Ok, yesterday I went out to lunch with some of my coworkers,something that I haven't done in a long time because I didn't want to deal with them. I think there was six of us that day. We were all trying to decide where to go during lunch. Usually the most aggressive people win. But they still ask everyone where they want to go. The place I suggest the most aggressive people didn't want to go to. But because we didnt have alot of time we ended up having to go to the place I suggested. Do you know that one of the people that went who didn't want to go to this place had an attitude the whole time. She didn't hardly want to talk and when we first got there all she order was some water. Then she order some dip ate a little,said it was nasty and sent it back. Then she did it again. And the other co-workers won't hardly talking either, but none of them had an attitude like she did. And later when I paid my check, everyone received the change except me. So I was wondering if my check was paid. Even though my change was only 1.67. I still wanted to make sure that my check was paid , I was going to let him keep the change. But when I asked the waiter about my check just to make sure it was paid she jump down my throat saying " you act like your change was 5.00 or more, your all worried about a dollar and sixty cents. All I wanted to do was make sure my check was paid. I really don't like this particular female because she is so blunt all the time . She just says whatever she wants to say to me. Am I wrong for not liking her? Was I wrong for making sure my check was paid? Maybe that time I should have kept my mouth shut. I let the waiter keep the change. Why is it that I have to always go somewhere that I don't want to go, but one day we go somehere that I want to go and she doesn't she throws a fit. It is not fair. I'm not going to lunch with them anymore. What do you think.

Hi dinah449,

If it helps at all I don't think you were wrong. You were able to go to a place you wanted to go & that's fair. You shouldn't always have to go to a place the aggressive ones want to go to. As far as the change from the waitress goes you were in the right there also. If people had a little less attitude the world would be a better place to live in. Take care!

Midnight blue

I think everyone is responsible for their own actions. If this co-worker of yours wants to act like she does, then let her. BUT don't let it affect you having a good time. I know that sounds easier said then done, but I think that she probably acts like that alot, and that's unfortunate for her, but it's really not your problem.

Keep your head high, I don't think you have done anything wrong. THere's nothing wrong about looking out for other people but sometimes it can be really emotionally draining.
Sander

Thanks Midnight Blue and Sander for the kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. Thanks for responding to my topic.

I'd just like to add that...in that situation you were just being honest and making sure that you had paid for your meal...there's NOTHING wrong with that, in fact...it's the right thing to do and for some reason that agressive co-worker decided to give you attitude about it. Like the others said...don't let their bad attitude affect you so much, I mean anytime someone around you is acting stupid it sends a bad vibe but you don't have to let it get to you to a point where its over bothersome

now you know in your heart of hearts what what you did was not wrong. Don't let that woman's issues and I do mean HER issues upset you. Her being so negative is HER problem don't let it ruin your day. Tough noogies she didn't get to go where she wanted...she lived. Don't let them get you down hon...you did good..stand up for yourself. We'll take you out for lunch next time...and you can pick anywhere you want

Kick her butt. Well, not literally but be assertive. Tell her to shutup if you have to. She sounds aggressive so you will have to be aggressive in your response. You will feel a lot better about yourself and she will respect you more if you put her in her place. It doesn't always work that way but its worth a shot.

No offense to anyone...but remember there is a difference betwn assertive and aggressive. The progrm teaches us to b assertive. Aggression begets agression and that just gives the aggressor an excuse to continue in that vein. If someone says, "Shut your face." the other person will respond with something like, "Make me #%*" Soon we deteriorate into playground behavior.

Listen to tape 7 one more time, read the material, and if you wish-tell us what you learned from the lunch situation. How would you handle it today if it happened?

I'm not sure the people you went to lunch with will ever be good for your digestion and I'm not sure I'd go again. But the real issue is how we allow people to treat us. That is where the work is. If we sink to their level, we really haven't gained respect from anyone nor for ourselves...at least that's how I would feel.

I might have said, "Excuse me? I was checking to see if my bill was paid." You could let it go and note that she made a fool out of herself, or you might want to talk with her and therefore add, "May I speak to you in private later."

When speaking with her later you might want to ask her why she seems to need to criticize you. I would then be very quiet and see what she has to say for herself. If she is unkind, I would say, "I'm sorry you feel so poorly about yourself that you have a need to sound mean and uncaring. I don't allow people to treat me like that." I would then walk away and not associate with her ever again...unless she evolves and asks for your company.

Just a few thoughts. I'm sorry you went through that but I hope it will turn into a wonderful "life-lesson" from which you profit many times over.

Need a Tums? Carolyn

Hi

After that experience, I wouldn't give your co-worker friend the time of day. She was rude and to me sounds like she is very controlling person. People who like to control generally have self-esteem issues. She is the one who needs to re-evaluate her thinking, not you. Stick up for yourself, respect your feelings. You have the right to express yourself so do so.

Trish

I guess I need to clarify my comments. I definitely understand the difference between being assertive and aggressive. The problem lies in the fact that we are usually afraid to be too assertive for fear of coming across as aggressive. Then we are not assertive enough. Also, there are times you need to be aggressive. So I don't think there is or should be a rule that you are never aggressive. e.g. When I was in college I was in a fraternity. If someone got in your face and called you names, if you said to them, "gee that really hurts me when you do that," they would label you a total wimp, make fun of you forever and kick your butt. I am now a network engineer at a large corp. and the same thing applies. I think it is different for women and men. A woman can say, "that hurts my feelings," and not appear like a wimp. But if a guy does that in the wrong situation he will be made fun of and harrassed. I don't think women understand this. What is the best response for a man, I am not sure. But I have seen men do the sensitive assertiveness thing only to be harrassed more than ever. Also, I when I grew up there were many fights between boys. If someone punched you in the face and you said,"gee that hurts when you do that," then you would just get punched much harder.