This is the first message I'm posting since starting the program. I'll be starting Week 11 tomorrow. Right about now I have no idea who I am!!! I feel like I'm on the verge of something great, but I'm also resisting, fearful, confused, doubtful, and feeling guilty about the rollercoaster of changes.

I just had an instance where I ended up in uncontrollable crying fit (which is something I've minimized from everyday to maybe once or twice a week), feeling helpless, because I feel like my attempt at assertiveness backfired. This has been a rough road for my boyfriend and me since he got the big Midwest Center box in the mail before I was able to get to it! He didn't have the slightest inclination about my severe depression/anxiety until he saw the package. Once I started opening up to him and trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings, he was very supportive. But the condition is frustrating for both of us, as a couple and on an individual basis, and lately, for the past couple weeks or so, I feel like he's been preoccupied w/work, football, the computer, tv, etc, and hasn't really been showing that he wants to hear how I'M doing. I know that in reality, yes, he's been very busy at work, has been traveling a lot, working 12 hour days, not sleeping enough. (And some of my other feelings might just be my own insecurity/perception.) Even though he asks on a daily basis how I'm doing, I feel like it's not his priority. He made a comment tonight that I got frustrated with, so I decided now would be the time to tell him how I've been feeling instead of trying to keep pushing it away. I was consciously trying to be very careful and use "I feel" statements, not raise my voice, not become irritated or irrational, give specific examples, basically just use some new skills. It turned into a pretty heated, 2 hour long, conversation/argument --he felt like I was accusing him of things, I was blaming him, I was angry... I feel like he missed the point, was not focusing on the meaning of what I was trying to communicate, was trying to win a battle, that he just wanted to prove HIS point, or "one-up" me, or how I was wrong.

WHOA!!! I, for once, was trying to be open and civily express my hurt (like he's suggested over and over)! and he was getting so angry and frustrated. I was thinking, "How could he be reacting this way?!?!" So I got frustrated and starting crying like I normally do when I feel like things have gotten out of control. He rolled over to go to sleep and my mind was RACING!!! I HAD to get out of bed. The silence and darkness were exacerbating my utter sense of helplessness and failure. I ended up pacing around the living room, just wanting to run outside (at 11:30 pm)!!! Run, so that maybe I wouldn't have to focus on my whirling thoughts. Crying. Thinking, "What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. Maybe I was accusing him. Look at what I get for trying to express myself.. I'm being selfish. I've made him feel bad..." This is just how I feel whenever I've had arguments in the past w/my mom, dad, best friend, etc etc etc, like what I'm saying isn't valid or being validated. I feel like I get shotdown. I went full-speed-ahead into feeling like the "victim," like everything was out of MY control, and I had not control over how I could react to his reaction.

Basically, I know my depression and anxiety is extremely hard on our relationship, and I give him A LOT of credit for sticking by me as long as he has! But it's something that I don't know how to deal with as a couple, so that it doesn't tear us apart, and so we both feel like our needs are being met. I want him to understand EVERYTHING about how I'm feeling (even though I know that is an unrealistic expectation!), sometimes I feel like he's not doing enough, and I know that's MY own issue, so I need to learn how to not get frustrated with him or myself.

Can anyone give suggestions for how your significant others have dealt with your condition, and how I can better understand how my boyfriend might be feeling? And how I can get out of this futile victim role?!

(Thank you all for reading this. It was such a relief & release, and it saved me from my hysterics!)

Hi Startingover,

Congratulations on making it to week 11! You are doing great! Try and be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to change. The program is 15 weeks, but changing our thinking may take longer, sometimes much longer. We are going through a process which has no 15 week time limit on it. Give yourself as much time as it takes to learn and make the skills in the program part of your thinking. You will probably want to go back over some parts after you have finished it.

One of the main reasons we have depression and or anxiety, in my opinion, is because we have tried to get our self esteem, self worth, and self confidence from external sources rather than from ourselves. These external sources have become our safe places from which we derive our security and our self worth. Now we are learning that we need to develop the capacity to do this for ourselves, get it from ourselves. You are in the process of seeking to make that a reality for yourself.

We all want our loved ones to support us, that's only natural. But we can't control their response, try as we may. I had similar feelings as you with my wife. She just wasn't supportive enough, she didn't listen to me enough. That's because she is who she is and I was a bit too emotionally dependent upon her for my own stability. Over time I have found a balance. The bottom line is that I am responsible for myself and no one else is.

Your quote:
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This is just how I feel whenever I've had arguments in the past w/my mom, dad, best friend, etc etc etc, like what I'm saying isn't valid or being validated. I feel like I get shotdown. I went full-speed-ahead into feeling like the "victim," like everything was out of MY control, and I had not control over how I could react to his reaction.
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Sounds like you may not have gottent the support you needed as you were growing up. I didn't either. I felt the same way as what you have said here. I didn't feel validated growing up. My need for competance wasn't met, I don't think. My parents loved me, but no one is perfect. They didn't know how to meet the needs I had for security, self esteem, self confidence, and competance.

No one else is going to do this for us. We have to do it for ourselves. It is our responsibility to make ourselves feel validated, to give ourselves self esteem, self confidence. The program shows us how. We just have to keep at it until we begin to sense it happening. There will come a time when you won't need to feel validated by your boyfriend, you'll be able to get it from yourself. Be patient, keep working the program and in time it will happen. Don't blow the argument with your boyfriend out of proportion. Don't make it bigger than it really is. We all make mistakes and it's okay to make mistakes. In time you will understand all the thoughts and emotions you feel and be able to make sense of it all. In time you will find you have control of you. I think the key is to give yourself sufficient time to grow and change.

I posted a thread yesterday which may help. It's very long, sorry about that. But it does explain what is happening with you and what we all go through. It's under General Comments/Inquiries Regarding the Attacking Anxiety and Depression Program. It's titled "Feelings of Inadequacy and emotional dependency" in case you are interested. Be good to yourself, love yourself unconditionally. In time you will come out of this strong and in control.

Hi Don,

Thank you so much for your response. Your messages are always so helpful and insightful! I think you're 100% about needing to look within myself for confidence, esteem, validation. I, too, feel like I lacked that as a child, either from my parents or from myself. Consequently, I am VERY depedent upon other people's opinions and reactions. If someone doesn't like what I say or doesn't agree with it, then I usually/automatically beat myself up or think I did something wrong, instead of being proud of myself for expressing my feelings, instead of maybe even realizing THEY are the ones whose opinion is thwarted. I'm learning how to depend on myself though, slowly but surely. I can already feel some amazing changes in my thoughts and reactions since starting the program. I am so grateful for it and the support of everyone on here! Also, I read your post on inadequecy and found it very helpful & informative. Thank you, again!