hey if she is being hurtful you don't have to put up with that. By stating how you feel you aren't making an attack, you are being conciderate with her feelings and how can you be blamed for that? Don't feel guilty either, why should you? again she isn't concerned with how you feel so why should you be concerned about her reaction?

Typically its best to chat about these things in person and this might sound strange but invite her to have a chat when your ready and talk about how you feel but in this case that seems almost impossible. If she isn't appreciating what your doing for her then stop doing those things because they aren't getting you anywhere with them and it seems are a complete waste of time. I think you should write a letter stating how you don't appreciate what has been said to you, state how you felt after certain comments were made to you and state what your goals are with the letter. It seems like you want to connect with them so badly, let them know that.

Write on a cue card some things to remember about yourself and not to let someone manipulate you, some empowering statements and place them by the phone in case she does call and when she tries insulting you, you can read those statements in your head (things that say i refuse to be manipulated, this is only her opinion) and let her know you don't appreciate the way she talks to you and that it makes you feel bad. If she responds negatively then repeat yourself and if she keeps going either tell her if she's going to talk to you that way then your ending the convo or just hangup.

Mike

So Mike you were probably replying to Scaredygirl but it applies to me as well. As far as the letter thing or saying how I was hurt neither one worked. I can't tell you of all the pain of letter writing. If I ever say I was hurt she goes into a rage saying over and over how I hurt her. I met with her at McDonalds last yr.thinking a public place we wouldn't yell at each other. Can you believe this, she stuck out her tongue at me. I walked out the parking lot and said, "Mother grow up!" She said something else and I totally lost it. I said "I never want to see you again, not even at your own funeral." That was last yr. This year because I wanted to go out to eat for Mother's Day instead of having it at my house she threw it in my face over and over that I couldn't even have her over on Mother's Day. There was much more to all this but no point burdening everyone here. I guess the more I write, the more I think, "and why would I want to go back to that again?" I'm her only child you'd think it would be different. She doesn't need me, she's got her grandchildren now. Guess there was something I did right for her after all. So the holidays are coming. I struggle every year. My husband says there must be something way in the past why I have such a hard time. I should start a forum on holidays cus that's a whole new topic in itself. Well, I've said enough!

sounds like you weren't truely ready, my advice is to start small with being assertive, being with people on forums or well online the build your way up.

Mike

When my dad died I read his chart and where it said "how do you deal with stress?" he wrote "I walk away from it." Well that didn't work because my mom would follow him and keep on yelling. Once he went out onto my back porch and vomited--that is how bad she was. There was never money for what I needed for school or even to get driven to school by a car pool. It was an hour walk each way with no sidewalk and it would not have been bad if any one else was walking but I was the only one in the winter who had to wear snowboots all day long in school when ever other girl was in heels. Finally when I was about 50 and she started in on how hard she had it, I said "How come we ALWAYS had money for YOUR cigarettes and YOUR candy bars?" She ate 6 Hersheys a night. She is dead now and I am still glad I got that childhood anger out of me.

Maybe your husband could pick mom up for Christmas and then take her home when you had enough. If she drives herself she won't leave until she knows she has ruined your day.

omg you slept on the floor?sounds like your family and husbands are completely different bachgrounds. write or call her. better yet go to her house. tell her you will have noyhing to do with her. tell her to quit sending mail to your husband at the office.tell you husband he is going with you. husband tells her when she learns how to love instead of hate,then call you and the 3 of you can talk about it.good luck,anita

Our workbook says: "Not being assertive is the cause of anger, depression and anxiety" Use this formula: When you...(describe the behavior) I feel.....(describe your feeling in one or two words) because.....(describe how affects you) another book that I am reading says that assertive behavior is describing the facts, the way you feel and explaining in wich way affects you. That way preserves the other person respect and the respect toward yourself....
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!
Liz