won´t lose my job, but there are only little chances to find something else for me. The reason why I havent´t tried earlier to get another working place is that I LIKE my job, and after 2 years I´m finally know my stuff...! I dont think I have the power to learn a new job, again... it´s only about this person, and she will stay there.

Okay, I´ll tell how it all turned out.
Thank you!

(isn´t Kumiko Japanese?)

I hope things go well at personnel tomorrow and she can find you a job similar to what you are doing. Just weigh your options because it would be too bad to leave a job that you know and like because of 1 evil hearted person. I'll say a prayer for you and hope things go positive for you.
Your personal life could be a major factor that is affecting your job and everything else. It is tough to go through a divorce and it is normal for it to affect you in every way. Take care of yourself and take time out for you whether it is a massage, pedicure or eyebrow waxing.....whatever but don't lose yourself. Take a walk but do something to release the tension and pamper yourself along the way.
Kumiko is Japanese and I was trying to come up with a special name for my niece that she and I could share. Why I chose a Japanese name I don't know but I liked it.
Let me know how things turn out. Be strong :-) and see....It turned out you did fine while you were doing her job when she was on vacation. Dont let her hear about that she mey try to be nice. LOL!
~Lisa

Hi Lisa,
I´m in the office now (9 hours time difference to USA, I think), and learned this morning that the personnel lady only works from Wednesday to Friday, so I will have to wait.
By the way, I didn´t involve our boss yet because he gets along very well with my collegue (of course she only treats ME poorly! She can be nice, but she is NEVER EVER nice to me...)
However, I hope I will hang in here until I can speak to the personnel lady.
I still have this option of staying at home, if neccessary,and as I have hardly been ill during the last years, I don´t need to have a bad conscience.
Yes, I like my job, but I have to work with this person, and she will not leave. I know that because our boss will change the job and wanted to take her with him, but she refused. Deep inside she´s very insecure and frightens a change that would put her into the postion of "being new" at another place, you know. I can see her through, but she´s in the better postion, however,and because of her insecurity, she needs to put me down regularly.

Yesterday I talked to my daughter about the whole thing, she´s almost 13. I could no longer hide my condition from her, and I think it´s better to explain than to put myself togehter 24/7 and THEN yell at her because I´m on the end of my rope. She´s worth of all my attention and love, and she´s suffering enough because she misses her dad (which isn´t my fault).

I told her I don´t want to appear weak to her because she deserves a strong woman as role model. I hated the thought of m little girl watching me turn into a nervous wreck because I´m unable to stand up to my collegue, you know.
I have never learned to be assertive, and I want her to learn that as early as possible. But I have to watch my limitations, and I could explain that to her.

When I was her age, my Mum also had a panic disorder. She worked as a secretary and stayed at home because of the pressure at work. And I didn´t understand because nobody explained anything to me, I just saw my Mum as a victim, it scared me and I started to feel responsible for her. All of my life. One of the roots of my own anxiety disorder, feeling responsible and being unable to change the situation. Haha.

So, although I´m not superwoman, I want my daughter to UNDERSTAND that at least I try to change the situation and I try to get help, and that´s what I ´m going to do.

I´ll tell how things turned out. Thank you for your support!
Thank God it´s Friday!

God bless you, Susanne

Hi,
to complete the story: I had my appointment with the personnell lady yesterday, and although she understood and really wanted to help me, she didn´t have an quick solution. I wasn´t surprised to hear that.
There were only two options, but they wouldn´t work. One is changing jobs with another collegue, but "unfortunaltely" she´s my friend and knows the whole story about my problems! she is also a sensitive personn and wouldn´t want to take my job...
The other option is a job that´s extremely stressful, would be in the same department (so I would still see my "enemy" ever day) and I know the boss is terrible person. Several other collegues have treid and quit there, already, too.
I hope that God will help me and make the impossible possible.... thanks for listening!

Susanne

Dear Susanne:
Several years ago, in late 70's, I went to AA
(alcoholics anonymous) meetings. I still have the BIG BOOK of AA.
What I heard (and learned ) in those meetings and read about in that Big Book of AA was a remedy for dealing with people we resent or who resent us.
For instance, take that co-worker of yours, they would say for you to pray for her steadily for 21 days. And your situation will improve.
Do not just pray that God bless your co-worker.
But pray that God would grant her all the things that you would like for yourself. At first you won't mean it. But keep praying for good things for her. Every day. At first you
will not like praying so sincerely for her. But before the 21 days over, you will mean it.
You will find that your fear and resentment of this situation have diminished greatly.
Since you have no workable solution, you have nothing to lose in trying this experiement.
I have heard hundreds of old timers in AA say that this truly works.
God bless you.
Have a better day!!
MaryJane

Hey Susanne,

I am sorry things did not work out for you. I can imagine how frustrating this can be for you and you are strong for staying!! I agree with Cornflower in that you should try the prayer for 21 days. God gave you this job and is giving you the endurance to withstand that person and he does things for a reason although unbeknownst to us. Prayer works and we may not get what we want immediatly but he will answer your prayers when it is right! You gotta have faith and let us know how it goes in 21 days.

Hi!
Thank you so much for your encouraging postings!

Want to tell you that a miracle has happened:
The lady from the personnel office has talked to my friend in the office and aksed her if she would like to change jobs with me. To our surprise she said - yes! Although she knows how difficult it was for me to get along with my co-worker, that doesn´t scare her. She has done her job for 5 years now and longs for a change. My current job is quite interesting, and I´m sure she will like it. I really hope she will get along better with the "dragon" than I did! However, I can pray for her. She is 15 years younger than me, so she has better nerves than me, but she also is a sensitive person...

My new job is much more simple, but I´ll get the same payment. It´s some kind of file management, documents grouped in folders and keeping computer lists that have to be updated. No real intellectual challenge, but I had enough challenges for my nervous system during the last months. All I want is to have my peace of mind back...
Eventually I really hated to go to work, always afraid of making mistakes, always afraid of sarcastic comments, never any kind of acknowledgement...it started to make me sick, and I thank God that he heard my prayers and helped me.
Another thing I´m thankful for: the personnel boss has talked to my boss already, so I didn´t have to discuss that with him, didn´t have to defend myself for my decision. It´s okay with him, as long as the work gets done....

God bless you all!
Susanne

Suzanne:
I am so happy for you! God does answer prayer.

Now you will begin to feel better.
Best of luck to you!
MaryJane

Susanne,

I am glad to hear the update that things worked in your favor!! God is good and I hope things go smoothly for you from now on.

I think we will all pray for your friend and her adventures to come working with your old manager!

Hugs and blessings from GA!!

Hi Kumiko, hi Cornflower!

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, I am really thankful for this unexpected change.
However, I feel terrible,and I ask myself why.

The old game: something good is happening, but I feel bad and my anxiety is even getting worse.... I can cope with the normal symptoms of anxiety, but lately I have had these thoughts of hurting someone or going insane, very often. WHY???

I gave my life into the hands of God, and I can really see how he changes my life, how he takes care of my problems one by one. Shouldn´t that make me happy and feel relieved?

Can it be that I have gotten used to feel like crap, even if something good happens??
Can it be that I "think" I don´t deserve good things to happen in my life because what I have been through the last 2 years in my job has hardly destroyed my self-esteem?

I had been put on this job (without being asked)exactly at the same time when my husband went to Switzerland for a new job, and I was alone with my daughter since. Both changes caused severe fears for me.
Everything I had to learn there was totally new to me, and the person who introduced me into my job disliked me from day one and didn´t make a secret of it. I tried to get along with her because I was dependend on her.
No matter how hard I tried, my work never seemed to be good enough, I never got any approval and felt rejected as a person. Our boss was always nice to me, but we didn´t have much to do with each other.

Another thing I worry about: I´m convinced that my friend will sooner or later get the same problems with my job that I had! Even if my co-worker will treat her better than me, the whole atmosphere in that department is frosty.

My friend knew everything about the problems I had with my co-worker. But she looks foward to the interesting work and also will get a little promotion then. I know that I´m not responsible, but ...
Another thing that confuses me: the personnel boss also talked to my boss about the change of jobs. (I had never involved him into my problems because I thought he was on my cop-workers side, anyway...) Now I learned - not from him - that he KNEW about our problems and wasn´t surprised to hear that I want to change!! So why did he never interfere? What a coward!

Now everything is decided, the change will probably take place in November. However, we all go on with our work, and neither my boss nor my co-worker says ANYTHING. Isn´t that weird? As if nothing has happened. I remember that my co-worker always reacted as if our problems only existed in my head, you know... Can it be that THIS also confuses me, because my feelings and my perception don´t match?

Please excuse me, but I really need some advice in this situation....

Hi!

You feel terrible for reasons I can get to later.
You are right and I think it is a part of the anxiety "illness" when you feel good something in your mind thinks it is not supposed to be that way. It seems like our mind is reprogrammed to be on gaurd at all times! I felt that way a lot and still do sometimes. My good day or good time is a set up for a panic attack from heck or something bad is about to happen or I'm going to die. I don't know what to do about that but I tell myself to just enjoy that breeze and this beautiful day and be blessed. My life and health could be worse.
You have to keep faith in the Lord and continue to pray everyday when the times are good and bad.

To be honest your job atmosphere is toxic. Maybe that is where the hurting someone/going insane thoughts are coming from. The whole atmosphere is negative and when you said the personnel boss knew about your problems and that he and your co workers don't say anything. I am sure they do but you do not hear it. I wish you could get another job elsewhere. With any job there will be people who you do not like or do not like you vice versa and you could be somewhere and things are worse but I do not think you will be happy in that job and in that negative atmosphere. Misery loves company and they are having a good time together!!

Keep in touch and let me know how things go during your transition if it happens. I am not trying to be a "negative ninny" but people in the work place cannot be trusted too much and I would not be surprised if something else happens at this job. Just hold your head up and keep thinking positive even though the atmosphere does not warrant it and stay in line with God. He will lead your decisions if you listen to him. I mean listen to your insticts!

Stay in prayer and doing the program. Isn't there a chapter on self esteem? Maybe you should review that. You need to learn how to trust yourself and learn how to like and depend on yourself!

I can also relate to how your husbands traveling changed your life. When we moved to a different state, my husband started to travel and it was me and my son who was 3 at the time were alone in a different state with no family or friends even though I liked and wanted to be where I was. I had fear and that is when my anxiety got worse and it was the worse time in my life anxiety wise. I had to learn how to depend on myself and not depend on my husband. I mean that is what mariage is about but I could not fall apart every time he left. I had to grow as a woman and it was tough but I did for me and my sons. I had never been away from my home state and my family and for the first few years of marriage we were always together but when he started traveling and was gone for 5 days or more I would just curl into a ball and be miserable and afraid because I was alone. My husband is my rock but I have learned to depend on myself like I thought I had but I realized I did not because my mother would eventually come home and I left home to get married and was together with him. I thought I was independant but I guess I was not because the first time in my life when I was alone and in the new state and I was really alone, i could not handle it. I went to college but I was in the same state and could come home on the weekends so I really was not independant in that way anyways my point is that you have to do the program and focus on the excersises. I can't remember what lesson it was but that is how I came to realize that I feared being alone and always had someone around and I was independant but not independant. Be honest with your self and you have to re evealuate yourself and find out who you are, what you want out of your life and yourself and learn to love you all over again. You are a wonderful person and God loves you and that is all you need. Of course your husband does too:-)

If you want, please PM me and let me know how things are going. I am rooting for you and your personal progress.

Dear Kumiko,
thank you so much for your reply!!
Yes, we should be able to feel safe even if we are alone. But being separated from your husband shouldn´t be "normal", either.

In my case it was the end of my marriage, we had severe problems anyway, and we are going to get divorced anyway. But that´s another story. That decision to leave him was right, but it made my fears get worse again.

By the way, I don´t have Lucinda´s program, I can´t afford it and I´m not sure if it would work for me as English isn´t my native language.

While thinking about your comment concerning my working situation, I must agreee: "toxic atmosphere" is a good description. So I ´m even more glad that I will leave here. However, I will work in another department on another floor. I will take care of the files of different departments so I will not be as dependent as I am now...

Elizabeth,

I apologize I assumed you were still married and your husband traveled. I can smpathize about being alone though.

I wonder about the program and if they have international program that encompasses diefferent languages. Worth checking out. I would not mind sending you my tapes or the cards that came with the program so you can read them everyday. I was blessed to get the program on Ebay for a good deal but I was patient and waited over a year but I got the program.

I am glad you are on a different floor and away from the other workers. That should relieve a lot of stress and you will be able to go to work everyday without your stomach in knots from nerves and just being uncomfortable and not happy.

Keep us posted on how things go. I do check up on the forum every once in awhile.