I often wonder if my family will always be a torturous factor in my life!!

As some of you know, I work for my dad and we are the only two employees. He is 65 and has decided to semi-retire and let me run the office 90% of the time. He works 8-10, me 10-5 daily.

He is the the most selfish person in the world! He shows love with money only, never support or time. He spends half his life at the country club and has a "better than anyone" kind of attitude. Since I was a little girl, we all have bent over backwards to not say the wrong thing, be disrespectful, or say anything negative to or about him. He sees this as not appreciating what he has given us in lifestyle and material objects.

I have worked 2 years now and have never had a vacation. A few times he has returned late afternoon to let me go home...but this VERY rare, maybe has happened 3 times in 2 years.

He and my mother have invited us to a seafood buffet and dance at the country club on Friday for my birthday. They know we live for seafood!! LOL

Anyway, I ran to the mall to do a few errands yesterday and called him about 30 minutes before I was to be at work. I told him I had a few more stops to make and he gave me the attitude that it was no problem as long as I was still there by 10....the mall is 15 minutes from work..which gave me a whole 15 minutes to finish!!!! So, needless to say..I was unable to do anything else and started towards the office.

Last night I told him I would have to run over and finish my errands in the a.m. I get a call this morning at 820am..it is him telling me he HAD to leave by 9..could I please get there as soon as possible. I got a shower and went to leave. My keys were locked in the van!! I call him to tell him I have the service station on the way and he says okay in a huffy, demeaning voice and hangs up.

I just snapped....I was pacing around the house when my husband walked in a few minutes later. I was cussing and screaming about how love is money to my family and I didn't even want to go to dinner now. My entire family thinks that when someone does something for you owe that person respect and you never complain or be ungrateful. Well, why is it that me working for my dad is HIM DOING ME A FAVOR???? They all see it that way! Am I not doing anything for him by working my ass off for his business while he makes megabucks and I barely get a secretary's pay?????

I am so angry right now and yet can't really say too much. I mentioned it to my mom and sis and they look at me like I have 4 eyeballs! It is that, "Here we go, troublemaker and ingrate!" look!! GRRRRRRRR I stod my ground, but the lack of compassion and even an ounce of understanding kills me!

I am having trouble knowing how to be assertive IN A POSITIVE WAY WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A WHINER!! Can anyone relate or offer some insight? Thanks in advance.

Hi there!

I wish i had more time to write just now, but wanted to say a few words.

Reading this was like reading about a story of a slave and her master! Somebody who is 'victim' to her situation and has no choice but to remain stuck in these circumstances.
It isn't that i don't understand, believe me! But you (and everyone else in your family) is NOT doing your father any favours by making sure 'not to rock the boat'. You all dance around him and give him the most amazing POWER! I 'know' this dance and how it originates and you have GOT to take a step OUT of the usual choreography! You all GIVE this man the power over you! So, never mind how you come off, if you aren't PERFECT in your assertion...this involves YEARS of an emotional pattern fixed into place. Of course, remaining calm feels far better than 'losing it', but you have to start somewhere with this!

I have a father i have felt afraid of for my entire life. He is now 82, and still...i feel this effect and have to fight my old reactions. We all learned very early on that 'daddy can't handle it when you ............' and the same went for my mother. So, i learned how to 'take care' of his feelings ~ NOT MY JOB!!!!! And NOT YOUR'S!!!!! It is YOUR feelings you must take care of, first and foremost. If this causes him anger or hurt, how can that possibly be your doing?!! Oh God ~ i know how difficult this stuff can be, with family! It's all that old programming that we still operate out of.
We need to change our BELIEFS ~ and you (just as i have had) have beliefs that you cannot behave or must behave certain ways with regard to your father. This is oppression, based on LIES. And as long as you (we) keep on allowing him to have this kind of power, we continue to hate and feel enraged with the 'one who is causing it'. But at this point, it's we who are allowing it! I know that when we start to FIRMLY assert our basic human rights (*whether he understands or not!) and ACT on what we say ~ that is when we stop hating or blaming 'him'. As long as we keep shutting down our REAL feelings and betray ourselves, we remain victimized and enragaed. Makes sense? I am going through something very similar.

Okay, take good care and talk to you later,
Lindiloo

Wow! I can see you totally relate. It is such a hard thing to break a way of life that has existed for so long. Isn't it funny how we can feel so un-empowered around a parent like that? I sometimes think I will always be a 10 year old around him...feeling like I have to follow HIS rules. This one will take plenty of time to turn around..but I have to keep with it.

Hi Maggie,
The problem is that you need to tell your Dad how you feel! Tell your Mom and Sister isn't going to help anything. Call your Dad and tell him you would like to talk to him, if he says he hasn't the time tell him to make time. Don't point fingers at him,let him know how you feel that money is more important to him then you and your feelings ect ect.Tell him how much you love and respect him,how you have leaned from some of his strenghts, But how sad it make you when when he is so demaning of your time and feelings.You haven't had a vacation ? Make plans now to take one let him know that you will not be in the office that week, and that he need to make arrangements for that time.Standing up for yourself is not showing your dad disrespect,its showing him and the rest of the family self respect.If you worked for someone else you would not take that kind of treatment.Make sure you think everything through,say what you have to say out of love and respect.Take a stand, be strong

Thanks for the reply, sundance. I totally get what you are saying and I would tell anyone the same..but when it is happening to you....YIKES, it is so complex.

I have been down this road before with him and other members of my family. When I approach him, and I have once before, he will say...."What?? You can have a day off whenever you want....... Just let me know in advance." So, then I do and then he leaves me a message saying that something important has come up and he ABSOLUTELY has to be there...it is urgent. GRRRRRRRR

Then I get so bent out of shape and miserable that I get a "Why even bother" attitude. Then the resentment builds and this cycle just repeats itself. I know i have to take responsibility for this too, but it is just so hard to stand up to your ultimate authority figure.

Sounds like you need a new job.

MaggieMay,

I can kind of relate but my assertiveness problem is with everyone. I feel like I get walked on all the time. I have a hard time even telling the kids selling stuff outside the store no. I want everyone to like me and never really let my feelings or preferences known. I really don't know what to say as encouragement cause I'm trying to figure it out to. The only thing I can say is I undertand.

Try taking the attitude that: what do I have to loose out of this whole mess.
When your dad called you before you where about to take a vacation saying you must come to the office, your reply should have been: NO!!!!! i have scheduled a vacation and that's what will be. It could be that subconsciously you are worrying about loosing your job which i don't think will happen, but again what do you have to loose, this situation is not gonna last anyways, you are building resentment inside and at some point it'll burst. On the other hand you will gain allot: you will be at peace with yourself and if you keep at it your father will realize that he can no longer push your buttons like that he will HAVE to make the change.