Hi all,

I have a lot of questions about assertiveness, I really need to work on it.

Ok, so question number one,

I was at work the other day, and one of my coworkers made an 'offhand' comment to me. She was running a lab test that took about ten minutes. She was just sitting there watching it run. As I walked past, doing something work related, she says in an offhand way. "Boy, this sure is taking forever. Does it make it go faster when you watch? " And not thinking anything of it, I said "no, its kind of like watching water when you want it to boil." Then she says to me, in front of everyone in the room, "People shouldn't hover, because it doesn't make things go any faster.' One of our coworkers laughed and said "oh Barb!" to the woman who said this to me. Well, I'm pretty sensitive, and this hurt my feelings. I just said "Well, DO I hover?" In sort of a hurt tone, I wasn't mean. She said "no, but some people do" I was angry about it for the rest of the afternoon.
I felt like she blindsided me with something I was unaware of and reprimanded me in front of coworkers, and she's not my boss.
I feel like I let her hurt my feelings without any resistance.
How would I handle this assertively?

Question number two:
I was brave enough to go out and take a community education class that I thought would be fun and interesting. At first I was really scared. I had to work in a group with total strangers.
I was starting to get comfortable with this, and feeling ok about the whole thing.
I sat next to a woman at the lab table, and there were two guys there. Four seats and one instructor at the end of the table.
Well, three of us were on one side of the table, and one guy on the other side.
We went to lunch, when this guy, I'll call him "Bob" offers to borrow me five bucks for lunch because I left my money in the car. Ok, thats nice, I'll pay him back later right? He sits across from me, and doesn't have any food. He says he is going to need a major surgery in July and has to lose some weight. Its either that or worry about colon cancer. Ok, so I know what he's having done. Kind of personal I'm thinking. I'm eating my lunch and listening mostly to others making small talk. Then Bob starts talking about his problems. His daughter has a major illness, and he's been in litigation for 12 years trying to get money from the doctor that misdiagnosed her as a baby. He says his marriage went sour because of his daughters illness. No one seems to know how to react to this story, as none of us know him. I'm a magnet for this. I'm far too nice. I said a few comforting things. The others at the table did too. I think he took it the wrong way.
When we went back to work after lunch, the stupid instructor asked me to sit next to "Bob" because no one else was, and it was crowded on my side of the table. Why'd she pick me!!!?
He kept accidentally bumping into me. I was squished into the corner feeling uncomfortable. In front of all the people in the group he says to me "maybe I'm being presumptuous, but would you like to get together and study this?" To which all I could think to say was "Maybe one of these days." AWWWWKKK. At least he didn't ask for my phone number. After the lab, we were supposed to take a quiz. I said I was leaving to take the quiz. He FOLLOWED me. I desperately was looking for someone to break a $10 bill so I could pay him his money back before leaving. I finally found someone, and he acted sort of sheepish and said, "oh I really wasn't worried about that at all" By now I was wanting to escape in a big way, I was uncomfortable with his attention, and uncomfortable telling him how I felt. (I am not comfortable with your attention, and I'd prefer to work alone) I rushed through the quiz, and prepared to leave. He FOLLOWED me again. He followed me to the parking lot. Luckily there were other people there. I said see you around, and got into my car to leave. I was a little worried that he would see my license plate. I was worried because I put my name and address on a sign in sheet for the class, and I put my last name on my nametag. Also, before I got nervous, we were talking about where we lived, and he has a general idea of the area that I live in.
Then, as I'm driving home, he's in the lane next to me and honks at me. I look over and hes holding up his course book and pointing at it. I looked straight ahead and kept driving. I turned in the opposite direction to avoid him, and took a backroads route home.
Any advice here? I'm ticked off that I let this guy wreck my experience. I definitely was not having fun. I felt bad for his problems, but it doesn't make his behavior ok.

I feel foolish for not sticking up for myself, but I don't know quite what I should have done.
Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks,

deb

Lol, you poor girl, (thinking about Bob). The first incident wouldn't have phased me. I would have just let it pass over my head and forgotten about it. No big deal.

Sounds like Bob needed to understand that you weren't interested in him. It appears obvious that he is interested in you, and not for studying purposes, unless it is studying your anatomy, lol. Sorry, couldn't resist throwing that in. (Slapping myself in face now) I see nothing wrong in politely saying to him that you are getting the impression that he seems interested in you and that you are not interested in him or that you are not comfortable with it. Or you could just say, "Bob, buzz off!" I don't know that I am good at this either, but I have no problem telling someone where I stand if I feel I need to. And I am not concerned about how they feel or react afterwards. I have no intention of hurting feelings, but if that happens, it's their own reaction and fault, not mine. I can't control how they react. In Bob's case, if he gets hurt feelings, he asked for it.

Don,

I don't know whether to laugh or laugh.

Reading my post, it just seems so rediculous that someone would see such a blatant opportunity for 'romance'.

Have you ever watched that saturday night live skit with Christopher Walkin on it where he invites women to his house, and they show him from the womans point of view. The woman always tries to run for the door, but he beats them to it and won't let them out?

That was me. I suppose there really was no 'subtle' way to get rid of him. The awkward part would be continuing what I went there to do with him hanging around. It was just a pooey situation.

If I see him again (hope not, but possible with the class continuing) I'll have another chance to be assertive, and this time I'll have a plan. I'll transfer to another work group, and if he approaches me, I'll just say that I'm not interested in dating or talking more with him, and go back to work.

He won't be studying my anatomy any time soon.

Deb

Good post. I laughed pretty hard, sorry. Yes, I have seen the SNL skit and thought it was hilarious. lol. Some guys just don't get it do they? I guess they must have grown up thinking "no" means yes. lol. Some guys are just very aggressive and need someone to set them straight, in my opinion. Bob will probably be disappointed or angry no matter what. His reaction to what you say is not your problem or concern. We will hurt feelings sometimes, no matter how we try not to. It's part of the price to be paid for being free and independent and not being duped into feeling guilty for someone elses problems. Some people simply try and take advantage of others and I would say that is what Bob is trying to do.

The things I get tangled up in. Thankfully "Bob" hasn't been cruising by my house holding up that damned course book and pointing at it. Thanks for the laugh Don.

Ok, I'll add to my questions. I have plenty!

I'm kind of used to working alone, but I have a new job, and there are lots of people who like to 'talk shop'. The thing is, they get all this new 'cutting edge' information (which I think is a bunch of BS. They pick up info from vendors in our area that have a pretty big bias one way or the other. They're so excited about it. They think they've made the discovery of the century.
My issue here is this...for one thing, I don't really know how to cut into a conversation to interject my point. I don't really want to either. If they're too busy blabbing, they probably aren't listening anyway. But not many people these days turn to me and say 'Hey Deb, do you have anything to add to this conversation?'
So what do I do? Keep silent and brood because I feel like I've been ignored and I didn't speak up? Say Oh well, I guess these folks aren't interested in my point of view (and I happen to think I have some pretty good points) and I will keep it to myself, its their loss.
The other issue is that I think they are so far off the mark that if I told them what I know, they wouldn't believe me or they'd think I was arrogant. I'm always searching for a diplomatic way to say things.
Because I don't speak up at work, I'm getting angry and bored. And I really struggle to get through the day.

Any takers on this one?!

Thanks!

Deb

Ok, no ones had a chance to answer yet, but I have another one.

I was approached by my boss, in front of clinic staff and he says to me. "Deb, I don't know anything about you, I don't know if you live in a mental hospital, or a home for wayward girls...It continues on into questions about who I live with where I'm from etc. etc.

Ha! What a jerk. Strangely enough I was relieved. Big deal. For once in my life I realize I'm not crazy. I realized I don't owe jerks like him any explanation. Why bother telling someone like that about my anxiety?

I guess I really don't care about this one. He doesn't matter enough or threaten me in any way to warrant a reaction. Answered my own question, but just wanted to throw it out there in case anyone else has been there.

Cheers,

deb

I know how you feel. That same thing happens to me when I am around my in-laws. I feel as if I am invisible. They are always carrying on a great conversation with all their other daughters in law, but if they feel the need to talk to me it's always small talk. Another thing that drives my husband and myself crazy is the fact that they play favorites to their oldest son, "Mr. Do no wrong". It seems as though everytime we get together, they can't seem to stop bragging about
him, his children and his wife. We really want to speak up and say something, but don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My husband and I have distanced ourselves from them and only show up at family functions when neccessary. It's too bad because our children really have fun when they get together with all their cousins. My husband has seven siblings and I know that some of them feel the same as we do. The only problem is that no one is brave enough to speak up. My husband,s father is one who loves to preach to other's, but is easily offended when someone has something to offer him . Go figure. ~The "Out-Law"