*sigh* Where does one start? At the beginning is to far, so I will start from the point that I realized I had to change things about myself! Up until recently I didn't even know the real meaning of *assertive communication*. And then recently, I had my handwriting analysed, and one of the things that got revealed was that I was a very unassertive person...darn is there an opposite for that word, or are we just called Doormats?? :-) Anyway, what this total stranger revealed about me, were things that ME and only ME knew! That I often suffered from anxiety attacks. She was right. Her answer to it was, Ihad to learn to be assertive....I was allowed to say NO....instead of yes...because I wanted to please people. I think once things are relieved to us, we tend to see them more cleary and take into account how we are and how we act! I have in the past few weeks often *trapped* myself, being in situations that I honestly didn's speak out. I allowed things to happen, and then felt bad for days. I sometimes feel bad and angry at myself, becuase I think I might be to demanding or have high expectations! Maybe so. IN a way I give alot of myself, and then I am disappointed when I feel unappreciated. I have been reading up on assetive communications...have even tried to put it in use, and must admit sometimes I feel good about it, and then there are days, like today where I feel like choking and screaming because I don't know how to deal with something that makes me sad! God, I'm rambling on here.....I hope there are some patient ppl out there :-)

Maybe it's best I simply try to explain what happened last night, and why I feel bad today!!

I have some online friends that I chat to on a regular basis! What I don't really like, is *multichat*. I go to chat rooms on occasion, where we chat as *groups* and then I have a few old friends (2-3 year friendship) that I take time to chat with on a 1:1 basis!! I take TIME to talk to one person.. This way I can have a proper conversation!! I have one particular friend, who I chat with every weekend! We have been doing this for about 1.5 years. If he comes online, I close off whatever I may be doing on the pc....I close off al other chat programs, and give him my attention!! Recently, he has added other chatters to his list! I find that more and more often he comes online....but he is multichatting, and so I find myself carrying the conversation. Infact, I get really frustrated because I sit and wait for ages for a *yes*...*no*.....*grin*. Last night infact I told him I had been sick the night before..and he sent a gggggggggggg (Laugh) in return. I knew he was not paying attention! I knew he was talking to someone else. I have on numerous occasions asked him to tell me if he is chatting with someone else, so that I can go and do my own thing. He was dissappointed and told me how much he looked forward to our chats every weekend, and that he sometimes had to talk to *others* as his wife was jealous . (I know her too, and chat with her during the week, whne he is away!!)) Last night I was getting so annoyed and angry inside...and kept politely asking if he was to busy to chat. He ignored me. AFter about one hour, I told him I noticed he was to busy and I was bored, so said goodbye and left before he could stop me from going!! I felt awful all night :-( I LOVE chatting to him....and I know he loves chatting to me. today he left me mgs asking where I was...but I sent him a polite email telling him I wouldn't be online (gave him no specific reason!). NOW:...I have DECIDED that IN FUTURE, if I come online, and he is busy....I will not stay and wait for him to talk to me! I will leave!! Question is!!!!! IF we have decided to be ASSERTIVE (�m I being assertive here at all? )

Question!!

DO WE TELL the person what we have decided, OR do we just make changes and adjustments, and NOT tell the person involved. Or am I demanding to much, that I insists he either gives me his attention, or tells me he is chatting with someone else...because he KNOWS if he tells me, I go offline! Should I just say goodnight, without giving him a reason. Or do I do it like last night, and tell him my reason???

Am I making sense here???

I suffer from axiety attacks....I wonder if I am handling things right....whether I am being childish...or demanding. No body knows of thet though.. They started 5 years ago, when my husband *thought* I was having an affair (I wasn't) and we nearly got divorced because of it. BEfore things got cleared up..he called me awful names...some of which I do not wish to repeat. One of the things he said to me, that hurt me most was.....*you might be Mrs. wonderful to the rest of the world, but in secret you are a ......*and then names I do not wish to repeat*.

I have to stop....I Hope someone understand what I am on about.....

Well Miz, it sounds to me that you were assertive, it just took you a little while to apply it. Do you know your online friend on a personal basis also? Offline? For one, I think your expectations of your online friend are too high. Almost expecting him to talk to you. Online friends can become bored with someone and move on. Other people are always going to disappoint you,'key words' "if you let them." After listening to the "Expectations" tape, I came to realize my expectations of myself and of others were way too high! Pull reverse psychology on your online friend, start blowing him off. I can almost guarantee, he'll start looking for you just like you are for him. Then you'll know if you really do have an online friend.

As far as your husband goes, men who accuse their wives of cheating are insecure. Understand that he is far from perfect! If he constantly rubs it into your face, thinking you are going to cheat on him, tell him you've heard that people who accuse people of this act are usually the ones actually commiting the act. Maybe he'll cool his jets and back off or you might start thinking the same thing he is.

You need to stand up for yourself and stop relying so much on others! Rely on yourself, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. If you expect it from others you'll always be disappointed.

Hi Mickie,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for replying! first of all, let me answer your question! YEs, I know this person and his wife offline too! But our initial meeting was online! We have been friends for 2 years,and have met (with our partners) twice!

I think I may have expressed myself wrong at some stage though! I do not expect him to only to talk to me. He can spend the weekend talking to as many ppl as he likes. the problem here is, that if I come online and talk to him, or to any other contacts on my ICQ, I talk to only one at a time! That means...i don't surf internet in this time..i don't watch tv...IU don't multichat. I am here to talk and give that person my attention! If he multichats, then I am the one carrying the conversations....I stare at the screen , waiting for replies..and it gets boring and annoying!! Infact, I consider it rude...because the other day, he asked how I was. My reply was.... *last night I was up from 3am, I felt sick and green!*..his answer was *gggggggggg (means laugh). It meant he was not paying attention!! ALL I want from him, is....IF he is SLOW and busy otherwise that he simply TELLS me his is busy...I infact politely ask him...ARE YOU busy? This question he usually ignores!! He doesn't reply, because he knows very well I will go offline, if I know he is multitasking!! NO problems as far as I am concerned, cause then I am free to do my own thing,and go offline, instead of wasting time and staring at the screen!!

But I DID understand what you said! I have sent him a polite email, and told him how I felt the other day. I have informed him, that in future I will not embarrass myself by asking him if he is to busy to talk, if the conversation is slow.. I will simply say goodbye and talk to him another time! I have informed him, if he has TIME to chat...he can send me a short msg on my handy!! Lets see what comes of it.

As to my husband. that was a one time thing! We are thank god past all issues of jealousy! Once again, you are very right in what you suggested. He assumed I was having an online affair soon after I got myself my own pc and internet connection. HE had been chatting 5 years longer then me, and it later came out, that he infact was the one who misbehaved. it all came about, because if he came home he kept teasing me about being *internet addicted*. So after awhile I started feeling bad, that I was spending my spare time on the pc. I only came on when my work was done...where as for years he spend every spare minute chatting! I was to busy to mind!! I started feeling so bad..that if he came home earlier from work, I logged out to quick cause I was tired of the teasing and nagging!! One thing led to another, and he put keylogger on my pc. He read that I had good friendships...even with men....but there was nothing there to suggest I was having an affair: What really pissed him off in the end he said was how *open and humours and chatty* my friends where. He felt that was a bigger deceit, then if I had cybered!!!!! WE have worked it all out...but I went through hell there....because it has left it's scared. It was not nice to be spied on that way....sometimes I am even paranoid. I told him...if he ever ever did that again, I wuld divorce him for breach of privacy!! Things are great with us now....they honestly are!!

I don't know if I really rely on others..or maybe I just don't see it properly. I know I don't like to hurt others....i dont like arguments...and I am never honest to others if they hurt me with things they say or do! In away I dont let ppl see how I feel inside..even when I hurt. Most ppl see me as someoen who is strong and deals with everything with humour. OnceI went visiting and someone asked my family how they were....then they looked at me and said...*don't have to ask you how you are, you're always good*

I don't feel good about whining here either to tell you the truth........... :-(

btw.....I have reread my post....geezzzz all those english mistakes. I speak german all day....so sometimes at the end of the day, if I have to type english, it all gets confused....I hope you understand it anyway :-)

Sounds like you have figured out when he is chatting with others too. Let him do it his way. Just because you only chat with one at a time doesnt mean that others have to do it that way too. I'm not trying to be rude but I think we tend to put up standards and expect that those standards apply to everyone else too. I think you figured out what to do. When you notice he is not responding then say goodnight and move on. Maybe the next time he wont be so busy. YOu dont have to make a big deal of it, and you dont have to tell him your plan. By repecting your own time and converstation style you are asserting yourself. And I think it nice that you are doing that. I've had to do that with poeple on here too. Sometimes Im the one that is busy doing ohter things online and can't talk much. So, no biggie.

Reena

Hallo Reena,

Thank your for your post! WEll, I am going to do it the way you suggested it. But in the meantime, he has already sent a msg, wondering why I left so *soon* on the particular day, and *why* I didn't come on as usual the next day!! He says he *hopes* I wasn't *mad* at him for not talking to me only.....BUT he HAS to talk to others, as his wife doesn't like him to only talk to me. Well.....who ever stopped him from talking to others? Just because I can't be bothered to *occupy* myself while he has half a converstation with me...doesn't make me he has to stop what he is doing! all I ask, is he lets me know..so I can go. But it seems, not asking..simply going is the right way to do it.... let him wonder!!

Actually, I think I just used that as an example as well....trying to figure out if I am demanding or being assertive.....or simply aggressive!!! There would be heaps of examples. I think what stesses me out the most, is finding the fine line between the above too..... seems like I DO have high expectations of myself and my friends! lets hope I find the answers soon....cause inside I am feel like a ticking bomb....just walking on thin ice..trying to please everyone...and like now..nearly exploding when I feel like lashing out and saying...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo that is now what I want........

Reena,

I just thought about something you said....

quote....

>>> Let him do it his way. Just because you only chat with one at a time doesnt mean that others have to do it that way too.

See, this is where I have my problem. Who is expecting to much from whom here? If I am not to expect that others have the same (in my example) chat standards like me.....is it to much to ask them to respect mine as well??? I don't say that everyone HAS to only talk to ME alone....MY only expectation IS, that they don't HOLD me in a *half conversation*, if they have no time. I have about 15 regular chat friends, to whom I talk to on a very irregular basis, and all of us know this. IF we have no time for conversattion...then we don't START one!!! I make it a rule infact, not even to show to these ppl, if I am going to ignore them! If I am showing...I'm available...if not....I don't show. With some, we simply say hi, how are you and goodbye...and let each other go!! It works...BUT I find the closer I am to someone, the hard it is for me to simply say....HEY this is the way I do it....take it or leave it. He is very special to me....I just clam up....and get all angry inside. Sadly, but honestly..I have to admit....ist not HIM I made at...it's me cause I know I am making a big deal out of this..... :-(

I'm not trying to be rude but I think we tend to put up standards and expect that those standards apply to everyone else too. I think you figured out what to do. When you notice he is not responding then say goodnight and move on. Maybe the next time he wont be so busy. YOu dont have to make a big deal of it, and you dont have to tell him your plan. By repecting your own time and converstation style you are asserting yourself. And I think it nice that you are doing that. I've had to do that with poeple on here too. Sometimes Im the one that is busy doing ohter things online and can't talk much. So, no biggie.

Reena[/QB][/QUOTE]

quote:

Actually, I think I just used that as an example as well....trying to figure out if I am demanding or being assertive.....or simply aggressive!!! There would be heaps of examples. I think what stesses me out the most, is finding the fine line between the above too..... seems like I DO have high expectations of myself and my friends! lets hope I find the answers soon....cause inside I am feel like a ticking bomb....just walking on thin ice..trying to please everyone...and like now..nearly exploding when I feel like lashing out and saying...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo that is now what I want........

When you are new to something, ex. assertiveness, then it is just going to take time to find that happy medium. It takes trial and error. DOnt worry about making a mistake. Expect it. But most mistakes arent going to be earth shattering. Just learning experiences. One thing I had ot learn is that there are more than 'my' ways of doing things. And the other ways are just as good as mine. The way someone else washes the dishes, or pays thier bills, or shops, or talks on the computer, is just fine. Its just as fine as my way. There is no right way or wrong way to do just about anything. We cannot hold others to our expectations. Its like a control thing. YOu cannot control what or how someone else does things. And thats ok. IT takes the pressure off of you for a multitude of things. YOu dont have to worry about others. They can take care of themselves. Personally, I liked the feeling of freedom I got when I released this perceived control issue. The one of "if its not done my way then its not done right".

Aggressiveness would be a different thing. Synonyms would be...Violent, hostile, destructive, aggressive, belligerent, antogonistic.

Assertive...self confident, self assured, firm.

Im sure you will find a balance. Baby steps. Take your time. Enjoy the learning process. I was also going to say if you feel like you are running around trying to please everyone then you are probably being a doormat and letting yourself be used. Not intentionally. Just the way you've done it and now that you are learning a new way, its uncomfortable. Its ok to please yourself as well. Its ok to NOT do something that you dont want to do. You can say 'no' without and explanation.

Reena

I think you have just used the word that describes me best...lol.....*doormat*. That is exactly my problem ....it's absolutely NOT that I expect ppl to do things me way. I am constantly *adjusting and compromising* so that everyone else can do it their way, and in the end I ask myself...HEY, how about how I want to it. I neglect my inner needs in order to please everyone else.

Let me add....I didn't ever really know I was an un-assertive person, up until recently. I had my handwriting analysed from an Expert. I did this because, on the outside I had a *happy, no problem* image, in deep inside I knew I was having serious problems, because I started to suffer from *anxiety/panic* attacks. Not to mention I was often nervous and the inside, even though I am good at hiding how I feel...sometimes I was close to erupting. I began to noticed that what set it off, was when I didn't stand up for myself, when I felt that I had a different point of view, or wanted to do something *differently*. Instead of speaking up, and saying no, or pointing out that I had a *different* view...I bottled up my frustation..which caused yet again these *secret* attacks!!

I didn't tell this Graphologist a single thing about me, nor why I was having my handwriting analysed. Even though I have many strengths, one of my *main* weaknesses was that I (quote).... *try to hard to please others, and neglect my own wishes. This could cause an innere frustation that could eventually lead to certian illnesses like, highbloodpressure, headaches, axietey/panic attack, which infact my handwriting was already clearly showing*.(She just didn't know which one of the above I was already suffering from) BINGO...I was a volcano ready to erupt!! And even I knew it! They also give advise on how to deal with this weakness. The advise was...*learn to be more assertive* GEez, I don't even think I knew that word before that day!!!!! And so I started searching for *tools* to help me become more assertive. When I finally found out the difference between an assertive or nonassertive person, I just sat beside the computer and cried, because I knew without a doubt which one I was, and what was causing my attacks. The answer to one test said... * STOP BEING SO NICE, people will love you even if you give LESS* I was obviously trying to impress the *computertest* as well......

I know I am on the right road....and I know it's not going to be easy! I think that's why I am glad I found this place. I see I am not the only one....and it's sure good to unload and ramble on about it. I haven't talked to anyone in my real life about this.....nor do I want too, so I am glad there are ppl here, who are taking the time to say things and ask questions, so that I can talk about it....

thank you

I can remember when I would get ready to say something I thought was assertive and my heart would pound sooo hard and I would get sooo nervous, but its not so bad now. I think I was just really afraid of confrontation or upsetting someone. It really gets to me when someone is saying stuff that I KNOW I should respond to but I get so shaken that I dont know what to say, until later, and by then I just chicken out. I am still learning. You are halfway there already. Just recognizing it is half the battle. Its is nice to be able to come on here and get some input and to just be able to let stuff out.

Reena

Smile....yep Reena...you have just described how I felt this weekend, when I felt I was making my first really assertive step! What is really tough, is when you make the step....and realize that *exactly* what you were afraid of actually happens. Your step has not be met kindly and with understanding. I got those heartbeats, that breakout of sweat...and then for a moment I cringed and thought....*shit, what have I done* But now a couple of days later, I know I made the right decision,because it feels *right*...so have to stick to it

thank you for posting reena

quote:

Originally posted by Reena:
[qb]I can remember when I would get ready to say something I thought was assertive and my heart would pound sooo hard and I would get sooo nervous, but its not so bad now. I think I was just really afraid of confrontation or upsetting someone. It really gets to me when someone is saying stuff that I KNOW I should respond to but I get so shaken that I dont know what to say, until later, and by then I just chicken out. I am still learning. You are halfway there already. Just recognizing it is half the battle. Its is nice to be able to come on here and get some input and to just be able to let stuff out.

Reena[/qb]