OK...I shared with my brothers' fiance that I was trying to get tickets to a concert for Thursday night. I told her that I didn't want him to know because I didn't have the tickets in hand and it was a "for-sure" thing. I wanted it to be a suprise, etc.... She agreed that she wouldn't say anything and even gave some ideas as to what she could say to him so he would take the evening off from work....

About 15-20 minutes after having this conversation with her....my brother called me and said "what's this about a concert?"!!!

I was so angry I told my brother to ask her why she told him. He put her on the phone and she denied the entire thing and said it was all a big misunderstanding. She said she told me that he wouldn't be able to go and then she turned around and told me that she didn't know she wasn't suppose to say anything!!!!!!!! That's it!!! I was SO angry and I had to tell her how I felt. I told her that she knew straight out what we talked about and it wasn't a misunderstanding. She then turned around and said "oh well...when I told him, he wasn't even excited about it anyways"...... I told her that I felt betrayed and she played dumb saying she didnt' know why. I told her that she broke her word to me and she turned around and told me "No...I never promised I wouldn't say anything".

I told her that I didn't agree with what she was saying. She was giving me excuses to try to cover up opening her big mouth. She knows now, that I don't buy it.

My brother then calls me a bit later, says "what's wrong?, she's crying so hard...what did you say?" All of a sudden I am the bad guy????? I don't think so!!!! My brother goes on about "forgiveness" and how we should be forgiving yet I stood up for myself and said "It's not about forgiveness!...It's about me being angry and having every right to be angry. I am not sinning in my anger! I am entitled to tell her how I feel. She has to take responsibility for her actions and tell the truth and apologize.

At first, during my initial shock of what she did to me, and I became angry, I noticed that my body symptoms were the same as anxiety. Although I wasn't afraid of telling her how I felt, I was feeling those very same symptoms because of anger.

Anyone have anything to add to this?? I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Good for you for calling her on it and good for you for not bowing under to your brother. I would be just as mad as you. Its just hard for us to understand people like that. Now may I suggest that for your sake and the family relationship that you let it go and just dont tell her anything again. If they bring it up fine but if not let it go. Isnt being assertive a wonderful feeling? Its that 'I CAN take care of myself' feeling. Thats all I have to add.
Reena

Reena,
Thanks for your words! So true! I feel good for sticking up for myself but at the same time I don't want her to keep hurting herself like this.

My sister ( who was over there when the incident happened) came to my house during my last phone conversation with my brother. She informed me that she had to leave because she was saying horrible things about me and my other family members ( sisters, brother, father, mother)...She went as far as calling me a B*T*H and a hipocrit. Apparently she feels that because I am a Christian, I had no right to speak to her so firmly in my anger and she took offense to it. My brother still feels I should apologize to her but I can't understand that. My brother says that I should have been more sensative towards her and *nice*! I don't think I was mean at all. I was firm in telling her how I felt and I didn't act immaturely by name calling or anything else like she did behind my back. It all seems so juevenile.

I did call her back and said "lets talk"...because we all know the longer we wait the worse the anticipation gets. She went on about how I was *rude* and *wrong* and *over-reacted*.....

I guess people are just not ready for me to become assertive!! I wasn't aggresive at all and felt I handled the matter properly.

My brother said that our ( hers and mine) relationship will never be the same because she will always have bitterness in her heart because of my standing up for myself and letting her know the truth and all I could say was "then she'll be hurting herself...not me".

He believes I should apologize to make peace between us even though I am not wrong. I disagree and believe that by apologizing I would be robbing her of the chance to stand up and take responsibility for her actions. I also believe that by apologizing, I would only be re-inforcing her manipulative behavior.

I have made a firm decision tonight to "let it go". When and if she wants to discuss this with me then she will have to make the next move. I did my part. I even made it easy by calling her and opening the door to "lay it all on the table" but she said she couldn't talk because I would only make her cry.

I feel for my brother though. He feels he needs to be in the middle of this and yet I never put him there...she did.. and now as a result he is stressed out wanting peace between us. I told him that she is the only one that can make peace.
I have already forgiven her, I only want her to take responsibility by being honest with herself and me. I also told him that things will work themselves out on their own. He doesn't need to do anything.

Now I just live my days like I did before and move on. Things may never be the same but at the same time, I learned something about her and something about myself.

Hi SMears,

I really think you did the right thing and you had every right to be angry. Where do people get this idea that Christians or people who believe in God aren't allowed to be angry?? Or aren't allowed to be human? You handled the situation assertively and maturely. She broke her promise and you called her on it, so she went crying to your brother. Apologizing might smooth things over temporarily, but then she will probably pull the same crap again. You made an effort to talk it out, what more can you do? The ball is in her court. You have nothing to apologize for. I hope she comes to her senses.

You were right in telling her how you were dissapointed in her actions.

She certainly sounds like she has a few screws lose. Have you never pick up on this behaviour from her before?. I don't think she just started acting like this. Personally when I get those inner feeling from someone like that, I would either tell them as it is, and how you feel about them being a liaring, manipulating, whinning baby.
Then I would tell her to get over it, and get a life. I hate to see what your brother, and if they have kids, what they put up with. Good Luck Sandy

Thanks for the support and reassurance guys. I know I did the right thing but there is a part of me that feels bad because I hurt her feelings (???). This is the part I don't understand...
Why is it, I was the victim and now she has turned it around making herself feel like the victim? Perhaps I am just letting her sucker me into feeling bad about being assertive? I am so overly sensative about hurting others' feelings; I think alot of us have this problem.

Sander before I moved home, after living so far from home for 8 years, I would hear from my family how she was. My father had told me to watch out because she lies and manipulates and very bull headed. When I got home, I treated her with respect. I didn't let what everyone else said penetrate and I became friends with her. Then to have this happen to me, makes me realize that I was leaving myself open for this to happen because I trusted someone I shouldn't have trusted in the first place.

I feel very badly for my brother. My youngest sister was over her house when all this happened and said that she got into a mega fight with my brother telling him that it was his family or her! She locked him out of the house and treated him poorly because he didn't automatically take her side. He was trying to be objective about it and she didn't like that.
She threatens not to marry him all the time if she doesn't get what she wants and frankly I am hurt by this. I have talked with my brother about it but he's always making excuses for her.
He believes that because he's a Christian he should always be forgiving, etc. but I think he's been way too extreme. Her behavior is abusive. Granted there have been times when he's been abusive towards her but either way, I don't feel they should get married until until they sort out their problems.

I am going to write her a letter today (final attempt) for my brothers' sake of wanting peace. I feel that when I spoke to her on the phone she was so upset that she didn't even hear what I had to say. Perhaps writing a letter would allow her to hear me out without jumping in and giving her 2 cents. It will also allow her to think things over and give her enough time to figure out just what she wants to say to me.

All I want is for her to recognize that what she did hurt me and it was wrong. I want a sincere apology. Will I get one? Perhaps not. Can I forgive.. of course...forgetting is another matter and things will never be the same between us. Trust is such a touchy thing isn't it?

You need to stop being the victim, I don't understand why you were apoligizing at all. It could be you are worried about being rejected. Did you know that is the number one fear in people. I have to wonder though, is this really a person you should be worried about being rejected by at all. It doesn't sound to me you really want to befriend a winny, manipulative liar. Leave her behind and go on to better things
Sandy

Sander,
At first I didn't understand why I should apologize either. But I guess I thought long and hard and felt that if she was going to get an apology from me at all, it would be for the way she interpreted my "assertiveness". She is super sensative and although I don't feel I am responsible for walking on egg shells around her, I wanted her to understand me correctly and know that my being bold was not intentional rudeness or arrogance.
I suppose I am still extremely sensative to others' feelings. You are right, I don't like being rejected by anyone. Do I fear rejection? Hmmm...I think I do but mostly I strive for acceptance with everyone I come in contact with.
I have been rejected alot in my life and I am sure this has something to do with that old hurt coming to the surface.

I did write that letter and I believe it was a healthy move on my part. I felt so much better after writing it.

I've got many issues to work out in my life. Being assertive and having that confidence is something new to me. Although it feels good to stand up for myself, I still have to work on letting others do their part.

Here's what seems to happen in my family. Although its probably not the most healthiest of ways. My brother has this saying which you've probably heard before - 'it'll blow over'. IF there is a problem between any of us we spout about it to someone and then thats that. We dont bring it up again and we usually just forget it and move on. No one will ever 'not' have a problem so this is the way we go about being able to be a family. I, and I hope my other siblings, dont hold a grudge. We just know thats the way people are. I would never be too cozy with someone like that and I'm sure you won't either. I guess what I'm trying to say is just tell them its over and thats that. Dont expect any apology and dont expect any change in behavior from anyone. You told her the bold truth and I bet no one has done that before. Wow, what an eye opener for her. She probably has done all kinds of emotional tactics to try to get out of that one but she knows that you know and she cant squirm her way out of it. So, in her mind she is making you the bad guy because anything else would mean she has some serious changing to do and she's not ready for that at all. I feel bad for your brother but he is a big boy and is choosing this for himself. Jesus was no wimp and as a Christian I am not to be one either. Or you. I always want to make everyone happy too and thats just not reality. There is just no pleasing some people. Be you and let others be themselves. THere is nothing else you can do. Be happy!
Reena

Smear
I think that we all have deep seeded beliefs in how we really truly want to be. It sounds to me like one of your beliefs is to be kind, and sensitive to other peoples feelings, this is a very good belief. I believe you did the right thing because it made you feel better, and that is what counts. You are being true to yourself.Remember in the tapes how Lucinda talked about going back to her exhusband and talking to him. She said she did it for herself, it didn't matter weather he agreed or disagreed, because she really didn't care, it made her feel good. We tend to get anxiety when we don't follow are true beliefs, this episode caused you anxiety because you precieved you did something to someone which was insensitive. If I may be so bold as to say, or suggest what you may have said to her, what do you think of this? When you told my brother about the tickets when I asked you not to, you made me very angry. I trusted you to keep this information between the two of us and you decieve me. I now feel that I can no longer trust you which makes me feel very said because I am a trusting person myself and trust in very importand to me. I don't know how we can repair our friendship I will leave that up to you to decide. Sincerely
I think that it is importand that you tell her your true feelings don't beat around the bush get is off your chest. Good Luck

SMears,
As I read your post here it reminded me of my mother. My mother has many, many wonderful qualities but in the area of keeping things in confidence, this is almost, if not, impossible for her to do. In fact she even gets frustrated with herself in trying to overcome this. I've come to find that I've just had to accept this in my mom and I have to be careful of what I tell her. If I don't mind the whole family knowing something I will tell her, if I do then I strive not to say anything to her.
I really have to admit though that I also have struggled with this. Not to the degree of my mom, but to the degree where I have told people things that I felt I shouldn't have afterwards. But if people confide in me though I'm pretty good. But again have to admit that I have turned around and confided in my husband about many things. It's like many times I have to talk to "someone" about what's on my mind, and my husband being my closest friend, it's he that I will share confidences with. This may sound awful, but that's the way I am. And I've heard that many people are this same way. So I, myself, don't share things with people without first considering if I want their spouses to know also. For I've come to know that for many, that sharing with their spouse is a very normal thing.
So I, myself, could relate to your brothers fiance. And I can only imagine the shock she must of felt when your brother went and called you to let you know that she had told him. If I confided in my husband about something, I would be so upset if he turned around and told the person whom had told me to keep the thing confidential. Ugh, can't even imagine the embarrassement!
But I can definitely understand your hurt feelings and frustration. Have gone through that many times myself. And I know with "family" there will always be misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Any ways, just thought sharing from another point of view might help. Truly wishing you the best in this resolution.

Grateful,
Thanks for your reply. My brother's fiance is the one that told my brother to call me in the first place about this concert he wasn't suppose to know about. My brother wanted to see Third Day. My husband and I have seen them before and wanted so badly to suprise him with tickets.
My brothers' fiance has a problem with jealousy and she doesn't like him to do anything without her. Since the entire thing was a secret. We never told her that we were purchasing her ticket as well. My husband seems to think that she subconsciously sabotaged the entire thing because of her own fears of being left out.
And then trying to make herself feel better by saying "oh well, He wasn't even suprised anyways.."..

I can understand where you are coming from. I also confide in my husband about things. But I would never tell him about something someone was planning for him as a gift/suprise.

My sisters and I have been talking alot these past couple days. Only to find out that she's been saying things about each and every one of us to eachother. Almost like she's trying to create more family squabbles. She comes from a very harsh background. She's very untrusting, cold and manipulative. I was about the only one she took to in my family because she felt I was the only one that actually lived like a christian and behaved like one. Now that had to confront her about her breaking her confidence and then when she tried to lie to get out of it, I also had to reject her excuses. This was horrible for me and I can only imagine how uncomfortable she feels. No one is ever comfortable hearing that they hurt another or did something seriously wrong. But for her, my brother fears she will become bitter instead of reconciling ( which is in my best interest).

I ask that you please pray for God to soften her heart. That she may be able to be honest with herself and heal.

Our relationship will never be the same. I am OK with that. I feel very disappointed that things ended up the way they did, but I could not stay silent especially when what she did seriously effected our relationship.

I did find a great website called "PeaceMakers Ministries"- "equipping and assisting Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically"... http://www.hispeace.org/
It looks like a very educational and uplifting website. let me know what you think.

Thanks again.

**Update**

My brother called early this morning and he was in a great mood. I could tell that something had improved already in this dilema. Apparently, he gave her my letter and she understands where I am coming from. She is more calm and understanding ( which is what I wanted from her in the first place). And my brother said she will be getting in touch with me.
Whether or not she takes responsibility for her actions or even admits them, really isn't a big issue to me anymore. Although I would prefer she did; it isn't necessary for me to forgive her and move on. Forgiveness is a gift I give MYSELF!! Bitterness will do me damage so I choose not to keep it.

I don't really believe things will be the same but I have really learned from this experience and will be more guarded in the future about who I share things with.

I found a great article about women & conflict and it is a Christian article and I want to share it here. It is a little lengthy but I figure it would be a great way to close this topic with some professional-biblical advice.

For those interested...please read on.... It's well worth it. Thanks for listening.

Women & Conflict
The Bible is rich with examples of godly, wise, women. Consider a brief snapshot from the lives of three women of faith:

Esther � A woman of grace and beauty with an authentic, intuitive, and teachable spirit. She endured hardship, bravely faced adversity, and expressed her thoughts and feelings in such a winsome way that people were drawn to her warmth and affection.
Hannah � Suffering over her infertility, treated cruelly by Peninnah, and misunderstood by Eli, Hannah demonstrated wise restraint and a calm, gentle spirit. So committed to the Lord and his glory, Hannah, when finally given her only son, rejoiced in the Lord even as she gave him to God. (see 1 Sam. 2).
Abigail � Married to a foolish and surly man who jeopardized the safety of their entire household, Abigail's intelligence and fear of the Lord empowered her to exercise good judgment in the most harrowing of circumstances. Abigail did what was right before God despite the personal cost, and her appeal to David as recorded in 1 Samuel 25 demonstrates wise, interest-based negotiation at its finest.

What did these women have in common? Unshakeable faith in the Lord and strong gifts in biblical peacemaking. Specifically, they knew when to overlook and when to confront, how to make a respectful appeal, and when to remain silent. Though obviously intelligent and gifted, they did not promote their own agendas but were firmly fixed on the Lord's purposes. Esther, Hannah, and Abigail provide lovely examples of true beauty, courage, and spiritual maturity.

As you consider your own life, or the life of your wife, daughter, mother, or friend�you may wonder how the Christian women of today can relate to women such as Esther, Hannah, and Abigail. After all, most women will not be called upon to save an entire nation, give birth to a great prophet, or negotiate with a king bent on destroying her family. However, just like these biblical heroines, all women of God are called to be peacemakers (see Matt. 5:9).

The Role of Women in Peacemaking
"My friend Anne is the embodiment of a relational person. Everywhere she goes, she brings peace and hope. She always encourages and is quick to share her heart and be vulnerable. I've never heard Anne gossip. She forgives even when people intentionally set out to hurt her. I want to be like Anne, because she shows people Jesus."

Women enjoy a special role in biblical peacemaking due to their strong relational and verbal skills. Their vast network of intimate relationships provides women with God-ordained opportunities for kingdom ministry. Many women also have a particularly relational role in their ministries of childrearing and homemaking, where opportunities for peacemaking abound.

Since Christianity is at its core relational (Jesus died for us so that we might be in relationship with God, and Jesus came to build the Church�his bride and God's covenant people), the deep and abundant relationships developed by women clearly reflect the kingdom of God:

As Jesus prayed in his High Priestly Prayer, the world will know that he was sent from God when Christian relationships are marked by unity:

May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:20-23

As they overlook, forebear, and forgive one another, women also show Christ to unbelievers through their abiding love:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34-36

In addition, when their words meet God's standard for speech, the strong verbal gifts of women bring healing as they build up others and minister mercy, grace, compassion, and hope:

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Women and Conflicts

Sadly, many women today do not know how to enjoy thriving, intimate relationships. What could be an area of great strength is instead an area of weakness. Christian women often feel isolated, misunderstood, belittled, and rejected. Friendships and family relationships are frequently marked by ongoing conflicts and a flight mentality that avoids vulnerability and true, abiding love. Many women struggle with judgmental, harsh, and bitter feelings towards the people in their lives.

"You just don't understand how much she hurt me! No one should have to put up with this kind of treatment. I'm sure that God doesn't want me to stay in her Bible study ... maybe we can all pray that she will repent of her meanness."

Though they may have great wisdom and understanding in many areas of ministry�missions, worship, and mercy ministries, as well as justice issues�many Christian women are ignorant as to how to work through personal conflict and persevere in relationships. They do not know how to make an adequate confession, grant true forgiveness, or even negotiate in a biblically faithful manner. For wives and mothers, these weaknesses have a particularly negative effect. Their marriages suffer, and their children often develop the poor relational skills and deficient peacemaking abilities demonstrated by their mothers.

The reality is that where there is relationship, there will be conflict�guaranteed. But instead of living as peacemakers (and showing themselves to be daughters of God), many Christian women speak with and relate to others just like unbelievers:

Instead of faithfully "blessing and never cursing" (see Rom. 12) or "doing good even when treated unjustly" (see 1 Pet. 2), Christian women often attack through vicious words (such as gossip couched as "prayer requests" or "sharing") and spiteful actions (such as emotion-laden emails, and letters carelessly written to confront and rebuke).
Failing to heed the biblical admonition that "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar." (1 John 4:19), women often struggle with bitterness and hatred towards the people in their lives who have rejected, abandoned, or attacked them.
Not reflecting the truth that "love always perseveres" (1 Cor. 13:7), women easily give up on people when wrongs occur and relationships become rocky. Instead of showing grace through loving confrontation and forgiveness, women regularly "move on" to new relationships.
Women are quick to be catty, petty, and competitive. Instead of accepting one another "just as Christ accepted them" (see Rom. 15:7), women are often trapped in adolescent games of competition and gossip.
Of course, men frequently experience these same weaknesses and sins. But these things can be particular areas of struggle for women in which opportunities for frequent and deep conflicts abound.

Do Relationships Matter?
Perhaps you agree that Christian women can sometimes excel in their relationships�and sometimes fail miserably. The question remains: Why does it matter? When there are countless ministry needs in the world, why should women of faith apply themselves to growing in wisdom and understanding concerning God-honoring relationships?


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Apart from God himself, there will only be two things in eternity: God's Word and God's people.
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Simply stated, apart from God himself, there will only be two things in eternity: God's Word and God's people, living in relationship with him. This reality should serve as a wake-up call to every Christian�we must strive diligently and faithfully to have God-honoring relationships in this life. Instead of looking forward to Heaven to "get away from certain people" (often in our own churches), we must soberly reflect on the fact that the very person we are longing to escape from will be with us for eternity. God shows himself in the relationships of his people. (John 17:23)

Furthermore, God frequently brings redemptive, lasting change to our lives through relationships�especially relationships within the body of Christ. Scripture frequently addresses our relationships with other Christians. Over fifty times in the New Testament alone, God's people are commanded to relate to one another in certain ways. Consider just a few exhortations:

Love one another (John 13:34)
Be devoted to one another (Rom. 12:10)
Honor one another (Rom. 12:10)
Live in harmony with one another (Rom. 12:16)
Stop passing judgment on one another (Rom. 14:13)
Accept one another (Rom. 15:7)
Instruct one another (Rom. 15:14)
Serve one another (Gal. 5:13)
Be kind and compassionate to one another (Eph. 4:32)
Encourage one another (Heb. 3:13)
Spur one another on to love and good works (Heb. 10:24)
By taking these exhortations to heart and learning to nurture covenantal, faithful, merciful, and purposeful relationships in the body of Christ, we learn how to "put off" our old ways of thinking and living. Then we can be "made new" in the truth of God's Word and "put on" our new selves (see Eph. 4:22-24), clothed in "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" (Col. 3:12). This process of putting off sin and putting on godly character qualities marks true change in our lives and is the evidence that God is conforming us to the likeness of his Son.

Do you prayerfully strive to be conformed to the likeness of Christ (Rom. 8:29)? Do you hope to raise a "harvest of righteousness" as you grow in biblical wisdom that is "pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere" (James 4:17)? Quite often, God uses challenging, difficult relationships to develop these qualities and the fruit of the Holy Spirit in us (Gal. 5:22).

For example, we grow in

Patience �as we slow down and gently serve a frustrating coworker who thinks differently than us and whose personality grates on us
Self-control �when we do not retaliate as our ideas for the missions program are rudely rejected and our efforts go completely unrecognized
Faithfulness �by not treating our daughter-in-law as she treats us or giving up on a relationship with her, but instead praying regularly for her, speaking well of her, and doing only good to her
Gentleness �as we gain understanding and discernment in how different people relate, and then purposefully work to temper our natural tendencies and relational styles in order to love them well
Kindness �when an unpleasant, needy person asks for our help and we do not hoard the good gifts God has granted us or look for an earthly reward of gratitude, but instead share generously
Assuming you agree that this is how we ought to grow and live as children of God, you may still find it difficult to practically carry out these biblical truths in real life. You may feel overwhelmed and powerless to change as you reflect on the many broken relationships in your life.

As you know, this entire website is dedicated to helping people to respond to conflict biblically. But before you even begin to work on the practical "how-to's" of growing your peacemaking skills, it is important that you remember this truth: God is at work in you. He is conforming you to Christ and calling you to be a peacemaker.

And the good news is that God is faithful! He never calls you to do something unless he provides you with the way to do it:

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Cor. 9:8

Take heart! God is doing this work in your heart and life, and "the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it" (1 Thess. 5:24).

Growing as a Woman Peacemaker
As you cast yourself fully on Jesus through faith and trust in the steadfast grace of God, you will be able to reject anything contrary to Scripture and grow in sanctification and wisdom concerning your relationships. The Bible describes this as being conformed to Christ (Rom. 8:29) and it means that we will grow as peacemakers because we experience true heart change.

For many of us, our tendency may be to look for the law. We say, "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'll add it to my to-do list and get right on it." If we approach peacemaking like this, we may be tempted to deal only with the surface. We may look for "the three rules of good communication" or "ten steps for avoiding conflict at work."

But Jesus' intention to is change us on a much deeper level�the heart. As He taught in Luke 6:45:

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

It is not enough to merely deal with our outward actions and our inappropriate words. We could say all the "right" things and do every "peacemaking action"�and still be as unloving as a clanging cymbal. What we need is a Savior who will not only save us from Hell in eternity to come, but will also save us from our sin in this life.

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Cor 15:56-57

As you seek to grow as a peacemaker, always remember that this change is a gift of God's grace and a work of the Holy Spirit. And then respond to this gracious gift by striving to grow in wisdom, understanding, and Christlikeness. Grow in these areas through the teaching of the church, the sacraments, worship, discipleship, and relationships within the body of Christ.

You will grow as a peacemaker as you embrace the Gospel and apply it to every area of your life. Perhaps this three-step summary will help you practically live out the Gospel in your day-to-day relationships and conflicts:

First of all, we must remember the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As we gaze on the holiness and awesomeness of the triune God, we become more aware of the depth of our sin and our desperate need for a Savior. For those of us who are saved through grace by faith in Christ Jesus, we have been changed from enemies of God (Rom. 5:10) to beloved children (1 John 3:1)�not because of anything we have done, and not because we deserve such a lavish gift, but because God in his mercy has saved us and given us new life. We all need to be reminded of who we are in Christ, but this is especially true for women who are struggling in painful or difficult relationships.

"Why should I persevere in showing kindness to my estranged mother? Because she deserves it? Of course not! I am called to love my mother even when she attacks and belittles me because God showed me His loving kindness when I was still an enemy of His."

Whenever we are called upon to show forebearance to an annoying person or minister mercy to someone who is unlovable, we do well to remember that the God of glory and perfection loved us when we were dead in our sins. When our trust is betrayed and suddenly we must forgive horrendous wrongs done to us (or to those we love), God's grace enables us to be merciful and forgiving like Christ�especially as we remember the Gospel and the great debt that we have been forgiven (see the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matt. 18:21-35).

Second, we must identify and repent of our sinful demands�especially those concerning other people. Because we love deeply, women often have unrealistic and unreasonable desires concerning relationships. Movies, television, novels, and commercials portray perfect relationships without struggle or failure. Often, women expect the people in their lives to "know the script," do the right thing, meet all their needs, and never let them down. When those expectations grow to be demands on relationships, and the demands go unmet, conflict erupts (see James 4:1 and Getting to the Heart of Conflict).

The reality is that no one is perfect, except for the Lord. Non-Christians do not have the Holy Spirit of God in them, and they are not yet born again. Christians are fully justified before the Holy God, but we are all at different levels of spiritual maturity. We are growing in sanctification to be conformed to the likeness of Christ, but we are not perfect in this life. Until we reach heaven, we will continue to sin and fail the people around us. Mature women of God understand that people are human and in need of grace. Instead of placing unrealistic demands on one another, they show patience and mercy as they spur one another on in the faith.

"I just don't get it! I try so hard to be a good friend, but people tell me that they feel like I talk circles around them, box them into corners, and make them feel stupid. One co-worker told me recently, 'Janet, because you are better with words than me, you are going to win this argument. But you are not right.' I was devastated. But I don't know how to change!"

Third, we must identify our relational weaknesses and strive to improve. We do this to please God�not to impress others or "look good." We pray for God's help as we grow in maturity, because we cannot grow by relying on our own strength. We pray, study, and seek wise counsel to identify the areas in our lives that are in need of further sanctification. For instance: Do you know how to listen well and draw people out�or do you talk so much that you do not give others a chance to be heard? Are you struggling with gossip? Do you like the feeling of being "in the know" and having people pay attention to you�or are you trustworthy and discrete? Have you learned about different personalities and learning styles, so that you can rejoice in the diversity in the people around you�or do you show preference to only "certain" people that act the way you want them to?

If we want people to be vulnerable with us and confide their hearts in us, we must show ourselves to be trustworthy, godly, gracious women by turning away from any sinful, immature ways of relating and becoming more Christlike. We must understand and memorize Scripture so that our theology will be sound and we will be able to take every thought captive to Christ. Instead of acting rashly, we must learn to pause and discern whether our words and actions will be wise and promote love, health, and godliness. Where we are lacking, we must ask God to help us to grow in grace and wisdom.

And remember�Scripture is clear that all of our good works and ministry accomplishments are as nothing, if we have not love (see 1 Cor. 13). For women and men alike, our only hope is in the saving grace of God through Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God for his steadfast love toward us.

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