Hi everyone,

I am really interested in becoming more assertive. I don't really know anyone that I think is really great at it, like Lucinda does. Its kind of hard to encourage yourself when you're not too sure of what you're doing or you don't have a lot of examples to follow. So I'm going to throw out some examples of what I think has been assertive behavior on my part, or things others have done around me to try to notice it more, and so have more examples of what to do next time I have opportunity. I'd love to hear examples from other people.

Ok, so

I was uncomfortable being hit on by a guy in a class I took. I didn't feel comfortable speaking up then. BUT, I contacted the group leader and told her about my discomfort. Now she is working with me to try to change the situation so I can avoid working with him in the future.

I work at various places, and one guy asked me to work for him, and I did for one weekday. He then asked me if I wanted to schedule more dates. He only wanted me to work saturdays from 8-5. I set up a few dates, but felt taken advantage of. I could have made more money working elsewhere on saturdays, plus they are more valuable to me, so I should have charged more. I felt that he knew that, and never brought it up in advance because he knew if I thought about it, I wouldn't do it. So I called him back and said that in order to work saturdays I would need a higher wage. He became irate and said that I couldn't change my rate after I'd agreed to work for him. I could still work but at the previous rate. I said sorry, but I would rather not. He was not happy, but I got what I wanted, and I didn't get angry. I just stated things as I saw them.

My mother sometimes gets really negative. I have started to just say, I'd like to talk about something else, or could we change the subject please? Its my polite way of saying, I don't want to talk about this negative stuff.

If a guy asks me out and I am not sure, I just ask him for his phone number. That way he won't call me. And I can call him or not.

I get too much junk mail, so I started calling the company phone # and ask them politely to take me off their list. The same with telemarketers. If they try to give me a pitch, I politely say, no thankyou, I'm not interested. EVEN if they ask me a leading question, like 'wouldn't you like a lower interest rate? I don't respond to it. Just no thankyou.

I used to get angry, because I thought it was normal. Now I know its no way to solve anything. I feel much more assertive. I still have some work to do though!

Anyone have examples? I'll keep posting things as they happen. Also, if you think what I did isn't assertive but agressive or passive, let me know.

Thanks!

Deb

Hi Deb,

I think you are doing great with this. I can't say I understand it that well either, but the part about the guy getting mad at you about working for him was funny. Sounds like he saw someone he thought he might could take advantage of. Don't know if that's the case, but it sounds like it. You have every right to set your own terms and not feel guilty about it. His reaction is his responsibility. The other situations sound like good judgement to me also.

Thanks for the encouragement Don!

Got one more for you,

I've been volunteering for a local animal rescue organization, and they called and left a message asking me to help them out on Monday. I really don't want to. It sounds like an ugly situation and it might end up in court.

So I called back and just said I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. She was really nice about it, and didn't try to persuade me.

Cheers,

Deb

Sounds like you handled it perfectly to me. Just saying no I can't help with that with no explanation of why. Getting into explanations can open us up for others to take advantage, I think. Thumbs up on this one also.

Ok,

I'm getting to be an assertiveness "buff".

I found a way to 'have an opinion' without it becoming too intense for me to handle. Sometimes when I am having a more intense discussion with someone, I withdraw, because I don't want to argue, or upset anyone. However I feel like my voice hasn't been heard, and I end up resenting it.

So, I found a website that features peoples political views. I have lots of those, but I don''t share them much because my family is pretty touchy on the subject.

Its a great chance to be assertive. Because you can write your point of view, wait for the responses, and then think before you respond, without a person standing right there in front of you. No strong emotions. Not as many anyway.
Its pretty interesting to see how others respond too. Not always very assertive! Usually aggressive.

Hi Deb and Don,

I read your post about being assertive. It was a great read for me. Thanks. Years ago I had assertiveness training, and it really helped!
I am dealing with shame lately and makes assertiveness harder, so I am reading this subject to get me back up to a practical par with my thoughts/actions.
I think it's good to remember that 'No' is a full sentence. I think there are some effective books out outlining assertive behavior while showing passive and aggressive along with it.
( I don't have any titles of those books though-self help section carries this type.)
I am struggling with shame because I don't have a career and a decent income. In the past I have had a career. Now, I am trying to find the courage to pursue an interest that would be a good career path. I know I am worthwhile in general, but it's hard for me function daily like I have some merit without being financially independent.
I am working the program.
Thanks again for the posts.

Best to you,
Kelly

Hi Kelly,

I'm glad you found some use from this post. Not too many people write here. I wish that more would!
Does your shame get in the way of you being assertive? I do that sometimes. I've gotten so that if I really need to do it, I just force myself to at first, and then it gets easier. The longer I wait, the more painful it becomes to do it. I am almost always relieved and more relaxed when I do.
An example... sometimes I'm intimidated by people I work with because I think that they don't like me. (self esteem, I know) I struggle because I don't want to go out of my way and work too hard to get them to like me, but on the other end of it, what if I'm overreacting and they are just not very talkative. Besides, I have to work with em, right? So if I need something from them I ask for it, otherwise, I don't go out of my way to make small talk, because I don't really want to.
For whatever that's worth to you...

Write a few of your 'assertiveness' questions, I'd love to hear them!

Deb

Hey guys, I haven't been here in a while, sorry! Anyway I had a question, and I'd really appreciate any advice that you all could give me.

Well, a month or so ago, my best friend and my other friends went out to see a movie. I wasn't invited. I had told one of my friends that I would be out of town, so that may be why I wasn't invited. It hurt me when I found out. I want to give my best friend the benefit of a doubt though. This is not the only thing that has happened. I feel like she has taken advantage of me. It felt very much like our friendship was a one way street. I would call her up, and we would go out and do something, but I was always the one to ask and the one to drive. As you all know, gas is not cheap. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect anything, but the offer would have been nice.
After a while, I finally got tired of it. I haven't contacted her in a while. I'm debating on whether or not I should call and tell her how I feel. That was a goal that I had made for the week.
I'd appreciate any thoughts on the situation. Thanks, and have a great day!

Hi Emmie,

Its hard for me to see the whole picture...I guess you need to decide whether you're willing to accept that she won't call you. I have friends like that. Actually family members like that. I will call them and they love talking, but for whatever reason, they never initiate the call and never call back if I leave a message. It depends too on how she's treating you. And if you don't want to spend the money on gas, tell her so. Say, you know I'd like to go out with you, but I don't want to drive, would you drive this time? And have a plan for how you think she might respond so you don't get angry or taken advantage of. I think a lot of my own problems with people stem from the fact that I never really express what I think, feel, need or want in a way that they understand. Maybe she thinks you don't mind driving, and is taking advantage a little bit because you haven't said anything.
Next time you have opportunity to go out with her, ask her to drive, and see how she reacts. Will she, say ok? Will she give you a hard time and try to get you to drive?
I hope I helped answer some of your questions!

Deb

Thanks a bunch Deb. Your suggestions really helped.

The thing is about her driving is she doesn't have a car, which I understand, but she could still drive.

Her and I have been friends since our freshman year of high school. We just graduated a little over a year ago. It's funny. It almost seems like things change over night when you graduate. You move on and a lot of times you lose touch with a lot of your friends. I feel alone in some ways, but I go on, and I can make other friends.

Anywayz, thank you for taking the time to reply. I know it's hard to see the whole situation through just e-mail. I may have made it confusing.

Thanks again! God bless!

Hey Emmie,

After highschool a lot of things change. Are you going to school in the fall?

Even if she doesn't have a car she can pay for gas. I've been there too! Had a friend once that I shuttled all over the place.

Good luck!

deb

Hi Deb. How are ya? Hope all is well on your end.

Anyhow, I am going to school in the fall. It's been over a year since I graduated.

I had another question for you. I've read some of your responses to other people's posts, and it seems like you're pretty comfortable with being assertive. I do know that it takes LOTS of practice as well as patience with yourself. Anyhow, my question was, do you think that I should to talk to her about how I feel? I have another question as well. Do you think that I should initiate us going out and maybe ask her if she can pitch in for gas?????? I know that these things weigh ultimately on my decisions, but it does help to receive advice from others who have been through similar situations and who are now being assertive.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It is very much appreciated. Happy July 4th!!!!

In Christ,
Emily

Hi Emily,

Thanks for the compliment! You made my day! Actually I am much more comfortable being assertive, its easier with people I don't know (vs my family, ugh). And some days are better than others.
As for telling your friend how you feel, go for it. As long as you are specific, but don't blame. And don't get angry, because it won't work too well. As the program says, tell her how you feel, directly, without blame, anger, or resentment but as confidently as you can. My big thing used to be anger. I'd be quiet for sometimes MONTHS about something that bugged me, then I'd blow up. I thought I had to be angry to confront somebody. Bad approach! Feels good for about a minute, then you've got the awkward encounters afterward. And in some cases I still feel bad about what I said.
Try to pinpoint what it is that's bugging you. Come up with a short sentence or two that sums it up. (Ann, I don't want to drive and pay for gas each time we go out. Can you drive and pay for gas every other weekend?)
Once you have your 'assertive plan', tell her you need to talk and just stick with the plan. Don't get caught up in trying to justify your feelings, just state them. It is really hard sometimes not to talk.
As for asking her to go out and then asking her to pay for gas, I think maybe you need to just sit her down first and directly tell her that its a problem for you. She'll have time to go away and think it over. If you ask her to go out first, then bring it up, she might resent it. Then she's kind of on the spot, if you know what I mean?
Hope this helps!

Today I was assertive at work. I refused to do something that would be a bad risk for me. I just said, sorry I'm not comfortable doing that. And they found someone else to do it.

And after I was taken advantage of a few weeks ago at work (someone used my name on a legal document that I had no knowledge of) I told the office manager that I didn't want my name on documents if I didn't have anything to do with the procedure. It worked! Now everyone knows what I want. I've learned that even if you get taken advantage of, you can learn from it, and come back later with a plan, and change it. So even if it happens, its really just an opportunity for later.

Have a good one!

Deb

I'm glad my compliment made your day!

You're definitely right. It is easier to be assertive with people you don't know that well than with the ones that are closer to you. It seems it was easier for me to be assertive at work than with my family and friends. Oh, and good for you for standing up for yourself at work! Just like Lucinda says, we are really good at catastrophicizing. I feel anxious just thinking about trying to be assertive, but I'll be comfortable with it once I practice it more and more.

I've actually written out a little plan of things that I want to bring up with her when I talk to her. I'm going to use "I messages," and I'm not going to place the blame on her. Honestly, I'm not angry at her anymore. I just want to see what the both of us can do to better the situation.

Thanks again for your help! Oh, did you have a good 4th? Hope so. Tootles!

Emily