Hi everyone,

Many thoughts have come up these last few days and this morning about the upcoming visit from my parents, who i see about once a year, sometimes less. Always, prior to their visits, i become very stressed and have a feeling like i am about to be imprisoned. I understand why it is this way for me...i wish it weren't....i wish i had arrived at a place within myself by now, where i would have found myself to be sufficiently autonomous and worry-free about being with them. However, this is not the case. Throughout the years, on and off, i have worked with this through therapy and on my own. Still, i am defintely not healed enough to feel 'safe and sound' around them. The other morning i awakened to find myself crying and screaming at my parents (and sister)....i don't mean that they were HERE! Anyway, it was like a very intense therapy session, without the therapist, and i released alot of rage and hurt,etc.. nothing really NEW, but i think maybe it has helped.

I realize i'm being abstract about the relationship between myself and my family, but honestly...i wouldn't know how to turn that subject into a brief post! I'm just not so great at the Art of Brevity!

Anyway, i was doing my little morning reading (which comes out of the book "The Language of Letting Go", by Melody Beattie, and this morning's reading was about 'Coping with Stress'. To cite a few sentences which pertain to me right now:
'When the stress is external and internal, we experience our most difficult times.'
'Our friends and groups can help us feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of our stressful conditions.'
'It helps to go back to basics ~ to focus on detachment, dealing with feelings and taking life one day at a time.'
*'Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves.'
***'Self care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of ourselves always works.'
***And isn't it interesting how self-neglect feels more comfortable?!! THIS IS WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, EVEN AFRAID OF RIGHT NOW.

And so, after reading this, i thought of who my support system is, because i truly often forget i have one or to use it! Well, i have a few close friends (ones who i actually 'see') and i have some wonderful friends on this Forum. So, i decided to post here....why not!

Okay, i can see this is becoming so much lengthier than i'd planned! Well, i'm continuing anyway.....
***Last night, when i didn't feel like doing anything else, i turned on the television. I get only a few stations (my choice)...and so ended up watching the program "Felicity"...not really a program for me, but watched it anyway. Well, she is maybe 19 yrs.old. She is taking the Arts Program at University and her father absolutely dissaproves of this and feels she is wasting her time and his money! And so he comes to visit her and they are out for dinner together. What happens is this: She has spoken with her best friend prior to the dinner and is 'psyched' into her mission here, which is to BE TRUE TO HERSELF and to remember that the Arts Program is very important to her, no matter WHAT daddy thinks! Her father confronts her on the matter and she is rendered speechless! And there we see it ~ she is 'stuck' in 'The Complex' (what it's called in Psychology)...she is stuck in very old, automatic, hair-trigger REACTION and there is absolutely NOTHING she can do to help herself! She says to her dad, "Excuse me." She then gets herself over to a payphone and calls her best friend. She asks him to remind her WHO SHE IS! She asks him to remind her WHAT TO SAY! She's lost! She has lost herself! So, her friend gives it all to her...feeds her with reminders, a boost, everything she needs in order to keep her self-esteem in tact. To keep her SEPARATE from her father. She returns to the table and she 'holds her own'. Difficult, but she does it. She sticks to her guns, no matter if it hurts him.
**Well, i am twice the age of this Felicity character, and when i'm around my parents, ESPECIALLY my father, this is what happens to me, STILL!!!!! I become 16 yrs.old again and i find this PAINFUL. I become inarticulate. (He has a way of talking which always caused me to feel this way....nervous, at a loss for words,etc.. At the same time, i would often get very 'mouthy' and say EXACTLY what i mean...only to feel guilty after cause he'd end up hurt.) Oh, it's a long screwed up relationship...i promised i wouldn't get into that!
SO ~ What i am asking for here is any support which might help me to remember who i am, once i start spending time with my parents. (I will see them on Friday evening, and then from Sunday until Thursday).
Support to help me remember to do the BASICS of this program....to remember to love and accept myself no matter WHERE i may find myself! Even IF i am still acting like 16 yrs.old! To remind to to not beat myself up!

I wanted to be an ADULT when my parents were this old. (80 and 82) I wanted to care for THEM!
Someone who had NO understanding of this situation (many years ago) said to me, "Why the hell can't you just forget about yourself when your parents visit, and just be there for THEM!!!" Ideally, this IS what i've wanted and still want...However, if being there for them...means that it is at the expense of myself, than i can't! What i mean is...my parents (i.e.) are practically begging me to come to Maine (the ocean) with them in the summer because they are old now and frail and don't know when they will get to really spend time with me. Well, i could shove some major tranquilizer down my throat, blindfold myself (lol) and get onto a train (haven't travelled in 20 yrs.!) and somehow just DO IT! BUT....at what expense!!! I'd probably go back to smoking and could conceivably end up spending the trip eating myself sick. (old eating disorder could arise) I wish i COULD do something very special for them...i really do! And yet, at what cost.
Alright, i KNOW i have gone on a bit too long here, please forgive me.

Essentially, this is about "Forgetting who i am when with my family" and "Remembering to take CARE of myself during this time."

THANK YOU ALL for reading up to this point!!!
Have a wonderful day, filled with your own self-love!!!!
Lindaloo

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Linda

Linda

Wow!! Well I am not sure..why you would want to forget about yourself when you are with your parents?! This is the time I feel you would want to think about yourself the most. So you can may attention to your thoughts and do the necessary thought replacement, positive dialogue and compassionate thoughts. You mentioned that your parents are 80 and 82, right? Why are you afraid of them? They are your parents! I can see that there is alot of stuff from the past that still haunts you today and you know we all have this baggage we carry around but my thoughts and please do not take this the wrong way is this...You either can let go of what you can not change which is accepting(your past) or you face this head and and resolve this, resolution. It seems you are running and no matter how fast you run, "it" is still there. The anxiety you feel now could not be worse then either accepting or resolving whatever the issue is with your family. It may help heal the pain you are feeling now. And it could be they want to heal also(maybe apologize). I am sorry if anything I said offended you. Take care and know that you can get through this practice opportunity.

Silvana

Hi Lindi,

Wrote a very long message to you on this post, full of advice, my own opinions, etc., etc., and then erased it all.

Basically, I just want to let you know that I feel what you are going thru, acknowledge your pain, feel that I have been there at some point, some where, different circumstances, same pain; want to let you know how strong I think you are for having the courage to make your self be heard!

I pray for you, my dear Lindi and your recovery, Love and big, big, big, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Susan

Hello Lindi,

I know that your parents visiting is always a stressful time for you, but how did you managed last year?

What did you do to cope with the situation last year? It's been a whole year since their last visit (is it?), I'm positively sure that you are stronger this year, and have had time to practice/learn the program skills.

Another thought has occurred to me. I'm not sure if it will work for you, but have you ever asked your parents not to vist?

If that's out of the questions, while they visit, try to keep to your regular daily schedule as much as possible so that their visit is seemless.

I wish you all the best. I know how difficult dealing with family can be. Oh, the guilt... I'm not even going to go there.

Hi Linda,
I'm not sure if I have any words of wisdom for you, but i'll give it a shot, k?
I think you are putting a LOT of pressure and stress on yourself! I also think you feel overwhelmed about your mom and dad coming to see you, you're EXPECTING the worst! Stop it, Girlfriend!!
You need to be compassionate with yourself right now, and you're doing the opposite!(Hey, I do the same thing, trying to break it though...LOL)
You don't HAVE TO live up to your fathers' expectations of you!! IT"S YOUR LIFE!!!!Nobody can walk in your shoes but YOU!
Although, I do understand/relate to what you're feeling believe me! You are not 16, you are grown woman that is bright, compassionate, and, ( a GREAT FRIEND.. )
quite capable of making her own decisions.
You have to be assertive w/your parents, Linda..I know it's hard, (i'm doing it, too) but it's worth it.Don't you think deep down your parents will, (in the long run) respect your for it? Start to say NO, and if saying NO is too hard, think of a different way to say it..You CAN do it!!!
I'm not sure if i've helped any here...I hope I have...
Still believe in you,
SKY
Let us know how it goes, k?

Hi friends,

I want to let you know how grateful i am for your responses. I'm not able to sit myself down to write back to each of you (as i normally would). My parents arrive on Friday and i have much more to do than i had imagined. (LOTS of housework, for one thing.)

Meanwhile, i want you to know how much i appreciate your support. This morning i had another one of those incredible 'therapy type sessions' with myself....ALOT of insight into the dynamic between myself and my father and where i have been sooo 'stuck'. Very painful, cried alot. Again, i know this was good for me, just no time to sit with it, integrate it or WRITE TO YOU ABOUT IT!!! I'm just too frazzled to write, and wanted to insert this great big "THANK YOU" in the meantime.
God bless,
Love,
Lindaloo

Lindi,
I hope your visit with your parents went well. Thinking about ya!
Reena

Hi Reena,

How sweet of you to think of me and to ask how it all went. Oboy!!!!!!

I didn't feel ready to get back on the BB today, but then i received the email notification that i had a response on my post....and so, here i am.

I KNOW that there is much too much to write about, if i were to really explain everything i've experienced this last week. So, i won't go near doing that! My mother and father just left yesterday, Thursday.

I knew in my guts that the visit would be difficult for me, though i never imagined that seeing them would evoke SOOOO much sadness and emotional pain. It is still very much with me, hard to stop the crying. My situation with my parents has always felt very strained for me and i have done whatever 'forgiving' i could, have made the best of things,etc.. However, there is so much unspoken 'stuff' between us. I would have loved, by this time in our lives, to have found us able to speak of these things, to resolve matters,etc.. I think this is not to be. May parents do NOT want to hear anything at all about my 'agoraphobic situation'....don't want to know about any 'unpleasantries'. It has always been this way.....for them, i have always been TOO MUCH! I never did fit in to this family....a pretty conservative one...being around my family only reflects back to me everything i dislike about myself! As i am seen through their eyes in a certain way which is very uncomfy for me. (can you read between the lines, cause i'm just too exhausteed right now to articulate...i can see i'm not being coherent really.)

Anyway, i did my best! I tried to be grateful for the teeniest, weeniest moves forward....the smallest ways in which i could 'separate' myself from my parent's emotions. My father is incredibly hard to be around...more critical, cranky, rude, impatient and angry than ever! And now he's gone from being this huge, gorgeous man... to being a frail, skinny old man who cries at the drop of a hat. He breaks my heart!
My mother brings up mixed emotions for me...both love/appreciation and anger. I actually feel plenty of anger/even rage toward them both AND so much love and this huge, huge sadness of a lifetime.

I feel like i cannot get my thoughts together enough today to write a clear account of how this week went. Nothing i had hoped would be talked about....was.
Certain assertions i'd hoped i'd make....i didn't.
They SHOW me how they just can't take that sort of dialogue, and so i left it alone.

Trying to return to my life today, or....a much BETTER life!

Reena, thank's for asking. I'm just soooo sad right now and i'm just letting myself be sad.

God bless and have a great day!

love,
Linda

Lindi,

Sorry for what you went through.

I can relate to your family situation. I am the oddity of the family. My mother always, and will always, believes my reasons for doing things are not good enough. After the whole depression and panic attacks episode, I slowly realized that what I wanted from them was MY definition of a perfect family. Then I asked myself why I needed their approval, understanding to get on with my life. Sure it would be nice to have all these, really, really nice. But not having them was also OK. My persistent longing for "MY PERFECT FAMILY" is no difference from my mother's persistent attempts to make me do things her way. Ain't goin to happen.

Lindi, I am guessing here... Your parents' avoidance in recognizing or addressing your "situation" could be a tell-tale sign that they have their issues as well. They might secretly harbor certain guilt or a feeling of inadequacy. You might be at a higher level of enlightenment than they are. You are ready to talk about the issues but they are not emotionally mature enough to take about painful subject without tremendous sadness. And it is difficult to open up a discussion if they are not at your level.

Best wishes,



------------------
drop

~ "Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it."

~ "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it" - Albert Einstein

Dear Lindi, thank you so much for sharing. I, too, never fit into my family. Every time I'd try to speak the truth, they would point fingers at me saying I must be the one with the problem since I'm the only one bringing it up. This must be where I learned the coping skill not to trust myself and everyone else must be right!! Talk about lack of confidence. It has carried over into many areas of my life.

My mother is slowly dying of a progressive illness. I have been handling much of her affairs and providing emotional support for the last 2 years. I am married, have 2 teenagers, work full-time, and starting to develop my own physical problems. I have been sharing this responsibility with my brother, but have reached a point where it has totally drained me. I feel like I have to be there for her all the time, no matter what. When I take a break and have no contact with her I start feeling guilty. That lack of confidence thing comes up saying I must not be doing something right.

Anyway, family stuff is HARD. Sometimes I go through periods where everytime I get in the car, I just cry the whole time I am driving. I've learned to keep tissue in the glove box!

Keep sharing. You are not alone.

Hi Lindi,
Sorry. I wish it could've gone better for you. I would say to listen to the tape on expectations. I think that is a very hard one, especially when it concerns relatives. Its bad enough we have expectations of ourselves that are way to high but when we have them of our relatives we are sure to get disappointed. THey don't even know what we expect like we do when it pertains to oneself. You were expecting to sort things out, deal with issues, get some closure, etc. THey are from a different time than us. THey also have their own issues. They don't know how to deal with you because they don't deal with themselves very well. Acceptance. As we learn to accept ourselves then we can learn to accept others. It is even harder with relatives. I know this is stuff you've already heard or read before. I may have misread your post. It is difficult to communicate on here. I hope you can work thru this stuff and get on with enjoying life. It easier said than done, thats for sure. I feel like I have inner clutter that I wish I could just pull out and put in the trash bin. I keep working on it tho. I see you do too. Keep trying, keep looking forward, keep living in the moment. ANd I'll try to do the same.
Love ya, Reena

Dear Lindi,
So sorry I didn't read this until today. Sounds like you have been through alot, but you did your best. Have you ever written a letter to your parents? I think you really need to come to some kind of terms with them while they still have their health. That generation, I have found, does not like to hear or talk about anything bad. I just went to my MIL's mom's funeral and learned more about that side of the family in a 20 min. service verses my *25 years* of shallow visits that have always had me tied up in knots. It was a real eye-opener for me.

To me it sounds like they really want to spend some time with you. Like meeting them in Maine. Does it have to be there? Can you pick the place where YOU would be more comfortable?

I have gone back to my 12 step support group that I dropped out of 2 years ago thinking I had graduated! Ha! I have had 'practice opportunities' coming at me none stop lately and needed "real people" to be around again! In one of my daily readers it talked about the meaning of recovery. To me that has meant to be free of whatever you are struggling with or addicted to. Like getting over my anxiety. The way it was written went like this..."Recovery is a wonderful word. It means getting something back. I will try and remember that that something is me." I NEVER thought of it like that! AND that's truly what it's all about!

Well, I don't know if I have helped or not here. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Take care,
2~4,
rhythm

I hope that things are getting better for you with your parents. I used to hear that all the time. And I am beginning to realize that I HAVE TO think of myself as an adult when I am around them. Not just their kid. (I am almost 40) Regardless of what I think that they think of me. That is the beginning of healing. Because otherwise you are just a puppet doing the same old thing you always have done. And they have to respond to you in a new way.

I realized that until I started to do this I was being treated like a 12 year old. And there was a lot of guilt with me having any kind of voice about anything. When they visited I would get derailed for a number of days. It was really difficult. But because of this program and a lot of hard work that I have done it is starting to turn around.

And really if you dont start with them you may end up acting very timid around people who remind you of them. That has been my experience.
God Bless Andi

quote:

Originally posted by Lindi:
Hi everyone,

Many thoughts have come up these last few days and this morning about the upcoming visit from my parents, who i see about once a year, sometimes less. Always, prior to their visits, i become very stressed and have a feeling like i am about to be imprisoned. I understand why it is this way for me...i wish it weren't....i wish i had arrived at a place within myself by now, where i would have found myself to be sufficiently autonomous and worry-free about being with them. However, this is not the case. Throughout the years, on and off, i have worked with this through therapy and on my own. Still, i am defintely not healed enough to feel 'safe and sound' around them. The other morning i awakened to find myself crying and screaming at my parents (and sister)....i don't mean that they were HERE! Anyway, it was like a very intense therapy session, without the therapist, and i released alot of rage and hurt,etc.. nothing really NEW, but i think maybe it has helped.

I realize i'm being abstract about the relationship between myself and my family, but honestly...i wouldn't know how to turn that subject into a brief post! I'm just not so great at the Art of Brevity!

Anyway, i was doing my little morning reading (which comes out of the book "The Language of Letting Go", by Melody Beattie, and this morning's reading was about 'Coping with Stress'. To cite a few sentences which pertain to me right now:
'When the stress is external and internal, we experience our most difficult times.'
'Our friends and groups can help us feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of our stressful conditions.'
'It helps to go back to basics ~ to focus on detachment, dealing with feelings and taking life one day at a time.'
*'Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves.'
***'Self care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of ourselves always works.'
***And isn't it interesting how self-neglect feels more comfortable?!! THIS IS WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, EVEN AFRAID OF RIGHT NOW.

And so, after reading this, i thought of who my support system is, because i truly often forget i have one or to use it! Well, i have a few close friends (ones who i actually 'see') and i have some wonderful friends on this Forum. So, i decided to post here....why not!

Okay, i can see this is becoming so much lengthier than i'd planned! Well, i'm continuing anyway.....
***Last night, when i didn't feel like doing anything else, i turned on the television. I get only a few stations (my choice)...and so ended up watching the program "Felicity"...not really a program for me, but watched it anyway. Well, she is maybe 19 yrs.old. She is taking the Arts Program at University and her father absolutely dissaproves of this and feels she is wasting her time and his money! And so he comes to visit her and they are out for dinner together. What happens is this: She has spoken with her best friend prior to the dinner and is 'psyched' into her mission here, which is to BE TRUE TO HERSELF and to remember that the Arts Program is very important to her, no matter WHAT daddy thinks! Her father confronts her on the matter and she is rendered speechless! And there we see it ~ she is 'stuck' in 'The Complex' (what it's called in Psychology)...she is stuck in very old, automatic, hair-trigger REACTION and there is absolutely NOTHING she can do to help herself! She says to her dad, "Excuse me." She then gets herself over to a payphone and calls her best friend. She asks him to remind her WHO SHE IS! She asks him to remind her WHAT TO SAY! She's lost! She has lost herself! So, her friend gives it all to her...feeds her with reminders, a boost, everything she needs in order to keep her self-esteem in tact. To keep her SEPARATE from her father. She returns to the table and she 'holds her own'. Difficult, but she does it. She sticks to her guns, no matter if it hurts him.
**Well, i am twice the age of this Felicity character, and when i'm around my parents, ESPECIALLY my father, this is what happens to me, STILL!!!!! I become 16 yrs.old again and i find this PAINFUL. I become inarticulate. (He has a way of talking which always caused me to feel this way....nervous, at a loss for words,etc.. At the same time, i would often get very 'mouthy' and say EXACTLY what i mean...only to feel guilty after cause he'd end up hurt.) Oh, it's a long screwed up relationship...i promised i wouldn't get into that!
SO ~ What i am asking for here is any support which might help me to remember who i am, once i start spending time with my parents. (I will see them on Friday evening, and then from Sunday until Thursday).
Support to help me remember to do the BASICS of this program....to remember to love and accept myself no matter WHERE i may find myself! Even IF i am still acting like 16 yrs.old! To remind to to not beat myself up!

I wanted to be an ADULT when my parents were this old. (80 and 82) I wanted to care for THEM!
Someone who had NO understanding of this situation (many years ago) said to me, "Why the hell can't you just forget about yourself when your parents visit, and just be there for THEM!!!" Ideally, this IS what i've wanted and still want...However, if being there for them...means that it is at the expense of myself, than i can't! What i mean is...my parents (i.e.) are practically begging me to come to Maine (the ocean) with them in the summer because they are old now and frail and don't know when they will get to really spend time with me. Well, i could shove some major tranquilizer down my throat, blindfold myself (lol) and get onto a train (haven't travelled in 20 yrs.!) and somehow just DO IT! BUT....at what expense!!! I'd probably go back to smoking and could conceivably end up spending the trip eating myself sick. (old eating disorder could arise) I wish i COULD do something very special for them...i really do! And yet, at what cost.
Alright, i KNOW i have gone on a bit too long here, please forgive me.

Essentially, this is about "Forgetting who i am when with my family" and "Remembering to take CARE of myself during this time."

THANK YOU ALL for reading up to this point!!!
Have a wonderful day, filled with your own self-love!!!!
Lindaloo